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I Love L.A. June 29, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, basketball, critique, current events, opinion, sports, television, world news.
7 comments

So quotheth 2Pac. Not because of the weather. Or the girls. Or the West Coast rap game. Solely because of the Clippers.

The L.A. Clippers.

The beloved perennial losers. The team that turned the franchise around by drafting Peekskill NY product Elton Brand (who I got to see play and meet numerous times when his H.S. team played at Marist).

Why do I love the Clippers now? Cause they drafted Jared Jordan. A 6’1″ point guard that played for Marist (my beloved alum).

The little guy that most people said was too small, lacked athleticism, lacked size. The same little guy that was voted MVP of the Greater Hartford Pro Am last year and who wowed NBA scouts all summer.

If you were watching the NBA Draft last night you’ll notice that commentator Jay Bilas never had Jared on his “Best Available” picks. He had guys like Ramon Sessions. Tareuan Green. Some guards from Venus and Jupiter. But nary a mention of Jordan.

Of course, ESPN was at a 5 minute commercial break when it was the Clippers turn to pick. I looked up from packing away for the weekend to see “Current Selection: Jared Jordan” followed by more commercials.

They came back from break and did one of those “while you were gone, here are the losers who got drafted” sort of deals. And yes, they showed a few clips of Jordan and follow with more criticism about his size and praise about being the best “pure point guard” in the draft.

But you fucking deprived me of what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear his name called. To have that “oh shit, I can’t believe he just got drafted moment”. Nope…I had to watch it on a fuckin scroll that I was just fortunate to catch at the right moment.

I don’t even know if the crowd booed. Or cheered. Or was impartial. Even Jared Jordan himself was deprived of the experience of hearing his own name called.

http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070629/SPORTS0401/706290322

What if he went to take a piss? Or go open another bag of Doritos? He wouldn’t have even seen that he had been drafted until 5 minutes after it happened.

So a big FUCK YOU to ESPN for not only depriving Jared Jordan himself, but the rest of the Marist students and alumni at probably one of few times (since it’s only happened once before – Rik Smits) we’ll get to hear “The so-and-so select (insert player name) from Marist College.” Thanks alot for depriving that us ESPN. I hope that fuckin commercial, whatever it was, helped pay your bills this month. I’m so glad you were airing live when these players from Spain and god knows where else were getting drafted considering those foreign players won’t even be playing in the fucking league next year thanks to current contracts with their current teams. Because we all had a rooting interest in Giorgio whatshisface from Kazakastan. Way not to show the little guy from the small school getting drafted. You fuckin pricks. Also eat shit Jay Bilas. Shows how much you fucking know. Half of your “best available” list didn’t even end up getting drafted. Why don’t you do your homework next time and not eat crow on the air.

Anyway, congrats Clippers fans. You’ll get to see a player who’ll give 100% each and every night on the court (btw…love that Stephen A. Smith said the Knicks were trying to trade down to get Jordan…yeah, I’m sure they were. Because another guard was exactly what they needed. Assholes). Hopefully when the Clippers come to town they’ll destroy the Knicks. And I can laugh as I watch Jordan dish assist after assist to Brand. And laugh when the crowd turns on the Knicks and cheers for the little guy that could.

Anyway…off for the weekend! Enjoy everyone!

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Books of Enrichment June 28, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, bathroom humor, common sense, critique, eating, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, sarcasm, sex, stupidity, weird.
34 comments

Before I lead you to some reading material that will undoubtedly enrich your mind (and other body parts), I’m taking the elevator up to work this am and these two white guys get on. They start talking about Kobayashi and how he can’t compete because of his hurt jaw. They called him a pussy and said what did he, pull his ACL or something.

Listen jackass. A competitive eater kinda needs his/her jaw to compete, don’cha think? So it is like pulling an ACL. Why don’t you think before you speak you fuckin moron. You know what, let me punch you in the jaw a few times and let me see how good you do trying to eat 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Asshole.

Anyway, saw this list of recommended reading material (ok maybe it wasn’t as much recommended as it was listed) over at RationReality.com. Pretty good stuff. This list of books include:

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners

White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including:

• The proper way to fake a back injury
• How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions
• The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities
• How to improve your drunk-driving skills
• Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family

There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers:

• I’m getting married; can I still wear white if I’m a tramp?
• Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?
• How do I pick a good bail bondsman?
• How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant?

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One

The ultimate in safe sex — self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you’ve ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality. Packed with photos, advice, stories and training tips by men who know what they’re doing!

Forgive the hype: this is also a serious examination of the history (through a variety of reports) and application of self-performed oral sex. It’s both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics.

Other notable books on the list include:
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
Forensics for Dummies

Good stuff! And you can buy all these books on Amazon.com! Although the whole “Art of Auto-Fellatio thing” i’m not so sure about. I lack the inner-core strength needed to bend completely over. Plus I’m not too sure about giving myself “fellatio”. I kinda think Rosie Palm and her five friends would get a little jealous. Although maybe if I got really really drunk one night and my hands fell asleep or weren’t working right then I’d consider trying to go down on myself if I needed to fulfill an urge.

Wait. WHAT AM I SAYING??? I know there’s that saying oh, if you could give yourself a blow job you’d never need a girl or never leave the house or something to that effect. But when you think about it would you really do it? I mean, then you have to worry about choking on your own pubes. What happens when it’s time to cum??? Do you let it fly or do you swallow? Didn’t think about that one did you? And what happens when you get into a fight with yourself? Do you call yourself a cum-sucking whore? If someone tells you to go “suck a dick” would you take it personally knowing you sucked yours?

Yeah…so needless to say I won’t be sucking my own dick until these questions are answered. If someone buys the book feel free to let me know if any of those questions are addressed please. Enquiring minds want to know!

Just a dab of butter June 27, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, critique, eating, fashion, food, funny, humor, lunch, new york city, opinion, video.
12 comments

Before I get into today’s “slippery slope”, gotta comment about Burger King real quick. I haven’t been there in a while but saw a few people walking around with these black bags around 5th ave and 33rd. Then I remembered that Burger King was having Sean Combs (Puffy) redesign their bags. That and Whopper Jr.’s are only a $1 right now! Even in Manhattan! Crazy. So that was enough reason for me to enter and leave with said black bag containing a Whopper Jr, onion rings and a pink lemonade.

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I felt this coolness walking down the street with my BK in tow. Wasn’t your typical white plastic bag. Nor your easily identifyable white logoed Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag. Nope. This bag is black. Cool. Hip. Everything about it says coolness, complete with the tempting food collage on the outside. Even if the contents of the bag are enough to clog your arteries for a few hours, I can happily say that for once I felt like the BK bag was sufficent enough to act as a fashion accessory. If I was only rockin some aviator sunglasses I would have been the epitomy of off da hook.

Ok…not really. But the bag is fuckin cool, ok? And $1 Whopper Jr.’s? You need any more incentive to check out the BK these days? I think not.

Anyhoo…onto today topic of butter. Butter has a fondness in my heart thanks to Julia Child and her “just add a stick of butter to any dish” routine that just gets me everytime. Well Julia had a sense of humor in her day, so she certainly would appreciate this video in which a guy gets revenge at his annoying roommate thanks to some well placed butter (thanks to Laurie Kendrick for posting the video that made me laugh over and over again yesterday). Click the pic to view the video.

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I love at the end of the video when the roommate is like: “You fucking asshole…I’m gonna kill you!”. Good stuff. If only we knew about that in college we could have had some fun with that one!

$11 for lunch??? June 26, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, eating, food, humor, lunch, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, restaurant, stupidity.
34 comments

So I was thoroughly disgusted after buying lunch today. Instead of going to the grocery store (like I planned to)  to buy cold cuts and a loaf of bread to make sandwiches the rest of the week (the cost effective and sensible thing to do), I had too much to do this am so I just picked up lunch at the good ole Silo Cafe. You’ll know thanks to previous posts that this place is hopping…in fact, there’s about 100 people in there at one time during the lunching hours. They’re making money hand over fist without a doubt.

Anyway, I ordered a Roast Beef sandwich on whole wheat bread, with Muenster cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and hot peppers. You’d think that’d cost $5-$6 bucks maybe. Nope…$7.25. $7.25 for a sandwich on regular bread. Not even a fucking hero. That’s absurd. Throw in the small bag of pretzals and the Honest-T, and lunch cost me $11 and change!

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The $11 lunch

Fucking absurd. Really. They fucking price gauge you there like a bitch. Not the first time I complained about that either. I think I’m done with them for a while. Yes, their food is generally good and the choices are varied. But you know what, if they are gonna charge $7.25 for a fuckin sandwich I’m going elsewhere.

Serves me right I guess for not going to the store and bringing my own lunch. But that’s the price you pay when you’re a slave to the vast culinary wasteland of Midtown.

Speaking of Midtown and culinary wasteland…for those who haven’t heard of the site before, MidtownLunch.com is a great review of all the affordable places to eat lunch in Midtown. Site owner and reviewer Zach Brooks and his site has been featured in numerous news articles and online features in the past year or so. And today, I had the priviledge of having my very own profile placed on the site. Cool stuff.

Check it out on MidtownLunch.com

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I’m hoping to work with Zach on my “super secret” project coming out later this year so stay tuned!

Wide World of Search June 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, critique, funny, humor, opinion, random references, sarcasm, weird.
10 comments

So occasionally I like to peer behind the scenes and see what articles are generating the most traffic on my blog. Thanks to some nifty WordPress tools, I can see not only track which posts are read most often, but I can also see what search engine terms people use to find my blog (I don’t know who is visiting my blog but in some instances I’d rather not know – as you’ll see in a bit). I know most of you are regular readers out there, but there’s a good chunk of visitors that stumble upon What Pushes My Buttons randomly thanks to search engines like Google and Yahoo.

You would think most people would find WPMB by searching for terms included in my more popular posts, like the best songs to sing in the shower and pedestrian violations. A lot of people find my blog by searching for “fattening foods” or high sodium foods, which takes them to my posting on “If the food is so bad for you then why are there no fat Chinese people.” Others may find me through my often random references, like my commentary on the WWF Ice Cream Bar, Rachel Ray or the hookers in hunts point featured on HBO.

However I do get some visitors thanks for random search terms. How they get to WPMB I don’t know, but here are some of the funnier (or disturbing) search terms used that ultimately led to my blog, with my comments added in:

Search terms: Funny boss killing games, Killing someone with your pinky, Killing game with saw

Yes there are such people out there that search for these things. Disturbing? Maybe. But they ultimately got my blog through the Time “Killing” Game of the Day post.

Search terms: getting teabagged pictures, naked gyms, naked workouts.

Obviously some people like working out in the nude…but looking for pictures of people getting teabagged? Yeah…no comment. They got to WPMB through the Do you work out in the nude posting

Search terms: Ass explosion, shit on a seat.

This is getting more and more disturbing by the second. Although I can see why they found us, especially with posts like That ain’t right

Search term: hasidic hookers.

Why someone would search for a Hasidic hooker is beyond me. Don’t even know where to look for that reference.

Search term: Cock.

Yep…cock. How they came here looking for cock I don’t know (or why they are looking for cock in the first place). But that pretty much takes the cake.

Anyway, I had an interesting weekend in the Catskills “fishing” – if you can call what I did fishing…I’ll have that story for you shortly.

“Disturb”ia June 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion, sarcasm, stupidity, television, video, weird.
23 comments

ESR-W sent me this link yesterday and she said she was too disturbed to look at it.

The website is: www.Fat-Man.org

Of course nothing is too disturbing for me so I took a gander. Egads! Here’s what the guy says on his site:

“Hello, and welcome to my website. My name is Chris but you can refer to me as Fat Man! This site is designed to showcase my supreme fatness. Below are videos you can watch showcasing my supreme fatness! Enjoy!”

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I’m disturbed in the fact that I share the same name as “Fat Man”. But anyone who says they “showcase their supreme fatness” is ok in my book.

To avoid grossing some of you out I won’t post the videos here. Although here are some of the captions of his videos so you get a feel of what you’re in for:

Here is a video of me improving my supreme fatness by eating chips and drinking beer!

Here is a video of me eating 10 hot dogs in just a few minutes!

Here is a video of me eating a pack of cookies even though I have diabetes!

Here is a video of me eating 9 delicious Boston Cream Dunkin Donuts!

In this video I store some Hot Pockets underneath my breast for later consumption!

Ok ok…that’s enough. You know what…I can’t resist.

Here’s the Hot Pockets video
Here’s the hot dog video

(Or go to the blogger version of this site to view the videos)

I was half-expecting Harry Carey to come into the room and say “hey,if you were a hot dog and you were starving would you eat yourself?”

Although in Fat Man’s case you know the answer would definitely be a resounding Marv Albert Yes!

But this kid is definitely disturbed. You can tell by watching the videos. I started out by laughing but then became just plain frightened for him. Especially eating all these sweets when he has diabetes. I love the fact that he’s like “watch me drink soda and eat cookies even though I’m about to drop dead due to diabetes”. That’s like David Blaine or Criss Angel saying “watch me fall from the Empire State Building, hurdling to the ground below without a harness!” One of the comments on YouTube was “I think he’s dead cause he hasn’t posted a new video in weeks”. Yikes!

I hope you’re still alive Fat Man. Because you’re an inspiration to us all!

Drunk Monkeys June 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, funny, humor, sarcasm, sex, television, video.
10 comments

Yep…the title sort of says it all. Go to the link below or visit the blogger version of this site to view the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBw-actpemc

Funny that this appeared on Animal Planet…although must have been in their “adult primate” block…you know that riske programming they air from 2-3am when people have stopped searching for softcore porn on skinamax and stumble across “those chance for animal porn” channels like Animal Planet and Discovery Channel. Nothing like seeing 2 horses mounting each other to get you in the mood to bust out the KY and roll of paper towels!

For Real? June 21, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in comedy, common sense, critique, current events, funny, humor, opinion, sarcasm, stupidity, weird, world news.
16 comments

So get this…a New Zealand couple has been barred from calling their newborn son: “4real”.

Yes, they actually want to name their child “4real”.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070621/ap_on_fe_st/odd_new_zealand_baby_name

I mean…why not name their child 4real? There’s tons of famous people with numbers in their name. I mean look how famous 2Pac became! What about that guy 50cent? He’s done pretty well for himself. So why not 4real?

According to the article, the couple was told by New Zealand’s Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, that “names beginning with a number were against the rules”.

Against the rules? What rules would those be? Those rules that “society” imposed on us. Is there some sort of naming law out there we don’t know about? Does everyone need to be named “Bob” or “Jim” or “Mary”?

The Registry further states that the “rules are designed to prevent names that are likely to cause offense to a reasonable person”.

Yes because 4real is sooooooo offensive. Wait your name is 4real? Fuck you, you heartless bastard. Why don’t you just die!

At least 4real is easy to pronounce, unlike the names of some other people from other countries, like Madagascar.

Plus this kid could have all sorts of nicknames. Like “foe”…or “real”…or “four”. At least they weren’t thinking of naming him something like Oswipe. Or Dick (no offense to those Richard’s or Dick’s out there of course).

I think this just opened the door for all sorts of possibilities. It wasn’t too long ago that there was a big hubbub over that couple that wanted a corporate sponsor for their baby’s name.

In fact if I ever decide to populate this world with a child (heathen) then I may just throw out the naming book and be inventive.

How bout naming my child “4shizzle”? Or “2badtobegood”. Or “1+1=getoutofmyfacemothafucka”.

The possibilities are endless!

Out of it June 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, breakfast, coffee, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, sex, weird.
25 comments

I’m completely out of it. Once again I blame the humidity. This morning walking over to the train we passed this pimped out yellow Corvette. I barely even noticed it when Bridget said “that’s hysterical”. As I walked by I noticed that emblazened on the windshield in graffiti type lettering it said “Mr. Cock”. After twenty steps or so Bridget was like “You’re not gonna take a picture of that?” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. Maybe I was still sleeping. But seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I should have been all over that this am. Like, that writing was kind of big, maybe he’s a BIG Cock. Or maybe he should change his name to Mr. Blank A Doodle Doo. But nothing.

But I’m not the only one struggling this morning. Most people couldn’t even make it up the subway stairs at 33rd street. Everyone is moving in slow motion. I swear I almost had to pick the guy up in front of me and carry him up the stairs. You know people are struggling when the line at Starbucks is 3 times as long as it normally is. I went to get an Iced Latte in hopes it would jolt me, but the line was ridiculous. At least 50 people long. Fuck that. I went and got Naked instead.

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Yes…with “a pound of fruit in every bottle” who needs coffee? With heart healthy omega-3’s and over 1,000 mg of potassium i’m rejuvenated and ready to roll. It also contains 570 mg of something called Red Algae in it. Actually on the side of the bottle they refer to it as “red sea algae”.

I did some research and lo and behold “Red algae is marketed to treat candida, herpes simplex virus and other chronic ailments”. It’s also the same algae that helps make the Red Sea red. Huh. Who knew.

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Is this a worker from Naked collecting red sea algae?

But I’m glad that by drinking the stuff I’ll be reducing my risks of genital herpes and yeast infections. Cause lord knows there’s nothing worse than a yeast infection. Can’t have that bitter beer taste in your mouth.

Ok…wait…so that came out completely wrong. I was trying to make a joke about beer and the yeast in it and how if you drink bad beer you could get a “yeast infection”. But y’all are gonna think I was talking about performing oral on a girl that has a yeast infection and that would give you a bitter taste in your mouth.

Ok…on that note…I think I’m gonna lay low for a while. I’ll be back once everyone is done throwing up all over their keyboard.

Light my fire June 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in sarcasm, stupidity, video, world news.
16 comments

Obviously this girl was listening to the Doors when she went to remove the gas pump from her car (or go to the Blogger version of this site to view the video):

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2035747833

Didn’t she hear about that whole static electricity thing urban myth and how you’re not supposed to get in your car and then out of your car and remove the gas nozzle?

She’s definitely very lucky the car didn’t explode on her. Although I love how after she put the fire out she ran away. I wonder if they’ll charge her for the extra gas she “burned”.

Speaking of fire…I’m sure you’ve all seen this video a hundred times, but I know a few of you haven’t yet. It’s of a car crashing into a toll booth down in New Jersey (or go to the Blogger version of this site to view the video):

http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/21753/

Obviously the guy didn’t make it.

Not sure what’s with my mood today. Maybe because it’s upper 80s outside and a good beach day and I’m stuck working. Maybe cause it’s only Tuesday and still have a full week of work ahead. All I feel like doing right now is heading to the beach with a case of Corona’s and getting “toasted” (both by the sun and by the alcohol). At this point I’ll even take the syringe-infused waters off Coney Island! But I guess I can just peer outside the window and daydream.

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