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Wacky Wednesday October 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, politics, random references, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, subways, weird.
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So on the subway this morning this guy sits next to me and starts reading the Post. He pulls out a carrot and starts chomping on it. Like, a full grown carrot, complete with brown spots and everything. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and it took him like 30 seconds just to chew and digest each bite before he’d chomp into the next bite.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone just start chewing on a carrot like that in the city…let alone on the subway. Most citiers get those presliced carrots…or they wash the carrots they buy and maybe peel off the outer layer. But this guy was chomping through, dirt and all.

Then on my way into my building I’m walking behind this woman who is obviously having a tough morning. She’s juggling her two bags, laptop and cup of starbucks and pretty much holding up pedestrian traffic. Oh and she’s also on the phone, one of those ear piece thingys. Anyway I overhear her say “yeah, it sucks, my space bar isn’t working…i mean how can you not have spaces. It’s like an important key. It’s not like an A or something”.

Iknowthespacebarisaveryimportantkeyandallbutseriously,isitmoreimportant
tobemissingspacesorisitmoreimportanttobemissingthelettera?

But of all letters she chose to call out, why the letter A? Don’t the vst mjority of the words we use contin the letter A? (3 A’s would have been used in that sentence alone!) Why didn’t she just say it’s not an important key, like the F11 button. Or the letter Z. Or any of those useless keyboard keys, like Pause/Break or Windows Start?

So I’m dedicating today’s blog post to the letter A.

A is in, asshole why don’t you think before you speak next time.

In other breaking news, a “coon” is running for president.

Now WAIT…before you go running off calling me racist and think I’m talking shit about Obama…I’m talking about a raccoon. As in the animal.


Can a raccoon be our next president?

It’s true. A raccoon by the name of “Key Coon” has already been endorsed by several influential bloggers, including one of our favorites, Laurie Kendrick.

In fact, early polls out of “Coonecticut” indicate that Key Coon has 68% of the popular vote, due to the fact that he has campaigned hard through the “Coonstitution State”.

Here at WhatPushesMyButtons, we have held back from declaring our support to any of the candidates for the ’08 election. But hopefully KeyCoon will be here to answer some very important questions our readers have in mind, like:

Would KeyCoon promote the growth of coontinuing education among today’s workers?

Could KeyCoon gain coontrol of the senate and the house?

What are KeyCoon’s plans to ease urban coongestion?

If he can answer those questions in a positive light, we may have no choice but to throw our support behind KeyCoon, who has unofficially been labeled, “The People’s Coon”.

And for those who have questions about the KeyCoon sex scandal, hopefully KeyCoon can address the issues upfront and honestly. Last thing we need is another president with a love of cigars and interns.


Can Keycoon overcome the sex scandals and make a run for presidency?

So go over to KeyCoon headquarters and let him know what your thoughts are about his run for presidency and stay tuned for more answers for your questions on his coongenda.

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Comments»

1. roger - October 3, 2007

hah…that girl sounds like an idiot…

hmm, a raccoon for president. very interesting. at least we’d know the country’s trash would be taken care of!

2. nincompoop - October 3, 2007

Well it’s not like we use the letter in every sentence! (See I just made a sentence without the letter A!)

3. janet - October 3, 2007

LMAO…haha…hysterical…a raccoon for president…he’s not serious right?!?!

4. The Bagel of Everything - October 3, 2007

Woo hoo! I’ll work up some banners. Perhaps a pan-blog campaign?

5. lauriekendrick - October 3, 2007

Bagel should be proud of her Daddy. KeyCoon has come a long way. Running for public office for his people was unthinkable two days ago.

We have progressed as a society

Finally..

And remember….”A vote for KeyCoon is a vote for KeyCoon”

He’s the Public Varmant!

LK

6. anonymous - October 3, 2007

I don’t think america is ready for a coon to be president

7. Mr. Blogger - October 3, 2007

I didn’t realize he had such popular support! I may be intrigued!

8. chris - October 3, 2007

Ouch Anonymous…so what are you trying to really say?

Bagel: Absolutely! I’d be happy to post some banners…as soon as Key is ready with his own campaign landing page let’s promote the heck out of it!

LK: Perhaps we can hand out literature when you come to NYC. Maybe Key can make an appearance too…we can sell lemonade in times square to draw the crowds in

9. trent - October 3, 2007

hmm…i’m leary of a raccoon that fucks dogs up the ass as our president…but hey, at least he’s not a bush! 😉

10. gary - October 3, 2007

woah…anonymous, easy on the racial undertones there!

well anyone laurie supports is good in my book!

look forward to jumping on the campaign bandwagon. hell, if fred thompson can be a president, why can’t a raccoon?

11. candice - October 3, 2007

I’m LOVING the idea…go for it raccoon boy!

that girl is a Grade ‘A’ Moron! heehee

12. mcmisura - October 3, 2007

SFseeksSMforproofredingndmore.Mustenjoydeepconverstions,
Strbucks,juggling,Scrbble

13. Chris - October 3, 2007

McMisura: good luck with your dting ventures…hopefully you’ll find the mn of your drems. 🙂

Trent: yeah, a garbage stealing, dog fucking raccoon may not make the best president…but i guess we’ve had worse candidates! 🙂

14. fred - October 3, 2007

so if that racoon and beagle had sex…would the offspring be a Reagal?

15. douglas - October 3, 2007

hey..if you can get the troops pulled from Iraq, you’ve got my votes KeyCoon!

16. trevor - October 3, 2007

I’d second that Douglas!

17. tiffany - October 3, 2007

oh brother…well this world is crazy enough…why not have a raccoon in the oval office!

18. bubba - October 3, 2007

hah…for a second i thought you were insulting obama…until i saw the picture of the racoon! funny shit my man

19. h-dog - October 3, 2007

that beagle is taking an ASS POUNDING! FA SHIIZZLLLEE

20. riley - October 3, 2007

when is that official keycoon for president campaign gonna launch?

21. redman - October 3, 2007

KEY COON! KEY COON! KEY COON!

22. steven a. jacoby - October 3, 2007

no vote for me…damn raccoons eat my trash all of the time…next time one comes around i’m unloading with my shotgun.

23. michelle - October 3, 2007

Since the raccoon is typically a trash eater, how does key coon plan to tackle obseity among today’s youth?

24. chris - October 3, 2007

Woah great question Michelle! Can’t wait to see Keycoon’s answer to that.

Although I heard he had an agenda to get youth more in shape. In fact keycoon was just seen playing basketball with some locals on the campaign trail

Mr. Jacoby: hopefully you’re not implying that you’d assassinate Mr Key Coon now, are you? 😉

25. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Good Citizens, Key appreciates the support from his new found coonstituency. I promise that noone will suffer from obesity unless they choose to, Michelle. If your child suffers from obesity, their parents should undergo the same diet/excercise/electro-torture side by side. Children, you are not alone in your suffering, your parents should join you if they can’t make time to take care of your physical health.
Jacoby: An assassination attempt! That means someone already hates me. I should have no problem winning this election by a large margin. Don’t get lost in the forest.

KeyCoon: Never Any Electile Dysfunction. Vote, show your support America, your Coon has spoken.

ps-thanks to marblecake1 for the campaign slogan. you can write one of my speeches. And I won’t attack your face. Also, Chris, thanks for the support. This coon is available for questioning.

26. The Bagel of Everything - October 3, 2007

wait
“an pan-blog campain?” ?
Chris, fix that for me, k?
Can’t have the first daughter lookin like a tard

27. lauriekendrick - October 3, 2007

This fucking beautiful!! Makes an old woman happy.

If I had a piece of KeyCoon, so should the nation! Excuse me? What was that? You don’t know how all this bestial lovin’ began?

Then please click here for pictures and a primer.

http://lauriekendrick.wordpress.com/2007/09/24/animal-husbandrysort-of/

I want nothing than to be….First Whore

LK

28. keywork. - October 3, 2007

LK: First Whore you are then.
@roger,gary: exactly.
@janet: damn right I’m serious.
@Mr. B: you may even vote.
@trent: I’m leary of someone who hasn’t done any of that.
@candice: we’re loving you too.
@fred: that offspring would be hunting down jacoby.

29. lauriekendrick - October 3, 2007

RILEY…it is official. THE KEYCOON FOR PRESIDENT campaign is on…up and running.

‘We’ll have his bio, more photos and the official KEYCOON website.

I’ll be including where you can make campaign donations, too! Namely, my bank account. Hey..FUCK OFF!! I need to get some thing out of this relaitonship. I love you Bage..but mommie needs more ..uh “medicine”: and a hot, younger bi-ped to inject it.

30. chris - October 3, 2007

Glad to see the official campaign is up and running. Let me and me readers know when the site is live and off the ground!

Key Coon: We’ll need your requisite mug shot in front of the american flag. And we’ll need a bus. Everyone has to have a campaign bus. No worries, we can pick up plenty of trash bags along the campaign trail so you’ll have plenty of garbage to filter through.

You know, I’m thinking of Frisky Dingo…if you haven’t seen it…well shame on fucking you. It’s the best animated “comedy” since family guy.

Adult Swim. Cartoon Network. Or watch all of the episodes online. Funny shit my friends and quite timely too since the main characters on the show are campaign for president as well.

Bagel: your grammatical correction has been made 😉

31. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Chris, I will make an effort to check it out. Shame on me. Yes, something patriotic, I like it. I also like garbage.

32. chris - October 3, 2007

oh and the official site is up:

http://kywork.blogspot.com/2007/10/raccoons-are-great-vote-kw-in-08.html

Feel free to stop by the site and show your support. With enough write in votes we can make a difference!

Flex those coonstitutional muscles and rock the vote!

33. roger - October 3, 2007

you guys are too much….funny shit…but if you’re seriously gonna run i’ll need to know your stance on the war and abortion. Oh and about officially naming friday hawaiian shirt day.

34. Mr. Blogger - October 3, 2007

Yeah, frisky dingo is an awesome show…love the presidential angle going on right now.

Yeah, i’m all for supporting the ‘coon in 08, just wanted to get your platform on health care reform. Will drugs be more readily available or will people like Laurie and myself have to run to canada every few weeks?

35. lauriekendrick - October 3, 2007

Mr Blogger you are correct sir. There should be Xanax in every pot and by pot I mean grass..weed….shit.

Having slept with the critter, I’ll see to it!

36. keywork. - October 3, 2007

@Chris: again, thanks for your support. I may have to put you on my cabinet. Literally.
@roger: There’s nothing funny about war and abortion. Unless you like to laugh about them. That’s pretty funny. Seriously, pro-choice, I don’t have the anatomical gear to understand the female side of it. (female voters swoon). War sucks, but we really need to get rid of Iran and Syria. Canada will be cut up into a bunch of states and stripped of their right to speak french. Sorry, guys, just want everyone on the same page. Friday is official Hawaiian Shirt Day!
@Mr. B: No one will ever have to go to canada again for any reason other than to check out The New United States of America. Drugs for everyone!

37. peter - October 3, 2007

what’s your stance on the mike vick situation…should he be put behind bars or should he be forced to campaign for the animal vote for you?

38. trent - October 3, 2007

Fucking sweet…i’m liking this coon already!

39. steven a. jacoby - October 3, 2007

i’m still gonna shoot your coon ass!

40. jeffrey sampson - October 3, 2007

hmm…well considering i have relatives in canada may have to warn them off your plans to slice and dice their country. i’m sure they’d be none too pleased, eh?

41. howie - October 3, 2007

hey…fuck canada!

42. chris - October 3, 2007

Key: You’re welcome…i’d sit on your cabinet anyday. Put me in charge of food services…i won’t disappoint.

Although I think we’re going to have to win over the minds and hearts of fur trappers. Coon skin is a hot commodity.

Also you’re going to need to stop disrupting the nests of waterfowl and upland birds. I know eating larve is among the staples of your diet but we need the hunting vote!

43. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Mike Vick: Have fun in jail! Watch out for broomsticks.
@trent: it is fucking sweet. I’m needing your vote already!
@jacoby: gotta find me first.
@jeffrey: I’m not killing anyone here,eh? They will enjoy ketchup on their french fries.
@howie: easy, don’t want to put them on watch.

44. chris - October 3, 2007

btw, if anyone needs to read up on raccoon behavior, please go here. It’s a great resource: http://www.hww.ca/hww2.asp?id=101

45. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Chris, I can cut down. Fake Coon Skin is in!

46. chris - October 3, 2007

oh and according to the reference i posted above, we’ll need lots of help in the rocky mountain region. Seems like there’s very little coons to be found there!

47. cowboy bob - October 3, 2007

you’re telling me! ain’t seen a coon for miles!

48. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Be prepared to see a surge in raccoon activity in all areas in the near future.

49. xander - October 3, 2007

how do we know you’re not gonna contract some rabies and turn on us?

50. janice - October 3, 2007

and what about the life expetancy of raccoons being relatively low? how do we know you’re gonna make it through your full term in office? who’s the vp candidate?

51. whatpushesmybuttons - October 3, 2007

Key Coon: you may have some problems out there if you decide to campaign late at night. I mean I know your approach is to go door to door and garbage can to garbage can, but would hate for someone to mistake your campaigning for a late night garbage run…you could end up like this poor raccoon:

CHESHIRE, Conn. — A woman killed a raccoon with her bare hands Thursday when the animal attacked a young boy. Officials with Cheshire animal control say the woman was walking in the woods around 11 a.m. with a group of children when the animal bit the 5-year-old son of a friend.

She pulled the raccoon off the child, told the children to run home and strangled the animal, authorities said.

“She had the presence of mind to choke it,” animal control officer April Leiler told the Record-Journal of Meriden. “She is one tough lady.”

The carcass was taken to a state laboratory in Hartford where it tested positive for rabies.

The woman and the boy are undergoing rabies treatment. Their names have not been released.

52. keywork. - October 3, 2007

@xander: who’s to say you’re not gonna contract rabies and turn on us?
@janice: that’s why I’m screening vp candidates with all four paws. I have the same chance of living through my term as the rest of your human candidates.

53. whatpushesmybuttons - October 3, 2007

and furthermore that occurred in the Coonstitution state! we’re gonna need to do some pr work on that one!

54. larry - October 3, 2007

yes, this is something out of frisky dingo…did you see the last one? hysterical! love that damn show!

55. keywork. - October 3, 2007

chris: I’m open to campaigning at all hours, however, I must warn you I get kind of human-ish during the daylight hours. Also, what do you think a security detail is for? There is no way in hell Granny Manhands is finding her hands around any part of my raccoon perfection. Also, stay away from rabid raccoons. Note to Cabinet: wtf are they teaching in the schools these days? We need to fix that.

56. tungsten - October 3, 2007

would you plan to kill off bob barker for having all pets spade and neutered?

57. keywork. - October 3, 2007

Yeah, I’ll get Laurie on that one. Hartford, you need your hockey team back. I’ll find a way to work that out. How’s that for a peace offering?

58. jake - October 3, 2007

wow…that woman destroyed that raccoon…

i think you should invest in a plastic bullet proof cage, like the pope mobile

59. keywork. - October 3, 2007

jake: you’re hired. now build my bullet proof cooncarrier.

60. tonka - October 3, 2007

Let’s Go Whalers!

61. chris - October 3, 2007

We’re having problems with voters from Coontucky…seems like they’re mad at you for eating all their bluegrass.

62. keywork. - October 3, 2007

About the bluegrass, I didn’t digest it.
@tonka: and you’re on board.

63. lauriekendrick - October 3, 2007

Hey All You Coonatics!

Stay tuned for the special KEYWORK–EVERYBODY”S ALL AMERICOON
website and more.

Updates will be fast and furious so, please check back here at whatpushesmybuttons.com

My blog, lauriekendrick.wordpress.com or lauriekendrick.com.

rationreality.com

and of course, the KeyCoon’s own site, kywork.blogspot.com

If you’ll back him, we’ll promote him. AT this juncture it all looks very promising and all of your were in on the beginning.
Thank you very fucking much!

64. kenneth - October 3, 2007

is coon running as a cconacat? coonican? or coondependent? that may sway my vote a bit!

65. sally - October 4, 2007

personally i’m on the fence…i just don’t know…i need to be sure coon won’t just grab the popular vote and then turn around and stick us poor folk with higher taxes.

66. Murphy Klasing - October 4, 2007

I’ve been researching KeyCoon’s stand on various issues to see if he is conservative enough for my endorsement and I’m still unclear on a few items:

My understanding is that he says he voted for the war because he thought the administration said they were looking for weapons of “trash collection”. Then he said he voted against it. I just hope we don’t have another flip flopper candidate.

He also seems to have a ridiculously liberal stand on the environment to the point that I heard he wants legislation that would require that every grocery store have a “trash” aisle and that once a week all residents would have to donate their trash to their local stores for stocking purposes.

This all seems very confusing but I’m dedicated to resolving my doubts and ultimately endorsing our first President from the animal kingdom. (Or was Nixon the first one–I’m not sure)

As long as he hires numerous members of the Utah Flapjacks coalition for his cabinet–I’m in.

-Murphy

67. chris - October 4, 2007

Murphy – Hopefully Mr. Coon will be here shortly to answer all of your questions about his animal integrity. I’m sure, knowing what a stand up character he is, he won’t turn tail.

I think it would be a HUGE asset to have the workers from the Utah Flapjacks chain of restaurants as members of his cabinet. Actually I’d vote that they campaign on behalf of him as well. What good citizen could resist the charm of the breast served pancakes in the entire world?

68. keywork. - October 4, 2007

The trash aisle was just a thought. I’ve been told that humans dislike the smell of garbage so I won’t be implementing that gem. I plan on hiring members of the Utah Flapjacks to help with my campaign. I’m not sure what they will be doing, but I’m sure everyone will be pleased. Well, the fellas will at least.

69. Murphy Klasing - October 5, 2007

If you are solid on hiring the Flapjacks–then I’m in and I’ll be the first to put a yard sign in. Go KeyCoon!!!!

70. keywork. - October 5, 2007

Consider yourself counted, MK, go Flapjacks!

71. hillary clinton - October 10, 2007

after seeing this and your pro-nazi stance, you have to do some major fixing for me to consider you a serious threat to the oval office.

72. keywork. - October 10, 2007

I don’t want you to consider me at all. You should consider acquiring a proper pair of bifocals and perhaps a vagina. Most women have those. Thanks, looking forward to smoking you in the election,
Keywork: Accept No Substitute

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