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Big Pimpin’ October 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, celebrities, current events, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, prostitutes, random references, sarcasm, television, weird, world news.

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.

Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: “If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?”.

I love the quote from Lipton: “We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say.”

What they didn’t tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a “Well played Mr. Lipton”.

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed?

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton looks at his index card, takes a puff of a pipe, and glances up, admiring said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: “If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be?”

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: “I would be a beav-ah… Monsieur”.

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) “Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played.”

End scene.

Obviously if you’ve never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won’t find any of this funny. If you haven’t seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations evernull

Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.

Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!


The Beavers are coming February 23, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, beavers, food, humor, muppets, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, prostitutes, random references, rats, restaurant, television, top blog candidate, world news.

So apparently the 1st “beaver” was spotted in NYC in over 200 years. The beaver was spotted in the Bronx. Here’s the article:

Although I’m sure they’ll later find out that the said beaver was actually a shriveled up prostitute from Hunts Point who got dumped in the river. Hey oh! Its funny though, since they are trying to develop the South Bronx (SoBo) into the next trendy area – redoing warehouses into condos and fixing up some of the crack houses. Although it’s putting the squeeze on hunts point prostitutes since the area is trying to be “gentrified” with “types of people” who aren’t out to get them some poontang.

Here’s a quote from the article: “…beaver populations are expanding, and their habitats are shrinking,” said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. “We’re probably going to see more of them in the future.”

Although I guess the good news for the “beavers” is that having the South Bronx developed and gentrified is opening up a new clientele to those “beavers” who sell their wares in Hunts Point, especially the ones who have been featured on HBO’s special “Hookers and Johns”.

Beavers looking for work in the South Bronx

Wait. Am I confused? What? It was an actual beaver they spotted? Like the animal? Oh…oops. Well good luck to those beavers as well. Most of the union construction jobs have already been taken.

Speaking of union jobs it seems that rats these days are trying to get in on the action (I mean why should they be denied umemployment when most illegal aliens get employed too). It appears a gang of rats infiltrated a Taco Bell/KFC this am before the store opened “looking for work”.

Read the story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_fe_st/restaurant_rats

Rat looking to bus tables

Its a good thing these rats weren’t trying to gain employment at a chinese restaurant…hey oh!

I won’t finish the punch line if you’re looking for one.

Anyway, rats have long been hard workers, mining our subways tunnels for centuries. They’ve also held memorable jobs in the restaurant industry before! In fact, who can forget the vital role rats played in the movie Muppets take Manhattan?? Rizzo the rat got himself and his friends a job in the kitchen at the diner and they saved the damn place. Even futher, his girlfriend Yolanda was the first female rat to gain a part in a movie and quite honestly was more attractive in her waitress role than most other human waitresses. Don’t believe me…compare Yolando to Flo from Mel’s Diner and you be the judge:

Yolanda lookin good in the kitchen

Flo from Mel’s Diner

The rats went beyond the kitchen, exposing themselves to great danger when they went undercover to perform a “whispering campaign” for Kermit’s Manhattan Melodies at Sardi’s. They were swatted at, stomped on and thrown to the curb. Definitely broke all sorts of animal rights violations on the set. Did you hear them complain though? Not a peep. Maybe more workers should learn from rats and just do their jobs and not complain. Then maybe we’d have a more productive workforce in this country!

MeatLoaf and FlapJacks July 19, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in food, funny, humor, music, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, prostitutes, restaurant, weird.

No…it’s not the new breakfast deal at Denny’s (although that would add a little variation to the Grand Slam menu wouldn’t it?? Hmm…). Anyway, some weird things have been happening recently around us. Weird people floating around (Bridget has some doozy stories for you if you see her – including one of a prostitute walking around the street saying…”You Suck…You Suck Dick” and asking the newspaper vendor for 50 cent to buy a water. The other story was about a fight in 7-11 between an Asian and an African American woman and who cut who in line. The fight also involved a cheeseburger for breakfast (and it WASN’T who you thought would be buying the cheeseburger!).

Well last night on the way to the Yankees’ game – we thankfully left early before the rain came – we were walking past the projects on the corner of 101 and 2nd and heard music blasting from one of the apartments. Pretty typical, except this wasn’t rap, or R&B, or Latin…it was MeatLoaf. Yes, MeatLoaf. And it wasn’t Paradise by the Dashboard Lights or something rock oriented. It was “I would do anything for love”. TOTALLY out of place in the projects. I said whoever was listening was hopefully practicing for a dance recital. If not if they started letting white people move into the projects I’m getting the hell out of the neighborhood asap. Don’t want no white folk in my projects. So anyway, no more than 3 minutes later we’re on 102nd between 2nd and 3rd and I had looked down at something on the sidewalk and no sooner did I look up did I see these pair of Flapjacks walking towards us. Nope, wasn’t the IHOP mascot. These huge C to D cup breasts that were being “mildy restrained” by a mesh top. No Bra. Just hanging out in the open. Bridget’s chin practically hit the ground in shock and my head moved back and to the left (Seinfeld/JFK reference). I guess it shouldn’t surprise us to see that, but I guess it was very unexpected at 6 o’clock in the evening.

Anyway so there’s been some weird things and people going around. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the new millenia. Either way at least it’s provided some good stories to tell.

"Comp" Town May 22, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, prostitutes, random references, restaurant, sports, top blog candidate.

First I’d like to say a thanks to everyone who braved the crowds at Snitch Bar on Friday night to come out for drinks…I know the ripped couches, “limited” open bar and water dripping from the ceiling wasn’t for everyone, (especially Bridget :), but thank you for making it a fun evening.

So like a high roller in AC or a call girl on the Vegas strip, this ended up being a weekend of comps for me. First was the Friday night drink special at Snitch where I drank for free. Then when we went to Jake’s Saloon on 23rd and 7th (great place btw, one of my favs for atmosphere and food), Bridget befriended Jimmy the owner, who proceeded to give us a free round of shots and some birthday tiramasu. Then on Saturday night having dinner at The Stadium in Garrison, New York (a mecca of sports memorabilia for those who haven’t been) we had made a loose reservation for 8pm for 4 (with Paul and AnnMarie). Well the hostess was completely overwhelmed and couldn’t accomodate us with a table so we willingly sat at the bar. I guess the owner felt bad that they couldn’t honor our “reservation”, even though we had no qualms about sitting at the bar, and gave us free appetizers and drinks. Big score right there. Then on Sunday night Bridget & I cleaned up at Super Stop & Shop in Yonkers, savings $60 on groceries. So not a bad weekend at all as far as Comps are concerned.

Anyway, on to some of the funnier observations from the weekend. Sitting at the aforementioned Stadium in a glass enclosure at the bar was a pair of old school Patrick Ewing sneakers. I’m pretty sure I had a pair when I was younger. You know the kind of sneaker that was 2 for $20 at Payless. It wasn’t Reebok, Nike, Brooks, Adidas, Nucleus, Puma or whatever kids wore back in the 80s/90s. It was a white sneaker with orange and blue piping and a 33 in orange on the back of the sneaker. It was a super high top, the tongue coming half way up your calf, and had a big Ewing/New York Knicks logo on the tongue. It also came with a detachable mop to wipe up the sweat that drips from your brow like Patrick Ewing at the foul line (for those who don’t know that reference, do a google search on Patrick Ewing and sweating at the foul line, you’ll find plenty of articles about that). Anyway, so i’m sure i had that exact pair…which is funny because had I just had them autographed by Ewing, they would be worthy enough to display in a glass enclosed case at a sports bar while someone dripped buffalo wing sauce from their mouth all over the glass display.

Second observation, why are there so many Hasidic Jews at Woodbury Commons? Did I miss something here? Did they make a Goyum Gap? Goys R’ Us? Last I checked there wasn’t a store that only sold long black ankle length skirts or only black top hats. I know some of them may be “reformed” but really, they don’t sell designer talis at Gucci (those long shawls jews wear with the tassels on the end for those who are not up to speed on the Jewish lingo flying around right now). There’s no hair salon that speciailizes in Hasidic curl extensions, is there? Unless these Hasidim are planning to add some color into their wardrobes I find their presence at the outlet stores just weirdly bizarre. Although they could be there to buy cheap sheets in bulk since you know they have to have sex through them and all.

Observation three, all the Asian men trying out handbags at Gucci, Dooney & Bourke, Tod’s, etc. Bridget actually made that observation. I know there’s “man bags” but do men really walk around clutching little “wristlets” during business lunches? When’s the last time you saw a man with a knock off, Chinatown Gucci bag draped under one arm with a briefcase in another. I mean I know I get a lot of slack for making “gay” comments on this blog with my knowledge of American Idol and other references, but not once I have carried anything remotely similiar to a pocketbook around with me. If it’s true that Asian influence is taking over here and abroad, anyone not living in a Metrosexual city like NY is in a heap of trouble. Can you see a southener going on a hot date with his cousin in a 57 Chevy shoving his hand gun and pouch of tobacco into a palm sized Fendi bag? Yeah, didn’t think so. So if someone can shed some light on this new phenomenon for me that would be greatly appreciated.

That’s all the news for now. Until next time America…