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Friday Randomness November 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, funny, muppets, new york city, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, video.
9 comments

So did you guys hear about this…did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah…apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.


Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I’m a bit hungover so you’ll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I’d share with y’all some videos that I’ve taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it…well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:


This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world’s tallest banana. (yep…i’ll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here’s some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That’s all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

Crazy Train May 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, funny, humor, muppets, new york city, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, subways, television.
20 comments

So after playing racquetball for a few hours last night down at the NYHRC on Whitehall Street, I headed back uptown on the 5 train. I was able to secure a seat on the train although it was semi-crowded for 10pm. At Fulton Street more passengers came on the train, including a very bizarre interracial couple. The white guy had big bushy blond hair with a pink headband that had a large metallic reflector on it. The black girl had big dreadlocked hair that was pushed back by a white headband (unfortunately no reflectors for her). At first glance I didn’t know if they were people or Fraggle Rock characters.

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The couple on the train looked very “Fraggle-esque”

While everyone has different fashion sense, and certain this was one of those couples, the male was holding something unusual on the train – a stuffed Panda Bear. Its not too often you see a grown man with a Panda Bear on a train, but then again this is NYC, you see just about anything here. I would have been more impressed if the panda was real.

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I hope the Panda Bear paid his fare too

Anyway, another young male (early 20s) sits across from me. He looked to be exhausted as he slumped over to put his head on his bookbag. There was a guy sandwiched between him and another gentlemen who was getting squashed by the young male who was slumped over in his seat. The guy who was getting sandwiched kept clearing his throat to let the young man know that he was basically two inches away from giving him a lap dance. The guy looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders in an “I feel bad for you dude” sorta way. Anyway, the train pulls out of Grand Central as this young male keeps slumping over. As we make the turn coming out of Grand Central all of the sudden the young male pukes. Yes, he puked. And wouldn’t you know, the vomit splashes across the aisle and some of it splashes onto my duffel bag that was sitting between my legs.

Are you kidding? I look at the youth and he was pale as a ghost. I get up from my seat and stand over by the door. Luckily I had some tissues on me so I could wipe my bag. A few other people, including the guy being squashed left their seats and got away from Mt. Vesuvius. Fortunately he didn’t throw up again, and got off the train at 59th. The same guy who was being squashed earlier looked at me and laughed. Actually a few people were trying not to laugh. After initially being mad, I just shook my head and smiled. Because I too have puked on the subway before (although it was at 3am and I was completely fucking hammered). Plus I know he probably didn’t mean too. It’s just my luck that he happened to puke in front of me.

I guess that’s what I get for taking a picture of the Panda Bear on the train. Apparently the bear didn’t like to be photographed and summoned this youth to puke in front of me.

So Mr. Panda Bear, if you’re reading, I apologize for taking your picture. I know that paparazzi stalk you everywhere you go and now you’re starting to get even. You win. No more pictures.

The Beavers are coming February 23, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, beavers, food, humor, muppets, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, prostitutes, random references, rats, restaurant, television, top blog candidate, world news.
11 comments

So apparently the 1st “beaver” was spotted in NYC in over 200 years. The beaver was spotted in the Bronx. Here’s the article:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_sc/bronx_beaver

Although I’m sure they’ll later find out that the said beaver was actually a shriveled up prostitute from Hunts Point who got dumped in the river. Hey oh! Its funny though, since they are trying to develop the South Bronx (SoBo) into the next trendy area – redoing warehouses into condos and fixing up some of the crack houses. Although it’s putting the squeeze on hunts point prostitutes since the area is trying to be “gentrified” with “types of people” who aren’t out to get them some poontang.

Here’s a quote from the article: “…beaver populations are expanding, and their habitats are shrinking,” said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. “We’re probably going to see more of them in the future.”

Although I guess the good news for the “beavers” is that having the South Bronx developed and gentrified is opening up a new clientele to those “beavers” who sell their wares in Hunts Point, especially the ones who have been featured on HBO’s special “Hookers and Johns”.


Beavers looking for work in the South Bronx

Wait. Am I confused? What? It was an actual beaver they spotted? Like the animal? Oh…oops. Well good luck to those beavers as well. Most of the union construction jobs have already been taken.

Speaking of union jobs it seems that rats these days are trying to get in on the action (I mean why should they be denied umemployment when most illegal aliens get employed too). It appears a gang of rats infiltrated a Taco Bell/KFC this am before the store opened “looking for work”.

Read the story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_fe_st/restaurant_rats


Rat looking to bus tables

Its a good thing these rats weren’t trying to gain employment at a chinese restaurant…hey oh!

I won’t finish the punch line if you’re looking for one.

Anyway, rats have long been hard workers, mining our subways tunnels for centuries. They’ve also held memorable jobs in the restaurant industry before! In fact, who can forget the vital role rats played in the movie Muppets take Manhattan?? Rizzo the rat got himself and his friends a job in the kitchen at the diner and they saved the damn place. Even futher, his girlfriend Yolanda was the first female rat to gain a part in a movie and quite honestly was more attractive in her waitress role than most other human waitresses. Don’t believe me…compare Yolando to Flo from Mel’s Diner and you be the judge:


Yolanda lookin good in the kitchen


Flo from Mel’s Diner

The rats went beyond the kitchen, exposing themselves to great danger when they went undercover to perform a “whispering campaign” for Kermit’s Manhattan Melodies at Sardi’s. They were swatted at, stomped on and thrown to the curb. Definitely broke all sorts of animal rights violations on the set. Did you hear them complain though? Not a peep. Maybe more workers should learn from rats and just do their jobs and not complain. Then maybe we’d have a more productive workforce in this country!

A little too early for this May 23, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in common sense, critique, funny, humor, muppets, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, rats, stupidity, subways, top blog candidate.
8 comments

So on my way to work this morning at the ungodly time of 6:45 am. Yes 6:45 am…I had to set up a conference at the Harvard Club. Yes the Harrrverd Club. So distinguished and polished. I felt richer and more educmacated just walking through the crimson doors onto the crimson carpet through the crimson lined walls with crimson lamp shade adornments (you get the picture). Anyway after two 6 trains wiz by the stop at 103rd going express (cause obviously us poor folk in east harlem don’t need to go to work either) I get on an empty 6 train, meaning there was plenty of room to maneuver without getting arrested for subway grinding.

At 86th street I move to the middle of the car with a good 10 feet of room on either side of me clear. Of course the rats rush onto the train looking for a seat (rats = commuters…not actual rats. Although how funny would that be. Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets hops on the 6 with his little business suit and micro sized NY Times. That would be a sight). After the rats find their seats I still have tons of room on either side of me and there’s open space galore. Which means only one thing. That people will crowd around the nearest person they see.

It’s amazing, no one knows what to do with empty space on the train. The first thing people normally do is find that first pole and cling to it, like a “dancer” at a strip club.

(Side note:  Could there be anything dirtier than a subway pole? I mean I know strippers slide up and down the poles at strip clubs, but how many strippers work at a given club a day? 30, 40? And compare that to how many people touch the subway poles a day. A few thousand? And don’t give me the hand is cleaner than crotch excuse. Not unless you know where everyone’s hands on that train have been. At least with the stripper you know what you’re getting – Dirty whore. Who knows what you’re getting on a subway pole. Dirty whore. Sleazy business execs oozing with grease. The occassional child molester. I rest my case).

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I betcha she wouldn’t be licking this pole if it was in a strip club.  But isn’t the subway dirtier?

Anyway so this scumbag stands about 2 inches from me with his bookbag shoved into my kidneys. I mean come on dude, you got like 10 feet of empty real estate next to you and you have to fucking dry hump my leg on the train. This is followed by some goth chic moving to within 3 inches on my other side. I look left beyond the guy practically standing on my shoulders and you can park a 18 wheeler in the middle of the train without touching anyone. But look right and there’s about 30 people huddled together like penguins trying to brave the Antartic cold. I’d expect this kind of behavior during peak rush hour times but at 7am, come on…give me a freakin break. Oh and it doesn’t end there.

On my way walking down 45th between Park & Madison on route to the Harrrverd Club (btw I was so tempted to say to members of the Harvard Club that I went to Yardsley and had a perfect 4.0 – that’s South Park reference from that episode where the kid is hitting on Wendy in competition w/ Stan. You know the episode where Stan throws up on Wendy everytime he talks to her) this guy about 50 feet in front of me is walking full steam, staring straight into his Crackberry. You can see where this is going. I move about 15 feet to the right to give this schmuck on wheels room to drift all over the sidewalk like Billy Joel driving on a backroad in the Hamptons and what does he do…make a fucking B line right towards me. Not looking. Head down. Had I not turned my shoulder in a Matrix type move I would have knocked his front teeth out. And I should have…but at 7 am I was still a little sleepy to be throwing body checks around the streets.

I may start a petition to make walking and using your CrackBerry illegal…similar to the cell phone ban while driving. Although I wish I had morphing abilities so that at the last second I can morph into a telephone pole and have these crackberry assholes slam head first into the pole. Then morph back into a human to laugh at them when they try to pick up the 1,000 pieces of crackberry fragments all over the sidewalk. That’ll teach them to walk with their head up next time.

Anyway so that’s been my lovely day so far…and I just got a leg cramp from being on my feet for 5 straight hours so i’m gonna go limp around for a while.

Until next time America…don’t be kind to each other out there until someone shows kindness first. That sounds a lot better than “be kind to each other out there”.