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What Are the Odds??? November 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, movies, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, subways, world news.
13 comments

Before I begin, let’s have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other “performance drink” out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You’ll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can’t believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I’m actually pretty psyched to see the movie “I Am Legend” with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled “The World Without Us” by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:


After 2 days of no humans


After 2-4 years of no humans


After 5 years of no humans


After 300 years of no humans


After 500 years of no humans


After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I’m sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio…although then they wouldn’t be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they’ll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based “what-if” scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.

Food a-plenty October 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, critique, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, movies, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, restaurant, sarcasm, sports, television, travel, world news.
49 comments

There’s a new king in town in the world of competitive eating.

Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, currently the #3 ranked eater in the world, has wiped the floor with Joey Chesnut in the past few days.

First, Bertoletti knocked off Joey Chestnut at the State Fair of Texas, winning the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship with a new record of 29 waffles in 10 minutes. Chestnut was the two time defending champion, but fell short by half a waffle.

For his troubles, Pat took home $3500 and the new Waffle House Belt, which was unavailable as of press time. No word if Pat also took home a year’s supply of syrup. (BTW…waiting for the Utah Flapjacks eating contest. That would be the breast! I mean best!)

Regaining his appetite quickly, Bertoletti then crushed Chestnut (get it, crushed chestnut – ha ha – I’m so witty) in a “Chicken Wing Chowdown” on Spike TV.

Pat devoured 4.1 pounds of buffalo chicken meat in eight minutes to take home the $25,000 grand prize! Not only did Pat hold off Chestnut, but he also knocked off Kobayashi in the contest (Joey ate 4.05 pounds for second while Kobayashi came in third, with 3.12 pounds).

Good stuff. I’m soooo looking forward to see who wins the Krystal Square Off on Oct. 28th. Bertoletti ate 76 Krystal’s to qualify this year. Although the record is still Kobayashi’s 97 Krystal’s in 8 minutes.

Speaking of eating feats, I happened to catch a show on the Travel Channel the other night about the Top 10 places to pig out.

The show was pretty good. Among my favorites were the 12 egg omelette at Beth’s Cafe in Seattle.

The eggs are fried on the grill and served up on a pizza plate with toast and hash browns. I’ve made some doozy omelettes in my days but don’t have a space large enough to make a 12 egg omelette. But I’d like to tackle that one day.

I’m also definitely down for the oyster challenge at the Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. You know I’m gonna try to battle my way on top of their Oyster Eating Contest leaderboard. Although there’s a long way to go to #1, as the top leader on their board downed 52 dozen oysters in 2-½ hours. I’m gonna have to bust out the “I Eat’M Raw” shirt for some extra inspiration.

Another challenge I’m up to trying is the Reilly Burger at Eagle’s Deli in Massachussetts. The Reilly Burger is named after local resident Sean Reilly, who devoured a six half-pound hamburger patties, quarter-pound of cheese (not quarter pounder w/ cheese – a QUARTER POUND of cheese). Before you think that’s nothing, he also polished off 5 pounds of french fries.

It took Reilly 2 hours and 7 minutes to finish the entire meal. Anyone who finishes the feat in the 2-½-hour time limit receives a full refund and their picture on the wall next to Reilly and his fellow overachievers, of which there are very few. I’d definitely be able to do the burger part. The fries I don’t know. That seems like a waste of calories to me!

Finally, the other challenge I’d like to embrace is the “World Famous, Free, Seventy-Two Ounce Steak Dinner” at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. The goal is to finish a 72-oz. steak, tossed salad, shrimp cocktail, roll with butter and baked potato in one hour. The meal is free if you can finish the whole steak and all the side items in an hour or less. 4,800 people have completed the meal out of 30,000 who have tried. I’m pretty confident I can add my name to that list. And I’m not lying either. I love me some steak. As long as they don’t make me dissolve all the grizzle and fat too, I should be all set (click picture to play the scene we all know and love!)

(Btw…no word on whether or not that was actually Keycoon, our favorite coon candidate for president, with a Swastika on his chest during his cameo role in The Great Outdoors. Stay tuned for his official announcement regarding this allegation.)

Cute? Or Bent on World Domination? August 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, movies, politics, random references, travel, weird, world news.
14 comments

So apparently a giant Lego emerged from the sea at a resort in Amsterdam

No one has been able to identify where LegoMan originated from, but one woman speculated that the LegoMan came from the UK.

I personally love his shirt that says “No real than you are”.

I mean could that make anymore of a political statement? LegoMan is basically telling us that like him, we’re just a piece of plastic on this earth.

The smile is quite devious too…so you wonder if it’s really a spy LegoMan sent from a neighboring country like the UK. It’s no secret that the English and the Dutch don’t get along. Actually in Ireland last year I heard this English guy refer to his friend from Amsterdam as a “Dutch Fucker” (make your own assumptions on what that means).

So this very well could be a “Trojan Horse” trick pulled by the English. If so, it would be a huge boon for the Brits, whose last “Trojan Rabbit” trick during Monty Python and the Holy Grail failed miserably.


The LegoMan trick could be a re-do for the botched King Arthur Trojan Rabbit debacle

Printing Health Hazards? August 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, current events, funny, humor, movies, opinion, sarcasm, world news.
11 comments

So as I was checking my Yahoo email earlier I saw this article: “Your Printer May Be Hazardous to your Health”

The article goes on to say that “30 percent of all laser printers tested emit dangerous particles described as ‘causing lasting damage on the scale of inhaled cigarette smoke.’ These tiny particles lodge deep in the lungs and can lead to anything from lung irritation to full-on cancer.”

That’s fuckin wonderful. So all the times I’ve sat close to my printer, even leaning on it and smacking it to urge it to print faster, it’s basically been spewing cancer dust at me in retaliation? What about all those paper jams, and sticking my hands up the printer’s insides like I was performing some sort of gynological exam? Is that just all a ploy by the printer to say fuck you, this is what you get for waking me up from sleep mode?

Not only that, but there was a second article that said “Your Printer May be Spying on You”. Even better…not only is my printer giving me cancer, but its also watching my every move. And here I thought I was safely printing out my super secret advance copy of the not even yet released Harry Potter VIII: The Pubic Hair Dilemna (when our characters get too old to play their parts and discover sex on the set).

But you know what? No longer will I stand idly by while my printers infect me with their filth. It’s time to take action! I’m gonna go all Mike Bolton on their asses!

“Taste-O-Vision” July 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, current events, eating, food, movies, photos, pictures, sarcasm.
12 comments

So last night went to an advanced screening of Crazy Legs Conti’s new DVD release: Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating.

This wasn’t like any ordinary screening however, as the film was being presented in Taste O’Vision.

Taste O’Vision is exactly what it sounds like. You taste something based on what’s on the screen.

Conti only screened portions of the DVD last night, but had four jelly beans flavored based on what he was eating on the screen:

Butter

Hot Dogs

Oysters

Donuts

A prompt came across the screen telling you when it was time to indulge in your tasty treats to experience the same taste sensations that Crazy Legs was partaking in on screen.

The concept is quite funny actually, and definitely works considering how eccentric the food he was eating was.

I mean, you’re not gonna get a Jelly Bean to taste exactly like an oyster or a hotdog, but I guess the flavoring gods were able to work their magic with that (actually I’m hoping to have some expert commentary in regards to the science behind the flavoring for you shortly).

Anyway, despite a few yucks and eww, grosses from the crowd I didn’t mind the taste of the jellybeans. Despite them not tasting like your ordinary cherry or orange jellybean I didn’t think they were half bad. The butter one tasted like buttery popcorn. The hotdog one tasted like smoked sausage. The donut one tasted like cotton candy. And the oyster one…well really didn’t have any taste. All in all I’d rather eat these flavored jellybeans than a licorice one. Or any of those other bitter flavors.

All in all the screening was a success. The DVD includes many other features, including outtakes, scenes from competitions and other segments including girls dunking their “buns” – literally…hot dogs and hamburgers were affixated to their bums. Pretty funny actually.

This premiere was also celebrity studded with some of the all-time greats from the eating community. In attendance were: Ed “Cookie” Jarvis, Eric “Badlands” Booker, Kevin Lipshitz, Don “Moses” Lerman among others.


“Badlands” Booker


“Cookie” Jarvis


Cookie’s coat listing all of his championships

Lindsay Lohan was supposed to also be in attendance but unfortunately she got arrested again. They wanted to see her try to eat more than two bagels without physically exploding, but she conveniently got arrested before she could attempt that feat! I smell chicken!

What I’ve Learned July 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, random references, sarcasm, television, video.
21 comments

So I’ve learned a lot over the past 199 posts.  I’ve learned that I enjoy blogging…and each day that I can’t post an update I’m extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned).  But hey, since I’m not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to “pay the bills” with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok?  Good. 

But over the past 199 posts I’ve learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose.  Also I’ve learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes “adult content” and “bathroom humor”.  I’ve also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior.  But hey, I’m a Brooklyn born and raised’er…who said I wasn’t supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I’ve also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world.  I know I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I’ve made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw. 

But enough of the sentimental bullshit.  You read me to laugh.  I’m a humor blog.  Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I’m not funny. 

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So without further adieu, here is the “200th What Pushes My Buttons post”! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central.  Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I still couldn’t help but to make a few “puns” while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn’t know they turned Lexington Avenue into “Steampipe Alley”

Looks like today is a real “steam bath”.

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from “I Love New York” to “We’ve got ‘Steam Heat'”

Ok…that’s enough.  Thank you. Thank you.  I’ll be here all night.  Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved.  Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around. 

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I think I’m getting the “black lung”

A few of you have asked me if I’m giving away any “presents” for my 200th blog celebration.  Well frankly that’s not in the budget yet…BUT what I do want to give you is…

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My dick in a box! Enjoy!

“Was there a year one?” July 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, common sense, critique, funny, humor, movies, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, sarcasm, stupidity.
6 comments

So Bridget and I are taking the Metro North back to NYC tonight and these two teenage boys are sitting in the seats in front of us across from each other (like typical teenagers they were taking up a group of seats by laying across them). One of the boys says to the other: “man it’s crazy…we’re gonna be graduating college in like 2013. That’s crazy.”.

The other teenager just nods and says something like yeah, I can’t believe it.

The first teenage now says one of the stupidest things I’ve EVER heard come out of anyone’s mouths (and I’ve heard some stupid things heard over the years). The teen says: “Yeah, I don’t know why they just don’t reset years. Like start at 100 or 1000 or something. (long pause) Was there a year one?”

He honestly said that in all sincerity. Was there a year one.

The other teen didn’t answer right away and I noticed he shot his friend a “what the fuck” kinda look. Like are you serious dude.

Well the teen who asked said question waited for a response. No chuckle. No “I’m just fuckin with you”. He was dead serious.

So the obviously smarter teen said something like “umm, yeah dude…when Christ died they started the calendar after his death. But before that they counted years too.”

To which the dumber teen said…oh cool.

Oh cool. Nice. Dude…lay off the fuckin drugs. Seriously. Unless you’re planning on enrolling in P.C.U. then you should really make sure you’re living on this planet.

Anyway I found it kinda funny. I whispered to Bridget “did you hear what that kid just said”. Which she didn’t. And I don’t blame her. She was wrapped up in reading People magazine. Although after telling her we shared a laugh…and then went back to reading about things that matter most in this world…like celebrities.

I can’t believe Prince Charles was caught wearing all of Lady Di’s clothes. And Liberace was gay? Who would have saw that coming???

Breaking news out of the Caribbean July 11, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, funny, humor, movies, random references, sarcasm, world news.
24 comments

For those fans of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies I have some said news for you.

Popular character Davy Jones, who made his first appearance in the Pirates of the Caribbean 2, was found dead on the beach this morning filming a scene for Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

Shooting for the movie, which was supposed to be a secret following up on the smashing popularity of the Pirates trilogy, has been temporarily postponed.

“The stench on the beach is overwhelming” said one of the production members. “Davy must have been rotting away on the beach all night” he added with a white surgical mask covering his face.

No word on cause of death, although speculations are that a golf ball got lodged in Jones’ throat during an action scene in the water.

According to a director, Jones was being beaten back into the sea during one of the scenes. When he disappeared under the surface we figured it was all part of the scene. Jones has been known to stay underwater for hours at a time, trying to fully encompass his role of an “underwater monster”.

Jones’ character is based on the fictional Davy Jones, who is known in folklore to have placed a curse upon pirates. Jones’ mystique is largely due to his infamous “locker” which swallows all of the “bad” pirates and their ships, leading them to be cursed for the rest of their lives.

“We wrapped up shooting and told Davy we’d see him at the bar later” says the director who chooses to remain anonymous. “He never showed up but we figured he just was rehearsing his lines underwater” added the tearful director. No word yet on whether funeral arrangements have been made, although the beach was flooded with lawyers earlier today.

“We believe the Jones’ family is in for a huge, HUGE payday” said one lawyer with Jacoby & Meyers, who was among one of the first on the scene.

In an unrelated story, that may be tied to Jones’ death, Michael Richards was seen hitting golf balls from a driving range on an island not too far from where the shooting was. Unfortunately Mr. Richards, best known for his role as “Kramer” on the television series Seinfeld, was unavailable for comment.

More on the story as news develops.

My new invention July 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in eating, food, funny, humor, lunch, movies, random references, sarcasm.
20 comments

So yesterday I was motivated enough to bring my own lunch. I had made a sandwich consisting of turkey breast and cheese w/ mustard.


My sandwich “pre-grilling”

However I really wasn’t in the mood for a “cold sandwich”…so remembering that I had a Hamilton Beach (Foreman like) grill at my desk (because doesn’t everyone have a portable grill at their desk), I decided to play mad scientist and “grill my sandwich”.


My sandwich “post-grilling”

And boy was that just the smartest move ever! The bread was nice and toasty. The cheese slightly melted, the turkey warmed through. What an ingenious idea! I mean, just think how much I singlehandedly just revolutionized the sandwich eating industry! I can develop a chain of “sandwich” shops who’s catch is that all of the sandwiches are grilled! That would be awesome wouldn’t it?

Wait…what do you mean those already exist? Fuck! Are you kidding?!?! Goddammit…everytime I think of a good invention someone else beats me to it.

Anyway…got a lot on my plate today so this one is short and sweet for now…I may be back for more later…if Lumberg lets me.


Hello Chris, what’s happening. Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop blogging for now. The TPS reports are due asap. Thanks!

Staring Problem July 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, funny, humor, movies, music, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, subways, video.
31 comments

So this morning I’m sitting on the subway reading AM New York and this lady across from me is staring at me. Thinking she may wanna read the paper too I open it up wider and lift it for her so she has a good view. I read an article, glance up and she’s still staring at me. Another 60 seconds go by, I dart my eyes up…same thing. Full out stare. And not one of those I’m staring into space stares. This was I’m staring at you intentionally kinda stare.

Then I start thinking. Do I know her from somewhere?

Nope…never seen her before.

Do I have something on my face? Did my goiter grow overnight? Am I showing too much cleavage?

No…no…and perhaps…

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Goiter? What Goiter?

But she’s still continuing to stare dead ahead at me. And I started to get uncomfortable. She wasn’t the most attractive nor skinniest of people. Actually I was getting quite worried that she was eyeing me up as her breakfast. Honestly. She had that cannibalistic look in her eye…the “get in my belly” kinda stare that Fat Bastard had in Austin Powers

Needless to say I buried my head deep into the paper. I noticed no one was sitting next to me anymore but the woman was still there, practically salivating. I could’ve sworn I saw her place a bib around her neck…then again I didn’t have my glasses on so it could’ve been an ascot…or a necklace…but regardless there was something eerie about this woman.

Thankfully the drama ended when she got off at 42nd street. I breathed a sigh of relief. Cause I didn’t feel like being no one’s breakfast this morning.

I was so giddy and relieved that I wasn’t eaten, I jumped on the set of Soul Train and started dancing.

(That was me with the white pants doing the leg twirl in case you didn’t recognize me)

Anyway, it’s supposed to be a HOT HOT HOT one this weekend…so make sure you turn up your HOT 103.5 and listen to some Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.

Umm…

Wait…my bad. I thought I was in 1987 for a moment.

Well as Broadway Bill Lee says… “stay calm, kiss your mom, ban the bomb, do the best you can, remember God loves you man”