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Ridin with the ‘po-po’ September 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, coffee, current events, dogs, eating, food, humor, new york city, pedestrian behavior, television.

So last night was pretty adventurous. My “good citizenship” kicked in again as I was witness to a “small time crime” last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few ‘utes’ break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin’ around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said ‘utes’ had taken a “long metal instrument used to climb” and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i’m not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity – you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas…don’t need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to “take a visual”.

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing “fit the bill” but I couldn’t make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn’t make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken to and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit…let me tell you, for those who haven’t been in the back of a copcar there’s NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I’m not even that tall. Anyone over 6’2″ would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn’t say dick because they don’t give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I’d make a good cop…although I’d prefer to be a undercover or “rogue civilian” cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of “petty” crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers…apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald’s burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).

I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should’ve thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn’t a donut that had a certain “sugar-like substance” spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the “powderly sugar” goodness. Of course I’m talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I’m sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.

And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn’t you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn’t become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I’m a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it’s very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that’s probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinklely and her face was compressed like a pug’s is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):


In the “P’Zone” July 12, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, coffee, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, lunch, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, restaurant, television.

Before I get into the “zone”, it was like I hit the lottery this morning. There was no line at Starbucks (although by the time I left the line was out the door) and I even got a free Women’s Health wristband for a promotion they’re doing this weekend!

Seriously, what else could a guy ask for?? It’s like I stepped in shit today (actually true story – I almost did…wasn’t looking down and thankfully last second I nimbly avoided the pile of poo). Actually maybe I fooled the “stepped in shit gods” into thinking I actually stepped in shit when I in fact avoided it! Hmm…I’ll see how my luck the rest of the day goes before confirming this theory.

Anyway on this past Tuesday I had the pleasure of attending the first Pizza Hut P’Zone Eating Challenge which took place right here in the NYC.

The contest, put on by Pizza Hut as a promotion for their P’Zone, invited anyone in the nation a chance to compete against Kobayashi in a pizza eating challenge.

The drawing, which was done at random, was soliciting amateur eaters a chance to go up against one of the all-time eating legends.

The lucky winner? Marivic Stewart from Spokane, WA, a married mother of two, who was partaking in her first competitive eating battle.

The challenger however wasn’t Kobayashi, who was still suffering the effects of a recent jaw injury and could not compete (Pizza Hut is claiming the thickness of their P’Zone would be too much for Kobayashi’s jaw to handle). Marivic’s challenger was none other than the man himself, Joey Chestnut.

Kobayashi explaining that he won’t be competing

The challenge was to eat as many P’Zone’s as you could in 6 minutes. While I’m not at privilege to disclosure the results of the competition (the information, as well as video from the event will be released on Friday the 13th), you can make your own assumptions about who the victor was.

Regardless of not being able to report on the “official results” just yet it was a fun event, and I was among the small crowd who watched the proceedings carefully. The event wasn’t open to the public, but through some friendly contact from the PR Director of Pizza Hut, I was able to learn about the location.

I also got a chance to meet the new American hero, Joey Chestnut, live and in the flesh. Also in attendance in the room were none other than Kobayashi himself and fellow IFOCE competitive eaters Eric “Crazy Legs” Conti and Tim “Eater X” Janus.

Three of the best eaters in the world in one room: Crazy Legs, Joey Chestnut and me!

Besides the eaters, there were only some members of the media (who taped the festivities for Pizza Hut and the MLE – Major League Eating) and some of Kobayashi’s interpreters and PR agents. Being that I was the MOST influential “media” in the room (after all I do have the “best blog” in NYC right? Ok maybe it’s more like the best blog among blind lepers, but that counts for something right?) I had the ability to be among the privileged few to witness the best eaters in the world up close and personal (until they started letting the general public in by giving away free P’Zones…but even then people had no idea what was transpiring, took their free P’Zones and left. Idiots)

After the competition ended and the competitor who shall remain nameless took home the title, I headed back to my office with P’Zone in hand.

I had the Pepperoni stuffed P’Zone. After watching the competition and being in the same room with boxes and boxes of pizza smelling goodness, and no doubt inspired by the eating prowess I shared a room with, I made quick work of the P’Zone in front of me. Joey himself would have been proud.

All in all it was a great day. Got to say hello to the greatest eaters on the planet and got to watch Joey himself chow down in an intimate setting. It certainly wasn’t like the 20,000 plus people who crammed into Coney Island to watch him shatter the world Hot Dog eating record, but standing no more than 30 feet away from the man himself with 20 other people in the room at most was completely fine by me.

Out of it June 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, breakfast, coffee, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, weird.

I’m completely out of it. Once again I blame the humidity. This morning walking over to the train we passed this pimped out yellow Corvette. I barely even noticed it when Bridget said “that’s hysterical”. As I walked by I noticed that emblazened on the windshield in graffiti type lettering it said “Mr. Cock”. After twenty steps or so Bridget was like “You’re not gonna take a picture of that?” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. Maybe I was still sleeping. But seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been all over that this am. Like, that writing was kind of big, maybe he’s a BIG Cock. Or maybe he should change his name to Mr. Blank A Doodle Doo. But nothing.

But I’m not the only one struggling this morning. Most people couldn’t even make it up the subway stairs at 33rd street. Everyone is moving in slow motion. I swear I almost had to pick the guy up in front of me and carry him up the stairs. You know people are struggling when the line at Starbucks is 3 times as long as it normally is. I went to get an Iced Latte in hopes it would jolt me, but the line was ridiculous. At least 50 people long. Fuck that. I went and got Naked instead.


Yes…with “a pound of fruit in every bottle” who needs coffee? With heart healthy omega-3’s and over 1,000 mg of potassium i’m rejuvenated and ready to roll. It also contains 570 mg of something called Red Algae in it. Actually on the side of the bottle they refer to it as “red sea algae”.

I did some research and lo and behold “Red algae is marketed to treat candida, herpes simplex virus and other chronic ailments”. It’s also the same algae that helps make the Red Sea red. Huh. Who knew.

Is this a worker from Naked collecting red sea algae?

But I’m glad that by drinking the stuff I’ll be reducing my risks of genital herpes and yeast infections. Cause lord knows there’s nothing worse than a yeast infection. Can’t have that bitter beer taste in your mouth.

Ok…wait…so that came out completely wrong. I was trying to make a joke about beer and the yeast in it and how if you drink bad beer you could get a “yeast infection”. But y’all are gonna think I was talking about performing oral on a girl that has a yeast infection and that would give you a bitter taste in your mouth.

Ok…on that note…I think I’m gonna lay low for a while. I’ll be back once everyone is done throwing up all over their keyboard.

Terrible call…just terrible May 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, baseball, breakfast, coffee, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, sports, stupidity, television, video, yankees.

So last night I was at the Yankees game with Bridget, Paul and Juliana (thanks to Juliana for getting corporate seats for last night’s game that were only 13 rows off the field allowing me to scalp my meager bleacher seats). In typical Yankees fashion they failed to score any runs with runners in scoring position, leaving the bases loaded once and leaving 6 runners in scoring position for the game. Just one hit in that situation would have yielded at least one run – but clutch this team is not.

Anyway, they actually got a decent pitching performance from their rookie starter Matt DeSalvo, who went 7 strong innings, only giving up 1 run on 3 hits (2 of which came in the first inning). Nursing a 2-1 lead in the 8th, Kyle Farnsworth came on to pitch. With two outs, Jose Vidro hit a cheap ground ball up the middle just past the reach of Jeter. Willie Bloomquist came on as a pinch runner for Vidro. What happened next will go down as one of the worst calls in major league history – and I was there to witness it first hand.

Bloomquist tried to steal second. Posada’s throw was on line and Robinson Cano applied the tag in plenty of time to tag out the stealing Bloomquist. However the umpire called him safe.


Take a look at this picture.


How many feet was he out by? Three? Four? And he was called safe.

You can view the video recap of the game to see the replays

Granted the game is played at full speed, but still, it was plainly obvious to everyone in the stadium that he was out by a mile. Even using the cardinal rule of “the ball beating the player” would have been excuse enough to call him out. But come on dude that wasn’t a hard one to make. It wasn’t even close to being a “bang bang” play. The umpire, Gerry Davis, flat out blew the call. Mr. Davis will now go down in infamy as making one of the worst umpiring calls in recent memory. Right there along with the infamous Don Denkinger call in game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Cardinals and the Royals that ultimately cost the Cardinals the game and the series.


There’s also a famous portrait out there that shows an ump making a safe call at first when the player was out by a few feet. It wasn’t a Normal Rockwell, but something similar. Despite searching this “wealth of information” we call the “internet”, alas I can’t find shit on it. But I used to have the damn picture so I know it exists. Maybe I’ll have to dig it up tonight at my parent’s house.

Anyway, back to the game. Much to my surprise, Don Mattingly, who was filling in as manager due to a suspended Joe Torre, didn’t come out to argue the call. Cano hopped away thinking he made the tag but didn’t raise a fuss. The call was that bad it was shocking. But the Yankees lack any fire and passion this season so they didn’t argue the call. If I were them I’d be hopping mad. I’d scream in the umps face. Make him throw me out. But nope, they went along with their “gentlemanly play”. If that was Paul O’Neill out there he would’ve argued until they carried him off with police escorts. Same with Billy Martin or Lou Pinella. But nope…this team has a much passion as a quilting night at a senior citizens home.

You know damn well Zimmer would’ve protested the call last night, helmet and all

Granted, the call was completely terrible, but you got to score more runs than 2, especially with the offense the Yankees have.

But the game will be remembered for the bad call. Even if it’s “only May” and the call was not made in a crucial playoff or World Series game thus it may not get the attention it deserves. But it should. Because it should go down as one of the worst baseball calls of all time.

Thankfully for my own sanity I had the salvation of a Starbucks Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte this morning to put me in a better mood. That, along with an Apple Fritter (with its 0 grams of fat – its much better than it looks btw!), made my morning much cheerier thanks to the impending sugar rush that came along with the meal. Oh Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Whipped Cream, how do I love thee, let me count the ways!


Post Blog Note: Apparently umpire Gerry Davis admitted to blowing the call.

“The throw was to the first-base side and pulled Robinson toward me a little bit, so I couldn’t see the runner’s hands. Normally when the runner is tagged on his backside, his hands are at the bag. That obviously wasn’t the case tonight,” Davis said.

Umm…yeah, but how do you miss something that far off? I mean it would be different if Bloomquist was closer to the bag, but the ump “assumed” that the runner was safe because the tag came on his legs. Come on. Umpiring 101 says you need to watch the play or get in position to make a call. Not just assume that because the tag was on his legs the runner was safe. Especially when he was 4 feet off the bag. Bushleague.

Part of a nutritious breakfast May 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, coffee, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, rachel ray, random references, sarcasm, television, weird.

Growing up we all saw those “nutritious breakfast” commercials. Where the mother and children are sitting at the kitchen table and the children have a whole smorgasbord of food in front of him to start their day off right. You know the whole “part of a nutritious breakfast” plugs that the cereal companies normally advertised. The ones that contained:

The bowl of cereal

The slice of toast

The scrambled eggs

The glass of OJ

The apple or orange

The occasional slice of bacon

I have to say as I child I tried to have a nutritious breakfast each day before school. Normally it was a bowl of cereal since that was the quickest and easiest. But it wasn’t your healthy cereal, like Corn Flakes or Bran Flakes or Raisin Bran or Chex. Nope, my fat ass wanted the Golden Grahams, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the Crunchberries, the Count Chocula or the Frosted Flakes that were always being advertised. Two scoops of raisins? Wheat and corn double sided Chex? Nigga please. More like 10 scoops of sugar for me. The more sugar, the better! Or if I was running late and needed to run out of the door quickly, the pack of sugar laded Pop Tarts more than did the trick.

Cereals such as Fruit Brute and Post Mortems are all part of your child’s nutritious breakfast

On weekends? Well my friends, that was time for cholesterol heaven. My weekend breakfast courtesy of my dad or grandmother was either fried salami and eggs or corned beef hash and eggs or butter laden French toast. All the healthy stuff that sits in your stomach all day never to be digested.

Nothing says healthy breakfast like a side serving of Corned Beef Hash

But these days who has time for healthy and nutritious breakfasts? I mean most of us are on the go, eating whatever is quickest and most convenient. Myself included. My breakfast mostly consists of a deli bought egg & cheese or toasted bialy/bagel. Or if I’m in a rush, the cup of tea and donut/buttered roll from the street vendor. Hardly the breakfast of champions, I know. Hell, even Rachel Ray herself, the queen of the quick meal, now endorses Dunkin Donuts, who basically make a living promoting breakfast on the go.

So the other day I actually got up early enough to make myself a “nutritious” breakfast. Shocking, even for myself. But since I’m the “omelet master” thanks to my days being a short-order cook at a Bagel shop up by Marist, I can whip up breakfast fairly quickly. So I whipped up a one-egg yolk/two egg white omelet (less yolks means less of that cholesterol nonsense everyone’s worried about these days) with cheddar cheese. For my “meat” requirement I sizzled up two slices of South Beach Diet approved Turkey Bacon. And I even was able to add in the quintessential breakfast “must-haves” in the way of Soy Chocolate milk and a healthy glass of OJ.

I could’ve filmed one of those “healthy breakfast” commercials with the meal I whipped up

But unfortunately I eat these types of breakfasts too few and far between. But I take comfort knowing that I’m not alone. I did a Google search this am on nutritious breakfast. And I found some good ones I’d like to share with you today. After all, wasn’t Friday always “show and tell” day at school? Although I think they banned show & tell in my elementary school once one kid pulled down his pants and said this is what my daddy told me to show the girls to impress them. Ok, maybe the kid just pulled down his pants and didn’t say anything. But either way, show & tell was banned ok??? Anyway, here are some delicious breakfast ideas sure to get your day off to a fast moving start!

1. Everything you could ever need to get your day off to a great start. Once you’ve filled your stomach with eggs, bacon, sausage and the all-important tator tots, then you can move onto the glazed scone, muffins and french toast sticks. This my friends is what breakfast is all about!

2. Stack em high and stack em proud! Nothing says “get me ready for a light day on my feet” more than a short stack of pancakes. Add the extra syrup for a sugar rush and you’re ready to pound the pavement!

3. Sunny side up egg, toast, 2 sausage links, 2 slices of bacon. Oh hell yeah – that’s breakfast! But wait…don’t forget about the grilled tomato, the vegetable puree, the homefries patty and the sauteed mushrooms! Nothing says breakfast like mushrooms!

4. Umm….yeah…not sure where this fits into the traditional American breakfast of carbs and cholesterol. Fruit? That’s for wussies! Portion control? What’s that? Everything about this breakfast is a big thumbs down. Except for the fish. Besides, what’s more quicker and convenient than chewing on a raw fish for breakfast! Plus it fills your daily need for fish oils!

5. Now, that’s more like it! Eggs benedict! That quintessential American breakfast. The creamy, fat filled Hollandaise sauce. The indigestion-bearing Canadian Bacon. The poached eggs and English Muffin. Yum-O! Add in a side of home fries and if you must, some melon, and my friends you’re ready to take on the world and go shopping for that skin-tight bathing suit for the summer! Make sure to down a few Bloody Mary’s before you go so you’re extra-skinny when you try on that two-piece or that speedo!

A simple “Thank You” would’ve been nice April 5, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, breakfast, coffee, common sense, critique, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior.

So I’m walking into the side entrance of my building this morning after acquiring my morning breakfast. Our side entrances are magnetic key card entry only. I open the door and look back to see if anyone is coming towards the door to save them the hassle of digging up their ID card. I see this guy about 25 feet away coming towards the door. He’s carrying a coffee, a newspaper, his briefcase and another bag with his breakfast presumably. I see that he’s struggling to walk so I wait by the door and hold it open for him, figuring that he’d probably drop his coffee or something if he tried to open the door himself. I wait about 4-5 seconds and he comes to the door.

He enters the building and I say nothing and start walking. Although I expected something. A “thank you”. Or “thanks”. Or “much appreciated”. Nothing. Not even a head nod. I would have taken the simple nod as a sign of appreciation. I mean I waited at least what the “acceptable” waiting time for holding a door for someone would be.

What is acceptable door holding waiting time you ask? Well that depends. Generally if you know the person is coming into your building behind you within the next 5 seconds, it’s a given that you should at least attempt to hold the door open for them (unless you happen not to like that person). Anything over 5 seconds is very generous. Ten seconds is a great gesture. Anything above 10 seconds is very generous although not completely necessary, unless you:
a)know the person
b)see they have a lot to carry and would struggle to open the door
c)see that they have a physical handicap

But if the person is able bodied and you don’t know them…if you’re holding the door for more than 15-20 seconds you’re being extremely generous. Either that or your just jonesing for a compliment. Or you’re just trying to “pay it forward” and hope that good karma comes back to you later in the day.

Anyway, so this prick basically didn’t say anything. I decided to let it slide since it’s in the morning and he had a lot in his hands.

I swipe myself into my building and go into the elevators. We have two elevator banks, a local and an express. My floor (10) is both a local and express stop. But normally I take the local cause its less crowded. Our elevators wait on the ground floor until another elevator in the bank comes down before that one goes up. So I’m waiting in the elevator for a good 15 seconds and finally the doors begin to close. Suddenly I see someone walking towards the door so I put out my arm to open the door. It’s the same guy, with his coffee, briefcase, newspaper and bag. What do I get as a thank you? Nothing.

Fucking nothing.

No “thanks”. Or “thank you”. If he was a fuckin mute I would have accepted a head nod. Nope, just a blank stare after he pushed the button for his floor.

Are you fucking kidding me? I held the door open for you not once but twice. And you can’t even respond with a simple thanks? Fucking asshole. I mean I could have easily just let both doors slam in his face leaving him to fend for himself. But nope, I saw his hands were full so I decided to help him out. Maybe he didn’t want my help? Well that’s not my fault. He could have acknowledged that I made his life a little easier this morning and saved him from spilling his precious Starbucks all over himself. Even if he was an arrogant scumbag (which apparently he is) a quiet nod of appreciation would have been a nice gesture. Am I wrong here?

I saw what floor you got off on asshole. You work for New York Newsday. Your paper sucks dick. Fucking prick. Why don’t you fall between the cracks of the LIRR and the platform and just end your miserable life. Asshole. I love it when these “tough guys” from Long Island come into the city and act like big shots. You know damn well if this was Great Neck or Ronkonkoma or wherever they’re from on the island, they would have held the door open at their precious little coffee shop and said “thank you”. Or “good day”. Nope…they come into the “big, bad” city and they need to act like fucking pricks.

Anyway, maybe he was in a sour mood because it was flurrying this morning. Or his maid showed up late. Whatever. He’s still a fucking asshole. I hope you choke on your cheaply produced paper. Your lucky I don’t remember what you look like. Cause next time I’ll slam the door on your fuckin face.

Have a pleasant day everyone…and remember to be kind to each other out there.

Post blog note: As of 2pm EST i’ve held the door open for 5 different people and they all said thank you.

That’s why I’m even Steven January 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in coffee, humor.
1 comment so far

So walking into Starbucks this am…and wait, no line??? What? Are you kidding? I mean it’s 8:30 am and there’s no line. Did someone yell rat or something? Anyway I order a Gingerbread Latte and I was told they’re out of gingerbread (they’re also out of coffee – haha). Anyway, in a mild panic I ask blindly if the Cinnamon Dolce Latte is back? YEP! Bingo! I haven’t been to Starbucks in the past month…been trying to cut back on the latte intake, that and the lines have been ridiculous so this was a semi-miracle. Anyway, wouldn’t you know as soon as I order, the line behind me is 10 people strong. For once, good timing on my part.

I get my coffee and take no more than 20 steps outside of the store when I step into a mysterious chasm. The coffee pours over the top and all over my coat and pants. Figures. Good thing I get skim milk. And that cinnamon is a pleasant smell.

But that’s why I’m even steven. One thing good = one thing bad.

What is this, UNO? November 17, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in coffee, critique, humor.
1 comment so far

Firstly I apologize for the poor blog layout in the past month. Apparently Blogger switched over to Google and took some time to getting all the bugs out. But now it’s looking good…thank you Google for making the world a better place!

Anyway, so now that the gingerbread latte is back at Starbucks (i swear they put nicotine in these things they’re so addicting!) I’ve been temporarily lifting my boycott at Starbucks. Gingerbread and the Cinnamon Dolce latte are the best drinks they have…although at $5 per Venti (large) you’ll go broke in a day. Anyway, the last few times I’ve ordered, I wait patiently at “the bar” for the coffee and everytime without fail, 10 other people get their coffee before I do. I mean, some are easy than others…but this woman today who wasn’t even on line when i was…at least 10 people back, got her Gingerbread Latte before I did. The guy handed it to her, knowing full well i was waiting for the same…she was like oh i’m sorry, you were here first. Out of kindness I let her take it…and had to wait 4 more coffees before mine came along with a half hearted apology. I mean, this is at least the 4th time in a row that’s happened to me…luckily i haven’t pulled a Michael Douglas in Falling Down yet.

Anyway, I know I’m not a busty blond with my tits hanging out, nor a curvy latina with tight asshugging jeans, but dammit I pay $5 for a fuckin coffee, the least you can do is serve it to me before 20 other people get theirs. It’s unreal. I mean I wait my turn, stand aside, smile, say good morning to people, and I still get screwed. Doesn’t matter who’s serving me…guy or girl. It’s like they say, let’s make this poor schmuck wait and sweat it out a bit. Like I’m playing Uno and I keep getting skip. Or someone hits the Reverse before my turn. I mean the only reason I’m drinking your fuckin coffee anyway is it works better than Ex-Lax. Seriously. Try it sometime. Unless maybe that’s why mine take so long…they could be tainting it. Hmm…Fast Food Nation the movie is coming out soon…let the consipiracy theories begin!

Latte Bath October 24, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in baseball, basketball, coffee, critique, humor, opinion, sports.
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Sorry again for the long delay…been a crazy past couple of weeks. But now I’m back with some good stories to share.

So this am back in Starbucks (yes, my love/hate relationship with them continues – I’m just holding out until they bring back either the Cinnamon Dolce or Gingerbread Lattes…that’s like my kiddie crack!) and I’m putting sugar in my tall skim latte. The lady next to me is swirling her coffee around feverishly while adding sucar (sugar) to her megalargegrandemochalattechinoberry concoction. So you know what’s going next? Splash mountain. Luckily it was only on the counter and got on the back of my hand. But still, did she not see me next to her? And of course I get no apology. Luckily the foam splashed on me rather than the coffee itself. I look at her and she’s busy checking the consistency of her drink, oblivious to anyone around her (come to think of it she did look like a witch so perhaps that would explain it). At this point I don’t know whether to laugh, or choke slam her through the coffee bar. Anyway she leaves and I wipe up my hand however some frantic douchbag stands next to me and is trying to hold about 100 things in his hands while adding stuff to his coffee (what’s wrong with these people by the way…you can put stuff down on the floor once in a while – really, you can. The floor won’t eat your laptop or your coat or your paddington bear). Anyway in his mad panic to but Equal into whatever overpriced coffee he was drinking he knocks over the “sugar in the clear jar” thing that you normally see in diners. And guess where it lands. On the back of the same hand that just took a latte bath. You have to be kidding me right? At least he apologized unlike the mad scientist before him. But now that the back of my hand has been tar and feathered I’m off to a good start today. I’m glad my subtle hints of vanilla in my Hugo Boss have been replaced with Au D’Latte. Fuckin assholes.

Anyway, here’s my take on the whole Kenny Rogers thing. It’s well known in baseball circles that pitchers occassionally “doctor” the ball to get more break or spin on it. That’s been known since the game has been played. But for Rogers to say that the umpire didn’t mention the “discoloration” on his hand between innings, and rather Rogers claimed the conversation was about time between innings (why couldn’t he make up a better lie there…like he was asking about the family, or seeing where he wanted to grab dinner that evening). Anyway both Leyland and the umpire said the conversation was about the substance on his hand, which Rogers denies. So who’s telling the truth? Rogers? Or an 102 year old manager and an umpire? I mean looking at this picture it’s clear that Rogers has more substances on his hand than Bob Ross’ color palette. If you look closely you may see some happy little trees on his hand too.

Oh well, I guess one will never know for sure. Although some of his teammates had said it’s food on his hand. I don’t know about you but if there’s food on my hand I’d eat it. I wouldn’t save it through a few hours of sweating on a pitcher’s mound. However here’s some comments from Andy Van Slyke, a hitting coach for the Tigers about the “gunk” on Rogers hand:

“You know, he has a terrible habit,” Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke reported, “of eating Tootsie Rolls. And he happened to sit next to a heater.”

Right. That was probably it. And there are undoubtedly other possibilities, too. Like, well, chocolate cake. Tigers closer Todd Jones tossed that one out there Sunday night.

“No,” Van Slyke said, in instant denial mode. “You can’t bring cake on the bench. You’ve got to eat something with a wrapper on it.”

All right. How about soup? That’s about the same color as Rogers’ hand.

“Nope,” Van Slyke said. “No utensils allowed on the bench. But if we were playing in Japan, it might have been wasabi.”

OK, so if this were the Japan tour, we might be on to something. But since this is the World Series, that’s out.

So was there any chance, us media madmen persisted, that it might have been pine tar? And Van Slyke was just about the perfect person to ask, too, since he was seen in the dugout in what appeared to be a long, between-innings chat with Rogers after the first inning Sunday.

But in truth, “I wasn’t involved in the conversation,” Van Slyke quipped. “Just, when I shook Kenny’s hand, it took me 30 seconds to get unstuck.”

Last time I checked dirt isn’t exactly sticky. One bullpen coach suggested that it was pine tar on Rogers hand. He has a pretty interesting comment about players using sunscreen, lotion, ky jelly (well maybe not ky), but you can view that article here:

Anyway don’t want to beat this dead horse any further. All I know is that perhaps I should pitch for whomever team tonight…especially with the “sticky latte-based substance” on the back of my hand.

Also for all those people who were complaining that NO one would want to watch a Yankees vs Mets world series outside of New York cause no one would watch, feast your eyes on this: The St. Louis Cardinals’ 7-2 victory over the Detroit Tigers on Saturday night received an 8.0 fast national rating and 15 share, Fox said Monday, down 16 percent from the previous record low for an opener, a 9.5 for last year’s 5-3 Chicago White Sox win over the Houston Astros.

Tis all for now…I’ll be back with more fun and musings shortly.

Ass Explosion August 24, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, coffee, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion.

So as I sit here in the dark in my office (since I got in before electricity was discovered apparently) I’m sitting here laughing my ass off. Why? Well I just had another funny bathroom experience. Well funny or disgusting depending on who you ask. I think these things happen to me just so I have something funny to write about.

So again the story starts just as I walk in the bathroom. I hear a foot tapping on the ground and see the stall door closed. So I know that that’s my warning someone is in there (see my blog posting in June about bathroom signal behavior). Anyway what I hear next is the sound of exploding ass. I know we’ve all been there before with diarrea and really bad episodes on the potty…but this was probably the LOUDEST ass explosion I have ever heard. I mean I’m sure the blast lifted him off the seat. I didn’t hear anything else after that for at least 10 seconds so I thought either a) he died b) he was too embarrassed to make a sound. Meanwhile I hadn’t even gotten to unzip my fly to take a piss. So I decided to take one for the team and leave him in piece with a quick flush, wash and go. I feel sorry for the poor bastard…actually I feel sorry for his ass. We’ve all been there buddy. We wish you well.

So onto another event that made me mad this morning (btw I really haven’t had much to blog about the past couple of days hence the lack in posting…but today 2 events in one day! Jackpot!!) I was in Starbucks getting my morning blast of caffeine (Iced Skim Latte Mocha latta chino w/ triple shot of Turbo (btw I think the best merge of a franchise would be Starbucks and Jamba Juice. People would be flying off the walls!) Anyway, I get an iced latte and a apple fritter (sugar + apples + icey bun = goodness!!) and the total comes out to $5.01. I give the way too peppy this early in the am cashier a $20 and say sorry I don’t have any change. Well he preceeds to start to give me my $14 in bills and starts to dig out the 99 cents in change.

I was like wait, are you kidding. He said you don’t have anything, a nickel, dime? I thought to myself here’s this company that makes millions in dollars each day and he’s haggling me over a fucking penny?? Most delis run by foreigners that live and die by every penny would even just chalk up the loss. So I see the plastic cube they have at the register that had about 13 cents in there in pennies and nickels. So I used one of those. I don’t care that it’s their tip jar. If they are that stuck up for a fucking penny then they deserve to lose a penny tip. Ridiculous. I was on boycott of Starbucks for a long time and recently was sucked back in thanks to concoctions like the Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte and the Gingerbread Latte…but I may have to reconsider my boycott again. Plus all I really buy starbucks for is its supreme use as a Laxative. Although hopefully for my sake it doesn’t give me the exploding ass like I heard in the stall this morning. I prefer to keep my colon inside of my body thank you.

Anyway I’m flying to St. Paul today to visit our traveling Road Tour at the Minnesota State Fair. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of fun to share…including the latest in Mullet design.

Actually I think the Starbucks is starting to kick in already…forget Jamba Juice…they should merge with Metamusil or ExLax! Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if the “Mocha” is really just ground up exlax. I’ll have to investigate.

I’m off before I shart myself…