jump to navigation

Big Pimpin’ October 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, celebrities, current events, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, prostitutes, random references, sarcasm, television, weird, world news.
26 comments

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.

Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: “If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?”.

I love the quote from Lipton: “We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say.”

What they didn’t tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a “Well played Mr. Lipton”.

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed?

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton looks at his index card, takes a puff of a pipe, and glances up, admiring said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: “If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be?”

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: “I would be a beav-ah… Monsieur”.

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) “Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played.”

End scene.

Obviously if you’ve never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won’t find any of this funny. If you haven’t seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations evernull

Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.

Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!

Food a-plenty October 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, critique, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, movies, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, restaurant, sarcasm, sports, television, travel, world news.
49 comments

There’s a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.

For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year’s supply of syrup. (BTW…waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut – ha ha – I’m so witty) in a “Chicken Wing Chowdown” on Spike TV.

Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I’m soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal’s to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi’s 97 Krystal’s in 8 minutes.

Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth’s Cafe in Seattle.

The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I’ve made some doozy omelettes in my days but don’t have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I’d like to tackle that one day.

I’m also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I’m gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there’s a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I’m gonna have to bust out the “I Eat’M Raw” shirt for some extra inspiration.

Another challenge I’m up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle’s Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese – a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that’s nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.

It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I’d definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don’t know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I’d like to embrace is the “World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner” at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I’m pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I’m not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don’t make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)

(Btw…no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

Ridin with the ‘po-po’ September 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, coffee, current events, dogs, eating, food, humor, new york city, pedestrian behavior, television.
16 comments

So last night was pretty adventurous. My “good citizenship” kicked in again as I was witness to a “small time crime” last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few ‘utes’ break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin’ around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said ‘utes’ had taken a “long metal instrument used to climb” and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i’m not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity – you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas…don’t need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to “take a visual”.

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing “fit the bill” but I couldn’t make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn’t make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken to and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit…let me tell you, for those who haven’t been in the back of a copcar there’s NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I’m not even that tall. Anyone over 6’2″ would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn’t say dick because they don’t give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I’d make a good cop…although I’d prefer to be a undercover or “rogue civilian” cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of “petty” crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers…apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald’s burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).

I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should’ve thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn’t a donut that had a certain “sugar-like substance” spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the “powderly sugar” goodness. Of course I’m talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I’m sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.

And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn’t you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn’t become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I’m a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it’s very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that’s probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinklely and her face was compressed like a pug’s is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):

Everyone loves my giant peter September 7, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, funny, humor, sarcasm, television.
27 comments

So on this “show and tell” Friday I’d figured I show everyone my giant peter!

Everyone who walks by my desk stops to play with my peter. They make it talk and laugh. They turn it on and off. One co-worker (who will remain anonymous for fear of nasty office rumors spreading) said as he walked by my cube: “I LOVE your giant peter!”.

I guess I’m flattered. I mean I know I just got my giant peter a few days ago but had I known it would have been this popular I would have ‘sprung’ for one a long time ago!

(WAIT JUST A MINUTE – was that a ‘funny’ I just made! LOOK OUT…I think I’m feeling funny again!!! FINALLY! About fuckin time. Who’s bringing funny back? Yeah!)

Anyway I guess I should share my giant peter with the rest of you.

So without further adieu here he is…live and in the flesh…my giant peter.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Cue Peter Griffin laugh.

“Fantasy” Weekend August 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, current events, eating, fashion, food, football, new york city, television.
22 comments

When you think “fantasy weekend” you probably don’t envision 12 guys in a room drinking beer, talking football, with a newborn and a greyhound (unless maybe you’re Britney Spears). But when it’s fantasy football season, there’s no time for females or lounging at the beach. There’s some pride on the line and some drafting to be done! Well, this past weekend was my annual fantasy football draft. I’m proud to say our league has been in existance for 15 years and I think I’ve been a part of it for the last 9. The best part about our league is that we try to be together in person for the draft. Obviously getting everyone in the same room year after year is difficult, especially with people living all over the country, but that’s what makes our league special.

Anyway, not to bore you with all of the fantasy football details (if you want to know my team feel free to post a comment) but one of the highlights is always the food. We’ve come a long way since our inception, and at recent drafts you could find lobster, freshly caught steamed quahog, Vietnamese Tiger Shrimp (the biggest shrimp you’ve ever seen!), homemade chili and other tasty treats (both homemade and store bought).

For this year I was able to bust out some boneless buffalo chicken strips using my newly updated recipe. I bake my famous “buffalo wings” instead of frying them and make a “special sauce” which has become famous over the years at Super Bowl parties and other gatherings. I’ve started to substitute chicken wings for skinless, boneless chicken breast that I carve up into bite size portions and bake away. The result is a nice tender and tasty buffalo chicken piece that’s for the most part healthy for you (minus the sodium in the buffalo wing sauce).


My buffalo style chicken (right) accompanied by Pigs in a Blanket and Jalepeno Poppers

Along with my buffalo style chicken we feasted on Connell’s chili, pizza, homemade Hummus, brownies, and Ian’s extra large, butterflied grilled tiger shrimp (of which I ate about 20 of – hence no pictures).


Connell’s chili


Pizza and homemade hummus

So the food this year was a success, even if we didn’t have freshly caught clams and steamed lobster. But maybe we’ll make up for it next year!

Anyway, I had another “fantasy” experience last night when I was invited to a swank party thrown by Meow Mix. Now when you think Meow Mix you don’t think party (unless there’s some catnip thrown in!) but the party was a “Meow Mix Acatemy Back to School party”.

The party was thrown in a converted space on Union Square East and 15th street. There were limos in the front and cameras everywhere and immediately I thought I wouldn’t be let in with my khakis and untucked polo shirt. But since I “was on the list” I was let in.

Immediately after I walked through the front doors it was like a stepped on stage of a model shoot. To my left was a photo area where singer Kat DeLuna was holding some cats and posing for pictures. On my right was an area to purchase Meow Mix “attire” including t-shirts and handbags. Further into the room were two side rooms with more photo areas, including a life-size kitty play area where another model was taking pictures. The room then opened up into a bar and food area, with a stage and areas to “catnap” and stretch.

Since the party was cat themed, invited guests were (besides Kat DeLuna): Iron Chef Cat Cora, “Big Pussy” from the Sopranos, CariDee (winner of America’s Next Top Model) and Rachel Hunter. Not sure what Rachel Hunter had to do with cats, but regardless she was there (although I didn’t even recognize her, nor did I recognize any celebrities for that matter). All I know was that there were LOTS of tall women there (presumably all models) and lots of yummy food (and a large sampling of Meow Mix Salmon treats for your cats there for the taking). I had joked with some guests that they should serve up the cat treats on little crackers just to see if people would’ve noticed the difference (they probably wouldn’t have). But all in all for the little I was there it was a good time (how can you not enjoy watching models prance around a small room trying to “one-up” each other).

Here are some published pics from last night:

Apparently the “Meow Mix Acatemy” is here to stay for a while too. So may be something to check out if you’re a cat lover. Although hopefully the geniuses behind ICanHazCheezburger won’t go and fuck it up for cat lovers.

What I’ve Learned July 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, random references, sarcasm, television, video.
21 comments

So I’ve learned a lot over the past 199 posts.  I’ve learned that I enjoy blogging…and each day that I can’t post an update I’m extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned).  But hey, since I’m not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to “pay the bills” with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok?  Good. 

But over the past 199 posts I’ve learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose.  Also I’ve learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes “adult content” and “bathroom humor”.  I’ve also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior.  But hey, I’m a Brooklyn born and raised’er…who said I wasn’t supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I’ve also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world.  I know I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I’ve made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw. 

But enough of the sentimental bullshit.  You read me to laugh.  I’m a humor blog.  Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I’m not funny. 

null

So without further adieu, here is the “200th What Pushes My Buttons post”! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central.  Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I still couldn’t help but to make a few “puns” while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn’t know they turned Lexington Avenue into “Steampipe Alley”

Looks like today is a real “steam bath”.

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from “I Love New York” to “We’ve got ‘Steam Heat'”

Ok…that’s enough.  Thank you. Thank you.  I’ll be here all night.  Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved.  Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around. 

null
I think I’m getting the “black lung”

A few of you have asked me if I’m giving away any “presents” for my 200th blog celebration.  Well frankly that’s not in the budget yet…BUT what I do want to give you is…

null
My dick in a box! Enjoy!

In the “P’Zone” July 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, coffee, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, lunch, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, restaurant, television.
26 comments

Before I get into the “zone”, it was like I hit the lottery this morning. There was no line at Starbucks (although by the time I left the line was out the door) and I even got a free Women’s Health wristband for a promotion they’re doing this weekend!

Seriously, what else could a guy ask for?? It’s like I stepped in shit today (actually true story – I almost did…wasn’t looking down and thankfully last second I nimbly avoided the pile of poo). Actually maybe I fooled the “stepped in shit gods” into thinking I actually stepped in shit when I in fact avoided it! Hmm…I’ll see how my luck the rest of the day goes before confirming this theory.

Anyway on this past Tuesday I had the pleasure of attending the first Pizza Hut P’Zone Eating Challenge which took place right here in the NYC.

The contest, put on by Pizza Hut as a promotion for their P’Zone, invited anyone in the nation a chance to compete against Kobayashi in a pizza eating challenge.

The drawing, which was done at random, was soliciting amateur eaters a chance to go up against one of the all-time eating legends.

The lucky winner? Marivic Stewart from Spokane, WA, a married mother of two, who was partaking in her first competitive eating battle.

The challenger however wasn’t Kobayashi, who was still suffering the effects of a recent jaw injury and could not compete (Pizza Hut is claiming the thickness of their P’Zone would be too much for Kobayashi’s jaw to handle). Marivic’s challenger was none other than the man himself, Joey Chestnut.


Kobayashi explaining that he won’t be competing

The challenge was to eat as many P’Zone’s as you could in 6 minutes. While I’m not at privilege to disclosure the results of the competition (the information, as well as video from the event will be released on Friday the 13th), you can make your own assumptions about who the victor was.

Regardless of not being able to report on the “official results” just yet it was a fun event, and I was among the small crowd who watched the proceedings carefully. The event wasn’t open to the public, but through some friendly contact from the PR Director of Pizza Hut, I was able to learn about the location.

I also got a chance to meet the new American hero, Joey Chestnut, live and in the flesh. Also in attendance in the room were none other than Kobayashi himself and fellow IFOCE competitive eaters Eric “Crazy Legs” Conti and Tim “Eater X” Janus.

Three of the best eaters in the world in one room: Crazy Legs, Joey Chestnut and me!

Besides the eaters, there were only some members of the media (who taped the festivities for Pizza Hut and the MLE – Major League Eating) and some of Kobayashi’s interpreters and PR agents. Being that I was the MOST influential “media” in the room (after all I do have the “best blog” in NYC right? Ok maybe it’s more like the best blog among blind lepers, but that counts for something right?) I had the ability to be among the privileged few to witness the best eaters in the world up close and personal (until they started letting the general public in by giving away free P’Zones…but even then people had no idea what was transpiring, took their free P’Zones and left. Idiots)

After the competition ended and the competitor who shall remain nameless took home the title, I headed back to my office with P’Zone in hand.


I had the Pepperoni stuffed P’Zone. After watching the competition and being in the same room with boxes and boxes of pizza smelling goodness, and no doubt inspired by the eating prowess I shared a room with, I made quick work of the P’Zone in front of me. Joey himself would have been proud.

All in all it was a great day. Got to say hello to the greatest eaters on the planet and got to watch Joey himself chow down in an intimate setting. It certainly wasn’t like the 20,000 plus people who crammed into Coney Island to watch him shatter the world Hot Dog eating record, but standing no more than 30 feet away from the man himself with 20 other people in the room at most was completely fine by me.

“Coming Out” Party July 5, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in brooklyn, current events, eating, food, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, restaurant, sports, television, world news.
27 comments

So as you all undoubtedly saw, my man Joey Chestnut took home the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship yesterday, bringing the coveted Mustard Belt back home to the USA for the first time since 1996.

It was crazy. Some of the most riveting, suspenseful, jaw-dropping live television I’ve seen in a long time. Fuck the Sopranos…if you wanted drama, you should have watched the end of the hot dog eating contest. You had everything you could ask for in a showdown of epic proportions.


It began with the Don King style “pre-eat” weigh-in.

You had the classic USA vs Japan matchup. A storyline that the WWE would just about kill for these days (no pun intended…since they tried that whole “death” angle recently and it failed. Miserably.)

You had the 6 time Nathan’s defending champion Kobayashi vs the new world record holder Chestnut.

When the contest started I turned to Bridget, Avi and Lauren (we were watching the festivities at Bar Coastal) and said Chestnut’s good for 60 today.

60 dogs? Chestnut’s previous best was 59 1/2. Kobayashi? 54 1/2. Kobayashi would need to best his personal best by 6 dogs just to stay close with Chestnut. No way he could do that with a sore jaw right?


Translation of look on Kobayashi’s face: Me have to eat 60 dogs??? Holy shit!

But there they were. Standing toe to toe. Going dog for dog. 60? You bet. Both competitors hit 60 with 2 minutes to go.


Both competitors try to keep it together with time running out

Kobayashi even took a slight lead 63-62. No way. Chestnut was on the ropes. Panic set in. Kobayashi was giving the performance of a lifetime. The TV announcers were comparing it to Curt Schilling’s bloody sock effort in game 6 of the ALCS.

Then it all came out. Well not all. But some.


Yep…Kobayashi had reached capacity. Trying desperately to keep up with Joey, Kobayashi was pushing himself beyond the limits. It was a gutsy performance, but in the end his stomach and mouth couldn’t handle it. But he kept going. And kept eating. And ESPN (of course as they always do) cut to commercial before the official decision was announced. When they left on break it was 63-62 Chestnut. But what about the puke? That’s a DQ in competitive eating terms. Or as they like to call it “a reversal”. So no matter how many hot dogs Kobayashi shoved in his mouth post puke, he would only be credit with those eaten up to that point. In the end it looked like Chestnut had him, by at least a dog or two.

It was the grittiest, most mano y mano performance you will ever find in any sport. Two warriors battling it out till the last second. Echoing shades of the epic battles between Ali vs Frazier and Sosa vs McGwire, Kobayashi v Chestnut II was an instant classic (people seem to forget Kobayashi narrowly defeated Chestnut by a hot dog and a half last year when Chestnut was a virtual unknown).


But more remarkable was the amount of hotdogs eaten. Both shattered their personal and world records. 54 1/2 was Kobayashi’s previous best. He ate 63. Chestnut downed 59 1/2 earlier this year. How about a 66 spot. In 12 minutes. That’s one hotdog and bun roughly every 10.9 seconds! That’s fuckin ridiculous.


Chestnut posing with 66 hot dogs after his victory

If you didn’t think competitive eating is a real sport, think again. These guys pushed their bodies past the limits in a competition for world supremacy. Let that be a lesson to all of the other “athletes” out there who collect their fat paychecks and give 50% of their effort. Long live the IFOCE and all hail King Joey!

Even grass is on steriods these days July 2, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, critique, funny, humor, opinion, photos, pictures, sarcasm, television.
16 comments

So Bridget and I were watching TV last night and on came an informerical for Patch Perfect.

The product is a grass “enhancer”, helping you maintain that perfect lawn. The line that left us laughing was the announcer strongly saying “It’s like grass seed on steriods!!”

I went on the website this morning and apparently you can just “spread it and forget it” (sounds awful familiar to the Showtime Rotisserie by Ron Popeil – “Just Set it and Forget It!”). Although it sounds even MORE familiar to what some athletes are doing these days. Do you think Sheffield or Bonds had the “spread it and forget it” attitude with their “sports creams”?

I can’t wait for the WGGC to get their hands on Patch Perfect (that’s the World Grass Growing Coalition for those not in the know). Steriod use is running rampant in the grass growing field these days. Especially with more and more homeowners looking for that competitive-edge when growing their grass. Millions of them have resorted to using GGH (Grass Growth Hormones) type products to enhance their lawns. Unfortunately the government has other problems regarding growth hormones these days among professional athletes that they’ve turned a blind eye to the blatent abuse that happens to soil millions of times a day. It’s about time the WGGC stepped up and stopped people from feeding steriods to the earth.

The problem doesn’t stop with lawns either. All sorts of birds, squirrels, pigeons and other animals are eating the steriod seeds before they have a chance to infiltrate the ground and sprout. Angry, testostorone fueled gangs of pigeons have been spotted in recent weeks.


An angry gang of steriod fueled pigeons

These bigger, badder pigeons are causing havoc throughout the city by dropping “mega-shits” on people’s heads, car roofs and sidewalks. I think it’s about time lawn companies stepped up and stopped the distribution of their products. There’s millions of pigeons in this world and the last thing we need is all of them uniting to blast us off the face of the earth with their mega acid staining feces!

I Love L.A. June 29, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, basketball, critique, current events, opinion, sports, television, world news.
7 comments

So quotheth 2Pac. Not because of the weather. Or the girls. Or the West Coast rap game. Solely because of the Clippers.

The L.A. Clippers.

The beloved perennial losers. The team that turned the franchise around by drafting Peekskill NY product Elton Brand (who I got to see play and meet numerous times when his H.S. team played at Marist).

Why do I love the Clippers now? Cause they drafted Jared Jordan. A 6’1″ point guard that played for Marist (my beloved alum).

The little guy that most people said was too small, lacked athleticism, lacked size. The same little guy that was voted MVP of the Greater Hartford Pro Am last year and who wowed NBA scouts all summer.

If you were watching the NBA Draft last night you’ll notice that commentator Jay Bilas never had Jared on his “Best Available” picks. He had guys like Ramon Sessions. Tareuan Green. Some guards from Venus and Jupiter. But nary a mention of Jordan.

Of course, ESPN was at a 5 minute commercial break when it was the Clippers turn to pick. I looked up from packing away for the weekend to see “Current Selection: Jared Jordan” followed by more commercials.

They came back from break and did one of those “while you were gone, here are the losers who got drafted” sort of deals. And yes, they showed a few clips of Jordan and follow with more criticism about his size and praise about being the best “pure point guard” in the draft.

But you fucking deprived me of what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear his name called. To have that “oh shit, I can’t believe he just got drafted moment”. Nope…I had to watch it on a fuckin scroll that I was just fortunate to catch at the right moment.

I don’t even know if the crowd booed. Or cheered. Or was impartial. Even Jared Jordan himself was deprived of the experience of hearing his own name called.

http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070629/SPORTS0401/706290322

What if he went to take a piss? Or go open another bag of Doritos? He wouldn’t have even seen that he had been drafted until 5 minutes after it happened.

So a big FUCK YOU to ESPN for not only depriving Jared Jordan himself, but the rest of the Marist students and alumni at probably one of few times (since it’s only happened once before – Rik Smits) we’ll get to hear “The so-and-so select (insert player name) from Marist College.” Thanks alot for depriving that us ESPN. I hope that fuckin commercial, whatever it was, helped pay your bills this month. I’m so glad you were airing live when these players from Spain and god knows where else were getting drafted considering those foreign players won’t even be playing in the fucking league next year thanks to current contracts with their current teams. Because we all had a rooting interest in Giorgio whatshisface from Kazakastan. Way not to show the little guy from the small school getting drafted. You fuckin pricks. Also eat shit Jay Bilas. Shows how much you fucking know. Half of your “best available” list didn’t even end up getting drafted. Why don’t you do your homework next time and not eat crow on the air.

Anyway, congrats Clippers fans. You’ll get to see a player who’ll give 100% each and every night on the court (btw…love that Stephen A. Smith said the Knicks were trying to trade down to get Jordan…yeah, I’m sure they were. Because another guard was exactly what they needed. Assholes). Hopefully when the Clippers come to town they’ll destroy the Knicks. And I can laugh as I watch Jordan dish assist after assist to Brand. And laugh when the crowd turns on the Knicks and cheers for the little guy that could.

Anyway…off for the weekend! Enjoy everyone!