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My Big Fat Greek New Year’s January 4, 2008

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in dancing, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, restaurant, video.
7 comments

Firstly happy New Year’s too all! Hope the holiday season treated you all well.

My New Year’s Eve was very entertaining. The night started with some drinks and appetizers and led to a restaurant in Astoria (which I hold off from mentioning in case they decide to send us a bill). Let’s just say (without naming names) that three out of the six of us got a little sick (not me) in the restaurant bathroom, leading two out of the six to leave the restaurant shortly after appetizers arrived.

Anyway, sparing you all of the sickly details, the rest of the evening was actually pretty entertaining, despite the fact that we knew no one else in the restaurant and apparently everyone else there knew each other or knew the waitresses and owners. So it basically felt like we were crashing someone’s wedding, especially since most patrons were dressed in suits and dresses (and we were their white trash cousins dressed in sweaters and jeans). There was live music with an acoustic guitar duo singing traditional Greek folk songs and eventually some of the restaurant patrons started dancing to said traditional Greek folk songs which led to more Greek traditions. But before I get into that let me just rave about the food for a moment.

The food was exceptional and arrived in droves. A greek salad arrived alongside shrimp that was placed in a phyllo pastry puff, a plate of grilled sausage and marinated meatballs. Unfortunately it was already 10:30pm by the time apps had arrived and we wouldn’t see our main courses until well after midnight.

Like 45 minutes after midnight.

However despite our stomachs on revolt and the novelty of making noise with party favors wore off, the main courses didn’t disappoint. We were treated to lamb, shrimp and steak. Being that this was authentic greek, I went straight for the lamb which was tender and juicy. Forgoing knife and fork, I grabbed said chop in my grubby paws and went to town (my apologies for the shitty pics my camera phone took).


Lamb


Steak

Shortly after stuffing our face with meaty goodness out came the dessert. Needless to say I was all over the baklava.

During dinner and dessert is when the dancing started. It was entertaining watching everyone dance around in circles, with their arms held high snapping their fingers.

But then the most unexpected thing happened (which I later found out was another Greek tradition). Some of the men in the restaurant started making it rain (the clip above and the two below are videos – click to play).


I found out that throwing money around is a way to garner wealth and prosperity in the coming year.

Granted these guys were only throwing wads of singles in the air, but by the time we were ready to leave there had to be a few hundred dollars worth of singles on the floor.

Crazy times. Those greeks know how to party!

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Jaws of Life December 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, subways.
18 comments

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph


Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

Friday Randomness November 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, funny, muppets, new york city, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, video.
9 comments

So did you guys hear about this…did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah…apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.


Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I’m a bit hungover so you’ll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I’d share with y’all some videos that I’ve taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it…well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:


This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world’s tallest banana. (yep…i’ll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here’s some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That’s all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

Attention Holiday Shoppers November 29, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm.
9 comments

Consumers: Be aware of pickpocketers this holiday season.

Employers: Be aware of employees this holiday season.

Funny how I was walking behind this guy the other day with this Loss Prevention jacket and a shopping bag. I mean, call it irony right? Of course I’m sure he was just taking home some merchandise he purchased at the store. But hey, you never know right? But why would he wear that jacket out on the street like that?

Personally I know no one will fuck with my shit this holiday season or in general.

Why?

I have a nice grizzly watching over my stuff:

Try stealing my stapler now bitch. Have a bear bite your hand off. See how that feels.

I’m from Hollywood…Florida??? November 14, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, asshole of the day, critique, current events, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, stupidity.
10 comments

So probably 0.0000001% of you saw this today (well yesterday by the time this post goes up in WordPress land), but thousands of cranky NYC commuters did. On page 6 of AM New York (too bad it wasn’t the “other page six”) I was quoted in the “Sound Off” area of the paper.

My quote was my response to the feeding the pigeon ban fiasco as reported here on Monday. I was engaged in a heated debate on the AM New York site about the ban and seemed to be the only one in favor of it.

In the message board I was called “an animal hater” and basically told to go to hell by some pigeon fucking assholes.

But nonetheless, in plain print was my opinion on the matter:

If you want to see the paper in its entirety you can view it here: http://www.amny.com/media/acrobat/2007-11/23136028.pdf

Now, I’m definitely honored that they would select my quote to appear in the newspaper. I haven’t been quoted in a newspaper since my college days, and that’s when I was quoted as saying Marv Albert was my role model just a few days before he was found biting prostitutes in the back. So this ink was decidely much more positive.

Actually my full quote on the site was: “I wholeheartedly agree with the ban. If you grew up in any part of the city you know that by and large pigeons are for the most part pests. Their shit literally rots away our bridges and buildings. They don’t contribute anything to the city. They’re not pretty and “bird watchable” by any means. Anyone feeding a pigeon should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Perhaps their punishment should be having a gang of pigeons shitting in their house for a week and we’ll see how they like it.”

So AM New York did some censorship on my behalf. But whatever. These days you can’t even print the word shit without the Federal Cocksucking Commission coming down on you. But to see what the discussion forum was where they grabbed my quote, you can view it here: http://www.topix.net/forum/source/am-new-york/TPG285OEGMQ7RGO4F.

It’s definitely worth a laugh seeing how stupid these pigeon fuckers are. Especially this douchebag Adam quoted besides me in the paper. Does his quote even make sense? Seriously. “Does anyone even know the price of gas? Anyone know what the implications are?”. What the fuck does that have to do with eliminating pigeon shit asshole? Way to make a complete asshole out of yourself. If this was a debate I would have wiped the floor with him.

Anyway, what pissed me off was the quote said I lived in Hollywood, Florida. I mean I’m not knocking Hollywood, FL. I’m sure it’s a lovely community of dinosaurs and retired Jews from up north.

I mean, it’s on the ocean. It has its own government. And its welcome sign is a lot nicer than that shitty sign that greets you out in the “other Hollywood”:

You sit there and tell me that sign is not nicer than this piece of shit:

I rest my case.

But still, it was a little bizarre to see someone quoted on a NYC pigeon shitting problem from Hollywood, FL. I just about lost all my street cred with that one.

Thanks alot AM New York.

Finally a bill worth passing! November 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, brooklyn, common sense, current events, football, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, politics, sports, world news.
18 comments

Firstly…how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it’s well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.


A pigeon performing a “shit and run” in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a “pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city’s pigeon-related complaints”.

Now if the city had any brains at all they’d appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I’d effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I’d unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender’s house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I’d lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I’d “humanely execute” all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time….they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I’m the only one with these thoughts? Think again.

Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There’s countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the “heros” who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder’s proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let’s keep the damn pigeon population under control!

Are You ‘Shittin’ Me? November 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, common sense, current events, opinion, pedestrian behavior, stupidity, weird, world news.
17 comments

So thanks to John for this ‘scoop’ today.

Apparently there’s a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff’s office warning of a new drug called “Jenkem”.

This drug is “a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past”.

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), “the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995.”

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.

The Smoking Gun hasn’t found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. Actually it’s been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can’t really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn’t put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it’s doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

“Cult” of Personality October 31, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, football, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sports, travel.
14 comments

So I’m stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour’s Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I’m referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich’s bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.


The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game…which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.


The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn’t keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it’s one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont’cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the “human touch”, I really do. But let’s talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don’t run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite “The Stars at Night are Big and Bright…Deep in the Heart of Texas” gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.

It’s not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.

The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn’t capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.

There’s some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend…so stay tuned!

What’s this world coming to? October 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, common sense, critique, current events, fashion, humor, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, sarcasm, world news.
35 comments

Seriously…first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn’t bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn’t get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would’ve gotten called names, like “frumpy-ass” or “not dressed so well kid” or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don’t ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi’s vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci’s.

Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.

I don’t remember any kid calling me “Skidmark” or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they’re social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn’t prevelant in my youth, but I don’t think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it’s fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditioning once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of ‘erect’ nipple

Actually they’re the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok…on another note that’s far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude…if you’re a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don’t care if you have that gynowhatever…if you’re gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok…i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

Big Pimpin’ October 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, celebrities, current events, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, prostitutes, random references, sarcasm, television, weird, world news.
26 comments

So got a bit of a shocker just a while ago from John.

Our beloved James Lipton, host of the venerable Inside the Actors Studio, was apparently a pimp earlier in his career.

Now, watching him on TV he is very calculating and reserved. Not qualities you would expect from a pimp.

Actually the news was suprising to all, especially Tony Soprano himself. James Gandolfini was unofficially quoted saying during a taping of Inside the Actors Studio: “If I knew he waz a pimp, I woulda cast him in da show. Capice?”.

I love the quote from Lipton: “We were earning our living together, this young woman and I, we made a rather good living, I must say.”

What they didn’t tell you was he followed that with a hearty laugh and a “Well played Mr. Lipton”.

I wonder if he had index cards for all of the prostitutes he pimped out and interviewed?

Imagine the scene.

Faux Inside the Actors Studio (a cheap run down flat outside of Paris). Dark room, lit by only one lightbulb hanging precariously from the ceiling. Mr. Lipton in a big leather chair sitting across from a young prostitute. Mr. Lipton looks at his index card, takes a puff of a pipe, and glances up, admiring said prostitute.

After a long awkward pause, Mr Lipton says: “If your vagina could be an animal what animal would it be?”

The prostitute hesitates and answers in a french accent: “I would be a beav-ah… Monsieur”.

Lipton: (tilts his head back and laughs) “Ha-ha-ha, well played madame, well played.”

End scene.

Obviously if you’ve never seen his show, or the parody of his show on Saturday Night Live, you won’t find any of this funny. If you haven’t seen it, Will Farrell actually did one of the best James Lipton impersonations evernull

Pure comedic genius.

In other news:

Apparently Kid Rock got into a brawl at the Waffle House in Hot-lanta over the weekend.

Hopefully he paid for his fuckin waffles. Last time he stiffed me that prick!