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Move bitch, get out the way October 18, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, critique, current events, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, signs, stupidity, yankees.
33 comments

Today’s post is dedicated to all of those assholes who get in the way.

Like the guy who was arrested a few years back for blocking traffic on the sidewalk.

The pedestrian in question, Matthew Jones, “was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest — by flailing his arms– on June 12, 2004. Police said other people “had to walk around” him, and he wouldn’t move when asked.” He is currently appealing his arrest.

Well I’m glad he went to the slammer. Had he followed the proper rules of pedestrian engagement and wasn’t a douchebag maybe he would have avoided getting a plunger stuck up his ass.

Next up is this fat ass who got in the way of a sixty-nine:

Good job 55. Fuckin fat ass. All I wanted was a picture of a 6-9 and you ruined it. Don’t you know there’s only two people in a sixty-nine…unless you’re in a Utah porn or something (btw, someone got to my blog recently by searching for Utah porn. Not sure why Utah porn is so special. Maybe it’s because of all the mormons. hmm…)

Another guy who needs to go the fuck home is this guy:

“The protest was not without its superfans. Joaquin Ferreira, 54, of Brooklyn, arrived decked out in a Yankees hat and jacket. A fan for 10 years, he said, “I’m here to support Joe Torre. If Joe leaves, the Yankees will go to hell.”

Wait a minute…Superfan? 10 years?? Are you fucking kidding me?!? So let’s see…hmm…10 years ago was 1997. Oh WAIT, that was ONE year AFTER the Yankees won the World Series. OH so that qualifies him as a superfan??? That Bandwagon jumping muthafucka? Un real. So he’s been a fan just as long as Joe Torre has been a manager with the team. Nice. Good intelligent writing AM New York. Oh and look, the person who wrote the article is a Newsday writer. The pinaccle of sports journalism. What a joke. Calling him a super fan is like calling boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ funny. (LK- there you go, I took a shot at her. Third in the voting for funniest blog my ass.)

Another person who needs to get out of the way is this asshole that had a sign that said “Cowboys Bound 4 Superbowl”.

Good job genius. Hope some Patriot fans shoved that up your ass after the game. Moron. Why don’t you wait until we’ve actually made the playoffs before declaring a trip to the Superbowl. Oh, wait…you must be a “superfan” too like the douche above. Let me guess, you started being a Cowboys fan in ’93? And no true fan goes to the game with a sign that calls out the network that’s calling the game. Fuck face.

Oh and btw…why that girl was announcing to the world that she’s a Homo Sexual is beyond me. I mean she’s cute and all and some chick would be lucky to have her as a partner. But seriously, honey, saying you’re a homo sexual with a big sign is probably not the best way to get on TV.

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Dancin Fool June 1, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, dancing, fashion, funny, humor, music, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, signs, stupidity, television, video, world news.
29 comments

Before I begin…a big asshole of the day goes to the lady who blatently cut me off on the way up the stairs getting off the 6 train at 33rd street this morning. Not only did she cut me off when there was no one behind me. She then proceeded slowly up the stairs in the middle of the stairway so I could neither pass her left or right. Then when she got to the top of the stairs, she was confused about where she was so she just stopped and stood there while I almost plowed into her. Then she shuffled her feet slowly in the same direction I was heading. Thanks lady…so glad you cut me off only to not know where the fuck you’re going. Smart move.

Anyway…today is Friday…which is casual Friday in my office. So that means you can wear jeans (no official verdict on whether Hawaiian shirts are allowed). However today I’m breaking the rules. I’m being a rebel. I’m wearing shorts. Yes shorts. Why? Because why should guys have to suffer wearing collared shirts and pants why girls get to wear next to nothing on hot summer days. Like it’s fair that I have to sweat my ass off in pants on a 90 degree day while some girl gets to wear a wife beater and a loose skirt. As Al Bundy would say…No Ma’am! Granted some may say they don’t want to see a guy’s flabby arms and hairy legs…and girls are much better to look at. But I have nice legs…so why shouldn’t I be able to show them off too? Plus there’s next to no ventilation in this office so I’d be a much more productive employee at a cooler temperature rather then having to worry about sweating through my shirt and pants. So today, shorts it is unless someone has the guts to tell me otherwise. I think I smell a reform in the workplace coming on. Men of the world UNITE!

So I was shocked to see that Akeelah didn’t win the spelling bee last night. I knew it was rigged! But I got home in time to watch the last finalists duke it out. Here’s one of the last contestants getting bounced from the competition (or go to the Blogger version of this site to view the following videos):

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2527567600035075882

And here’s the eventual champion spelling his final word for the title.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4051975443193252341

Although if you didn’t see it, the new champion, Evan O’Dorney gave one of the worst post winning interviews ever. Granted he was probably in shock. But Stuart Scott asked him what prepared him for this competition. And the kid, stumbling with a “just going through puberty like any teenage boy would voice” was like…umm…i like math…and the construction of math equations helped me learn how to break down words. It was painful to listen too. I actually turned the TV off. Poor kid. But congrats to him. You’re now gonna be forever known as that Spelling Bee kid. Good luck getting your ass kicked in High School…see how fast you can spell wedgie.

The other painful TV moment last night came during Do You Think You Can Dance. I flipped through the channels just in time to see this doozy of an audition:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4664833158521124069

Um…yeah…she got moves that’s for sure. She put Chris Brown too shame fa shizzle for nizzle. Although what you missed in this clip was Shane (one of the judges) saying…Do you know this competition? Do you know what we’re looking for? The girl shook her head no. We’re looking for athletic dancers. Not overweight dancers. You’re gonna get killed on this show.

Ouch…brutually honest. Had this been American Idol there would have been a huge uproar. But since no one is watching Think You Can Dance, I’m sure not a peep will be made. Not even from the Fat Persons of America Coalition. But definitely a very “holy crap did he just say that” TV moment right there. Good stuff.

Anyway, it’s Friday. The weekend is here. Time to slather on that tanning oil or SPF 2000 and soak up some rays…and some alcohol! Remember, as this sign says:

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Your liver is evil and must be destroyed!

Enjoy your weekend everyone

Things that make you go hmm…. May 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, common sense, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, signs, travel, weird.
29 comments

So Juliana sent me this link yesterday to a picture posted in a Belgium playground.

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Innocent enough playground description right? Children holding hands. Playing on swings. Fucking each other up the ass.

I guess that’s what they call the Belgium Dip? I mean really though…I know sexual rules are less stringent in Europe than they are here but starting at the playground…that’s a bit too early, no? You can say, oh, they’re just describing a wheelbarrow game. But honestly, how close do you get to the person who’s legs you’re holding during the wheelbarrow? Close enough to have your dick in their ass? I think not. You’re holding by the ankles…maybe the calves. Unless you’re hung like Ron Jeremy I don’t think you’re getting close enough to penetration. Could you see this picture in an American playground? Bad enough kids are having sex starting at 13 these days. Don’t need to be giving them new positions to try out!

Anyway…it reminded me that I forgot to share a few silly pictures from my London adventures with y’all. Oops. Here’s some more pictures/signs that will hopefully make you laugh a little on this “hump” day (Wednesday is often called “hump” day since it falls in the middle of the week – for those a little slow on the uptake).

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Nothing says entertaining your guests like a little “cockfighting”

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Remember, people with chlamydia feel healthy, just like you do!

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Take me to Cockfosters, pronto!

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Taken in a London “loo”…”Sir, would you care for a hot towel, mint, condom?”

Mow em’ Down! May 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, fashion, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, signs, subways, travel.
22 comments

Howdy everyone! I’m finally back from my jaunt over to London and let me tell you I’m glad to see the sun again. I almost forgot what it looked like. I think I saw the sun for a total of 15 minutes over a 4 day period in London. No joke. Maybe the Upper Uncton Bundy curse is still on.

Anyway have some great stories to share over the next few days with you all, but wanted to comment about some of the profound differences I found between London and New York. One of the major differences I saw right away was the lack of fat people. Seriously, is there anyone in London that weighs over 200 pounds? If you switched transportation systems and placed London tubes/underground in New York half the people wouldn’t be able to fit through the doors let alone fit in the seats! It’s crazy, some of the half doors that open on the trains, I was inches away from having to carry a stick of butter with me to fit through the door (if I have to explain that reference to you, you’re reading the wrong blog!).

And then there’s the seats themselves. The padding on the chairs is a great touch and the arm rests are great. But good luck to any fat people. I think the max someone can be to squeeze into a seat on the Tube is 250 pounds. At most.

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My sister on the “skinny seat person” tube. You think John Pinette would fit in those seats? I think not.

Anyone weighing over 250 pounds their fat would literally start spilling over the arm rests. I know, disgusting sight. But it’s the truth. But can’t say I actually saw anyone over 250 pounds on the Tube to prove my theory.

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The tube is a great way to get around London, unless you’re fat

That and no one has an ass out in London. Everyone’s ass is flat as a board. Both Bridget and my sister noticed that, and then when I paid attention I noticed that too. Crazy. Maybe that’s why the Tubes are so narrow…no worries about anyone’s “badunkadunk” getting in the way.

The second difference between New York and London has to do with pedestrians. In New York, pedestrians rule the roost. We can stop traffic just by crossing the street and cause traffic jams all by ourselves by refusing to let cars pass as soon as the Walk sign appears. In London, however, pedestrians are lower on the food chain than ants. Seriously. So much as place a toe out into the street and say goodbye to your digit. You WILL get run down. Besides the whole getting used to looking the other way for traffic nonsense, there’s no stepping off the curb in London to get a head start on crossing the street. Cars DON’T slow down. They speed up. Buses, cabs, bicycles, you name it. Crossing a busy street in London is like trying to play Level 20 in Frogger…you’re inches away from being road kill. In NYC, you have a better chance because cars will at least swerve to avoid you once in a while. But in London, fughetaboutit. Even as a brazen New Yorker who will cross in the most adverse conditions I kept my feet planted on the curb in London.

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If you’re confused by the signs, don’t step off the curb in London

This just in…I found out through a friend there are indeed fat people in London. Found out they live in the South somewhere away from the fashion-centric inner city. They just take the roomier commuter trains and avoid the Tube at all costs. Whew…glad to know not everyone out there is a stick figure.

There’s plenty more fun stories coming your way, including a bar fight between a 300 pound Russian and a 150 pound Indian so stay tuned!

Signs, signs, everywhere signs February 27, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, signs.
7 comments

So we’ve all seen these types of photos before. Signs that have been manipulated to put out a comical twist on traditional “out-of-home” advertising (I’ll take useless media knowledge for $200 please).

Anyway, came across this site called Dribbleglass.com and they have all sorts of funny “photoshopped” images with billboards, signs and the like. Definitely check out the site if you get a moment…some good stuff. Here are some of my favorites…