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Rock the Vote April 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in American Idol, opinion, top blog candidate.

As we come closer to the one-year anniversary of “What Pushes My Buttons”, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have been loyal readers of my blog over the past year. Whether you’re an active participant in the discussion or just a casual observer, I hope that you’ve enjoyed your reading experience here thus far and at the very least have gotten a few laughs out of it along the way.

If your the kinda person who notices “tags” on blogs, you’ll notice that certain postings have been tagged “top blog candidate”. These are the posts I believe to be the funniest (or most distasteful) writings that have appeared on this blog so far. But that’s just in my humble opinion. It’s time for you to decide on that.

We’re looking for you to vote on the post that made you laugh the hardest. Or nearly throw up on your desk. Or simply shake your head in disbelief. In the spirit of American Idol, YOU have the chance to decide.

What does the winning post get? Well, frankly not much, other than the distinction of being voted as posting of the year. What do you get? Well, frankly even less, other than the chance to voice your opinion. And these days, who doesn’t want to voice their opinion!

So without further adieu, here are the candidates for the 1st annual What Pushes My Buttons Post of the Year (drum roll please):

Those are your candidates for “WPMB blog posting of the year”. To vote in this all-important “election” please go to: WhatPushesMyButtons.blogspot.com. On the right column of the page will be the voting box.

Go ahead. Rock the Vote!

Ultimate Shower Songs…Part Deux April 17, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, dancing, funny, humor, music, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, shower, shower songs, top blog candidate.

Ok…because many of you have asked for a new list, and it’s been nearly a year since the last list was “published”, it’s time for The Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux!

To those new to the blog, please view last year’s Ultimate Shower Songs list.

For those who have been faithful followers of this blog since day 1 and have waited almost a year for a new list, without further adieu, here’s part two of the best songs to sing in the shower (in no particular order):

Say, Say, Say. “Say” what you want about it, you know you love this duet between Sir Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. It’s a good “warm up” song in the shower since McCartney’s vocals are pretty mellow and easy to replicate. Once your vocal chords are raring to go it’s time to rip into Michael’s part: “What can I do, I’m so in love with you…baby! Eee heee”. Gotta love Michael in his bas ass years!

McCartney and Jackson team up to produce a great shower song for you

Other good Michael Jackson songs to sing in the shower are Billie Jean, The Way You Make Me Feel, Man in the Mirror and Pretty Young Thing. Actually most Michael Jackson songs are great shower songs. I’m gonna go ahead and give him a lifetime Shammy achievement award! Congrats Michael, well deserved.

Don’t Know Much. Once you’ve exhausted yourself with Michael, you can mellow it down with some Aaron Neville. For those who have the vocal range you can also sing the Linda Ronstadt parts of the song. But Neville is relatively easy to sing in the shower thanks to his nasal-like tone. Plus it’s a good warm up for singing Neville’s famous cotton commercial. You know the one: “The touch, the feel of cot-tin. It’s the fab-rick of our lives.”

On The Wings of Love. Staying on the mellow theme, and because you just saw one of those Time-Life infomercials at 1 in the morning with the 100 greatest love songs, this smash by Jeffrey Osbourne is sure to eat up some of the hot water in your building. Plus the deep, resonating vocals bounce off the shower walls nicely. Although similar to Caribbean Queen, all you know is the hook of the song so that’s all you sing over and over again. You know, “On the wings of love, only the two of us together flying high. Flying high, on the wings of love”.

The smooth stylings of Jeffrey Osbourne lend itself to good shower singing material, even if you only know two lines of the song

Another song you only know the hook to is Never Gonna Let You Go by Sergio Mendes. So that’s all you sing over and over again. You know the words. “I’m never gonna let you go. I’m gonna hold you in my arms forever. Gonna try and make up for the times I hurt you so. Gonna hold your body close to mine. From this day on we’re gonna be together. Oh, I swear this time. I’m never gonna let you go”. Awesome stuff. Just awesome. Good song to extend your stay in the shower to.

For those itching for the summer months you can bust out a little Cruel Summer by Bananarama. “It’s a cruel (cruel) cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own”. Good stuff. You know you even hum the instrumental riff of the song. Very feel good shower song to get you ready for tanning season (or to make you feel bad about how white you are going into beach season as you wash your body). Other good “summer” songs are Summer Girls by LFO, Summer Wind by Sinatra and Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Although don’t readily admit you know the lyrics to Summer Girls by LFO…could be condusive to having your ass beat in some corners of the earth (more on songs that could get your ass beat later).

Other good songs to get you in the mood for good weather are Break My Stride by Men at Work (also sung by Matthew Wilder). “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride, ain’t nothing gonna slow me down – oh no – got to keep on movin”. (Although please don’t sing the Puff Daddy version. Or anything by Puffy for that matter. As they say in my hood, he’s a “beat biter – a Pac style taker – I’ll tell it to (his) face he ain’t shit but a faker”). Getting Jiggy With It by Will Smith and This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan also are prime songs for getting in a “good mood” for nice weather. Plus if you do the Getting Jiggy With It dance while rinsing, you’ll be able to wash off the soap that is trapped between your rolls of fat. If you have rolls of fat of course.

Perhaps the most underrated Shower Song band is U2. Largely because everyone knows the lyrics to most of their songs and their style is very condusive to shower singing. With or Without You is a particularly great shower song, especially that section where Bono kicks it up a notch. “I can’t liiiiive. With or without you…..oh oh oh oh”. Great stuff. It’s the kinda song you want people down the hallway to hear you sing. Another great U2 shower song is One. “Love is a temple, love the higher love”. Powerful. Good song to pause whatever you’re doing in the shower to belt out the lyrics.

Congrats, U2! You’ve earned a Shammy for achieving greatness in shower song music

Back to the mellow stuff (and because the Time-Life commercial just popped in your head again). When I See You Smile by John Waite is a great shower song to sing, especially if you just scored a big hookup the night before. Plus this song helps you score bonus points if you’re trying to impress upon your live-in girlfriend or the hooker you let sleep over last night. Nothing puts a “smile” on a girl’s face like hearing “When I see you smile. I can face the world. Oh you know I can do anything”. Although if you’re living with another dude you may not want to bust this one out for fear that the gaydar would go off the charts.

Speaking of off the charts gaydar, other songs not to sing if you have a male roommate around include anything by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Especially Sherri or Big Girls Don’t Cry. So what if you just saw the promo for “Jersey Girls” for the hundredth time, Valli’s songs should only be sung by those without any males within earshot (unless they happen to be musical theater or broadway actors – then you’re ok). If you choose to try the high notes of Sherri baby you best be comfortable with your own masculinity!

Other songs to avoid with a male around are A Whole New World by Peabo Bryson. So what if you watched Aladdin with your niece for the 50th time, singing this song is grounds for getting your ass beat by your roommate if he hears you singing it. Even if the vocals sound cool in the shower, sing this one at your own risk. Same goes for Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About by Bonnie Raitt. Although while you may get mocked and beaten by other males for singing it in the shower, you know damn well that after they’re done insulting your manhood minutes later they start humming the lyrics to themselves. Even if they won’t admit it, they should. The song is catchy.

Bonnie’s got your back if any male gives you shit for singing her songs

If you need to restore some of your male pride and save face, some good songs to turn to in the shower are Pearl Jam’s Jeremy, Creed’s My Own Prison, Metallica’s Enter Sandman and Nirvana’s Rape Me. Although you may wanna stay away from Rape Me if your male roommate recently completed a stint in prison.

On topic, songs to avoid if you’re trying not to violate parole for child molestation include anything referencing teenage girls, such as I Saw Her Standing There by the Beatles. Singing “She was just 17 you know what I mean” may be tough to justify. Although in your defense you can say you were just at a game at the Garden since that’s a MSG favorite (not so much for the she was just 17 part as much as the: “She wouldn’t dance with another…OOOOOOO” part that everyone belts out in harmony at once).

Another song to be weary of if you’re a convicted child molester is Into The Night by Benny Mardones. Why you ask? Um, how bout the lyrics:

“She’s just sixteen years old, Leave her alone, they say….But I want you to know, If I could fly, I’d pick youuuuuu up. I’d take you into the night, And show you a love…like you’ve neverrrrr seen. Ever seen”.

If that doesn’t scream child molestation/child prostitution I don’t know what does! Although it won’t stop me from singing it in the shower simply because it sounds cool acoustically. The lyrics invoke passion and are souful, despite the messaging.

Much to his dismay, and his smash hit, Benny Mardones has been placed on most child molester watch lists

That completes this list of the Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux. Feel free to comment on your own personal favorites and let the debate begin!

No more “nappy”? April 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, celebrities, common sense, critique, current events, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, stupidity, subways, television, top blog candidate, world news.

So hearing the rain pelting my window this morning I quickly realized I left my umbrella at work (good place for it to be).  So I donned my “water-resistant” rain jacket and headed out the door.  I might as well have been wearing a sponge because apparently water-resistant = water absorbent.  Not that I would expect a water-resistant garment to stand up to a monsoon, but at least some protection would have been nice.  At least now I can compete in our weekly wet T-shirt contest at lunch!

Anyway so I take my soaking this morning while I walk the 7 or so minutes to the subway.  I’m about to descend the staircase to the said underground transportation mechanism when this “ute” is in front of me, walking slowly down the stairs.  He has his umbrella opened and there’s no room to pass him so I wait patiently behind him and continue to “absorb” water.  Some girl like 10 feet behind us yells out his name “Yo-Dee Shawn”.  So what does the “ute” do but whip around with his umbrella open, nearly giving me lasik surgery in the process.  Seriously, I think the tips of his umbrella grazed my eye lashes.  Then this “nappy haired ho………..odlum” decides to walk back up the stairs past me.  Instead of saying “excuse me” or “yo, my bad, I almost took your eyes out” he pushes past me like I’m the one in his way.  Fuckin lil’ prick. You’re lucky I was so waterlogged from the rain if not I would’ve knocked you on your ass, you little punk. 

Wait…what was that?  Sorry just got a call from the FCC.  Apparently the words “Nappy Haired” can’t be used anymore.  How’d they know I even wrote it, I haven’t even posted this yet!  I kindly asked Mr. Censorship why I couldn’t use those words and apparently some guy radio personality named “Imus” just caused an uproar after he referred to a women’s basketball team from New Jersey as a bunch of “nappy haired hos”. Thanks a lot “Imus” or whatever your name is. Way to ruin the words “nappy haired” for the rest of eternity!  Wait…I think I remember your name now.  You’re the “other shock jock” besides Howard Stern.  Ohh…gotcha.  My bad.  I thought you died like 20 something years ago?  Huh. Well that makes sense, I guess that’s the last time I listened to morning radio. 

Well Mr. Imus, you couldn’t pick another word to use?  You know how important the words “nappy haired” are to my existence? I mean every morning my hair is nappy. Now thanks to you I can’t say it’s “nappy”.  I now have to say it’s “disheveled” or “unkempt”.  Cause you know nothing is cooler than calling your own hair “unkempt”.

So Mr. Imus, I just did a google search on you cause you know I thought you were dead and all.  Not for nothing, based on the pictures I saw of you, I wouldn’t be calling other people “nappy haired”.  Have YOU looked in the mirror recently???

Hard to believe that this character “Imus” is calling other people “nappy haired”???

Anyway, the FCC has slapped my hands and wants me to re-write the above paragraph.  So here it goes:

I’m about to descend the staircase to the said underground transportation mechanism when this young fellow is in front of me, exhibiting the utmost safety and caution as he descends down the stairs.  He has his umbrella opened and I give him the proper space to swing his umbrella around at will, while I continue to bask in the rain water which is beneficial for my attire. Suddenly some female near the staircase gently calls out his name “Deshawn”.  What happened next was completely my fault as I impeded his ability to swing his umbrella around freely.  I apologize that my head was in the path of your umbrella kind lad.  I realize you’re having a bad day since your hair appears to be all out of sorts.  Allow me to move out of your way so you have freedom to swing your umbrella and walk up and down the stairs as you please. Next time I promise to give you plenty of space to do with as you wish. My deepest apologies.

There, FCC is that better???  Hopefully I won’t have people boycott my blog now because I used the phrase “nappy haired”.  I apologize profusely to my viewing audience.  I hope you can forgive me.

“Good Humor” Friday? April 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in brooklyn, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, religion, top blog candidate.

While I have nothing in particular to complain about on this “Good Friday”, I have an interesting thought. Shouldn’t Good Humor, the ice cream company, sponsor Good Friday?

For those who have never heard of Good Humor it was a staple of my childhood in Brooklyn. You’d hear the bells ring and you ran inside to get whatever loose change you could find to buy your $1 Toasted Almond, Strawberry Shortcake, King Cone, Buffalo Bill, Fat Frog, Chocolate Eclair or Astro Pop, among other tasty treats on a stick from the Good Humor man (those who were “richer” could splurge for the $1.50 ice cream cookie sandwiches or those WWF Superstars of Wrestling bars they came out with back in the 80s). I personally liked Buffalo Bill because it had a vanilla and chocolate ice cream and as an added treat, a gumball for a nose – extra sugar rush!

This may or may not be a picture of me enjoying some Good Humor as a child!

Mike was our Good Humor truck driver for 20 years. Business started hurting once the Mr. Softee truck came around, but back in the day, no one cleaned house like the Good Humor man. The one benefit was that the Good Humor truck came down our blocks, which for those who have visited Gerritsen Beach before know how tiny the blocks are (for those who haven’t, our “blocks” or streets are pretty much driveway sized, with only room for a car to park and a car to pass). Mr. Softee only stayed on the “wider” avenues (which was probably a smart decision anyway to save on gas money) and let the children run to him rather than have the truck come to the children. I also found it very shady that Mr. Softee sold Good Humor product in addition to their soft serve cones, basically rendering the Good Humor man obsolete.

The Mr. Softee truck blatently selling Good Humor ice cream product, causing the demise of the Good Humor truck

Anyway, there are some instant synergies between Good Humor and Good Friday:

1) The name “Good” is already there.

2) Ice cream is allowed on Good Friday as long as it doesn’t contain any meat.

So naturally, there’s a connection. But taking it one step further, the reason we loved Good Humor so much was that once you finished your ice cream there was a printing on the stick. Some of the sticks were “lucky sticks” and if you had one you’d get a free ice cream. You were also the shit if you got one – you felt like the king of the block. And everyone knows there’s nothing better than some free ice cream!

Anyway, getting back to the point, as a special prize, Good Humor can work with the Catholic church to distribute special “lucky sticks” for the holidays. Instead of getting a free ice cream with your lucky stick, these specially made Catholic Lucky Sticks can be your “get out of not eating meat” card for the day. How cool would that be? I mean I’m not religious at all so I don’t really follow the rules, but I’ve always thought the whole “not eating meat on Friday thing” was a stupid idea. Like if you eat a piece of steak on Friday’s for Lent, God would smite you? I’m sure he/she/it is up there somewhere eating a nice, meaty Filet Mignon tonight with a big glass of Merlot, laughing at the rest of us.

Anyway, since people by and large “play by the rules” and follow their religion, Good Humor would be the “savior” by stepping in and issuing these “lucky sticks” which would be your pass to eat meat for the day. Good Humor would benefit because ice cream sales would go through the roof (and maybe the Good Humor truck would regain popularity and start taking away market share from the Mr. Softee truck). The Catholic church would benefit from all of the PR their “Good Humor Fridays” campaign would generate (and lord knows they need the positive PR these days). Of course we would make sure none of the priests were driving the Good Humor trucks. That would be a nightmare for obvious reasons!

An extensive background check would ensure no priests were masquerading as Good Humor men

So Mr. Pope Benedict Arnold, or whatever your name is, if you’re reading out there…this may not be a bad idea to consider!

It sucks to blow March 26, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, common sense, critique, funny, humor, shower, top blog candidate, weird.

Not in the way you’re thinking. Sometimes it sucks to blow your nose. As in when your nose is really dry and then because of that dryness, after you blow your nose it starts bleeding profusely. Not that this has happened to me oh in the last 15 minutes or anything.

Anyway, now that I’ve stopped doing my best Gerry Cooney impersonation, and continuing on this theme of “disgustingness”, I got an email from one of my friends this morning (his name will remain anonymous for the sake of everyone involved and for the sake of his own safety). But those of us who know him know he’s very crude in his description of things…much more crude than even me! (hard to believe, i know). Anyway he’s given us some doozy stories over the years, but I don’t think anything tops this mornings email we got from him. It left me shaking my head. Had it come from someone else it would be hard to believe, but coming from him, nothing shocks me anymore. So read the following at your own accord.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. EXTREMELY SICK SCENE COMING AHEAD. Remember, I didn’t say it so don’t hold it against me!


“Last week, I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for training. While out there, I was showering and had to take a shit. Now, most people would wait to get out of the shower and then shit, which I have done many times. The only problem with that is the fact that my ass would not be clean. So, I decided to shit in the shower. Anyone try that before? I’ve heard about it before and never tried it, especially in my shower. But, I figured I was in NM and figured, what the fuck? So here I am, standing and shitting, in the shower. I was a bit excited to do this and try it. For you who have thought about doing this before but never tried it, here are my thoughts. While standing and shitting, it took a bit to come out as I was not on the bowl. After it came out, I felt good. Until the smell hit. Fuck, did it stink. Showering is supposed to be this beautiful cleansing time without any issues, but the smell was almost unbearable. In a toilet, the smell is contained in the bowl. In a shower, the smell is contained in the shower. Anyways, I squished the shit down the drain with my toes, which afterwards, had to be properly cleaned. So, needless to say, I would not recommend shitting in the shower. I should have waited til I was done showering to shit in the bowl. The only saving grace about shitting in the shower was that my ass was clean after shitting!”

Oh man. Could you imagine finding this in your email inbox first thing on a Monday morning? I won’t even attempt to analyze what he said.

Once I get my appetite back I’m going to grab lunch. Although next time I shower I may not help but laugh. And then be totally disgusted. And then laugh 🙂

If the food’s so bad for you, then why are there no fat chinese people… March 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, celebrities, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, lunch, opinion, photos, pictures, politics, random references, restaurant, sarcasm, top blog candidate, world news.

First off…what did I say about a Bialy??? It needs to be TOASTED and crispy. Not soft and mushy. For fuck’s sake. My tomato was crispier than my bialy. Thanks a lot for ruining my breakfast assholes.

Ok…onto today’s topic du jour. I’m not saying there’s NO fat chinese people in this world, but isn’t it EXTREMELY rare to find a fat chinese person working in a chinese food restaurant or take out joint? Think about it. It’s not like John Pinette is behind the counter making your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

If Pinette worked at a Chinese food restaurant would he look more like Bruce Lee?

The reason behind this question you ask? Well, just came across this doozy of a story from the associated press:

Chinese Restaurant Food Called Unhealthy
Study Casts Critical Eye at Typical Menu
AP WASHINGTON (March 21) – The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has found.

A plate of General Tso’s chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day. The battered, fried chicken dish with vegetables has 1,300 calories, 3,200 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of saturated fat. That’s before the rice (200 calories a cup). And after the egg rolls (200 calories and 400 milligrams of sodium).

“I don’t want to put all the blame on Chinese food,” said Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which did a report released Tuesday. “Across the board, American restaurants need to cut back on calories and salt, and in the meantime, people should think of each meal as not one, but two, and bring home half for tomorrow,” Liebman said.

The average adult needs around 2,000 calories a day and 2,300 milligrams of salt, which is about one teaspoon of salt, according to government guidelines. In some ways, Liebman said, Italian and Mexican restaurants are worse for your health, because their food is higher in saturated fat, which can increase the risk of heart disease.

While Chinese restaurant food is bad for your waistline and blood pressure – sodium contributes to hypertension – it does offer vegetable-rich dishes and the kind of fat that’s not bad for the heart. However – and this is a big however – the veggies aren’t off the hook. A plate of stir-fried greens has 900 calories and 2,200 milligrams of sodium. And eggplant in garlic sauce has 1,000 calories and 2,000 milligrams of sodium.

“We were shocked. We assumed the vegetables were all low in calories,” Liebman said. Also surprising were some appetizers: An order of six steamed pork dumplings has 500 calories, and there’s not much difference, about 10 calories per dumpling, if they’re pan-fried.

The group found that not much has changed since it examined Chinese food 15 years ago. That’s not all bad, Liebman said. “We were glad not to find anything different,” she said. “Some restaurant food has gotten a lot worse. Companies seem to pile on. Instead of just cheesecake, you get coconut chocolate chip cheesecake with a layer of chocolate cake, and lasagna with meatballs.”

The group says there is no safe harbor from sodium on the Chinese restaurant menu, but it offers several tips for making a meal healthier:

Look for dishes that feature vegetables instead of meat or noodles. Ask for extra broccoli, snow peas or other veggies.

Steer clear of deep-fried meat, seafood or tofu. Order it stir-fried or braised.

Hold the sauce, and eat with a fork or chopsticks to leave more sauce behind.

Avoid salt, which means steering clear of the duck sauce, hot mustard, hoisin sauce and soy sauce.

Share your meal or take half home for later.

Ask for brown rice instead of white rice.

Click to view the video of this story

Wait…did you just tell me that my order of Steamed Dumplings is 600 calories and it’s only another 60 calories if I get them fried???? Are you fuckin kidding me? All these years I’ve been going steamed cause I thought it was heathlier? Fuck that…fry those bitches for me from now on. Shit, for an extra 60 calories I’ll walk around my apartment a few more times to burn it off. And you want me to lay off the duck sauce?? Yeah, right. Egg roll meet Duck Sauce. Duck Sauce meet Egg Roll. Plus have these people ever eaten brown rice. It sucks. No flavor. It only has flavor when you add Soy Sauce.

Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce

And that comment about eat with a fork or chopstix to help leave sauce behind? When’s the last time you saw someone take the plate to the mouth and pour the General Tso’s chicken down their throat? Am I missing something? I’ve never eaten Chinese food with a spoon unless it was Wonton soup…and even then its hard to grab the Wontons and pork on your spoon.

You know what I think….this is uncovering a conspiracy by the Chinese to get the Americans fat and lazy with their food so we won’t pay any attention to them until they have taken over the world! Americans will drop dead from all of the fat and sodium in Chinese food, which is by far the most popular type of food in America. Plus in light of the recent regulation of fast food restaurants, you don’t see Chinese take out restaurants having to alter their menus with dehydrogenated oil or whatever that shit was that McDonalds needed to switch too to make their food “healthier”. Am I right? I didn’t see the Wok N Roll come under scrunity like McDs, Wendy’s or KFC did. I think our government is in on this too. Yep, the U.S. government secretly wants us all to drop dead so they too can share worldwide domination with the Chinese. Need proof? Look at Hillary Clinton’s confirmation name. Don’t know it? Her full name is Hillary M. Rodham Clinton. The M? Stands for Ming. As in Ming Dynasty
Hillary with her “secret” Chinese liasons plotting to take over the world

So what else isn’t the government telling us? There has to be more to the story right? The answer is YES (said in a Marv Albert, Ewing just hit a jumper and got fouled giving the Knicks the lead in the 4th quarter of game 7 of the NBA Finals voice).

Being that I’m a sleuth, I’ve decided to be proactive and do some “classified research”. Thanks to a few sources, some threatening now that I’m a licensed hunter and a few boxes of Twinkies as bribes, here’s some of the surprising facts that our friends in the guberment aren’t telling us about calorie consumption (WARNING: THIS INFORMATION IS EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL, BUT I WANTED TO SPREAD THE WORD AND SHARE THESE FACTS WITH YOU SINCE YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ARE. IF NOT, THEN YOU ARE MY READERS AND THUS YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. EVEN IF YOU HATE MY GUTS AND WANT TO STAB ME IN THE EYE WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER, THE FACT THAT YOU STILL VISIT MY BLOG SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US DOESN’T IT? ADMIT IT, YOU NEED ME. SO JUST LET YOUR HATRED GO AND BE MY FRIEND)

Holding a pen in your hands contributes to sodium intake.
Yep…the simple act of holding a pen in your hands allows the ink to penetrate the skin through osmosis. The ink turns into sodium once inside the skin at a rate of 10 mg of sodium for every second the pen is in your hand.

Walking barefoot on crumbs can contribute to calorie intake
Walking in your kitchen barefoot? Better put on those slippers. Each crumb you walk on seeps into your skin contributing to your caloric intake. Each crumb contributes 10 calories to your daily intake. Unless the culprit is coffee cake crumbs…then you’re looking at 20 cals per crumb stepped on.

Soap is nothing but saturated fat
This was a big secret. The liquid soap you use in the shower is made with pure saturated fat that just oozes into your skin. Use a loofah? You’re just doubling the amount of soap you’re pushing through your pores. How bad is it? Lets try 5g of saturated fat for every ounce of soup used. Bar soap is slightly better for you, but still contributes 2.5g of saturated fat for every ounce rubbed into your skin.

Toothpaste is full of sugar
Brush your teeth and they feel cleaner, right? Well you may as well run while you brush. Each squeeze of toothpaste on your brush that you clean your teeth with contributes 30 grams of sugar to your system, which instantly turns to fat – the kind of fat that is never, ever broken down. Surprised? Well, have you ever noticed why the Brits are thin but have bad teeth?
Wanna know how Austin stayed thin? He never brushed his teeth.

Looking at food adds weight
This was the biggest shocker of all. Just the act of looking or thinking about food was more likely to cause the waist line to expand. “Just looking at fattening foods like chocolate cake or a greasy pile of nachos was like injecting a gallon of fat directly into your skin” said one scientist in the classified study. “The fat from these foods apparently is able to enter the skin through the cornea of your eye” said the scientist, claiming that he once put on 5 pounds just by staring at a piece of German Chocolate Cake.

I found out through my sources that the government is secretly working with Ray Ban to develop special “UVF” sunglasses which will block the fat rays emitted by fattening foods from entering the body through the cornea. The government is currently testing these special glasses on Delta Burke and Louie Anderson.
Louie Anderson recently told CNN in an interview he was test piloting special “weight reduction” glasses for the government

There are many other fun facts our government isn’t sharing with us. Make sure you spread the word about these injustices being done to the American peoples.

In the meantime, I need to tend to an order of sweet and sour chicken, pork fried rice and an egg roll that has my name on it!

Rules of Pedestrian Engagement March 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in common sense, critique, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, top blog candidate, world news.

So now I think I’m ready to vent about pedestrian engagement. Especially after this morning when I was stuck behind a few women walking extremely slow without any reason besides laziness (and without any apparent physical deformities I may add) through the subway turnstiles and then down the stairs. They were walking three aside so it impossible to get around them and basically caused a huge traffic jam into the stairway. Then suddenly they hear the train doors open and now they decide to walk like normal humans and try to run down the stairs and get the train. Of course they and the 20 or so people backed up behind them just missed the train doors closing. Then they bitch about how the train always leaves just when they get there blaming it on the MTA. Hello…you fuckin lazy fatasses. Maybe if you actually walked instead of just shuffling your feet in laziness maybe, just maybe you’d make the train next time. I’m not saying you have to run. But it wasn’t like these people were 400+ pounds and had problems walking. They were just lazy fucks.

So here’s my proposal. There should be an International Pedestrian Fellowship Organization (IPFO). Basically this would be the governing body for all issues related to pedestrian behavior, including proper conduct when walking on sidewalks, in groups, in narrow areas, etc. Everyone who is an officer in the IPFO can walk around with handheld GPPID (Global Positioning Personal Identification Devices) units in which they can scan the person who is committing the violation and type into the device what the violation is (for those naysayers, this IS possible since all humans have microchips planted inside of us for identification purposes). There would be a point system assigned to violations (similar to traffic/speeding tickets) and then when the violator reaches a certain point level they would be punished accordigly. Like be beaten over the head with a bag of sand or eventually lose their walking priviledges all together! Likewise pedestrians can be commended for their behavior and receive bonus points which will go towards special priviledges. Such priviledges include getting gold stars, halos, government issued hover boards or having forcefields built around them so no one can infringe on their PWS (Personal Walking Space).

How would this system work you may ask? Well its simple. Those ladies today for example would have been scanned and given a three point deduction on their walking permits (if people need a permit to drive they should have a permit to walk too. What are there more of each day, pedestrian “accidents” or vehicle accidents?) Their violation today would fall under a few violation categories including blocking free flowing pedestrian movement and walking three aside in a narrow space. Plus they would receive a deduction for pure laziness. The laziness carries a 1 point deduction, the others are good for 3 point deductions each. So that’s 7 points for their violation this morning. If they were driving, their licenses would be nearly suspended. But since there are more pedestrians than cars, the point system would need to be adjusted (see more on the point systems below).

So what would be considered violations? Glad you asked? Well there are hundreds of ways a pedestrian can violate the IPFO laws but here’s some of the more common violations:

1)Persons in groups of three or more who are walking together side by side without giving proper pedestrian flow. If the sidewalk is wide enough to allow three or more pedestrians to walk side by side then that is legal. If it is not wide enough and other pedestrians walking either towards or behind these pedestrians do not have enough room to freely walk around the group, all members shall be hit with a violation of points equal to those members in their party. So a group of three would receive 3 point violations a person. Groups of four would receive 4 point violations and so on.

The proper way to adjust to this situation in groups of three is to have one of the three members either fall behind or ahead of the other two giving a free passing lane to those pedestrians coming from either direction. In groups of four or more, the formation should by 2 in front of 2 in congested/narrow sidewalk situations. Failure to comply with these rules will result in point violaitons. The person(s) who chooses to fall behind or jump ahead to rid themselves of being an obstruction would be awarded 3 points for their actions.

2)Persons in a group of two walking together side by side with more than two feet between them on a small sidewalk. If the sidewalk is narrow or if there are sidewalk obstructions (construction, sidewalk cafes, newsstands, etc) and the two pedestrians have more than two feet between them which impedes traffic flowing through or around them shall be given a 2 point violation. All pedestrians walking two aside in a small area should limit the space between them as much as comfortably possible so pedestrian can freely pass coming towards them or walking around them. All pedestrians complying with this rule would be awarded 2 bonus points.

Proper side-by-side walking technique

3)Persons walking in the middle of the sidewalk slowly in a crowd. Especially in groups. These people tend to be tourists or just lazy assholes, and severely impede normal traffic flow especially during rush hour or in crowded areas. If you follow normal traffic laws, slower traffic always stays to the right. Same should apply for pedestrians. Unless you’re turning left into a store, in which case walk on the far left. But stay out of the middle. All people caught in violation will receive a 5 point fine and can be Tasered on site should an elected IPFO official witness the violation. All non IPFO officers can smack these violators in the back of the head for lack of common sense.

There are hundreds of other violations but I don’t have enough time nor space to go into the full details. Most of the rules are based on common sense (which most people don’t have). All officers of the IPFO can report violations through their GPPID while those who earn points for commendable pedestrian behavior can eventually earn enough points to have their own GPPID.

IPFO Point Deduction System
10 points: Written warning

20 points: $100 fine and second warning

30 points: $250 fine and pedestrian put on alert on all tracking systems

40 points: $500 fine and pedestrian put on walking probation

50 points: $750 fine and pedestrian loses license for a month. Their kneecaps are also smashed with a baseball bat by Jeff Gillooly

Jeff Gillooly will personally smash the kneecaps of any violators reaching the 50 point deduction mark

75 points: $1,000 fine and pedestrian loses license for 3 months. They must wear a sign that says “Bad Pedestrian Walking” and anyone who spots the sign is allowed to hit them over the head with a bag of sand like Homey the Clown

Homey the Clown won’t play around if you hit the 75 point deducation mark

100 points: $5,000 fine and pedestrian loses their walking privledges for a year. To ensure this both of their ankles are broken and their kneecaps are removed. They are also put on wheelchair probation and must slither along the street like a snake.

For those pedestrians who comply or go above and beyond to exemplify proper pedestrian behavior here are the awards given.

IPFO Rewards System
10 Points: Written certificate acknowledging proper pedestrian techniques

25 Points: Silver star awarded

50 Points: Gold star awarded and pedestrian has a halo above them to identify that they are outstanding examples of proper pedestrian conduct. These pedestrians can also notate violations made by other pedestrians and report them to the IPFO.

75 Points: Pedestrian is award forcefield in which anyone in violation of the PWS (personal walking space) will receive a shock.

100 Points: Pedestrian is awarded a state of the art, government issued hoverboard which will allow them to coast along the sidewalks and streets with ease. They are also issued a handheld IPFO device in which they now can report violators.

A hoverboard awaits those who have achieved greatness in pedestrian behavior

Anyone who needs a full list of rules and violations please let me know and I’ll send one out to you. And next time you find yourself in a position where you’re committing a pedestrian violation think about the consequences. I’ll be watching!

The Beavers are coming February 23, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, beavers, food, humor, muppets, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, prostitutes, random references, rats, restaurant, television, top blog candidate, world news.

So apparently the 1st “beaver” was spotted in NYC in over 200 years. The beaver was spotted in the Bronx. Here’s the article:

Although I’m sure they’ll later find out that the said beaver was actually a shriveled up prostitute from Hunts Point who got dumped in the river. Hey oh! Its funny though, since they are trying to develop the South Bronx (SoBo) into the next trendy area – redoing warehouses into condos and fixing up some of the crack houses. Although it’s putting the squeeze on hunts point prostitutes since the area is trying to be “gentrified” with “types of people” who aren’t out to get them some poontang.

Here’s a quote from the article: “…beaver populations are expanding, and their habitats are shrinking,” said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. “We’re probably going to see more of them in the future.”

Although I guess the good news for the “beavers” is that having the South Bronx developed and gentrified is opening up a new clientele to those “beavers” who sell their wares in Hunts Point, especially the ones who have been featured on HBO’s special “Hookers and Johns”.

Beavers looking for work in the South Bronx

Wait. Am I confused? What? It was an actual beaver they spotted? Like the animal? Oh…oops. Well good luck to those beavers as well. Most of the union construction jobs have already been taken.

Speaking of union jobs it seems that rats these days are trying to get in on the action (I mean why should they be denied umemployment when most illegal aliens get employed too). It appears a gang of rats infiltrated a Taco Bell/KFC this am before the store opened “looking for work”.

Read the story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_fe_st/restaurant_rats

Rat looking to bus tables

Its a good thing these rats weren’t trying to gain employment at a chinese restaurant…hey oh!

I won’t finish the punch line if you’re looking for one.

Anyway, rats have long been hard workers, mining our subways tunnels for centuries. They’ve also held memorable jobs in the restaurant industry before! In fact, who can forget the vital role rats played in the movie Muppets take Manhattan?? Rizzo the rat got himself and his friends a job in the kitchen at the diner and they saved the damn place. Even futher, his girlfriend Yolanda was the first female rat to gain a part in a movie and quite honestly was more attractive in her waitress role than most other human waitresses. Don’t believe me…compare Yolando to Flo from Mel’s Diner and you be the judge:

Yolanda lookin good in the kitchen

Flo from Mel’s Diner

The rats went beyond the kitchen, exposing themselves to great danger when they went undercover to perform a “whispering campaign” for Kermit’s Manhattan Melodies at Sardi’s. They were swatted at, stomped on and thrown to the curb. Definitely broke all sorts of animal rights violations on the set. Did you hear them complain though? Not a peep. Maybe more workers should learn from rats and just do their jobs and not complain. Then maybe we’d have a more productive workforce in this country!

Grammy Observations February 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, funny, humor, music, opinion, pictures, random references, television, top blog candidate, world news.

So I watched the Grammy awards last night for the first time in eons. Pretty entertaining as most of the program is dedicated to actual music being played rather than 2 hour long acceptance speeches. Anyway, it was still a long program, but here are some of my observations:

Shakira is a terrible singer. I know, she’s hot. And the girl can dance. But seriously she sounded terrible on the Grammys. I know she has a “distinctive” (i.e. Nasal) tone but without the help of a recording studio it sounded terrible. Maybe she should stick with belly dancing. If it wasn’t for Wyclef I probably would’ve hit the mute button.

Smokey Robinson got some work done. I mean he’s 125 years old and he looks more plastic than Ken (of Barbie fame). Now we know why his new album is called Timeless Love. Maybe he’s been hanging out with Kenny Rogers too much. Hard to see from this picture but just trust me on this, he didn’t look good. His eyebrows were definitely lifted something fierce.

The Dixie Chicks get on my nerves. I said it. Kudos to them I guess for winning 20 Grammys but I think that was all part of a political “we hate Bush” voting scheme drummed up by the academy. I mean everyone wants him out of the White House right…who’s his biggest enemy?? You guessed it – The Dixie Chicks. I smell conspirarcy. You’re gonna tell me their record and album and song was better/more popular than JTs “Sexy Back” or Chili Peppers “Dani California”. I think not.

Gnarls Barkley has a great voice. But did he have to come dressed like Murdock (Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s character) from Airplane? Didn’t get the whole pilot look. Anyway Bridget made the observation of the night when she said Barkley looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters. I think you’d agree! (Click for a larger image and tell me what the difference is!). Did anyone check to see if he was drinking Ecto Cooler last night???

Best vocals of the night are a tie between Mary J. Blige and Christina Aguliera. Both of them belted out heart felt renditions. Both sounded great as well. Well done ladies.

John Mayer is very talented, but he needs to cut his hair. Him and Jessica Simpson are turning into freaks. Literally. Watching Mayer perform during the Grammys and seeing some of his facial reactions, he started to remind me of Edward Sissorhands.

That’s a few of the comments I had so far. Enjoy your Monday. I’m Ron Burgundy?

Wedding season is upon us July 14, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, music, top blog candidate, weddings.

With wedding season in full swing, and with Bridget & I committed to at least 6 weddings to attend this summer, it got me thinking about the whole wedding party thing. We’ve all experienced some drunken wedding doozies in our days complete with our share of memorable (or not so memorable) hookups. As everyone knows most hookups are started on the dance floor, for better or for worse. And we all know the dreaded equation of: dancing + drinking + beer goggles = hookup. Especially back when “we” (we = Marist crew) used to spend our freshman year completing the above equation numerous times at Berties. Especially when “we” hooked up with girls with one eye in this case we = Frank)…sorry Frank if you’re reading 🙂

So I’ve decided to take a shot at which songs are traditionally played at weddings that get us in the mood to abandon our defenses and go for the hookup.

In no particular order:

“Wonderful tonight” by Eric Clapton. No brainer here. Extra browning points if you use this opportunity to dance with the 7 year old niece of the bride.

“Lady in red” by Chris De Burgh. Another no brainer. Especially if the female you’re courting is wearing red. Although be warned of singing the lyrics terribly into her ear. That can lose you points right there.

“Hava Nagila”. Huh you ask? A few reasons. First it gives you a chance to flex those muscles as you lift the bride in the air in her chair. Second it gives you a glance at just about every lady imaginable at the wedding, since you’re flying around in a big circle. Three it gives you opportunity to hold hands with said available female (unless you’re holding hands with the grandmother or a member of the male species – then it’s not so good.)

“Electric Slide”. Really. Don’t knock it. The female to male ratio on the dance floor doing the slide is like 30:1. Seriously. Take a look next time.

“Have I told you lately” by Rod Stewart. Just don’t sing the lyrics if you’ve just met the girl. That comes off just a tad to aggressively.

“The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra. The perfect swooning and wooing song. Can’t go wrong with Sinatra. Bonus points if you add some twirls and dips to the dance. Just don’t drop her.

“Get down on it” by Kool and the Gang. This song is not nearly played enough at weddings. Sometimes it’s thrown into that 60s/70s/80s medly. But it’s a groovy dance track that lets you slip in for a little close-up action. Just don’t pull a muscle in your back trying to go low.

“Amazing” by Lonestar. Just because it’s the song everyone knows is completely overused at weddings but is ashamed to admit they like it. It’s always a good fall back song for that simple slow dance.

“Don’t want to miss a thing” by Aerosmith. Again another good fall back slow dance song. Not as cheezy as Lonestar.

“Laid” by James. Not played nearly enough. The lyrics practically lend itself to a cheap hookup. Great on finding the drunkest girl at the party -she’ll be letting herself go on the dance floor. Swoop in right away before the other guys snatch her up.

“Last Dance” by Donna Summer. Last Dance = Last Chance for hookup. Clutch because it starts slow and ends fast. Bonus points if you can throw some fancy twirls and moves in towards the end.

Here’s some songs you should avoid at all costs if necessary:

“Jump around” by House of Pain. No way to stop yourself from looking like an asshole as you mosh and jump your way around the dance floor. Especially if you knock the lady you’re trying to pursue over. This song is only acceptable at Irish Weddings where everyone’s a drunken mess anyway.

“Bust a Move” by Young MC. I don’t care how good of a dancer you were back in the day. You’re not anymore.

“Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. Same as above. Just let the girls do the dancing on this one. As a guy, this also helps to weed out the goombas from the non goombas. The goombas will take over the dance floor with some fancy footwork. Watch to see the type of girls that are attracted to the goombas. Avoid them. Go for the girls that are laughing at them. They’re the much cooler type.

Any other thoughts/comments?