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Pizza Pizza December 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, critique, current events, funny, humor, opinion, video.
8 comments

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they’ve produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)

Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence – very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he’ll have to pay an extra “Health Surcharge” for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a “holy shit, let’s stop this from happening now” fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole “GoogleZon” idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don’t listen to what the “We do more harm in the world than good” cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find “civil liberties” for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT’S something we can all get ‘behind’ right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!

Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our ‘gas emissions’ into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say “I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh”, you could really mean it!

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Friday Randomness November 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, funny, muppets, new york city, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, video.
9 comments

So did you guys hear about this…did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah…apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.


Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I’m a bit hungover so you’ll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I’d share with y’all some videos that I’ve taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it…well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:


This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world’s tallest banana. (yep…i’ll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here’s some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That’s all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

What Are the Odds??? November 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, movies, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, subways, world news.
13 comments

Before I begin, let’s have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other “performance drink” out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You’ll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can’t believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I’m actually pretty psyched to see the movie “I Am Legend” with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled “The World Without Us” by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:


After 2 days of no humans


After 2-4 years of no humans


After 5 years of no humans


After 300 years of no humans


After 500 years of no humans


After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I’m sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio…although then they wouldn’t be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they’ll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based “what-if” scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.

I’m from Hollywood…Florida??? November 14, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, asshole of the day, critique, current events, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, stupidity.
10 comments

So probably 0.0000001% of you saw this today (well yesterday by the time this post goes up in WordPress land), but thousands of cranky NYC commuters did. On page 6 of AM New York (too bad it wasn’t the “other page six”) I was quoted in the “Sound Off” area of the paper.

My quote was my response to the feeding the pigeon ban fiasco as reported here on Monday. I was engaged in a heated debate on the AM New York site about the ban and seemed to be the only one in favor of it.

In the message board I was called “an animal hater” and basically told to go to hell by some pigeon fucking assholes.

But nonetheless, in plain print was my opinion on the matter:

If you want to see the paper in its entirety you can view it here: http://www.amny.com/media/acrobat/2007-11/23136028.pdf

Now, I’m definitely honored that they would select my quote to appear in the newspaper. I haven’t been quoted in a newspaper since my college days, and that’s when I was quoted as saying Marv Albert was my role model just a few days before he was found biting prostitutes in the back. So this ink was decidely much more positive.

Actually my full quote on the site was: “I wholeheartedly agree with the ban. If you grew up in any part of the city you know that by and large pigeons are for the most part pests. Their shit literally rots away our bridges and buildings. They don’t contribute anything to the city. They’re not pretty and “bird watchable” by any means. Anyone feeding a pigeon should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Perhaps their punishment should be having a gang of pigeons shitting in their house for a week and we’ll see how they like it.”

So AM New York did some censorship on my behalf. But whatever. These days you can’t even print the word shit without the Federal Cocksucking Commission coming down on you. But to see what the discussion forum was where they grabbed my quote, you can view it here: http://www.topix.net/forum/source/am-new-york/TPG285OEGMQ7RGO4F.

It’s definitely worth a laugh seeing how stupid these pigeon fuckers are. Especially this douchebag Adam quoted besides me in the paper. Does his quote even make sense? Seriously. “Does anyone even know the price of gas? Anyone know what the implications are?”. What the fuck does that have to do with eliminating pigeon shit asshole? Way to make a complete asshole out of yourself. If this was a debate I would have wiped the floor with him.

Anyway, what pissed me off was the quote said I lived in Hollywood, Florida. I mean I’m not knocking Hollywood, FL. I’m sure it’s a lovely community of dinosaurs and retired Jews from up north.

I mean, it’s on the ocean. It has its own government. And its welcome sign is a lot nicer than that shitty sign that greets you out in the “other Hollywood”:

You sit there and tell me that sign is not nicer than this piece of shit:

I rest my case.

But still, it was a little bizarre to see someone quoted on a NYC pigeon shitting problem from Hollywood, FL. I just about lost all my street cred with that one.

Thanks alot AM New York.

Finally a bill worth passing! November 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, brooklyn, common sense, current events, football, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, politics, sports, world news.
18 comments

Firstly…how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it’s well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.


A pigeon performing a “shit and run” in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a “pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city’s pigeon-related complaints”.

Now if the city had any brains at all they’d appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I’d effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I’d unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender’s house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I’d lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I’d “humanely execute” all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time….they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I’m the only one with these thoughts? Think again.

Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There’s countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the “heros” who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder’s proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let’s keep the damn pigeon population under control!

Ain’t no bagel worth no $1,000 November 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in common sense, critique, current events, eating, food, humor, new york city, opinion, stupidity, world news.
31 comments

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it’s the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called “$1,000 bagel” using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?

The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!

Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a “Frrozen Haute Chocolate,” is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the “most expensive and exotic from around the globe”. I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don’t think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that’s not enough, the dessert is “infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound.”

Oh and to top it off, “it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home.”

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night…especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that’s not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I’m sorry…if I’m buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain’t covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer’s Gifts that ain’t cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There’s millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

The votes are in… November 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, humor, politics, sarcasm.
17 comments

And there’s a new presidential candidate in town.

Fresh off Stephen Colbert withdrawing his nomination in the state of South Carolina for a possible presidential run, another candidate has filled his void.

This candidate is full of anger and hate but is a great debater and would instill fear into all who opposed him.

That candidate is none other than Angry Bear!

The Angry Bear has already been hitting the campaign trails with full force. His popularity, spurred by his appearance in the Borat movie, is growing by the day.

Although he’ll need to act quickly to get all the support he can before he hibernates for the winter.

And he’ll need to shed that grizzlied exterior too in favor of a softer look. Perhaps he can take a cue from Johnny Damon:

An appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn’t hurt either πŸ˜‰

Are You ‘Shittin’ Me? November 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, common sense, current events, opinion, pedestrian behavior, stupidity, weird, world news.
17 comments

So thanks to John for this ‘scoop’ today.

Apparently there’s a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff’s office warning of a new drug called “Jenkem”.

This drug is “a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past”.

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), “the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995.”

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.

The Smoking Gun hasn’t found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. Actually it’s been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can’t really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn’t put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it’s doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

Race Day November 6, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, new york city, sports, world news.
7 comments

So as everyone knows yesterday was the NYC Marathon and while I’m not a runner in any sense of the word, I’m proud to say I was able to jump in with Rich for a few miles. I’m surprised I even made it as far as my apt on 100st to the Willis Ave Bridge on 125th (which was over a mile). But I went further, and actually made it into the Bronx and back into Manhattan, cutting out of the race around 125th and 5th.

Honestly just having the people watching and rooting you on is a great experience and keeps you motivated to keep going. I honestly don’t know how marathoners can keep that up for all 26.2 miles, but I can see where you get the thrill and adraneline to keep pushing yourself to the finish. If my knees ever hold up it would be cool to run the entire marathon. Maybe I’ll just get a job as one of those bikers though…seems to be a little easier on the knees πŸ™‚


Waiting for the call


Into the crowd


Off and running

Even though I’m extremely sore, I definitely won’t complain. I got to meet and hang out with a man who, despite his physical disabilities, just completed his 40th marathon on Sunday.

Jason Pisano is an extremely gifted athlete from Rhode Island who has cerebal palsy. He pushes well beyond his physical limitations however and is on a quest to finish 50 marathons in their entirety. Most athletes will only attempt a handful of marathons in their lifetime, but Jay is only 10 short from completing his goal of 50.


Jay on the road during Sunday’s marathon

Not only is he an extraordinary athlete, he lights up the room with his smile and personality. He is very well known and instantly recognizable, and just last night during dinner we had a few people come up to our table and offer their congrats to him on finishing the race.

To read more about Jason and his quest for 50 marathons, you can go to: http://www.teampisano.blogspot.com/

If you would like to support Jason or Disabled Athletes in general, you may do so through the National Disability Sports Alliance.

To specifically help support Jason’s training and racing through the NDSA (a 501C(3) non-profit organization) you can make checks payable to:

NDSA Travel and Training Fund (Jason Pisano)

Mail Checks to:
Jerry McCole
National Disability Sports Alliance
25 West Independence Way
South Kingston, RI 02881

If you have questions about the fund please contact Jerry McCole 401 792-7130.

I hope to be present for his 41st marathon quest in Boston and maybe even jump in for a few miles to improve on my NYC marathon experience.

Gimme Gimme More… November 2, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in current events, music, opinion, sports, video, yankees.
12 comments

I have to say…the song is growing on me. Big time. Actually I heard all of Britney’s new album is the bomb.

Good for her. Glad she’s back. Even if she was the worst singer out of the group of girls (xtina, jessica, etc) at least she’s got the best dance jams.

May have to make a whole shower songs album with nothing but Britney songs.

No worries, I’ll get working on that for you guys.

And I’ll even drop the soap πŸ˜‰

Speaking of “taking one for the team”, how funny is it that A-rod was offered a contract by the Toledo Mud Hens?

That’s fucking great…although apparently they have a MVP third baseman already…perhaps that guy can play for the Yanks! Joey G get on that buddy.

I’m ok with Girardi as manager and not Mattingly. Why? Well Girardi has already been on the front line as a manager and proved to be a hard noser manager much like he was a hard nosed player. Mattingly would have been a shill (or plant if you will) for the team. Meaning that he would have been the whipping boy for Steinbrenner when the team struggled and didn’t win the WS again. And the fans would have eventually turned on Mattingly because he too couldn’t “motivate” this team to get into shape. I think if the youth movement is truly on (and lord knows everyone who knows me knows I’ve been calling for that for a longggg time), Girardi is the kinda of guy who will whip players into shape. Just look what he did with that Marlins team with young guns like Dontrelle and Miguel Cabrera. It should be interesting times up in the BX…especially since the Sox are still the favorite to win again next year.

Anyway, I’m in a musical kinda mood tonight and came across some cool clips on YouTube of a young pianist named David Sides.

Apparently I must be the last person to have discovered him, as many of his clips have over 500,000 views on YouTube already. That and he just released a CD of his songs available on MySpace thanks to his popularity!

This guy is legit. I’m a big fan of the ivory keys and he plays it just as well as anyone. He doesn’t even read the sheet music…he just plays. Melodies and backgrounds and all. You gotta love that.

His new CD includes the following tracks:
01. Ciara – Like A Boy : Piano Cover By David Sides
02. Chris Brown – Say Goodbye : Piano Cover By David Sides
03. Akon – Don’t Matter : Piano Cover By David Sides
04. T-Pain – Buy You A Drink : Piano Cover By David Sides
05. Ne-Yo – Because Of You : Piano Cover By David Sides
06. Rihanna – Umbrella : Piano Cover By David Sides
07. Bone Thug – I Try : Piano Cover By David Sides
08. Mario – How Do I Breathe : Piano Cover By David Sides
09. Omarion – Ice Box : Piano Cover By David Sides
10. Robin Thicke – Lost Without You : Piano Cover By David Sides
11. Sean Paul – We Be Burnin’ : Piano Cover By David Sides
12. Marques Houston – Circle : Piano Cover By David Sides
13. Fat Joe – Make It Rain : Piano Cover By David Sides
14. Musiq Soulchild – Buddy : Piano Cover By David Sides
15. Coldplay – Clocks : Piano Cover By David Sides
16. Coldplay – The Scientist : Piano Cover By David Sides
17. Bonus Track – Nickelback – Far Away
18. Bonus Track – Justin Timberlake – What Goes Around

Now if you’ve been living under a rock like I apparently have and haven’t seen his work, go to the Blogger version of this site to view the videos or go to David’s YouTube site directly

My personal favs (as shown on the blogger site) are:
What Goes Around by J.T.
Far Away by Nickleback
Umbrella by Rhianna (off the hook!)
The Scientist by Coldplay
We Be Burning by Sean Paul
Clocks by Coldplay

Good shit. I definitely would see him in concert. Awesome stuff Mr. Sides keep up the good work.

Anyway…I’m off to bed, got a big day of shooting clays tomorrow complete with a 5:30am wake up call. That and it’s a busy weekend on tap in WPMB land, including yours truly attempting to run a small leg of the NYC marathon with Rich (let’s see how long I can last!)