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Happy Labor Day August 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in sarcasm.
11 comments

I’m off to attend the wedding of faithful readers John and ESR-W.

I’ll be back after Labor Day.

For those readers who reside overseas and don’t know what Labor Day is, Labor Day is an American holiday celebrating childbirth.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

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And now a word from our sponsors August 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, humor, sarcasm, travel.
12 comments

Firstly my apologies for the lack of updates recently. As many of you know I’ve been off traveling this great country of ours for work and my latest stop brought me to Springfield, MO.

After being stuck in the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport for 9 hours because not one, not two but three of my flights I was scheduled to leave on had mechanical failures (including one right before take off), I was stuck in airport long time as Tom Hanks would say (that sentence sponsored by the Terminal – now available on BetaMax for your viewing pleasure).

So after barhopping through the airport, including spending 2 1/2 hours downing Vodka Tonics in chili’s and talking to the 5 or 6 people who sat next to me at the bar since I wasn’t going anywhere for a while (that sentence sponsored by Snickers. Satisfy your hunger today), I finally made my way to Springfield. I hopped on my flight and it was one of those “puddle jumpers” with one seat, aisle and 2 seats, with just enough headroom to fit the cast of Little People, Big World (thanks to my sponsor, TLC). I was sitting in seat 2A…which would be first class normally, although on a puddle jumper it just means I’m sitting in the service vestibule (yes, I broke out the word vestibule. I’m working on 2 1/2 hrs of sleep here people. Thanks).

Anyway the flight attendant (male) came up to me and said we have the last name. I asked him how he pronounces his and he said Jet-tay. I said really, me too. Then he says, well I can’t really say that though cause I live down south and they don’t like the French much down here. Actually the funny part is I don’t bother correcting people on my last name either, especially on the road. Last thing I need is to start a holy way south of the mason dixon line by sounding french, even though no one in my family speaks French nor can we directly trace any French heritage. So I just let them call me Mr. Jet.

Well Mr. Jet-tay (the flight attendant) and I chatted for a long while and he was a pleasant fellow who grew up in CT and moved to Dallas 21 years ago. He even game me an extra can of coke to take on the road. Which was much appreciated since I had missed my ride which left at 3pm and had to rent my own car. Nothing like driving in unfamiliar territory at 10pm after spending all day in the airport downing Vodka Tonics. But then again this is Missouri and I was heading towards a place I’ve always wanted to visit: Branson.


Branson, MO – the Las Vegas of the Midwest, without the hi-priced strippers

I mean how can you not love the entertainment capital of the midwest. Home to such family friendly acts as Tony Orlando & Dawn, Yakov Smirnoff and the Baldknobbers.

Coming down the highway (Route 86) there’s about 1 million billboards advertising all of the activities you can do in Branson, like watch D rated entertainment, eat, shop and eat some more. I’ve seen it featured in numerous food and travel shows and have always wanted to stop to take a look. Unfortunately I was in no mood for stopping at 10pm and even more unfortunately my schedule prohibited me from truly experiencing Branson, save for the neon sign that said Branson and the huge Yakov! sign above Yakov Smirnoff’s theatre:

I guess I’ll just have to go pay another visit someday. Especially when I’m in the mood for some banjo jubilee and some bald guys with no teeth. Nothing says entertainment like the Baldnobbers!

(This whole post sponsored by Lunesta – who reminds you to be responsible and get more than 2 1/2 hours of sleep).

Just Grin and “Bear” It August 23, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm.
10 comments

There’s a bit of a crisis in Lake Tahoe these days. It seems that global warming has taken some winter jobs away from the ever present black bear population which have caused the bears to have to resort to other means to get their yearly income. Some bears have joined the lucrative real estate market, others have found employment in casinos. Yet the ones that were previously employed as ski instructors or ski resort lift line workers, have had problems regaining employment in the area.


This lucky bear found employment as a Pepsi taste tester


Jack, 3, was able to find employment as a garbage man


Benny, 7, is now a drive thru banking teller

Some bears have been forced to give up their homes and are basically wandering the area homeless, unable to afford the rising rents in their dens anymore. These bears have resorted to a life of petty larceny, breaking into other bear and human residences in order to grab some “bare” essentials, such as food and water. Other, craving the luxury of their former homes, have treated themselves to romps through strangers hot tubs and have even used the bathrooms in the houses they’re breaking into.


Bears in Lake Tahoe have been slowly forced out of their homes, causing them to use neighbors hot tubs for relaxation

Some of the bears have been messy, leaving behind a trail of damage after their romps through the houses. “They went into my sisters room and pooper on her bed” said Danielle Hyde.


The scene after a renegade bear left his neighbor’s kitchen in shambles

Other bears have more been neat and courteous. “I chased a bear out of my living room. He’d been eating Chocolate Kisses. I found 15 wrappers on the floor – just wrappers, no chocolate mess. He was much neater than my own kids ever were” said Gloria Bourke. Another homeowner said “…he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of Java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn” said Tower Snow, Jr.

Regardless of the aftermath, the residents of Lake Tahoe will need to live with their new inhabitants as these bears search for a better means and more gainful employment.

(Note: this above story is based “loosely” on an article that appeared in People magazine. The photos and quotes are real…the story is a slight twist of the truth. All bears gave their approval to use their name and likeness in this story.)

“Fantasy” Weekend August 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, current events, eating, fashion, food, football, new york city, television.
22 comments

When you think “fantasy weekend” you probably don’t envision 12 guys in a room drinking beer, talking football, with a newborn and a greyhound (unless maybe you’re Britney Spears). But when it’s fantasy football season, there’s no time for females or lounging at the beach. There’s some pride on the line and some drafting to be done! Well, this past weekend was my annual fantasy football draft. I’m proud to say our league has been in existance for 15 years and I think I’ve been a part of it for the last 9. The best part about our league is that we try to be together in person for the draft. Obviously getting everyone in the same room year after year is difficult, especially with people living all over the country, but that’s what makes our league special.

Anyway, not to bore you with all of the fantasy football details (if you want to know my team feel free to post a comment) but one of the highlights is always the food. We’ve come a long way since our inception, and at recent drafts you could find lobster, freshly caught steamed quahog, Vietnamese Tiger Shrimp (the biggest shrimp you’ve ever seen!), homemade chili and other tasty treats (both homemade and store bought).

For this year I was able to bust out some boneless buffalo chicken strips using my newly updated recipe. I bake my famous “buffalo wings” instead of frying them and make a “special sauce” which has become famous over the years at Super Bowl parties and other gatherings. I’ve started to substitute chicken wings for skinless, boneless chicken breast that I carve up into bite size portions and bake away. The result is a nice tender and tasty buffalo chicken piece that’s for the most part healthy for you (minus the sodium in the buffalo wing sauce).


My buffalo style chicken (right) accompanied by Pigs in a Blanket and Jalepeno Poppers

Along with my buffalo style chicken we feasted on Connell’s chili, pizza, homemade Hummus, brownies, and Ian’s extra large, butterflied grilled tiger shrimp (of which I ate about 20 of – hence no pictures).


Connell’s chili


Pizza and homemade hummus

So the food this year was a success, even if we didn’t have freshly caught clams and steamed lobster. But maybe we’ll make up for it next year!

Anyway, I had another “fantasy” experience last night when I was invited to a swank party thrown by Meow Mix. Now when you think Meow Mix you don’t think party (unless there’s some catnip thrown in!) but the party was a “Meow Mix Acatemy Back to School party”.

The party was thrown in a converted space on Union Square East and 15th street. There were limos in the front and cameras everywhere and immediately I thought I wouldn’t be let in with my khakis and untucked polo shirt. But since I “was on the list” I was let in.

Immediately after I walked through the front doors it was like a stepped on stage of a model shoot. To my left was a photo area where singer Kat DeLuna was holding some cats and posing for pictures. On my right was an area to purchase Meow Mix “attire” including t-shirts and handbags. Further into the room were two side rooms with more photo areas, including a life-size kitty play area where another model was taking pictures. The room then opened up into a bar and food area, with a stage and areas to “catnap” and stretch.

Since the party was cat themed, invited guests were (besides Kat DeLuna): Iron Chef Cat Cora, “Big Pussy” from the Sopranos, CariDee (winner of America’s Next Top Model) and Rachel Hunter. Not sure what Rachel Hunter had to do with cats, but regardless she was there (although I didn’t even recognize her, nor did I recognize any celebrities for that matter). All I know was that there were LOTS of tall women there (presumably all models) and lots of yummy food (and a large sampling of Meow Mix Salmon treats for your cats there for the taking). I had joked with some guests that they should serve up the cat treats on little crackers just to see if people would’ve noticed the difference (they probably wouldn’t have). But all in all for the little I was there it was a good time (how can you not enjoy watching models prance around a small room trying to “one-up” each other).

Here are some published pics from last night:

Apparently the “Meow Mix Acatemy” is here to stay for a while too. So may be something to check out if you’re a cat lover. Although hopefully the geniuses behind ICanHazCheezburger won’t go and fuck it up for cat lovers.

Ding Dong the Witch is dead! August 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, critique, current events, new york city, opinion.
10 comments

Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!

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The wicked witch of the east, the “Queen of Mean”, died this morning due to heart failure. Frankly, this is 87 years too long in the making.

Why should I say such evil things about a person? Well because I have a personal vendetta against Helmsley (as do millions of people). Firstly, instead of being a philanthrophist and doing good with her empire of millions (like Brooke Astor), she was a greedy bitch who cared nothing about the less fortunate including her own workers.

Secondly, back in the early 90s when Madison Square Garden was undergoing renovations, she owned (and still does) all of the property across the street from the garden (where Bar Local now stands). Back then the sports bar on the corner was the “Good Old Days”, a true NYC sports bar in which every celebrity, past and present would come in to personally sign autographs and memorabilia that hung throughout the bar. Boxing gloves signed by Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Basketballs signed by Walt Frazier, Earl Monroe and countless others. Wrestling trunks signed by Hulk Hogan. Ice skates signed by Peggy Fleming. If they performed in the garden, odds are you found a piece of their outfit or equipment at the Good Old Days.

The place was filled with sports memorabilia including old pennants, pictures, baseball cards, etc. You could spend hours (which I did) walking around the bar admiring the history on the walls. I personally had a bunch of the banners given to me from the bar since that was one of my father’s top accounts for his airconditioning/refrigeration servicing job. Anyway, once the garden took a year off for renevations business was slow. The bar appealed to Helmsley to give them tax relief to be able to remain in business until the garden reopened for business. Helmsley being the raving bitch that she was said no and the bar was forced to close. The owners reopened bars throughout the city including the now defunct West 4 st. Saloon and the Stoned Crow (in which I stumbled upon a few weeks back, with some of the banners I knew as a child in tact! – more on that at a later date).

Helmsley in her typical fashion crushed the spirits of the corner bar, allowing a upscale Chinese fusion restaurant called Beema Grill to move in. I graduated H.S. from the Garden in 1994, in which I walked across the street and spit on the restaurant numerous times, cursuing Helmsley in the process.

Those who know me know my personal dislike for the Queen of Mean. Think I’m alone? Just ask the thousands of workers she personally screwed throughout her career. Or her houseworkers, who quoted her once as saying: “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

That pretty much sums her life up. Fuckin bitch…I hope you rot in hell. And they better bury your ass far away from the city…you’ve done enough damage here over the years. Stay in Greenwich with the rest of the rich and wealthy assholes who hoard their millions and build their mega houses. I hope they rename all of your properties too, your name doesn’t deserve to be anywhere in this city.

The reviews are in… August 16, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, opinion.
41 comments

My blog was just up for review on Humor-Blogs.com, which is a collection of best humor blogs throughout the land. The cool part about the site is the reviews, in which fellow bloggers who are members of the site review each others work and the blogs are “scored” based on those results.

The reviewers (including myself) are very opinionated and really look for blogs to be laugh-out-loud funny. And when they aren’t, then the blogs get “thrashed” in their reviews and the scores suffer accordingly. Obviously I wasn’t allowed to review my own blog, but without further adieu, here is my review according to the reviewers at Humor-Blogs.com:

——-
WhatPushesMyButtons got very consistent, if not overwhelming, scores from our reviewers. The consensus was that it was smart, well written and sometimes amusing, but generally not laugh-out-loud funny.

Category Score Points
Content 5.17 36/70
Writing 6.5 3/5
Web Design 5.67 3/5
Intangibles 4.5 2/5
Read Regularly 1.67 2/10
Frequency 10 5/5
Total 51

Percentile Rank: 25

Some quotes from our reviewers:

The blog author does deserve points for my being able to persevere through a review after the first post I encountered detailed her being the victim of a “shit and run” (complete with photo). That was just wrong. Having said that, I found some of the posts and choices of material covered original and pretty funny at times. The overall template felt a bit cluttered (that may have been my ADD-ishness kicking in). I think if he declutters a bit, posts no more pictures of feces, he’d be a bit more humorous.

This blog makes me wonder if the author has an unhealthy obsession with food.

This blog falls into a pretty common category; writers who post clever observations without making the leap to being funny. When I read a humor blog, I want to laugh. Or snicker…hell, I’d settle for a good smirk. ‘What Pushes My Buttons’ is smart, it has the clever observations and the rhetorical responses, but it just never gets funny.

Not bad, but nothing spectacular. I like the fact that the post subjects are not the “same old” topics that everyone seems to cover. No “lol” but some solid smiles. Really solid web design.

Well written and sometimes amusing, but certainly not laugh-out-loud funny.

I have a feeling that What Pushes My Buttons was the victim of reviewers who are getting a little tired of blogs that are almost funny. It’s a good blog, but at this point it doesn’t really stand out among the crowd of humor blogs. The real problem, in my opinion, is that the blog isn’t personal enough to compensate for its lack of laugh-out-loud humor. Zoning Out Again is a good example of a blog that isn’t hysterically funny, but got a good review because ZOA makes the reader feel like he or she is peeking inside the life (and somewhat crazy brain) of the author.

In contrast, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if the author of WPMB was male or female. One of our reviewers referred to the author as a “she,” which surprised me because I assumed the author was a guy. I finally found a reference to “shaking the snake,” which confirmed that the author was either male or a sadistic herpetologist.

In my humble opinion, if you’re trying to make people laugh you need to pick one of two paths: Either sacrifice coherency and accuracy to make as many jokes as you can (Sinister Dan, Pointless Drivel), or really let people into your life so they can see how funny things look from your perspective (Dorky Dad, Zoning Out Again). You can even veer wildly between these two paths as the mood strikes you. But a surefire way to get lukewarm reviews is to strike a compromise between the two paths where you relate mildly amusing, factually accurate stories without much of a personal touch.
——-

Ouch! I mean…granted last week wasn’t my most funniest weeks of posts (and even Bridget said people are gonna be grossed out by the shit in the toilet pic). But I mean that’s just me. Sometimes I’m funny and sometimes I’m not. But I guess I really wasn’t funny last week because I got ripped apart in my reviews.


I was the victim of a brutal Humor-Blogs.com attack!

I mean people thought I was clever and original (which I definitely liked hearing) and that’s pretty much all I can ask for. Some people will find me funny. Some will find me disturbing. And some won’t find me funny at all. That’s just a personal preference I guess and everyone has a difference sense or preference of humor.

But given the reviews above from the non-faithful readers of my blog, I wanted to ask my “adoring audience” for their thoughts. Would you rather me be more “personal” with my posts and give you an inside peek at my inner workings? Or would you rather me continue to be an irrational thought machine who I guess occassionally makes you chuckle or laugh (hopefully).

My goal with this blog is to make you laugh and give you a little break from the stresses of your work or personal lives. But according to the folks whose “job it is to be funny”, I’m not even at a passing grade (51 out of 100 points).


As Pesci said in Goodfellas: “How the fuck am I funny? Funny how? Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?”

I personally don’t care what other people think and I plan to keep on keeping on with the stuff I think makes you laugh. But if you feel like the consensus was right, and I’m not a funny fuck at all, then please speak up. Your voice matters too! Thanks!

My own empire August 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, fashion, sex, travel.
13 comments

A few months back ESR-W came back from a trip to Europe with a tearout of a magazine. The tearout was of a fragrance entitled: Jette by Night

I laughed of course being that’s my last name and kept it aside for a keepsake.

Well more recently I saw another ad for Jette by Night, but this time for a shower and body gel!

So I decided to look up the product. Lo and behold the product is a huge sensation throughout Europe! No way! Not only is it a fragrance, body and shower gel, but there’s also jewelry, clothing, footwear, eyewear and even skates! Crazy!

I found out the designer is a lady named Jette Joop so she named all of her product line after herself (although secretly I think she named the products after me!). In fact, the designer is so popular she throws huge bashes when a new product line is launched!

It’s crazy. And since it’s a European based company they definitely use sex to sell “my product”. Take a look at these hot ‘adverts’:

I’m thrilled my product is all about the high fashion. Especially the roller skates.


My skates are off the hook!

Obviously it’s all one big coincidence that the product line is named after me. But regardless it seems like this “imposture” is making quite a living off using my name. Maybe I’ll have to consult my attorneys to get some royalties. I mean she’s gotta be raking in millions!

So Ms. Joop or Ms. Jette…or whatever you go by, just remember, as Brooke Astor said: “Money is like manure, it should be spread around.”

“Money is like manure…” August 14, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, current events, new york city, opinion.
11 comments

If that’s the case I’m “shit out of luck”. Da dum dum. Thank you thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

The full quote is: “Money is like manure, it should be spread around.” Which is one of the best quotes I’ve heard in a long time. It comes courtesy of one of the most generous persons to ever walk the face of this earth: Brooke Astor.

Astor, who married the son of wealthy investor John Jacob Astor, just passed away at the age of 105. Her career was spent being a philantrophist and contributer to society’s greater good. She took her husband’s fortune and spread the wealth throughout NYC over the years, spending up to $200 million to fund such projects as the New York Public Library, Carnegie Hall, the Museum of Natural History, Central Park, the Bronx Zoo, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the one closest to my heart, the Apollo Theatre.

While she was very wealthy, she was always approachable by anyone, rich or poor. If only other wealthy (like Leona Helmsley) contributed like Brooke did the world be a much better place. “I grew up feeling that the most important thing in life was to have good manners and to enhance the lives of others”, Brooke was quoted saying in 1992. That’s pretty much my creedo too.

So here’s to you, Mrs. Astor. Even though your last days were apparently spent sleeping on an urine infested couch and children fighting over your estate, you will be truly missed by all New Yorkers!

And here I thought I was being original… August 13, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, opinion, random references.
9 comments

So before I left for Michigan this past weekend I had told my lovely girlfriend Bridget that I’ll miss her, but that absence makes the heart grow fonder (i know…can I get some figs with that sap). Except when I said it I kind of slurred the word absence, and it sounded like I said Abinsthe.

We laughed and then I thought wait, that would make an awesome marketing campaign! Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder could be a perfect tagline for an alcoholic beverage that is known to have “mysterious powers”.


Makes the heart grow fonder

I thought it was a perfect idea. Original. Never thought of before. I was a genius right?

Well..frankly no. About a few thousand other people apparently have thought of that idea before. Thanks to a quick Google search, oh about 25,000 or so. No shit. Don’t I feel like an asshole now. I was gonna design this whole marketing idea around a bottle of Abinsthe and a drunken love connection but no need to do that now I guess. In fact there’s a whole bunch of musicians who have even wrote songs entitled “Abinsthe makes the heart grow fonder”.

Now, either I’m as smart and witty as a few thousand people or I’m a dumbass for thinking of an idea that’s been thought of a thousand times already (hopefully it’s the former, but I know you guys will tell me it’s the latter).

Nonetheless my mood deflated once I saw I wasn’t original on this idea afterall.

So I have nothing else to say at the moment. My creative inspiration was sucked right out of me. It’s like finding out Pluto is no longer a planet. Just alone. Out there. Inconsequential.


Pluto, my friend, I feel your pain

What a “turd”! August 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, bathroom humor, eating, food, random references.
19 comments

WARNING…EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT COMING UP. PLEASE DON’T READ NOR BE OFFENDED IF YOU DO READ. JUST WARNING YOU NOW. THANK YOU.

So they are doing construction in our office right now and we’re packing up and moving downstairs. Half the floor has moved already so it’s just our half that’s left. So last night I figured I’d use the bathroom on the empty side of the floor since I had to do my “duty”.

Well imagine my surprise when I walk into the bathroom and immediately am greeted by a foul and unpleasant order (obscure Seinfeld reference for you there, 100 points if you can guess the scene). I walk past one of the stalls and see this large black piece of shit “drydocked” in the toilet (meaning above the waterline for those who need a visual). The water was yellow and apparently whoever left behind their mess didn’t bother to flush.

It was disgusting and appalling. I nearly threw up and turned to leave immediately. But then of course the blogger in me kicked in so I decided to share with you how disgusting this was.

I held my nose as I took the picture on my cell phone and ran out of there as fast as possible. Suddenly my urge to go was completely gone. The craziest part was how whoever took the shit got it to come out of their ass sideways? Seriously…that’s fucking crazy. And how they managed to get it drydocked is beyond me. Actually there is some traces of shit on the bowl so they literally must have been forward in the seat.

I wonder what this guy could’ve eaten to create such a thick and dense piece of shit? I mean it must’ve hurt like hell trying to push that through. Well, I may have found my answer. Walking back around the office, I saw a few boxes of food on a shelf.

Yep…the Thunderhead Venison Stew would probably explain it.

Anyway, I debated sharing this with y’all given how gross it really was. A picture doesn’t do it justice. But since I’ve never been one not to share such stories with my dearest and closest friends, consider this my gift to you.

No need to say thanks.

Anyway, I’m off to Michigan for the weekend for a work event. Enjoy your weekend and I’ll talk to you on Monday.