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Jaws of Life December 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, subways.

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph

Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?



1. Mr Blogger - December 4, 2007

ha…i hate when fat asses do that. it’s like listen, we’ll get out of your way just give us a second to move.

2. roger - December 4, 2007

was her belt size equator?

3. gary - December 4, 2007

her blood type was ROCKY ROAD!

4. Jason - December 4, 2007

Chris, this stuff only happens to you! I think you are a farting fat woman magnet!

My question is: Why did you not respond in kind? You could have had a fart off right there! Now that would have won you friends in the packed subway car!!

Seriously … she really farted right there?

5. chris - December 4, 2007

hah, funny guys. Quoting the Nutty Professor I see with Dave Chappelle?

Well there’s a full moon tonight!

Now we know who was eating Gilbert Grape!!

6. chris - December 4, 2007

Jason: yep…unless there was a minor earthquake in the subway tunnels, that was her ass. yeah i should have given her a parting shot as I got up from the seat…although at that point my intestines were still trying to crawl back into place after being crushed for a few minutes.

7. Laurie Kendrick - December 4, 2007

Subway farts are the worst. You’re shoved in there all compact….it’s either hot as hell or your freezing. Then it comes to a stop and you run out and above ground, gasping for fresh air…only to get a lung full of bus exhaust.

You then step in the Hep-C infected piss of a homeless man..

Ah, life in the city….fucking love it!!!


8. candice - December 4, 2007

ewww..so gross LK!

i can’t believe that lady crushed you like that! hah.

9. abarclay12 - December 4, 2007

This is hilarious. I can’t believe she dislocated your rib cage when she sat down – that’s messed up. But at least you got it back together, and I sure am glad you have feeling in your leg again.

10. mklasing - December 5, 2007

The LAST time I rode a bus in Houston a woman sat next to me, laid her pretty head down on her chest and fell asleep. She then slowly pinned me against the window as she continued to fall deeper into sleep. I tried to rib her but I had waited to long and had no leverage–this next part is absolutely true–within 30 seconds the emergency window I was pressed against flew off the bus into the freeway and my ribs crashed against the side rail of where the window used to be.

Let’s just say, if I had written your post it would look something like this. “One day this woman got on the bus and )(*$#)#(*)!(@*)(#*$%)(#*$)(#*$)(*%)(#&$)*(#%()*#)^(&#)*$#)(%#^%)^#$(*#$)(#*)(%&#)(*$#)(%#( window #)*$)#%&#)$(*#)(%&#)$(*#)(%#)(%#(&)#(%)(%&)(#&%”

11. candice - December 5, 2007

no way murphy!! that’s awesome! haha

12. tiffany - December 5, 2007

OUCH! That had to hurt murphy. Do you need me to kiss it and make it better??? 😉

13. mklasing - December 5, 2007

Yes I do!!! Sorry did that seem overly enthusiastic? 😉

14. mcmisura - December 6, 2007

Yet more evidence of global warming…

15. nikki - December 7, 2007

I can’t believe when people think it’s ok to rip ass know matter where they are. I recently was at dinner with a friend; we decided to eat outside at a little thai cafe. It was fantastic, but right after I paid the check I made the mistake of turning my face into the butt of someone walking on the sidewalk and she let one rip right in my face. She tried to apologize but she pretty much just got the hell out of there. We were so disgusted!!

16. chris - December 7, 2007

Nikki – now that’s gross. Did you move your head back and to the left afterwards?

17. tiffany - December 7, 2007

ha, not overly enthusiastic at all. i’d kiss it and make it feel much, much better 😉

18. howie - December 7, 2007

back and to the left? hahaha nice

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