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What I’ve Learned July 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, random references, sarcasm, television, video.
21 comments

So I’ve learned a lot over the past 199 posts.  I’ve learned that I enjoy blogging…and each day that I can’t post an update I’m extremely saddened (thus this would qualify as being one of the saddest weeks of my blogging life as far as that is concerned).  But hey, since I’m not being paid to blog (at least not yet anyway), I have to “pay the bills” with my full time job, so no shit about the lack of updates this week, ok?  Good. 

But over the past 199 posts I’ve learned that I have the uncanny ability to sometimes make people laugh and spit food out of their nose.  Also I’ve learned that I have the ability to disgust people thoroughly with my sometimes “adult content” and “bathroom humor”.  I’ve also undoubtedly led some to permanently boycott my blog thanks to some crude and outlandish behavior.  But hey, I’m a Brooklyn born and raised’er…who said I wasn’t supposed to be crude and outlandish.

I’ve also learned that there are a lot of funny and talented people in the world.  I know I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the talented bloggers out there, but special thanks to the friends I’ve made over the past year in this little community of ours. You guys are truly an inspiration to keep writing and provide content that hopefully exlicits a few chuckles or a hearty guffaw. 

But enough of the sentimental bullshit.  You read me to laugh.  I’m a humor blog.  Much like the much ballyhooed Angry German kid of YouTube lore, you throw temper tantrums if I’m not funny. 

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So without further adieu, here is the “200th What Pushes My Buttons post”! (cheers, yells, whistles!)

A few things came to mind when I heard that a steampipe had exploded by Grand Central.  Knowing the magnitude of the event was pretty serious and people were injured and businesses were disrupted, I still couldn’t help but to make a few “puns” while downing beer after beer in the airport bar last night waiting out a 5 hour plane delay (drum roll please):

I didn’t know they turned Lexington Avenue into “Steampipe Alley”

Looks like today is a real “steam bath”.

New York City has just changed their official marketing song from “I Love New York” to “We’ve got ‘Steam Heat'”

Ok…that’s enough.  Thank you. Thank you.  I’ll be here all night.  Try the veal.

But seriously it was a scary situation for all those involved.  Undoubtedly the tickle in my throat today is due to some airborne asbestos floating around. 

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I think I’m getting the “black lung”

A few of you have asked me if I’m giving away any “presents” for my 200th blog celebration.  Well frankly that’s not in the budget yet…BUT what I do want to give you is…

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My dick in a box! Enjoy!

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On the road again… July 17, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in comedy, funny, video.
9 comments

Although I really can’t wait to get BACK from the road again. I’ve been down in Orlando for our annual sales meeting since Sun am. Yes, Orlando. In July. Needless to say I’m burnt crisp from 2 days spent on the golf course (i know, oh pity me!) But hence why I haven’t been able to share some fun with y’all. Actually I was just able to get internet access right now, but alas I have to head out for a client dinner in a little bit.

I’ll be back to tell some fun stories in a bit…but for now, enjoy this puppet rendition of Hasselhoff drunk on the floor. Haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. It’s a parody of Hasselhoff drunk on the floor that has been the “clip” around the net for the past few months.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUWkySpoEC8

Enjoy and hope to have a good update for you soon…especially being that my next post will be my 200th!!! Major milestone I guess…since ever other blogger seems to celebrate their 200th post.

“Disturb”ia June 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion, sarcasm, stupidity, television, video, weird.
23 comments

ESR-W sent me this link yesterday and she said she was too disturbed to look at it.

The website is: www.Fat-Man.org

Of course nothing is too disturbing for me so I took a gander. Egads! Here’s what the guy says on his site:

“Hello, and welcome to my website. My name is Chris but you can refer to me as Fat Man! This site is designed to showcase my supreme fatness. Below are videos you can watch showcasing my supreme fatness! Enjoy!”

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I’m disturbed in the fact that I share the same name as “Fat Man”. But anyone who says they “showcase their supreme fatness” is ok in my book.

To avoid grossing some of you out I won’t post the videos here. Although here are some of the captions of his videos so you get a feel of what you’re in for:

Here is a video of me improving my supreme fatness by eating chips and drinking beer!

Here is a video of me eating 10 hot dogs in just a few minutes!

Here is a video of me eating a pack of cookies even though I have diabetes!

Here is a video of me eating 9 delicious Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts!

In this video I store some Hot Pockets underneath my breast for later consumption!

Ok ok…that’s enough. You know what…I can’t resist.

Here’s the Hot Pockets video
Here’s the hot dog video

(Or go to the blogger version of this site to view the videos)

I was half-expecting Harry Carey to come into the room and say “hey,if you were a hot dog and you were starving would you eat yourself?”

Although in Fat Man’s case you know the answer would definitely be a resounding Marv Albert Yes!

But this kid is definitely disturbed. You can tell by watching the videos. I started out by laughing but then became just plain frightened for him. Especially eating all these sweets when he has diabetes. I love the fact that he’s like “watch me drink soda and eat cookies even though I’m about to drop dead due to diabetes”. That’s like David Blaine or Criss Angel saying “watch me fall from the Empire State Building, hurdling to the ground below without a harness!” One of the comments on YouTube was “I think he’s dead cause he hasn’t posted a new video in weeks”. Yikes!

I hope you’re still alive Fat Man. Because you’re an inspiration to us all!

For Real? June 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in comedy, common sense, critique, current events, funny, humor, opinion, sarcasm, stupidity, weird, world news.
16 comments

So get this…a New Zealand couple has been barred from calling their newborn son: “4real”.

Yes, they actually want to name their child “4real”.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070621/ap_on_fe_st/odd_new_zealand_baby_name

I mean…why not name their child 4real? There’s tons of famous people with numbers in their name. I mean look how famous 2Pac became! What about that guy 50cent? He’s done pretty well for himself. So why not 4real?

According to the article, the couple was told by New Zealand’s Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, that “names beginning with a number were against the rules”.

Against the rules? What rules would those be? Those rules that “society” imposed on us. Is there some sort of naming law out there we don’t know about? Does everyone need to be named “Bob” or “Jim” or “Mary”?

The Registry further states that the “rules are designed to prevent names that are likely to cause offense to a reasonable person”.

Yes because 4real is sooooooo offensive. Wait your name is 4real? Fuck you, you heartless bastard. Why don’t you just die!

At least 4real is easy to pronounce, unlike the names of some other people from other countries, like Madagascar.

Plus this kid could have all sorts of nicknames. Like “foe”…or “real”…or “four”. At least they weren’t thinking of naming him something like Oswipe. Or Dick (no offense to those Richard’s or Dick’s out there of course).

I think this just opened the door for all sorts of possibilities. It wasn’t too long ago that there was a big hubbub over that couple that wanted a corporate sponsor for their baby’s name.

In fact if I ever decide to populate this world with a child (heathen) then I may just throw out the naming book and be inventive.

How bout naming my child “4shizzle”? Or “2badtobegood”. Or “1+1=getoutofmyfacemothafucka”.

The possibilities are endless!

Something for Everyone June 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, breakfast, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, fashion, food, funny, humor, lunch, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, politics, restaurant, sarcasm, sex, world news.
22 comments

So it’s a beautiful Friday…although some of y’all have already headed out to the Jersey Shore or the Hamptons for the weekend. But for us poor folk who don’t hobnob with the masses, it’s time to find the little things that can make us happy this weekend. Like watching nannies show off their thongs in the park

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(picture courtesy of I Saw Your Nanny and Metadish.com)

I mean…jesus christ. How do you NOT know your pants are under your ass? Don’t feel the cold breeze coming in?

Although I don’t know who’s more at fault…the nanny for showing off her thong to the world or the perverted (i.e. smart) person who snapped her picture. Let the debate begin!

On the less “sexy” side of the news, for those who are avid SPAM eaters (and who Isn’t!) you’ll be happy to know that SPAM is causing a fast food war in Hawaii. (click on pic for article)

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According to the article: “Burger King is offering the Spam Platter — two slices of Spam nestled between white rice and scrambled eggs. The fast-food giant also offers the Croissanwich or Biscuit Sandwich with Spam.”

Good stuff. Although I tend to think I’d go for more of the “SpamMcMuffin” rather than the Spam and Rice platter. But that’s just me!

The article also mentions these fun facts:

“Hawaii residents consume more than 5 million pounds of Spam a year, an average of about six cans for every man, woman and child.”

“Spam ‘musubi’ — a slice of Spam atop a block of rice and wrapped in seaweed — is an island favorite sold at nearly every convenience store, including 7-Eleven. Spam fried rice is a local classic.”

“There are also more varieties of Spam sold in Hawaii than anywhere else. There’s Spam Garlic, Spam Bacon, Spam with Cheese, Spam with Tabasco, Spam Turkey and Spam Lite, which featured less sodium and less fat.”

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SPAM Musubi

Spam Lite. Nice. So that only has 800mg of Sodium and 35g of Fat per serving. Good to know.

Next time I go to Nobu I’m gonna insist they serve me some SPAM Musubi. If not I’m taking my Sake and leaving!

Btw…I still have that packet of SPAM on my desk. I can’t eat it until we win the SPAM business. Good thing the packet doesn’t expire until April 2009! Then again I thought SPAM never went bad. Hmm…

In other, other news…apparently there’s a new code for business attire in the middle east. Suits and dress clothing have been replaced with fatigues, masks and guns.

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New office attire announced in Gaza

About damn time. That would be perfect in my office since we have plenty of guns and camo lying around. Don’t know how well the whole mask/covered face thing would go over…but I guess we’ll find out!

Still ringing… June 14, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in baseball, brooklyn, comedy, critique, eating, food, funny, games, humor, lunch, movies, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, restaurant, sarcasm, sports, television, yankees.
16 comments

So its 1:45pm and my ears are still ringing. Somebody make it stop!!!

This wasn’t the first time my ears were left ringing (in a bad way) after a Yankee game. As you’ll remember back on April 30th, when I spoke about those “children” (i.e. heathens) who got into a screaming match above and below me.

So far today I’ve thought someone called my name, twice (neither time it was for me), I’ve heard the phone ring a few times (wasn’t ringing) and I think I even heard someone whisper “Rosebud” (I haven’t seen Citizen Kane in over a decade). So needless to say my ears are still way out of tune.

The only salvation I’ve had today was a nice plate of chicken parm from Bella Napoli.

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You don’t get much better than Bella Napoli as far as chicken parm is concerned (i haven’t gotten around to my story on the best chicken parm in the city yet…i will soon though. promise!). You can either get a chicken parm hero or a plate matched with ziti or salad. I opted for the salad today since I can’t afford to be sleeping on my keyboard this afternoon. The salad with nice and fresh, with big beefy tomatoes and fresh cucumbers, despite the fact that I splashed balsamic vinegar all over my desk. Definitely worth a visit for a nice lunch (and reasonable too – under $7 for the combo) or quiet dinner if you’re over in the midtown area. They make some mean pizza too, as evidenced by the lines that are out the door on a daily basis.

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If you donta go to the bella napoli i’m gonna send the vito afta your assa. Capice?

Btw…just looked up Capice (pronounced ka-pea-shh) in the Urban Dictionary:

“Capice: Asking for agreement, understanding, belief. Answered with itself. Often used in italian mafia-type settings to emphasize understanding.”

Example:
Frank: “If you dont shutup, im going to bust your frickin head open with a baseball bat, capice?!”

Tony: “Capice”

Haha…awesome…gotta love the Urban Dictionary! Wonder if I can use Capice as a Scrabble word someday??? Hmm…I can imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Capice (on the board)

Opponent: Capice? That’s not a word!

Me: Capice is a fuckin word you fuckin asshole. Now that’s 27 points with the Triple Word Score. Put it in the fuckin books. Capice?! (brandishing my baseball bat, pocket knife and molotov cocktail).

Opponent: Ok…ok…it’s a word.

“Sue” City June 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, celebrities, comedy, critique, current events, funny, humor, movies, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, sarcasm, stupidity, subways, television, video, world news.
20 comments

So last night I saw that Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) is being sued again based on a clip that appeared in the movie Borat. The man doing the suing is Jeffrey Lemerond, a 31 year old geeky Wall Street financial analyst, who was shown in the movie running furiously away from Borat as he tried to give him a hug. Obviously Mr. Lemerond, who went to “Dartmouth” and therefore has no sense of humor, has suffered “public ridicule, degradation and humiliation” as a result of his appearance in the film. Apparently he’s suing on grounds he never gave consent to appear in the film.

Here’s the link to the article and also the video clip from the movie and analysis from CNBC: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19103391/

Well of course they never got consent you douchebag…you were too busy running your ass off like a chicken shit. I think the other guy who told Borat he’d “break his fucking face” if he tried to touch him looked like even more of a douchebag in the movie (douchebag IS the word of the day btw).

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The word of the day is Douchebag!

The New York City scenes in the movie cracked me up, probably because I live here…but the chicken on the subway scene was great. Especially when he told the passengers “Be careful he bite” as the chicken was flying around the subway. I need to get the movie on DVD…I’m cracking up just thinking about it.

Anyway, point is, yes these guys made a big fool out of themselves in a movie that millions saw around the world. But you know what, they should embrace the fact that they looked like douchebags (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!). I’d be like, yeah, I ran from Borat…but I’m a “celebrity” now. I mean look at William Hung. He made more of an ass out of himself than anyone in recent history and now he’s got his own record deal and will forever be “infamous”.

I’m sorry that the little sissy got his feelings hurt. He didn’t know his running away act was gonna be filmed for one of the most popular movies of all time. But maybe he should of stopped and talked to Borat instead of running away. I mean he must have saw the camera right? He could have said sorry I don’t want to appear in this movie. And that would’ve been the end of it. Better yet, they could have easily just had the camera running on a tripod and filmed his likeness walking by, and thus he would’ve been in the movie.

Hell, most of us have probably been in movies or TV shows walking around in the background of some street scene. Not all movies are filmed in roped off little areas. Sometimes you just get establishing shots with people walking by. You think everyone in the movie Midnight Cowboy signed a release to appear in the film? How bout Tootsie? Thousands of people were filmed walking down the streets in those movies. Some were probably picking their nose or wearing embarassing clothing. Did they sue? No.

So the fact that he ran is really his fault. Maybe next time he shouldn’t be such a mama’s boy. Although he’s making even more of an ass of himself now by suing. Just look at this headline (click image to read the article):

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Ouch! I mean really…Jeffrey. Look what you’ve done now! Instead of just taking a ribbing from people that know you, now you’re getting lambasted all over the internet. Good work. Hope that lawsuit goes well for you. You’ve should have just said, you know what guys…I’m a pussy. I ran away like a chicken shit. But you know what…at least I’m famous now. Nope…instead he’s crying wolf. And you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf. He got his ASS BEAT!!!

Dancin Fool June 1, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, dancing, fashion, funny, humor, music, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, signs, stupidity, television, video, world news.
29 comments

Before I begin…a big asshole of the day goes to the lady who blatently cut me off on the way up the stairs getting off the 6 train at 33rd street this morning. Not only did she cut me off when there was no one behind me. She then proceeded slowly up the stairs in the middle of the stairway so I could neither pass her left or right. Then when she got to the top of the stairs, she was confused about where she was so she just stopped and stood there while I almost plowed into her. Then she shuffled her feet slowly in the same direction I was heading. Thanks lady…so glad you cut me off only to not know where the fuck you’re going. Smart move.

Anyway…today is Friday…which is casual Friday in my office. So that means you can wear jeans (no official verdict on whether Hawaiian shirts are allowed). However today I’m breaking the rules. I’m being a rebel. I’m wearing shorts. Yes shorts. Why? Because why should guys have to suffer wearing collared shirts and pants why girls get to wear next to nothing on hot summer days. Like it’s fair that I have to sweat my ass off in pants on a 90 degree day while some girl gets to wear a wife beater and a loose skirt. As Al Bundy would say…No Ma’am! Granted some may say they don’t want to see a guy’s flabby arms and hairy legs…and girls are much better to look at. But I have nice legs…so why shouldn’t I be able to show them off too? Plus there’s next to no ventilation in this office so I’d be a much more productive employee at a cooler temperature rather then having to worry about sweating through my shirt and pants. So today, shorts it is unless someone has the guts to tell me otherwise. I think I smell a reform in the workplace coming on. Men of the world UNITE!

So I was shocked to see that Akeelah didn’t win the spelling bee last night. I knew it was rigged! But I got home in time to watch the last finalists duke it out. Here’s one of the last contestants getting bounced from the competition (or go to the Blogger version of this site to view the following videos):

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2527567600035075882

And here’s the eventual champion spelling his final word for the title.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4051975443193252341

Although if you didn’t see it, the new champion, Evan O’Dorney gave one of the worst post winning interviews ever. Granted he was probably in shock. But Stuart Scott asked him what prepared him for this competition. And the kid, stumbling with a “just going through puberty like any teenage boy would voice” was like…umm…i like math…and the construction of math equations helped me learn how to break down words. It was painful to listen too. I actually turned the TV off. Poor kid. But congrats to him. You’re now gonna be forever known as that Spelling Bee kid. Good luck getting your ass kicked in High School…see how fast you can spell wedgie.

The other painful TV moment last night came during Do You Think You Can Dance. I flipped through the channels just in time to see this doozy of an audition:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4664833158521124069

Um…yeah…she got moves that’s for sure. She put Chris Brown too shame fa shizzle for nizzle. Although what you missed in this clip was Shane (one of the judges) saying…Do you know this competition? Do you know what we’re looking for? The girl shook her head no. We’re looking for athletic dancers. Not overweight dancers. You’re gonna get killed on this show.

Ouch…brutually honest. Had this been American Idol there would have been a huge uproar. But since no one is watching Think You Can Dance, I’m sure not a peep will be made. Not even from the Fat Persons of America Coalition. But definitely a very “holy crap did he just say that” TV moment right there. Good stuff.

Anyway, it’s Friday. The weekend is here. Time to slather on that tanning oil or SPF 2000 and soak up some rays…and some alcohol! Remember, as this sign says:

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Your liver is evil and must be destroyed!

Enjoy your weekend everyone

Things that make you go hmm…. May 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, common sense, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, signs, travel, weird.
29 comments

So Juliana sent me this link yesterday to a picture posted in a Belgium playground.

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Innocent enough playground description right? Children holding hands. Playing on swings. Fucking each other up the ass.

I guess that’s what they call the Belgium Dip? I mean really though…I know sexual rules are less stringent in Europe than they are here but starting at the playground…that’s a bit too early, no? You can say, oh, they’re just describing a wheelbarrow game. But honestly, how close do you get to the person who’s legs you’re holding during the wheelbarrow? Close enough to have your dick in their ass? I think not. You’re holding by the ankles…maybe the calves. Unless you’re hung like Ron Jeremy I don’t think you’re getting close enough to penetration. Could you see this picture in an American playground? Bad enough kids are having sex starting at 13 these days. Don’t need to be giving them new positions to try out!

Anyway…it reminded me that I forgot to share a few silly pictures from my London adventures with y’all. Oops. Here’s some more pictures/signs that will hopefully make you laugh a little on this “hump” day (Wednesday is often called “hump” day since it falls in the middle of the week – for those a little slow on the uptake).

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Nothing says entertaining your guests like a little “cockfighting”

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Remember, people with chlamydia feel healthy, just like you do!

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Take me to Cockfosters, pronto!

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Taken in a London “loo”…”Sir, would you care for a hot towel, mint, condom?”

Fuckin Hysterical May 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, funny, humor.
21 comments

So I have to leave on a plane to Nashville, in oh, about 6 hours from now. But I know if I go to sleep I might not wake up…but if I don’t sleep, tomorrow will be a miserable day.

Ugh…hate decisions like that! Anyway, wanted to share something hysterical with you before I head down to Graceland for the weekend.

Go to: LaurieKendrick.com and read the story about the Clothes Hamper.

Let’s just say Laurie told a true story about a friend who was stuck in a clothes hamper in the bathroom in her house while her father was taking a shit.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Yeah…you read that right. Her friend basically got dutch ovened. In a clothes hamper. In the bathroom. While someone was taking a shit. Hysterical…I read it like four times over just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.

Basically I can’t top that story at 1am EST, especially after downing about 6 beers earlier. So for your daily humor fix…at least for those stuck working during a 90 degree day tomorrow, please visit Laurie’s blog. It’s good shit (no pun intended).

I’m off to Nashville to find Elvis…enjoy your weekend everyone!

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By the way…that’s me doing my best “skydiving/flying Elvis” impersonation a few years back. I’ve done better…but pretty funny considering I was about to go skydiving. Although a white suit with sequins would have been more appropriate. But you get the point.