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Ridin with the ‘po-po’ September 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, coffee, current events, dogs, eating, food, humor, new york city, pedestrian behavior, television.

So last night was pretty adventurous. My “good citizenship” kicked in again as I was witness to a “small time crime” last night next to my apt. Earlier in the evening Tegdirb (perhaps best nickname ever?) saw a few ‘utes’ break into a construction site across the street. I had debated alerting the proper authorities but held off since they just appeared to be horsin’ around in the site. Well an hour or so later I looked outside again and said ‘utes’ had taken a “long metal instrument used to climb” and were in the process of chucking it over the wall of the construction site (notice i’m not using real names for the crime and product should certain utes discover google and discover my blog and thus discover my identity – you figure out the rest. After all, I survived the first four slugs in my chest while ridin w/ Pac in Vegas…don’t need any matchin scars.)

Anyway I figured it was time to alert the authorities and after calling Tres-Uno-Uno I was told that this WAS in fact an emergency and was patched to Nueve-Uno-Uno where I told the dispatcher about the illegal activity transforming in front of my eyes.

After giving a description of location a few minutes later I received a call back asking to confirm location. A minute or two after that another call asking for updates. And then a few minutes later I was asked to come downstairs to “take a visual”.

After meeting the po-po outside I walked with them round the corner to where several utes were being questioned (per my original description). I glanced over unassumingly and squinted to see them. The clothing “fit the bill” but I couldn’t make a positive facial ID. I mean then again it was 9:30 at night and I was seeing the action from a good 75 feet away. So a little hard to make out facial identification. I informed the officers that I couldn’t make a positive facial ID but the build/clothing fit. We took a walk to the break in area and I identified where the large metal climbing apparatus was taken to and where the utes might have stashed it.

I gave a few more statements and then was told to hop in the car for a ride back to my apt. I climbed in the back seat and holy shit…let me tell you, for those who haven’t been in the back of a copcar there’s NO leg room back there. None. I barely could squeeze my legs in and I’m not even that tall. Anyone over 6’2″ would basically have to be a contortionist to fit into the back of a squad car. I guess they make the experience as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway not sure what they did with said utes but I felt like I did my civic duties. Most people (actually all people) in my neighborhood wouldn’t say dick because they don’t give a shit. But I figured that a) the construction company would want to know their property was being damaged b) lets teach these utes a lesson by letting them know someone is always watching them. The whole experience made me feel like I was on the set of CSI: NY or NYPD Blue or Homicide: Life on the Street (BEST cop drama ever in my humble opinion) or any other NYC crime type show. I always thought I’d make a good cop…although I’d prefer to be a undercover or “rogue civilian” cop, catching civilians engaging in acts of “petty” crimes (you know this from my Rules of Pedestrian Engagement article from back in the days).

Speaking of police officers…apparently this one got sick on a salty burger.. I mean, we all know McDonald’s burgers are pretty flavorless on their own (hence why we douce them in ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, etc). But getting one that had a ton of salt on it would probably taste like shit (It is shit, austin).

I agree with the quote in the article that said the cop should’ve thrown out the burger on first bite. But hey, a hungry cop is a hungry cop! Just good thing it wasn’t a donut that had a certain “sugar-like substance” spilled on it. Last thing we need are officers sniffing their uniforms to get them some more of the “powderly sugar” goodness. Of course I’m talking about the innocent white powdered sugar. I would never insinuate that an officer of the law would snort some coke off their uniforms. In any case I’m sure his salty burger tasted a hell of a lot better than the rubbery egg & cheese I had from Starbucks this am.

And that was after waiting for 20 minutes (no joke) for a grande Vanilla Latte and said egg sandwich. All I really wanted was the Latte to help my digestive system perform its magic this am (TMI?) but I threw the rubbery egg sandwich in there as well. My question is why would you microwave an egg and cheese? Why wouldn’t you just get a toaster oven and toast it? At least then the english muffin wouldn’t become rubbery in the microwave, it would be nice and crispy. Same with the bacon. And the egg would heat just the same in the toaster as it would in the microwave. Am I making sense here or is that just too much common sense? I’m a man who knows my egg sandwiches (was a short-order cook in a bagel shop for a few months) so needless to say it’s very disappointing when something simple like an egg and cheese gets so fucked up.

Anyway the real picture I should have taken this morning was on the subway. I was sitting across from a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug. Seriously, that’s probably the best descriptor for her. And the women was probably in her 50s/60s at best. Her skin was so weathered and wrinklely and her face was compressed like a pug’s is. It was quite fascinating actually. I was so tempted to whip it out and take a picture of her/it (talkin about whippin out my cell phone of course). I wish I could of but then too many people got on and stood in my way.

If she wore a blonde wig and wore a white dress she may have looked something like this (only darker):



1. doug - September 10, 2007

aren’t you just McGruff the crime dog!

2. bob - September 10, 2007

damn…that musta been one ugly woman!

3. ethan - September 10, 2007

Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!

4. roger - September 10, 2007

that looks like a pancake and not an english muffin

5. Chris - September 10, 2007

Good call Roger it does…i knew i should have gotten a McGriddle

6. Mr. Blogger - September 10, 2007

hah…nice…getting arrested for giving out a salty burger…i’m sure they give out lots worse! hasn’t anyone read Fast Food Nation!

7. tiffany - September 10, 2007

maybe you can land an extra’s role on the next episode of CSI!

8. wendy's - September 10, 2007

yes…Mr Blogger…that’s why I prefer non fast food places…like Wendy’s. Everything is fresh and home made. Nothing frozen or premade. Nothing but the freshest ingredients from our kitchen to your mouths.

Check out Wendys.com for the location nearest you.


Always Fresh.

Never Frozen.

That’s Right!

9. gary - September 10, 2007

haha…looks like someone is trying their hand at viral marketing!

10. trent - September 10, 2007

damn…what the fuck is going on…first prescription drug comments…now comments from fast food retailers.

11. bubba - September 10, 2007

great time to read this when I’m downing my quarter pounder with cheese. 😉

12. ginny - September 10, 2007

hah…these two utes…nice

13. dustin - September 10, 2007

a woman who looked like a cross between a 100 year old weathered Native American tribeswoman and a pug

hahaha…nice…she must have been a sight for sore eyes!

14. Whatpushesmybuttons - September 11, 2007

btw…no post today (9/11)…actually didn’t have time to post….and didn’t feel like the topic i was going to discuss was appropriate on this day of rememberence.

I’ll be back with your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

15. lauriekendrick - September 12, 2007

So, I’m like hungry right? And where do I go when I’m hungry but I don’t know what I’m fucking gonna eat? What Pushes My Fucking Buttons…that’s who!

And I’ve got the taste buds in my eyes all set for pics of food that looks as good as Jessica Biehls ass (if I was gay) and what do I get instead? A report of your day as a goddamned boy scout. But I continued to read and scroll down and you didn’t disappoint–you redeemed yourself you carbohydrate munching bastard!!

I got a grilled cheese sammich based on your pic. at least I think it was a grilled. Maybe I should ask Tegdirb, you bastard!!!


16. whatpushesmybuttons - September 12, 2007

LK: That’s what I should’ve named this fuckin site…what pushes my fuckin buttons! goddammit…

Glad i satisfied your hunger pangs…just wait till i get my food blog/website going…that’ll give you some reason to salivate over some prime Jessica Biehl type meat.

Ok…I think i have a new favorite nickname. Carbohydrate Munching Bastard! Awesome…so much better than Fat Bastard or my other current nicknames: The Kitchen, Fast Food and Meals on Wheels (the last two due to my deceptively fast running speed – once you get the body fat in motion it’s hard to stop!).

You know I could have my own line of carb eating action figures…complete with plastic food set. maybe some clothing too. you might be onto something here! Maybe i’ll get some CMB t-shirts made for your visit that we could wear. And then we should wear them all over the city…and throw french fries at people on the street. as paris says, that would be hot!

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