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Wacky Wednesday October 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, politics, random references, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, subways, weird.
109 comments

So on the subway this morning this guy sits next to me and starts reading the Post. He pulls out a carrot and starts chomping on it. Like, a full grown carrot, complete with brown spots and everything. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and it took him like 30 seconds just to chew and digest each bite before he’d chomp into the next bite.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone just start chewing on a carrot like that in the city…let alone on the subway. Most citiers get those presliced carrots…or they wash the carrots they buy and maybe peel off the outer layer. But this guy was chomping through, dirt and all.

Then on my way into my building I’m walking behind this woman who is obviously having a tough morning. She’s juggling her two bags, laptop and cup of starbucks and pretty much holding up pedestrian traffic. Oh and she’s also on the phone, one of those ear piece thingys. Anyway I overhear her say “yeah, it sucks, my space bar isn’t working…i mean how can you not have spaces. It’s like an important key. It’s not like an A or something”.

Iknowthespacebarisaveryimportantkeyandallbutseriously,isitmoreimportant
tobemissingspacesorisitmoreimportanttobemissingthelettera?

But of all letters she chose to call out, why the letter A? Don’t the vst mjority of the words we use contin the letter A? (3 A’s would have been used in that sentence alone!) Why didn’t she just say it’s not an important key, like the F11 button. Or the letter Z. Or any of those useless keyboard keys, like Pause/Break or Windows Start?

So I’m dedicating today’s blog post to the letter A.

A is in, asshole why don’t you think before you speak next time.

In other breaking news, a “coon” is running for president.

Now WAIT…before you go running off calling me racist and think I’m talking shit about Obama…I’m talking about a raccoon. As in the animal.


Can a raccoon be our next president?

It’s true. A raccoon by the name of “Key Coon” has already been endorsed by several influential bloggers, including one of our favorites, Laurie Kendrick.

In fact, early polls out of “Coonecticut” indicate that Key Coon has 68% of the popular vote, due to the fact that he has campaigned hard through the “Coonstitution State”.

Here at WhatPushesMyButtons, we have held back from declaring our support to any of the candidates for the ’08 election. But hopefully KeyCoon will be here to answer some very important questions our readers have in mind, like:

Would KeyCoon promote the growth of coontinuing education among today’s workers?

Could KeyCoon gain coontrol of the senate and the house?

What are KeyCoon’s plans to ease urban coongestion?

If he can answer those questions in a positive light, we may have no choice but to throw our support behind KeyCoon, who has unofficially been labeled, “The People’s Coon”.

And for those who have questions about the KeyCoon sex scandal, hopefully KeyCoon can address the issues upfront and honestly. Last thing we need is another president with a love of cigars and interns.


Can Keycoon overcome the sex scandals and make a run for presidency?

So go over to KeyCoon headquarters and let him know what your thoughts are about his run for presidency and stay tuned for more answers for your questions on his coongenda.

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My own empire August 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, fashion, sex, travel.
13 comments

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night

I laughed of course being that’s my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!

So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there’s also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!

It’s crazy. And since it’s a European based company they definitely use sex to sell “my product”. Take a look at these hot ‘adverts’:

I’m thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.


My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it’s all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this “imposture” is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I’ll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she’s gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette…or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: “Money is like manure, it should be spread around.”

Of course it was a quick birth August 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, celebrities, critique, current events, opinion, sarcasm, sex, world news.
20 comments

Ok…so as many already know the well famed Duggar family of Arkansas recently welcomed their 17th child into this world. The child, Jennifer Danielle, became the 18th J named member of the Duggar clan (counting Jim Bob, the father).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070803/ap_on_fe_st/17_kids;_ylt=AjNyu7n7mYmX65zF0ZRJCVbtiBIF

Now, you already know how I feel about this family based on a previous post. So needless to say I’m pretty impartial about the family values that the Duggar clan employs. While I’m not here to judge, I think it does smack of a religious cult, and many of you have agreed with me on that fact.

Since the Duggar’s have no plan of stopping, I guess there’s nothing to do but sit back and just watch the family grow like some unwanted weeds.

I think the funniest part of the recent birth was the mother, Michelle (who is the only non J-named person in the family) who said quote: “It actually went fast…I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes.”

Gee…I wonder why the birth went so fast? Could it be that your birth canal is well accustomed to passing through children at this point. I mean it’s like a fuckin slip n slide right now. The fetus forms, waits a few months, sees the light and then just slides right out.


Re-enactment of Duggar clan birth

I’m not even gonna ask how sex is like. How can there be any traction on the tires at this point? Some of you have broken out the Stewie Griffin “it’s like throwing a pencil down the hallway” line. Either way, good ole Jim Bob must be hung like a horse to fit in.

Michelle’s been pregnant about 10 1/2 years of her life already and she’s birthed 18 children. Although she’s got a ton of work to do if she wants to catch the world record. According to several sources:

“The greatest number of children produced by a mother in an independently attested case is 69 by the first wife of Fyodor Vassilet (1816-72) a peasant of the Moscow Jurisdiction, Russia, who in 27 confinements, gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets. Most of the children attained their majority. Mme. Vassilet became so renowned that she was presented at the court of Czar Alexander II.”

So to reach this magic “69” number (ironic isn’t it), she would have to have another 52 children! If that’s her ambition she needs to start spitting out some quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets and even octuplets. Better start taking some fertility pills Michelle…because what’s the sense of having 20 something children if it’s not even close to being a record.

Books of Enrichment June 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, critique, eating, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, weird.
34 comments

Before I lead you to some reading material that will undoubtedly enrich your mind (and other body parts), I’m taking the elevator up to work this am and these two white guys get on. They start talking about Kobayashi and how he can’t compete because of his hurt jaw. They called him a pussy and said what did he, pull his ACL or something.

Listen jackass. A competitive eater kinda needs his/her jaw to compete, don’cha think? So it is like pulling an ACL. Why don’t you think before you speak you fuckin moron. You know what, let me punch you in the jaw a few times and let me see how good you do trying to eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Asshole.

Anyway, saw this list of recommended reading material (ok maybe it wasn’t as much recommended as it was listed) over at RationReality.com. Pretty good stuff. This list of books include:

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners

White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities
• How to improve your drunk-driving skills
• Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family

There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers:

• I’m getting married; can I still wear white if I’m a tramp?
• Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?
• How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One

The ultimate in safe sex — self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you’ve ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality. Packed with photos, advice, stories and training tips by men who know what they’re doing!

Forgive the hype: this is also a serious examination of the history (through a variety of reports) and application of self-performed oral sex. It’s both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics.

Other notable books on the list include:
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
Forensics for Dummies

Good stuff! And you can buy all these books on Amazon.com! Although the whole “Art of Auto-Fellatio thing” i’m not so sure about. I lack the inner-core strength needed to bend completely over. Plus I’m not too sure about giving myself “fellatio”. I kinda think Rosie Palm and her five friends would get a little jealous. Although maybe if I got really really drunk one night and my hands fell asleep or weren’t working right then I’d consider trying to go down on myself if I needed to fulfill an urge.

Wait. WHAT AM I SAYING??? I know there’s that saying oh, if you could give yourself a blow job you’d never need a girl or never leave the house or something to that effect. But when you think about it would you really do it? I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes. What happens when it’s time to cum??? Do you let it fly or do you swallow? Didn’t think about that one did you? And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go “suck a dick” would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?

Yeah…so needless to say I won’t be sucking my own dick until these questions are answered. If someone buys the book feel free to let me know if any of those questions are addressed please. Enquiring minds want to know!

Drunk Monkeys June 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, funny, humor, sarcasm, sex, television, video.
10 comments

Yep…the title sort of says it all. Go to the link below or visit the blogger version of this site to view the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBw-actpemc

Funny that this appeared on Animal Planet…although must have been in their “adult primate” block…you know that riske programming they air from 2-3am when people have stopped searching for softcore porn on skinamax and stumble across “those chance for animal porn” channels like Animal Planet and Discovery Channel. Nothing like seeing 2 horses mounting each other to get you in the mood to bust out the KY and roll of paper towels!

Out of it June 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, breakfast, coffee, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, weird.
25 comments

I’m completely out of it. Once again I blame the humidity. This morning walking over to the train we passed this pimped out yellow Corvette. I barely even noticed it when Bridget said “that’s hysterical”. As I walked by I noticed that emblazened on the windshield in graffiti type lettering it said “Mr. Cock”. After twenty steps or so Bridget was like “You’re not gonna take a picture of that?” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. Maybe I was still sleeping. But seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been all over that this am. Like, that writing was kind of big, maybe he’s a BIG Cock. Or maybe he should change his name to Mr. Blank A Doodle Doo. But nothing.

But I’m not the only one struggling this morning. Most people couldn’t even make it up the subway stairs at 33rd street. Everyone is moving in slow motion. I swear I almost had to pick the guy up in front of me and carry him up the stairs. You know people are struggling when the line at Starbucks is 3 times as long as it normally is. I went to get an Iced Latte in hopes it would jolt me, but the line was ridiculous. At least 50 people long. Fuck that. I went and got Naked instead.

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Yes…with “a pound of fruit in every bottle” who needs coffee? With heart healthy omega-3’s and over 1,000 mg of potassium i’m rejuvenated and ready to roll. It also contains 570 mg of something called Red Algae in it. Actually on the side of the bottle they refer to it as “red sea algae”.

I did some research and lo and behold “Red algae is marketed to treat candida, herpes simplex virus and other chronic ailments”. It’s also the same algae that helps make the Red Sea red. Huh. Who knew.

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Is this a worker from Naked collecting red sea algae?

But I’m glad that by drinking the stuff I’ll be reducing my risks of genital herpes and yeast infections. Cause lord knows there’s nothing worse than a yeast infection. Can’t have that bitter beer taste in your mouth.

Ok…wait…so that came out completely wrong. I was trying to make a joke about beer and the yeast in it and how if you drink bad beer you could get a “yeast infection”. But y’all are gonna think I was talking about performing oral on a girl that has a yeast infection and that would give you a bitter taste in your mouth.

Ok…on that note…I think I’m gonna lay low for a while. I’ll be back once everyone is done throwing up all over their keyboard.

Something for Everyone June 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, breakfast, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, fashion, food, funny, humor, lunch, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, politics, restaurant, sarcasm, sex, world news.
22 comments

So it’s a beautiful Friday…although some of y’all have already headed out to the Jersey Shore or the Hamptons for the weekend. But for us poor folk who don’t hobnob with the masses, it’s time to find the little things that can make us happy this weekend. Like watching nannies show off their thongs in the park

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(picture courtesy of I Saw Your Nanny and Metadish.com)

I mean…jesus christ. How do you NOT know your pants are under your ass? Don’t feel the cold breeze coming in?

Although I don’t know who’s more at fault…the nanny for showing off her thong to the world or the perverted (i.e. smart) person who snapped her picture. Let the debate begin!

On the less “sexy” side of the news, for those who are avid SPAM eaters (and who Isn’t!) you’ll be happy to know that SPAM is causing a fast food war in Hawaii. (click on pic for article)

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According to the article: “Burger King is offering the Spam Platter — two slices of Spam nestled between white rice and scrambled eggs. The fast-food giant also offers the Croissanwich or Biscuit Sandwich with Spam.”

Good stuff. Although I tend to think I’d go for more of the “SpamMcMuffin” rather than the Spam and Rice platter. But that’s just me!

The article also mentions these fun facts:

“Hawaii residents consume more than 5 million pounds of Spam a year, an average of about six cans for every man, woman and child.”

“Spam ‘musubi’ — a slice of Spam atop a block of rice and wrapped in seaweed — is an island favorite sold at nearly every convenience store, including 7-Eleven. Spam fried rice is a local classic.”

“There are also more varieties of Spam sold in Hawaii than anywhere else. There’s Spam Garlic, Spam Bacon, Spam with Cheese, Spam with Tabasco, Spam Turkey and Spam Lite, which featured less sodium and less fat.”

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SPAM Musubi

Spam Lite. Nice. So that only has 800mg of Sodium and 35g of Fat per serving. Good to know.

Next time I go to Nobu I’m gonna insist they serve me some SPAM Musubi. If not I’m taking my Sake and leaving!

Btw…I still have that packet of SPAM on my desk. I can’t eat it until we win the SPAM business. Good thing the packet doesn’t expire until April 2009! Then again I thought SPAM never went bad. Hmm…

In other, other news…apparently there’s a new code for business attire in the middle east. Suits and dress clothing have been replaced with fatigues, masks and guns.

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New office attire announced in Gaza

About damn time. That would be perfect in my office since we have plenty of guns and camo lying around. Don’t know how well the whole mask/covered face thing would go over…but I guess we’ll find out!

What ever happened to Eight is Enough??? June 13, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, common sense, critique, current events, opinion, photos, pictures, religion, sex, stupidity, television, weird, world news.
53 comments

I was skimming across People magazine the other day and saw this article about the Duggar family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are 40 year old parents who live in Arkansas. (Jim Bob is a real estate agent). You would think they were the average family, living the average American life.

Your guess would be that they have 3, 4, maybe 5 kids right?

Nah, keep going.

6, 7?

Nope.

9, 10?

You’ll need more than 2 hands.

12, 13???

Ha…not there yet.

15???

Close…but no cigar.

Let’s try 16 kids…with a 17th on the way!!!!!! (go to the blogger version of this site to see a bigger picture)

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The Duggar clan

17 fuckin kids!!! The oldest is 19 years old. Two sets of twins.

According to the family, after the birth of child #1 they “thought we’d leave the decision about how many children to have up to God”.

Smart move.

While I’m not one to judge them for populating this world, I can criticize them in the naming of their children. They named all their children with the letter J. I hate when people do that. Its bad enough when you do that with three or four children. But 17??? What the fuck?

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and to be born Jennifer Danielle.

Throw in Jim Bob as the dad and that’s 18 people in the family with the letter J. Why doesn’t the wife just change her name from Michelle to something with a J? Make it a clean fuckin sweep. Or did they use up all the J names already?

According to the mother she wants even more!! Good move. Why don’t you just populate the entire town while you’re at it. I mean at this point, once your children start having children you know damn well incest is gonna run rapid.

Scene: county fairgrounds. behind the bleachers. teenage boy and girl about to make out.

Girl: wait…before we do this, are you a Duggar by any chance???

Boy: why yes I am. What bout’ you?

Girl: I am Tooo!

Commence making out.

End Scene.

The family even has their own website, Duggar Family.com and are celebrities thanks to numerous appearances on TV. They even have their own show on the Discovery Health Channel.

Listen people…let’s not encourage them. Let’s not celebrate this as a “glorious gift from God”. I happen to think this is child imprisonment at its highest. Don’t believe me. Look at this picture:

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Every Duggar child “has” to start on violin at age 4. Does anyone else see something fucked up in that? I mean I know you have to teach them to do chores around the house at a young age, like laundry, cook, clean etc, especially when you have a family that big. But forcing them to play an instrument? Why not just let them pick it up and play when they’re curious about it?

Look at the faces on some of the children. They don’t look too thrilled to be playing do they??? I mean, isn’t that basically a form of child abuse by forcing them to do things they necessarily don’t want to do? No? Am I totally off base here?

Celebrate them if you’d like. Praise them for populating the world with “god’s greatest gift”. I’m sure they’re good, honest people just trying to find joy in their lives. But what concerns me is the mental state of their children. How can you possible give love, affection and attention to 17 children!!! You can’t. You know damn well some of those children will grow up to have serious mental problems based on neglect or from constantly being in the media spotlight. You can see it in their faces already. Some of the younger children look scared shitless in that picture. Like if they didn’t pick up the violin they’d be beaten with a wire hanger.

I’m not accusing them of abusing their children physically, but mentally how can they not be??? It’s bad enough a family of 3 or 4 has to deal with middle child syndrome. What about a family of 17?

Things that make you go hmm…. May 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, common sense, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, signs, travel, weird.
29 comments

So Juliana sent me this link yesterday to a picture posted in a Belgium playground.

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Innocent enough playground description right? Children holding hands. Playing on swings. Fucking each other up the ass.

I guess that’s what they call the Belgium Dip? I mean really though…I know sexual rules are less stringent in Europe than they are here but starting at the playground…that’s a bit too early, no? You can say, oh, they’re just describing a wheelbarrow game. But honestly, how close do you get to the person who’s legs you’re holding during the wheelbarrow? Close enough to have your dick in their ass? I think not. You’re holding by the ankles…maybe the calves. Unless you’re hung like Ron Jeremy I don’t think you’re getting close enough to penetration. Could you see this picture in an American playground? Bad enough kids are having sex starting at 13 these days. Don’t need to be giving them new positions to try out!

Anyway…it reminded me that I forgot to share a few silly pictures from my London adventures with y’all. Oops. Here’s some more pictures/signs that will hopefully make you laugh a little on this “hump” day (Wednesday is often called “hump” day since it falls in the middle of the week – for those a little slow on the uptake).

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Nothing says entertaining your guests like a little “cockfighting”

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Remember, people with chlamydia feel healthy, just like you do!

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Take me to Cockfosters, pronto!

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Taken in a London “loo”…”Sir, would you care for a hot towel, mint, condom?”

Pump it Up May 9, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in brooklyn, comedy, critique, fashion, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, sarcasm, sex, subways.
22 comments

So taking the subway back from my mom’s house in Brooklyn late last night I spotted something I hadn’t seen in a while. No, not someone taking a piss on the train (although come to think of it I haven’t seen that in a good few months). I saw a pair of Reebok pumps. You know the old school pumps that were all the rage back in the day.

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I spy a pair of Reebok Pumps

The guy wearing them was a tall white guy who looked like a cross between Randy Johnson and Tom Hanks, complete with the Randy Johnson half mullet. There was also a lady on the train who looked like Hedda Nussbaum, without the bruises all over her face (ouch – although I think that reference is wayyyy too random for mostly anyone…but me of course!)

Anyway this guy was also wearing some highwater acid washed blue jeans so he obviously just stepped out of 1987. The only thing that could have made him a man of the “double zeros” is some Jovan Sex Appeal!

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For those guys who weren’t born with “sex appeal”

Cause you know nothing says “sex appeal” like some good ole Jovan Musk. I love the line: “This provocative, stimulating blend of rare spices and herbs was created by man for the sole purpose of attracting woman. At will.”

Rare spices and herbs. Nice…cause you know I’ve also wanted to smell like ground cumin mixed with oregano and lilacs. Come to think of it, I think I threw away every bottle of Jovan Musk I’ve ever gotten as a present. Or used it to ward off those imaginary vampires I battled as a child. I mean for christ’s sake, was that the only cologne that was produced in the 80s? (Along with Stetson for Men or Brut of course). Seriously, the shit smelled like formaldehyde. I think funeral directors used it to embalm corpses. No joke.

I saw this bottle of Jovan Musk “Sex Appeal” at Walmart last weekend – which explains everything of course – because nothing says upscale cologne like a cologne sold at Wal-Mart. I resisted putting on some Sex Appeal lest I want to be followed around Wal-Mart by some lady named Betsy with bad teeth. And wouldn’t you know…right next to the Jovan Musk on the Wal-Mart shelf was – you guessed it – Stetson.

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Stetson Black – Finally you too can smell like a mixture of wilting catcus and three day old chewin tobacco

Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the Wal-Mart cracks and the knocks against Stetson and Jovan Musk. I know there’s millions of guys out there who unfortunately wear the shit. Plus last I checked I wasn’t on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and therefore don’t qualify to make fun of Rednecks. Although I give Wal-Mart some props – the store does have some damn good values. Mmm…hmm…that’s right child.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy day today as I cram in some last second projects before heading off to London on Thursday night. And suddenly today has become meeting day which hasn’t really helped matters much. In fact off to another 2 hour one right now. Great…thanks Milton. Don’t they know I’m busy. I have a meeting with the Bobs’.

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