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Books of Enrichment June 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, critique, eating, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, weird.
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Before I lead you to some reading material that will undoubtedly enrich your mind (and other body parts), I’m taking the elevator up to work this am and these two white guys get on. They start talking about Kobayashi and how he can’t compete because of his hurt jaw. They called him a pussy and said what did he, pull his ACL or something.

Listen jackass. A competitive eater kinda needs his/her jaw to compete, don’cha think? So it is like pulling an ACL. Why don’t you think before you speak you fuckin moron. You know what, let me punch you in the jaw a few times and let me see how good you do trying to eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Asshole.

Anyway, saw this list of recommended reading material (ok maybe it wasn’t as much recommended as it was listed) over at RationReality.com. Pretty good stuff. This list of books include:

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners

White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities
• How to improve your drunk-driving skills
• Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family

There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers:

• I’m getting married; can I still wear white if I’m a tramp?
• Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?
• How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One

The ultimate in safe sex — self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you’ve ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality. Packed with photos, advice, stories and training tips by men who know what they’re doing!

Forgive the hype: this is also a serious examination of the history (through a variety of reports) and application of self-performed oral sex. It’s both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics.

Other notable books on the list include:
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
Forensics for Dummies

Good stuff! And you can buy all these books on Amazon.com! Although the whole “Art of Auto-Fellatio thing” i’m not so sure about. I lack the inner-core strength needed to bend completely over. Plus I’m not too sure about giving myself “fellatio”. I kinda think Rosie Palm and her five friends would get a little jealous. Although maybe if I got really really drunk one night and my hands fell asleep or weren’t working right then I’d consider trying to go down on myself if I needed to fulfill an urge.

Wait. WHAT AM I SAYING??? I know there’s that saying oh, if you could give yourself a blow job you’d never need a girl or never leave the house or something to that effect. But when you think about it would you really do it? I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes. What happens when it’s time to cum??? Do you let it fly or do you swallow? Didn’t think about that one did you? And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go “suck a dick” would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?

Yeah…so needless to say I won’t be sucking my own dick until these questions are answered. If someone buys the book feel free to let me know if any of those questions are addressed please. Enquiring minds want to know!

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Comments»

1. roger - June 28, 2007

dude….hahahahahahahahahahaha….you fuckin crack me up!

“Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore?”

fuckin hysterical.

I’m dying dude…i’m dying.

2. candice - June 28, 2007

OH MY GOD….those are actual books??? Jesus Christ! haha…

3. melissa - June 28, 2007

ok…i don’t even know what to say…i’m flabbergasted. disturbed. amused. hysterical.

4. ethan - June 28, 2007

Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!

5. trent - June 28, 2007

um…haha….you’ve been funny before but needless to say this one “takes the cake”… hey-oh!

6. gary - June 28, 2007

crap…i guess i should have bought the book before throwing my back out…oops! haha

7. dan - June 28, 2007

you’d be surprised what you do to yourself after a bottle of tequila! haha

8. mr. blogger - June 28, 2007

“If someone tells you to go “suck a dick” would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?”

i spit my coffee straight out of my nose…all over my keyboard.

you fuckin rock!

9. bubba - June 28, 2007

i personally like the white trash book!

How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

haha…sounds like the folks around here!

10. tiffany - June 28, 2007

oh my fuckin god…that is hysterical…i was gagging when i was reading that (no pun intended of course!) hahahaha

11. nelson - June 28, 2007

WOW…i mean dude…wow. that’s all i can say

12. jake - June 28, 2007

I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes.

fuckin gross…just threw up in my mouth…asshole

13. trevor - June 28, 2007

holy shit…i mean…holy fuckin shit…lol

14. howie - June 28, 2007

i think i’d definitely spit 😉

15. moral blogger - June 28, 2007

why do i come back to this blog? it just disgusts me every time!

16. ace - June 28, 2007

good thing i trim my pubic hair! haha

17. elyse - June 28, 2007

its a little harder for girls to do since we don’t have an appendage that extends! 😉

18. roger - June 28, 2007

i just have to say i’ve gotten NOTHING done in the last 30 minutes…i keep laughing at the “do you call yourself a cum sucking whore” line…

hahahahaha

19. harold - June 28, 2007

i’m both laughing and disgusted at the same time…i didn’t know that was possible!

20. turd ferguson - June 28, 2007

yeah…i’ll take the Pen Is Mightier for $200 please

21. victor - June 28, 2007

haha…nice reference.

i agree…i don’t think i’ll be going down on myself anytime soon.

but good to know there’s a book about there just in case!

22. xander - June 28, 2007

too bad they don’t have a book fellatio for dummies….i have some ex-girlfriends who coulda used that!

23. ned - June 28, 2007

ouch!

24. The Bagel of Everything - June 28, 2007

You totally missed my two faves from the list!
I mean, damn, The Littlest Hitler is a book about Hitler and Anne Frank on Halloween.

Steal my content again, and you’ll be auto-fellating in no time.

(Who am I kidding…pimp my site again and you’ll not need to, lover-person 🙂

25. Chris - June 28, 2007

Thanks for all the feedback guys and girls…sorry if the topic du jour was a little grotesque but at least it gave you something to chew on for a bit.

ok…maybe wrong choice of word there.

I’m sorry if the subject was a bitter pill to swallow.

da dum dum. hey-oh!

Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

Bagel of Everything: Actually had an everything bagel this morning…good stuff…anyway…sorry to omit those other books…i figured my faithful visitors would just mosy over to your site to see the complete list. And for the record I’m not about “stealing” content…I’m more about the pimp action! But kudos again to you and your team for the find and for great work as usual! I always give credit where credit is due!

Oh and thanks for using the politically correct term of lover person instead of lover boy. Wouldn’t want to have the ACLU all over your ass for that one!

26. lauriekendrick - June 28, 2007

Hey to all of you who Push His Buttons.

Laurie Kendrick here. Whoring my most recent blog post like Al Sharpton on a Thrusday.

Since the owner of this particular site and I have a mutual admiration society, we allow one hand to wash the other. So, please check out my my post about a day in the life of Laurie Kendrick on Xenical.

Funny..I shit you not. No, wait..that’s not entirely accurate.
Just read the post and tell your friends, damn you!!

Thanks CJ!!
lauriekendrick.wordpress.com
lauriekendrick.com

27. Chris - June 28, 2007

Um…yeah…if you like the “shit” around here….you’re just gonna love the “shit” that Laurie has to say.

Although please read at your own risk. Those with queezy stomach need not apply.

28. yeti - June 28, 2007

the whole lot of you are just f*d up…although you make me laugh like nobody’s business!

great work!

29. recklessdriver - July 20, 2007

Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore?

haha…man i’m loving this blog! awesome stuff!

30. jasmine - September 26, 2007

“And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go “suck a dick” would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?”

OMFG! hahahaha…that is absolutely terrifying…and hysterical at the same time. I didn’t know that I could laugh and be disgusted at the same time. Thanks for helping me realize I actually could!

31. chris - September 26, 2007

Jasmine: Glad i could help you achieve that goal!

Btw…I would still like to know out of anyone who has given themselves self fellatio out there, if they were offended by someone telling them to go suck a dick. Enquiring minds want to know!

32. fuck you - November 14, 2007

Fuck the goddamn, communist, cocksucking motherfuckers in the ACLU. And fuck anybody that doesn’t like it!

33. korvis - March 19, 2008

>.< its your own cum and your own dick. suck away. i would.

34. BenFranklin - September 21, 2009

Best sellers at teabag rallies!


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