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What’s this world coming to? October 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, common sense, critique, current events, fashion, humor, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, sarcasm, world news.
35 comments

Seriously…first we find out that some neanderthals used to be gingers!

It that wasn’t bad enough, now we find out that kids are being bullied in middle school for wearing certain fashion labels.

Good thing these meddling middle schoolers didn’t get a hold of me in college. All I wore were windpants and sweats and crummy t-shirts. I would’ve gotten called names, like “frumpy-ass” or “not dressed so well kid” or stuff like that. That would have been too much to handle for my psyche.

I mean what the fuck is up with these kids anyway. You can blame the fashion designers for targeting youth. When I was a child I don’t ever remember kids caring if you wore Levi’s vs. Jordache. Back then a Sergio Tacchini track suit was considered fashionable as was a pair of Z. Cavaricci’s.

Actually back in Junior High School I think all I wore were Skidz.

I don’t remember any kid calling me “Skidmark” or making fun of the hideous plaid design I wore on a nearly daily basis.

But regardless, these youth have way too much pressure on them these days. They have to look the part, act the part and be the part. If not, they’re social outcasts and basically are resigned to a life full of name calling and asskickings. Not that that wasn’t prevelant in my youth, but I don’t think the pressure is on youth as much as it is today to look good and act cool.

Anyway, it’s fuckin freezing in here today. It figures they fix the airconditioning once the temperature drops into the 60s. Great work building management. My fuckin nipples have cut through my polo shirt already.


Random picture of ‘erect’ nipple

Actually they’re the one typing this blog as we speak. Although the left nipple is having a tough time with the shift key. I guess I lack the opposable areola that is needed to type correctly.

Ok…on another note that’s far more disturbing, get a load of this:


Male with very severe gynecomastia

E-fucking-gads man! Dude…if you’re a man, at least cut your hair (your head hair not your chest hair). I don’t care if you have that gynowhatever…if you’re gonna have breasts at least pretty up the area around them. How the fuck is someone supposed to motorboat that? Seriously! And forget ever getting a job at Utah Flapjacks!

(ok…i think the nipples have done enough typing for the day)

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Wear it loud…wear it proud! October 11, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, baseball, brooklyn, fashion, humor, nintendo, nostaglia, opinion, random references, sports, video games.
20 comments

There’s a shirt I’ve been looking for recently after watching a documentary on the Brooklyn Dodgers. It’s an old “Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn” shirt. It had the Dodgers logo and was given to fans back in the 50s as a rallying cry to keep the Dodgers from moving from Brooklyn to L.A.

John found a replica of the shirt from this company called No Mas.

While it wasn’t the shirt I was looking for, it is based on an authentic shirt that fans used to wear back then:

Their website had a ton of other really random, cool t-shirts.

Here’s a few of them I personally love:

The Amazing Mess

Even though the shirt is referring to the 86 Mets, I think it’s quite appropriate given this year’s collapse!

Tecmo Bo

Who can forget Tecmo Bo and he unstoppable hijinks in Tecmo Bowl! If you need a reminder on how good Bo was in Tecmo Bowl, here’s a reminder for you (click to play).

Rated Rookie

Donruss’ Rated Rookie cards were a hot commodity back in the days. I know I jumped for joy when I found a McGwire rated rookie in a pack of Donruss.

For those who don’t remember what the cards looked like, here’s an example:

Btw, is it just me or does Greg Maddux look strikingly (get it – he’s a pitcher – strikingly – I’m a fuckin genius!) like Pedro in that picture?

Strawberry

Love the sarcasm of the whole “say no to drugs” and Strawberry angle. If only the picture had him AND Doc Gooden leaning against a “Coke” vending machine. Now that would be classic!

Although I think this picture would more exemplify a “Say No to Drugs” campaign!

And to think all three of those guys were the biggest stars in the heydays. How the mighty fall sometimes. Speaking of the mighty falling…received this candid picture of Jay Squirrel, Keywork’s opponent in the presidential race.

Return of the “Mac” September 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, nostaglia, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, video games.
13 comments

Ok, so technically it’s not return of ‘the’ Mac, but when I saw that the folks at Commodore are itching for a comeback, the Mark Morrison “Return of the Mac” song popped into my head.

Apparently Commodore is “resurrecting” itself in hopes to jump back into the PC gaming market.

http://www.stamfordadvocate.com/business/scn-sa-eyeonbiz1sep05,0,2648046.story?track=rss

Personally I hope they stay as low end as possible with their graphics. I know I’d much rather play some old school Dr. J vs Larry Bird then play some futuristic crap game like Halo.


It’s hard to top the graphics and game play of Dr. J vs Larry Bird for the Commodore

That and they should go old school with their computer processors too. I’m really sick of new age Windows crashing every other day or other problems that happen with our PC’s these days.


Side note: speaking of crashes. I saw this nasty accident the other day. Happened and unfolded right in front of my eyes. Traffic was stopped at a green light as a Firetruck was approaching the intersection with its lights on and sirens blaring. Everyone was still so the firetruck proceeded through the intersection. Suddenly this Escalade decides to make a dash for it and ends up getting T-boned by the fire truck that was accelerating. The Escalade did a few 360s and smashed into a telephone pole, with one of its tires ending up down the street. I took some pics of the carnage:

The driver of the firetruck suffered minor injuries as did the driver of the Escalade. As one of the few eyewitnesses I stayed behind and gave my testimony of the accident. It was pretty crazy to watch the whole thing unfold. The driver of the Escalade was a 21 year old, and had just got the car last week. Apparently he was on his cell phone and wasn’t paying attention.

Anyway, back in the olden days, the worst thing that could happen to you was your floppy disk broke. Otherwise, the computer was your canvas, and you could run scripts and draw designs at will (who could forget the old Turtle drawer or the old number formatting system. I spent hours as a child playing around with the old Turtle Logo drawer).

I’m probably the only one who longs for the olden days of video games. Then again you’re talking about a guy who would rather plug in his Nintendo rather than an XBox360.

More to come later…including why everyone is telling me they love my giant ‘peter’.

Some Like It Hot… August 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, eating, fashion, food, funny, lunch, music, new york city, nostaglia, politics, random references, subways.
16 comments

I like it not.

Seriously…it’s a wicked scorcher out there (as my friends from Beantown would say). This morning’s commute was ridiculous as none of the subways were running and the lines for the buses stretched longer than most lines for American Idol auditions. So being a crafty Harlemite, I walked my way up to the Metro North stop at 125th and hopped on a train coming downtown. Not only was it nice and airconditioned, I didn’t have to pay a dime. Although after walking 20 blocks to the Metro North in the swamp that they called air this morning, and after walking another 10 blocks to my office after the train ride, my shirt had stretched out beyond all belief. It looks more like a nightgown rather than a cotton polo shirt. Hence why lunch was eaten at my desk today courtesy of some leftover wonton shop, a peanut butter balance bar I got for free in a promotion yesterday and one of those pre-cooked and breaded Purdue Chicken Cutlets – eaten cold right out of the packaging.

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No need to heat these bad boys, just peel the plastic and eat!

Needless to say I’m less than satisfied…although I really don’t feel like venturing out into the heat at the moment. The country is baking right now…in fact just looked at the current weather map and there’s more red on the map than in Reagan’s 1984 presidential win over Mondale.


This might as well be the current weather map for the U.S.

Although I did manage to crack myself up earlier. After the pools of sweat were beginning to bead up on my arms, I started singing “Some Like it Hot” to myself. You know, that song by Power Station (later sung by Robert Palmer) back in the 80s.

Sing along with me now:

Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on…
Some feel the heat and decide that they can’t go on…
Some like it hot, but you can’t tell how hot ’til you try…
Some like it hot, so let’s turn up the heat ’til we fry

Feeeeeeeeeeel the heat.
Pushing you to decide (is that what they really said? huh, never knew that)

Feeeeeeeeel the heat.
Burning you up, ready or not.

She should have used the Princess August 7, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, stupidity, video games, world news.
18 comments

It’s nice to be back to civilization after traversing through the land of endless miles of cornfields yesterday (I had to take a trip through the hills of South Eastern Missouri/Southern Illinois on my way to the Grand American Trapshoot in Sparta, IL). The heat (105 Heat Index) fried my brains to shreds and coming straight to the office off the plane didn’t really help matters mentally. I’ve been stammering out sentences all day and my eyes are glazing over. In fact I don’t even know if this is making any sense whatsoever right now! But I just saw an article I just couldn’t resist “commenting” on.

So apparently this French girl tripped out on Shrooms’ in Amsterdam and tried to jump off a building because she probably thought she could fly.

The article references that the young girl took “Magic Mushrooms”, like the kind that’s seen here:

I immediately thought of my favorite movie of all-time, Airplane II, where the wife is recalling on the plane the time the husband did some of that “bad acid” and thought he was jesus christ while he tried to jump off a roof cause he thought he could fly. (I’ll have to vidcap the clip for you since it’s no where to be found on YouTube). Anyway, since that reference is probably too random for most of you (except for my friends to whom I quote lines of Airplane on an almost daily basis), the other thing I thought of was Super Mario Brothers II and how by “eating” (or in this case squatting down and flipping) the mushrooms, you got an energy boost and you grew in size. (One day I need to talk about how fucked up the Japanese are by inventing these types of ideas in the first place (let’s not forget the whole Tamagotchi debacle of the mid 90’s. But I’ll save that for another day…maybe when I’m tripping on shrooms myself!).

Since it’s well documented how great the euphoric effects eating “magic mushrooms” are and assuming this girl at some point had played Super Mario Brothers II in her lifetime (although she was French…do they french even play video games?) she would have known that if she was going to jump off a building or ledge, she should have morphed into the Princess.


Only the Princess is able to float on air after consuming mushrooms

So let this be a lesson to all who plan on taking shrooms and then trying to jump off buildings. You only start out with 2 lives. Select your player wisely.

What I’ve Learned July 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, random references, sarcasm, television, video.
21 comments

So I’ve learned a lot over the past 199 posts.  I’ve learned that I enjoy blogging…and each day that I can’t post an update I’m extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned).  But hey, since I’m not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to “pay the bills” with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok?  Good. 

But over the past 199 posts I’ve learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose.  Also I’ve learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes “adult content” and “bathroom humor”.  I’ve also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior.  But hey, I’m a Brooklyn born and raised’er…who said I wasn’t supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I’ve also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world.  I know I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I’ve made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw. 

But enough of the sentimental bullshit.  You read me to laugh.  I’m a humor blog.  Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I’m not funny. 

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So without further adieu, here is the “200th What Pushes My Buttons post”! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central.  Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I still couldn’t help but to make a few “puns” while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn’t know they turned Lexington Avenue into “Steampipe Alley”

Looks like today is a real “steam bath”.

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from “I Love New York” to “We’ve got ‘Steam Heat'”

Ok…that’s enough.  Thank you. Thank you.  I’ll be here all night.  Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved.  Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around. 

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I think I’m getting the “black lung”

A few of you have asked me if I’m giving away any “presents” for my 200th blog celebration.  Well frankly that’s not in the budget yet…BUT what I do want to give you is…

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My dick in a box! Enjoy!

Staring Problem July 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, funny, humor, movies, music, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, subways, video.
31 comments

So this morning I’m sitting on the subway reading AM New York and this lady across from me is staring at me. Thinking she may wanna read the paper too I open it up wider and lift it for her so she has a good view. I read an article, glance up and she’s still staring at me. Another 60 seconds go by, I dart my eyes up…same thing. Full out stare. And not one of those I’m staring into space stares. This was I’m staring at you intentionally kinda stare.

Then I start thinking. Do I know her from somewhere?

Nope…never seen her before.

Do I have something on my face? Did my goiter grow overnight? Am I showing too much cleavage?

No…no…and perhaps…

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Goiter? What Goiter?

But she’s still continuing to stare dead ahead at me. And I started to get uncomfortable. She wasn’t the most attractive nor skinniest of people. Actually I was getting quite worried that she was eyeing me up as her breakfast. Honestly. She had that cannibalistic look in her eye…the “get in my belly” kinda stare that Fat Bastard had in Austin Powers

Needless to say I buried my head deep into the paper. I noticed no one was sitting next to me anymore but the woman was still there, practically salivating. I could’ve sworn I saw her place a bib around her neck…then again I didn’t have my glasses on so it could’ve been an ascot…or a necklace…but regardless there was something eerie about this woman.

Thankfully the drama ended when she got off at 42nd street. I breathed a sigh of relief. Cause I didn’t feel like being no one’s breakfast this morning.

I was so giddy and relieved that I wasn’t eaten, I jumped on the set of Soul Train and started dancing.

(That was me with the white pants doing the leg twirl in case you didn’t recognize me)

Anyway, it’s supposed to be a HOT HOT HOT one this weekend…so make sure you turn up your HOT 103.5 and listen to some Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.

Umm…

Wait…my bad. I thought I was in 1987 for a moment.

Well as Broadway Bill Lee says… “stay calm, kiss your mom, ban the bomb, do the best you can, remember God loves you man”

Not going anywhere for a while… June 11, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in common sense, critique, current events, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, sarcasm, world news.
24 comments

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Grab A Snickers!

Remember those old Snickers commercials, where the person was placed in a precarious position, like hanging in a bear trap and was basically stuck and the voice over announcer would say: “Not going anywhere for a while…grab a Snickers”.

Well I’m sure the riders stuck upside down on the X-Coaster on Saturday won’t appreciate my humor and rightly so. Could you imagine the blood flowing to your head for 30 straight minutes? I’m just surprised no one passed out while stuck upside down on the ride!

Just looking at this coaster would make me think twice about going on it.

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The X-Coaster at Magic Springs

Doesn’t exactly look like the world’s safest ride does it? According to the theme park’s website The X-Coaster “shoots riders 150 feet in the air, flips them upside down and then sends everyone on a 360-degree corkscrew roll at more than 65 miles an hour.”

Nice. Sounds innocent enough. Especially during power outages.

This description of the coaster came from one of the park’s spokesman (courtesy of the Arkansas Times):


“This exciting new ride treats our guests to an upside down inversion at 150 feet, the highest in the world. What makes the ride unique is that a technological innovation leaves the riders inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints.

When the riders leave the loading platform, they are taken for a vertical ascent of 150 feet, at which point the car performs a thrillingly slow quarter-loop backwards, which has the riders hanging upside-down. Then the riders are sent on a 360-degree corkscrew roll, followed by a plummeting vertical drop at more than 65 miles an hour.

At this point it appears that the riders will return to the starting station, but instead they rocket past the station, stop on the lift hill, drop backwards through the station at high speed, stop upside down and rocket forward through the station again.”

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Nice. I’m sure the riders who were “inverted 150 feet above the ground without shoulder restraints” appreciated feeling helpless when they were left upside down for 30 minutes. Nothing like hanging upside down by the thread of a lap belt for thirty minutes to make you feel “exhiliarated!”

The Surprise is on Me?! June 11, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in brooklyn, humor, nostaglia, sarcasm.
10 comments

So yesterday I headed down to Brooklyn for what was supposed to be a surprise welcome home party for my sister who was returning home from her six month stay in London. So imagine my surprise when I peered over the gate and had everyone yell “Surprise!” Thinking it was one of those mistakes or jokes until I looked and saw more of my friends than my sister’s friends. So indeed the surprise party was for me! Shocked I was, especially since my 30th birthday had passed a few weeks back.

Although I think I was able to shock a few of you in my own special way by wearing my “I Eat’M Raw!” Lee & Rick’s Oyster Bar t-shirt to a family function. I know, how appropriate for a family function! Although it would have been perfect had their been some oysters or shrimp cocktail for me to devour while wearing the shirt. Maybe next time!

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Leave it to me to wear an “I Eat’M Raw!” shirt to my own surprise party

Anyway, thank you to all those who made the trek to Brooklyn to celebrate. Although a big booo for everyone lying to me over the past few weeks and telling me they already had plans this weekend. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

It was the first time, at least that I can remember, that I had a surprise party thrown for me. I mean I’ve had other surprises thrown at me in life, such as showing up to work one day and “surprise – your magazine is closing! Here’s your severance pay. Bye bye now”. Or the one time I went to the doctor’s office and he said “surprise – you’re pregnant!” (ok…maybe I’m making one of them up…bet you can’t guess which one though!). But on the scale of surprises, this was definitely a good one. I was definitely caught off-guard. Unaware. Hoodwinked. Pretty crafty move I may add, especially when the surprise was supposed to be for someone else.

So big thanks to my girlfriend Bridget for gathering my friends together, albeit behind my back. And big thanks to the parents and sisters who put together the festivities and organized the party. And thanks to all my family and friends who took time out of their days to spend the day with me. It was greatly appreciated. And thanks again for everyone reminding me that I’m 30. Much appreciated!

Btw this is one of the few times you’ll see me be sentimental on this blog…so soak it up now while you have the chance!

It’s all been done…. May 31, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, football, music, new york city, NFL, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, sports, white castle.
18 comments

Ooh ooh ooh…it’s all been done…ooh ooh…it’s all been done, before…

That Barenaked Ladies song popped into my head when I read an article this morning that Mark Cuban, the much ballyhooed owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, wants to launch his own professional football league.

http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-newfootballleague&prov=ap&type=lgns

Cuban’s idea centers around taking lower round draft picks to populate the league, which will save on having to pay high salaries to players. I actually thought about that point after the recent draft. How many NFL players drafted below the 3rd round actually get a chance to play? I mean not to say you don’t have “gems” later in the draft (i.e. Tom Brady) or guys that weren’t drafted at all (i.e. Tony Romo), but by and large most guys drafted end up on practice squads or playing in Europe. So conceivably this idea of another league, which if they do it right should be positioned as a development league, could stick. Not to say it’ll be popular as NFL football on Sundays…but if minor league baseball works…then why not “minor league football?”. People love to tailgate. As long as they kept ticket prices down and did some zany local market promotions (like the minor league baseball team in Sauget with the deep fried White Castles at their concessions) they can get decent crowds at games.

I honestly think this could work though. I was an avid and rabid fan of the New Jersey Generals of the USFL in the early 80s. Mainly because it gave me a local team to root for since I was a Dallas Cowboys fan.

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Walker hitting the hole for the Generals

Plus Herschel Walker ended up getting a “promotion” to the “big league” a few years later landing a spot on the Cowboys. But it doesn’t just end with Herschel. Look at all of the great NFL talent that came directly from the USFL:

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Future Super Bowl Champion and MVP Doug Williams of the Redskins

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Future 4 time Super Bowl participant Jim Kelly of the Bills

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Future Super Bowl Champion and one of the greatest scrambling QBs in NFL history, Steve Young of the 49ers

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Reggie White would become arguably the greatest defensive end ever to play in the NFL for the Eagles

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Without the USFL, we may never had been introduced to Flutie Flakes and longtime fan favorite Doug Flutie of the Bills

Other players who made an impact in the NFL coming from the USFL include:

Mel Gray – RB/KR Lions
Mike Rozier – RB Oilers
Bobby Hebert – QB Saints
Albert Bentley – WR Colts
Anthony Carter – WR Vikings
Ricky Sanders – WR Redskins

So when done right, an alternate league can yield some great undiscovered talent. Even the short-lived XFL contributed to the NFL by giving them Rod Smart of He Hate Me fame. Plus the NFL also stole the XFL’s roving field cameras and started using them during games (despite the NFL saying these were once-in-a-lifetime revolutionary cameras which as anyone who watched the XFL know was complete bullshit).

So even though I hate Mark Cuban because he’s a meddling pompous asshole who complains and whines about everything (hmm…remind you of a Mr. Steinbrenner?), I wish him well with this new league. After all, I’d love to see the next Herschel Walker or Doug Flutie in action before they hit it big!