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Jaws of Life December 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, subways.
18 comments

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph


Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

What Are the Odds??? November 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, movies, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, subways, world news.
13 comments

Before I begin, let’s have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other “performance drink” out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You’ll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can’t believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I’m actually pretty psyched to see the movie “I Am Legend” with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled “The World Without Us” by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:


After 2 days of no humans


After 2-4 years of no humans


After 5 years of no humans


After 300 years of no humans


After 500 years of no humans


After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I’m sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio…although then they wouldn’t be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they’ll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based “what-if” scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.

Wacky Wednesday October 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, politics, random references, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, subways, weird.
109 comments

So on the subway this morning this guy sits next to me and starts reading the Post. He pulls out a carrot and starts chomping on it. Like, a full grown carrot, complete with brown spots and everything. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and it took him like 30 seconds just to chew and digest each bite before he’d chomp into the next bite.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone just start chewing on a carrot like that in the city…let alone on the subway. Most citiers get those presliced carrots…or they wash the carrots they buy and maybe peel off the outer layer. But this guy was chomping through, dirt and all.

Then on my way into my building I’m walking behind this woman who is obviously having a tough morning. She’s juggling her two bags, laptop and cup of starbucks and pretty much holding up pedestrian traffic. Oh and she’s also on the phone, one of those ear piece thingys. Anyway I overhear her say “yeah, it sucks, my space bar isn’t working…i mean how can you not have spaces. It’s like an important key. It’s not like an A or something”.

Iknowthespacebarisaveryimportantkeyandallbutseriously,isitmoreimportant
tobemissingspacesorisitmoreimportanttobemissingthelettera?

But of all letters she chose to call out, why the letter A? Don’t the vst mjority of the words we use contin the letter A? (3 A’s would have been used in that sentence alone!) Why didn’t she just say it’s not an important key, like the F11 button. Or the letter Z. Or any of those useless keyboard keys, like Pause/Break or Windows Start?

So I’m dedicating today’s blog post to the letter A.

A is in, asshole why don’t you think before you speak next time.

In other breaking news, a “coon” is running for president.

Now WAIT…before you go running off calling me racist and think I’m talking shit about Obama…I’m talking about a raccoon. As in the animal.


Can a raccoon be our next president?

It’s true. A raccoon by the name of “Key Coon” has already been endorsed by several influential bloggers, including one of our favorites, Laurie Kendrick.

In fact, early polls out of “Coonecticut” indicate that Key Coon has 68% of the popular vote, due to the fact that he has campaigned hard through the “Coonstitution State”.

Here at WhatPushesMyButtons, we have held back from declaring our support to any of the candidates for the ’08 election. But hopefully KeyCoon will be here to answer some very important questions our readers have in mind, like:

Would KeyCoon promote the growth of coontinuing education among today’s workers?

Could KeyCoon gain coontrol of the senate and the house?

What are KeyCoon’s plans to ease urban coongestion?

If he can answer those questions in a positive light, we may have no choice but to throw our support behind KeyCoon, who has unofficially been labeled, “The People’s Coon”.

And for those who have questions about the KeyCoon sex scandal, hopefully KeyCoon can address the issues upfront and honestly. Last thing we need is another president with a love of cigars and interns.


Can Keycoon overcome the sex scandals and make a run for presidency?

So go over to KeyCoon headquarters and let him know what your thoughts are about his run for presidency and stay tuned for more answers for your questions on his coongenda.

Some Like It Hot… August 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, eating, fashion, food, funny, lunch, music, new york city, nostaglia, politics, random references, subways.
16 comments

I like it not.

Seriously…it’s a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning’s commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn’t have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets – eaten cold right out of the packaging.

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No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I’m less than satisfied…although I really don’t feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right now…in fact just looked at the current weather map and there’s more red on the map than in Reagan’s 1984 presidential win over Mondale.


This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing “Some Like it Hot” to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on…
Some feel the heat and decide that they can’t go on…
Some like it hot, but you can’t tell how hot ’til you try…
Some like it hot, so let’s turn up the heat ’til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

Excuse me miss, you dropped your tampons July 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, critique, funny, humor, new york city, pedestrian behavior, pictures, sarcasm, stupidity, subways.
21 comments

Actually, that’s the second time in my life I’ve seen someone drop their tampons.

The first time was at a duane reade about 12 years ago. A lady dropped a box of tampons on the ground as she was juggling her other feminine products in her hands. I noticed her struggling and kindly picked up her tampons for her and handed them to her. She was a bit embarrassed, but i was young and didn’t really care. She was actually really pretty, which is one of the reasons why I picked them up for her (I know, I know…typical man!) But hey I was 18 years old and just being curteous 😉 My momma didn’t raise no fool!

The second time was decidedly a more embarrassing situation. I was waiting for an uptown 2/3 train at 34th street last night and there was this girl who was
a bit disheveled. She bent over and out of her overnight bag fell out a single tampon. At first she didn’t see said tampon fall to the ground.  Another lady pointed to the ground behind her and she noticed. The girl who dropped the tampon looked at it and was immediately embarrassed. She waived her hand at it and said she didn’t need it.

Then a few seconds later after she was beat red, she paced around staring at it and started crying. Then she walked away quickly in embarrassment. I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for the chic. I looked at the woman who originally pointed out the tampon to the girl and she just shrugged her shoulders with a slight smirk.

I mean at some point the girl should have just picked up the tampon. No one around her really cared. I didn’t even pay her much attention. Although I could see where it would be embarrassing. I dropped my dildo once on a crowded subway platform. Everyone saw. And laughed. And pointed at me and called me names like Dildo boy. So what if I pissed my pants on the spot. I picked up my dildo, placed it back in my bag and continued on with my day. But this girl….she panicked…and cried…and ran. Poor thing. Maybe she was French!

Anyway, right as the train was coming I took a picture of said tampon and then hopped on the train. Although I’m sure some asshole probably reported a “suspicious package” on the subway platform.

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Is that a suspicious package, or just a tampon?

Could you imagine. The SWAT team comes out. The white gloved bomb squad comes in.

“What is it sir”?

“I’m not sure, it’s some foreign torpedo like device. (looking through x-ray scope). Oh my god…run away…it has wings!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’ll go down exactly like that. Either that or someone will have just gone about their commute home and found themselves a tampon. Call it their lucky day! Some people find pennies. Some find tampons. You know, you can get a pretty penny on the street for a tampon…especially the unused ones!

So hot in…so hot in herre July 9, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, current events, funny, music, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, subways, world news.
56 comments

Yes…I misspelled here…Nelly misspelled it too and he sold 10 trillion records. So maybe by misspelling it I’ll get like 10 trillion page views. Not likely, but worth a shot.

Anyway I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying this whole dress casual to work and then change at work thing. It’s been a lifesaver. I’m sweating half as much as I used to. The subway was packed this am, but I kept cool by wearing a polo shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops. Sure, my toes were nearly crushed to pieces 100 times. And yes, I did still sweat a little while trying to keep my duffel bag between my legs and avoid tipping over thanks to the people crashing into me. But you know what, my legs didn’t sweat. None of those nasty sweats under your pants you can’t get rid of the rest of the day.

Sure, people may look at you like you’re not important. Or they may say, oh, he must be a camp counselor or look at that guy, he probably is a mail room clerk or something derogatory like that. And maybe the guys with the suits get more looks from the ladies than the guy dressing like he’s going to the beach. But you know what…ask the guy in the suit who’s more comfortable? He may look better, but ask him how the sweat feels that’s running down his back? Let’s see how he feels when the pit stains under his arms start showing up in 30 seconds.

I can’t stress enough how dressing casually has done wonders for my mood in the morning. I went into my barber shop this am…my barber asked me if I was going to the beach. I said with a chuckle, nope…going to work. I walked down the street and people looked at me with a mixture of curiousity and no doubt jealousy. I was “that guy” dressed like a California surfer amidst the throngs of “think I’m important” business people. Although the worst part is when I get to work and have to change. Off come the shorts, on go those restrictive pants. My mood deflats a bit. But at least I’m a little less sweatier to start my day. And I can take solice that for even a brief time this morning, it felt like a day at the beach. Minus the sand, surf and pina colada’s of course.

Anyway, I saw this morning that Clay Aiken got “beat up by a girl” on a flight recently. According to reports: “the dispute was over the male passenger’s foot resting on the woman’s armrest. He said there was an allegation the woman gave the male passenger a “minor shove” during the argument.”

I’m sure Clay was like “Bitch, I’m resting my foot on your armrest. Don’t you know who I am. I’m Clay Fuckin Aiken. Now get on your knees and bow down in front of me”.


And on the 8th day God created Clay

And then the girl stood up and Clay stood up. And the girl was much bigger and badder than Clay. And bopped him one right in the kisser.

Staring Problem July 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, funny, humor, movies, music, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, subways, video.
31 comments

So this morning I’m sitting on the subway reading AM New York and this lady across from me is staring at me. Thinking she may wanna read the paper too I open it up wider and lift it for her so she has a good view. I read an article, glance up and she’s still staring at me. Another 60 seconds go by, I dart my eyes up…same thing. Full out stare. And not one of those I’m staring into space stares. This was I’m staring at you intentionally kinda stare.

Then I start thinking. Do I know her from somewhere?

Nope…never seen her before.

Do I have something on my face? Did my goiter grow overnight? Am I showing too much cleavage?

No…no…and perhaps…

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Goiter? What Goiter?

But she’s still continuing to stare dead ahead at me. And I started to get uncomfortable. She wasn’t the most attractive nor skinniest of people. Actually I was getting quite worried that she was eyeing me up as her breakfast. Honestly. She had that cannibalistic look in her eye…the “get in my belly” kinda stare that Fat Bastard had in Austin Powers

Needless to say I buried my head deep into the paper. I noticed no one was sitting next to me anymore but the woman was still there, practically salivating. I could’ve sworn I saw her place a bib around her neck…then again I didn’t have my glasses on so it could’ve been an ascot…or a necklace…but regardless there was something eerie about this woman.

Thankfully the drama ended when she got off at 42nd street. I breathed a sigh of relief. Cause I didn’t feel like being no one’s breakfast this morning.

I was so giddy and relieved that I wasn’t eaten, I jumped on the set of Soul Train and started dancing.

(That was me with the white pants doing the leg twirl in case you didn’t recognize me)

Anyway, it’s supposed to be a HOT HOT HOT one this weekend…so make sure you turn up your HOT 103.5 and listen to some Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.

Umm…

Wait…my bad. I thought I was in 1987 for a moment.

Well as Broadway Bill Lee says… “stay calm, kiss your mom, ban the bomb, do the best you can, remember God loves you man”

“Bat” Man June 14, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, baseball, breakfast, common sense, critique, dogs, food, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sports, subways, yankees.
24 comments

Last night sitting in the bleachers at the Yankees game I was sitting in front of this older couple, probably in their 50s. They looked like they just got off the bus from Woodstock, with their long white hair and shoddy clothing. However they seemed nice and they were definitely avid Yankee fans. The lady however was cheering for everything. She even cheered loudly when the corporate sponsor for umbrella day was acknowledged before the game. Who cheers for the corporate sponsor??? But the worst part was her whistle. She emitted this ultra-high pitched whistle that I think most dogs would cover their ears listening too. It was deafening. I’m still hearing some of the feedback in my ear. She whistled and clapped for everything. Mussina threw a ball? “Come on Mooooseeee let’s get it back” followed by loud claps and her shreiking whistle. Wil Nieves struck out again? Whistle, clap, whistle. “Get em next time Willie!”

I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cheering at games. But jesus christ lady…be aware of people sitting in front of you when you’re whistling. And there’s really no need to whistle for a foul ball. Honestly. If Mussina’s pitch count was 66 by the 5th inning, her whistle count was in the 100’s. Eventually I became deaf enough in my right ear that it stopped fazing me. But 2 or 3 people actually moved their seats because of her loud cheering. Thankfully I left in the 7th inning to avoid any further damage to my ear drums. What’s that? Huh? Sorry thought someone was calling my name.

Anyway, sorry to vent about that…I think that’s just my ear speaking out in frustration. Although it could have been worse. I could have been this guy (go to the Blogger site for larger image):

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I think the funniest part of the picture is how he’s the only one not defending himself from the bat. People a few seats over have their hands raised or are covering themselves. The people on the left side look like they’re watching a horror film and are screaming. But this guy just took the bat on the chin. According to the caption he suffered a broken rib…but not sure how he didn’t break his jaw. Then again he’s wearing an Ireland shirt, so I’m sure he’s used to getting hit in the face. (I’ll take Irish stereotypes for $200 please).

Ooooh…what’s that, someone just said there’s donuts in the conference room. I’m so there. Be back with more later…

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Mmmm….donuts

Post blog note: hmm…so turns out I’m just hearing things…no donuts. damn…that lady really fucked my ear up!

“Sue” City June 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, celebrities, comedy, critique, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, sarcasm, stupidity, subways, television, video, world news.
20 comments

So last night I saw that Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) is being sued again based on a clip that appeared in the movie Borat. The man doing the suing is Jeffrey Lemerond, a 31 year old geeky Wall Street financial analyst, who was shown in the movie running furiously away from Borat as he tried to give him a hug. Obviously Mr. Lemerond, who went to “Dartmouth” and therefore has no sense of humor, has suffered “public ridicule, degradation and humiliation” as a result of his appearance in the film. Apparently he’s suing on grounds he never gave consent to appear in the film.

Here’s the link to the article and also the video clip from the movie and analysis from CNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19103391/

Well of course they never got consent you douchebag…you were too busy running your ass off like a chicken shit. I think the other guy who told Borat he’d “break his fucking face” if he tried to touch him looked like even more of a douchebag in the movie (douchebag IS the word of the day btw).

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The word of the day is Douchebag!

The New York City scenes in the movie cracked me up, probably because I live here…but the chicken on the subway scene was great. Especially when he told the passengers “Be careful he bite” as the chicken was flying around the subway. I need to get the movie on DVD…I’m cracking up just thinking about it.

Anyway, point is, yes these guys made a big fool out of themselves in a movie that millions saw around the world. But you know what, they should embrace the fact that they looked like douchebags (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!). I’d be like, yeah, I ran from Borat…but I’m a “celebrity” now. I mean look at William Hung. He made more of an ass out of himself than anyone in recent history and now he’s got his own record deal and will forever be “infamous”.

I’m sorry that the little sissy got his feelings hurt. He didn’t know his running away act was gonna be filmed for one of the most popular movies of all time. But maybe he should of stopped and talked to Borat instead of running away. I mean he must have saw the camera right? He could have said sorry I don’t want to appear in this movie. And that would’ve been the end of it. Better yet, they could have easily just had the camera running on a tripod and filmed his likeness walking by, and thus he would’ve been in the movie.

Hell, most of us have probably been in movies or TV shows walking around in the background of some street scene. Not all movies are filmed in roped off little areas. Sometimes you just get establishing shots with people walking by. You think everyone in the movie Midnight Cowboy signed a release to appear in the film? How bout Tootsie? Thousands of people were filmed walking down the streets in those movies. Some were probably picking their nose or wearing embarassing clothing. Did they sue? No.

So the fact that he ran is really his fault. Maybe next time he shouldn’t be such a mama’s boy. Although he’s making even more of an ass of himself now by suing. Just look at this headline (click image to read the article):

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Ouch! I mean really…Jeffrey. Look what you’ve done now! Instead of just taking a ribbing from people that know you, now you’re getting lambasted all over the internet. Good work. Hope that lawsuit goes well for you. You’ve should have just said, you know what guys…I’m a pussy. I ran away like a chicken shit. But you know what…at least I’m famous now. Nope…instead he’s crying wolf. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf. He got his ASS BEAT!!!

Lady…it wouldn’t kill ya… May 24, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in American Idol, asshole of the day, common sense, critique, current events, dancing, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, racquetball, random references, sarcasm, stupidity, subways.
14 comments

So last night I got on the uptown 4 train at Bowling Green and at Wall St. this rather “weighty” (to say it politely) lady sat next to me. She sat down with a bag of McDonalds on her lap and starting eating. At this point I was starving having just played racquetball for almost 2 hours so the smell of fries and burgers was making my stomach grumble. She opens the bag and I peer in. She had like 4 quarter pounders with cheese and an overflowing portion of fries. I tried not to stare as she devoured fries and burgers.

Anyway, at 14th street, a very skinny and sickly looking homeless man came onto the train looking for some change or food. I actually had no bills smaller than $20 lest I would have given him some change. The lady, seeing that the man was approaching, stuffed a hunk of burger in her mouth and rolled up her bag of McDonald’s. Not sure if the guy saw her or not but as he politely asked her if she could spare some change or food, she shook her head no as she tried to chew her food slowly. The guy stared at her for a few seconds and then walked away.

I mean really…lady…it wouldn’t kill you to spare one of the burgers in your bag. Unless you were bringing it home for your family…which it appeared that you weren’t, I think you could’ve done without an extra cheeseburger. I mean I’m sure the 2,000 calories you already downed with the burgers and fries didn’t come close to filling you up. But if you ever even complained about being fat…well…now you know why.

I looked at her in disbelief and disgust. A guy across from me looked at me and shook his head and we smiled. Cause he was thinking the same thing I was. You fucking fat ass…spare a fucking cheeseburger… (at least I think that’s what he was thinking – it was what I was thinking). Anyway, its a good thing I had my “inner voice” working lest I would have created a messy situation. And that wouldn’t have been good.

Anyway, been stuck in a land of work today so many apologies for the late blog. That and I’m heading to Nashville tomorrow for a work event. Maybe I’ll run into my girl Gretchen and she can show me a rootin tootin good time down there! Although I’ll need to download some country onto my iPod to get me caught up on the latest country hits. And I may have to have Bridget give me some quick line dancing lessons. I wouldn’t want to be the only one not doing the “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” at the bar!


“Oh get down, turn around go to town boot scootin’ boogie”

Anyway…sorry for the short and sweet post for now…I’ll try to give y’all something good before we hit the holiday weekend!

Oh and btw…about American Idol…TOLD YOU SO! America loves a crier!