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Copycats! Copycats! May 17, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, critique, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, rats.
36 comments

Before I delve into some of the wonderful food adventures we had in London, a coworker of mine, Mara (who you’ll remember as having taken down that 29 pound turkey on her first hunt), came over to my desk yesterday morning with a “scoop” for me. It seems that the folks at “Time Out New York” did a story on the best walks to do in New York City. But lo and behold, in their story they had a sidebar called “Walk of Shame” in which they discussed giving “violations” for offenders of “pedestrian crimes”.

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Hmm. Does this idea sound familiar? It should, considering that back in March I unveiled a posting on the “Rules of Pedestrian Engagement”.

I have tons of admiration for Time Out New York and often keep issues for months and years as references. And the Time Out New York crew obviously has a larger budget than I do (my budget is a whopping nil, zilch, zero, none, you get the point). They were even able to go out and produce video of their reporter dressed up as a policewoman, zapping pedestrians for their violations and giving them tickets (again, sounds a little familiar doesn’t it?)

Some of the violations they handed out were for:

“Walking too slow in a crowded area”

“Stopping in an inconvenient place”

“Stopping at the top of the stairs at a subway station”

And…drumroll please…

“Walking side by side in a group of three or more”

Now…as much as I love Time Out New York for their articles and viewpoint on New York City life I became very suspicious. Especially considering the violation I had specifically discussed giving pedestrians was:

“Persons in groups of three or more who are walking together side by side”

Hmm…can someone say plagiarism?

Now I know my blog is not as popular as say Gawker or any of the other celebrity or humor blogs out there, but how was I to know that someone hadn’t seen my blog, read that post and decided that that would make a great idea for a story. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I wrote a letter to Time Out New York explaining I was a loyal reader and that I was curious on where they got their idea and inspiration for this pedestrian rules story being that I had covered a similar story months back.

I got a prompt and courteous response back from their deputy editor saying that their ideas are discussed in their brainstorming sessions, and they had an idea about walking etiquette in general and came up with some nagging pedestrian gripes, like walking in threes, impeding traffic, etc. They assured me they had no knowledge of my blog and thanked me for also shedding light on the subject.

I thought it was very nice of them to send a response in acknowledgement. And I’m sure their initial response was like, “Fuck this guy, we’re Time Out New York, who gives a shit about his little blog”. And rightly so. But in this day and age of “The Blogger” and with journalistic integrity under scrutiny now more than ever, I was a little disappointed they didn’t research their subject a little before going to press with the story. Not to say pedestrian rules haven’t been discussed before in many aspects and I know I’m certainly not the first nor the last to come up with zany ideas on how to punish pedestrian rule violators. However, I know that with my journalism background, Journalism 101 says always research your subject to see if it’s been discussed before.

I know I do that with this blog, and if come across an idea that has been discussed already, I’ll decide if my spin on things is unique and then move forward from there. If my idea is not fresher or better than the one already out there, maybe I’ll acknowledge the point and give credit to the person who came up with the idea. Case and point, I (ok…Bridget) thought up an idea when I launched this blog over a year ago to call myself “America’s Next Top Blogger”, after the widely popular “America’s Next Top Model” show with Tyra Banks. However, a quick Google search yielded some people had already used that term so I decided that I could just be seen “copying” off them even though I had the idea pop into my head without seeing it elsewhere.

Anyway, I was a little upset that no one on their team did any research on Pedestrian Rules or Pedestrian Violations or giving tickets to pedestrians in a humorous sort of angle. Not to say they necessarily would have seen my posting, but with just a little Google digging they could have seen the topic had been discussed. I do however applaud their ingenuity and brainstorming ideas and, taking the high road (which I almost never, ever do!) gave a kudos response back to their staff for the idea. I also mentioned they can feel free to contact me about future ideas, for which I of course was met with no response.

So I’m gonna give them the benefit of the doubt for now. Although I can proudly say that I “went to market” and developed an idea way before a whole staff of journalists did for a popular magazine! Just shows that thanks to blogs anyone can voice their opinions and ideas, no matter how far-fetched or arcane! And maybe they’ll take me up on my offer to help brainstorm a few ideas for them for future stories. Although that’s highly doubtful.

Anyway, this is a warning, Time Out New York staff. If I do see any articles in the future that even remotely resemble a topic I’ve discussed on this blog I’m calling bullshit on you! I’ll go to your offices and inflate one of those union rats in front of your building! I’ll say mean and nasty things about you…like your mother is a french prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet! So let this be a warning!

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An inflatable rat awaits the next person who plagiarizes this blog!

I’ll post more later on my food adventures through London, including my yummy rendez-vous with Fish and Chips and my experience at the widely popular chain, Wagamama.

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Bar Fight – The Story May 16, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, humor, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, stupidity, travel.
21 comments

So as promised (and because I know everyone’s been patiently waiting for it) here’s the story of the bar fight we witnessed in London.

Bridget (my girlfriend), Abriana (my sister) and I were exploring the East London area visiting the popular Indian/Bangladesh street known as Brick Lane. Brick Lane is home to some of the best Indian/Bangladeshi food in all of London so we figured we check out what all the hype was about.

We got to the strip around 5pm but alas all of the restaurants weren’t open till 5:30. So we decided to visit the only Irish bar on the strip next to one of the restaurants we wanted to try, called The Archers.

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The Archers is a small corner bar, with an inside wooden frame and clouds of smoke in the air. The bar contains a few bar stools and some side tables for seating. A very no frills type of bar, serving no food just alcohol.

There were only 4 other patrons in the bar when we walked in. Sitting at the bar was an English man, probably mid 50s in age, and a Russian couple, around the same age. Another younger guy of Indian/Bangladeshi decent was at the bar too, coming in and out.

There were three workers at the bar, two females and a male, who was the manager of the bar. I walked up to the bar and the Russian guy was talking to one of the female bartenders who appeared to be Russian. He was asking her where she was from Russia. She basically ignored him and just poured the glass of vodka he was asking for. The Russian man paid for his drinks and upon getting his change asked for change in paper (he received coin pounds for change). When she said that that was his change he mumbled something incoherently and proceed to pound his shot of vodka. The bartender poured my beers and I brought them to the table where we were sitting, which was right behind the Russian couple.

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Bridget and I with our beers moments before the fight erupted. The Russian man is behind my shoulder

No more than a minute later, the Russian man starts raising the back of his hand to the female bartender. The female bartender backed away and told the man to leave the bar. The male manager, a slight Indian man, about 5’5” tall and maybe 150 lbs soaking wet came over and took the man’s shot glass away and said something to the effect of “no more, you’re cut off”. The Russian man didn’t take too kindly to that, and grabbed a beer mug and smashed it on one of the taps of the bar. The Russian man was a bulking man, about 6’2” tall and easily over 250 lbs. Plus he was stumbling, incoherently drunk. He took the broken glass and started threatening the Indian male with it. In response, the Indian man broke a glass of his own and threatened the Russian man right back.

We decided at that point we should get out of harm’s way so we moved to the side. The Russian man proceed to drop his broken glass and pick up a bar stool. He cracked the bar stool on the ground, breaking the legs off. He swung the bar stool across the bar, knocking over a few more mugs in the process. Sensing this was about to get out of control, we quickly gathered our stuff and left the bar. Bridget, being the smart Irish woman she is, grabbed her beer and took it outside. My sister and I, left our beers on the table inside as chair swinging and glass breaking continued. Seeing that our full beers were sitting on the table, I ran back in, retrieved our prize possessions and ran back outside looking for anyone to call the police.

While asking the friendly Indian neighbors to call the cops we were left with blank stares. I yelled out, “can anyone call the police….anyone…policia?” met with utter silence. One person asked what’s going on in there and I said your bar is being destroyed. They shook it off like it was no big deal. It was like only gun shots may have prompted a call to the cops.

Peering back inside the bar, the Russian man went to the side of the bar to get behind the bar. The Indian man took a stool of his own to cut off his path. The Indian man held his own despite the 6 or 7 inch height difference, shouting to the male to leave. The younger Indian gentleman at the bar tried to calm the Russian down…but to no avail. The wife of course just stood there idly with no control over her husband. I mean if the guy was willing to hit a female bartender why wouldn’t he hit his wife?

In the meantime my sister decided to call the cops. The fight inside continued with another stool being broken and glass strewn about the floor. The bar manager had his back against the wall and fought off the Russian valiantly. Finally after 5 minutes of back and forth of jousting, screaming and pleading, the Russian man left the bar.

We walked back inside the bar and the bar manager was catching his breath and white as a ghost (maybe not white…but white as he could be for his skin tone). The female bartender started sweeping up the glass and picking up the broken stools. We informed them we had called the cops, which apparently didn’t go over well with them (seems like they didn’t want to be bothered). The Russian man stumbled outside and his female companion came back into the bar to get their change they apparently left on the bar! Some fuckin nerve huh? You destroy a bar, then come back in to get your change. In the states, they would have been tossed out in the streets and wouldn’t dare come back. But since this bar was “outmanned” size wize they had no muscle to enforce their own defense.

Anyway, the female bartender gave the lady back her change to avoid any further trouble. The couple stumbled away, going around the corner. I kept tabs on their whereabouts along with the other Indian gentleman who was helping to diffuse the fight. They had gone into a store next door and minutes later the cops had arrived (nothing like a timely arrival guys). We instantly directed them in the direction of the gentlemen but meanwhile it looked like nothing had happened to the bar. All of the glass was swept up, and the broken chairs were disposed with. The police were confused when they came in, but we had to point them to all of the broken glass that was swept up to even show an indication of the fight. I mean, really, I’d be like, look what that fuck did to my bar. Its like bar manager didn’t even care.

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The bar back to normal after the brawl

The cops eventually arrested and placed the Russian in the paddywagon. Apparently he had finished 7 beers at the liquor store next door by the time the cops got to him. That’s 7 beers in about 3 minutes if you’re counting at home. One cop came into the bar to take statements, and my sister, since she called the cops, was elected to go off and provide her statements. 

The bar manager chose not to press charges against the Russian man. Instead of thanking us we basically got an annoyed look from them like we’re the ones who caused trouble. Well excuse us for caring, maybe you would have thought differently had your throat been slashed to your veins. You think they would have bought us a round of drinks? Nope. They just went about their normal business, albeit a bit shaken by the events that just transpired. I asked the bar manager if they have fights often and he said not really…that’s the first one he’s had in a year.

Anyway, after my sister was cross-examined by the police and gave her statement the cop told us to get out of the neighborhood by sunlight. Apparently East London is rough and tumble and not a place to venture at night.

Anyway, I guess you had to be there to witness the fight. I’ve seen my share of bar fights before, but never one that was such a mismatch in size. I had a camera on me and I was tempted to take pictures and video, but didn’t want to have my camera confiscated as evidence. I would have tried to break up the fight as well, if I was in my own country and knew the bar. But in a foreign country trying to break up a fight between a drunk Russian and an Indian with broken mugs in their hands as weapons I was wise to stay out of it. Besides, I think America’s done enough meddling in foreign countries…I don’t need to add to that persona!

Stay tuned for my food reviews and other comments about my journey to the UK.

Mow em’ Down! May 15, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, fashion, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, sarcasm, signs, subways, travel.
22 comments

Howdy everyone! I’m finally back from my jaunt over to London and let me tell you I’m glad to see the sun again. I almost forgot what it looked like. I think I saw the sun for a total of 15 minutes over a 4 day period in London. No joke. Maybe the Upper Uncton Bundy curse is still on.

Anyway have some great stories to share over the next few days with you all, but wanted to comment about some of the profound differences I found between London and New York. One of the major differences I saw right away was the lack of fat people. Seriously, is there anyone in London that weighs over 200 pounds? If you switched transportation systems and placed London tubes/underground in New York half the people wouldn’t be able to fit through the doors let alone fit in the seats! It’s crazy, some of the half doors that open on the trains, I was inches away from having to carry a stick of butter with me to fit through the door (if I have to explain that reference to you, you’re reading the wrong blog!).

And then there’s the seats themselves. The padding on the chairs is a great touch and the arm rests are great. But good luck to any fat people. I think the max someone can be to squeeze into a seat on the Tube is 250 pounds. At most.

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My sister on the “skinny seat person” tube. You think John Pinette would fit in those seats? I think not.

Anyone weighing over 250 pounds their fat would literally start spilling over the arm rests. I know, disgusting sight. But it’s the truth. But can’t say I actually saw anyone over 250 pounds on the Tube to prove my theory.

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The tube is a great way to get around London, unless you’re fat

That and no one has an ass out in London. Everyone’s ass is flat as a board. Both Bridget and my sister noticed that, and then when I paid attention I noticed that too. Crazy. Maybe that’s why the Tubes are so narrow…no worries about anyone’s “badunkadunk” getting in the way.

The second difference between New York and London has to do with pedestrians. In New York, pedestrians rule the roost. We can stop traffic just by crossing the street and cause traffic jams all by ourselves by refusing to let cars pass as soon as the Walk sign appears. In London, however, pedestrians are lower on the food chain than ants. Seriously. So much as place a toe out into the street and say goodbye to your digit. You WILL get run down. Besides the whole getting used to looking the other way for traffic nonsense, there’s no stepping off the curb in London to get a head start on crossing the street. Cars DON’T slow down. They speed up. Buses, cabs, bicycles, you name it. Crossing a busy street in London is like trying to play Level 20 in Frogger…you’re inches away from being road kill. In NYC, you have a better chance because cars will at least swerve to avoid you once in a while. But in London, fughetaboutit. Even as a brazen New Yorker who will cross in the most adverse conditions I kept my feet planted on the curb in London.

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If you’re confused by the signs, don’t step off the curb in London

This just in…I found out through a friend there are indeed fat people in London. Found out they live in the South somewhere away from the fashion-centric inner city. They just take the roomier commuter trains and avoid the Tube at all costs. Whew…glad to know not everyone out there is a stick figure.

There’s plenty more fun stories coming your way, including a bar fight between a 300 pound Russian and a 150 pound Indian so stay tuned!

Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted May 10, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, comedy, funny, humor, movies, nostaglia, pedestrian behavior, random references, sarcasm, stupidity, television, travel, video.
28 comments

So tonight Bridget & I are off to London for a weekend Jaunt to visit my sister who is studying abroad for the semester. I have never visited the U.K. before although have heard many fun stories about the island from friends and acquaintances throughout the years.

In fact this will only be my second trip across the pond (I went to Ireland in Feb 04) so I’m definitely looking forward to getting “my knickers in a twist”, eating some fried paddock & chips and checking out all that London has to offer.

Although perhaps my favorite impression of England came a few years back when I got some audio clips of pranksters who played a joke on the PA system in Heathrow. Most of my crew has heard these before…but the rest of you may not have.

The pranksters had the airport PA announcers read off names of “passengers” who they were waiting for. These passengers had “hard to pronounce” names which made the PA announcements all the more funnier. Without giving it away too much, go here to listen the audio clips. Definitely good for a few laughs. Especially the “Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted” one! I know I would have started cracking up had I heard that in the airport!

Anyway, I’m hoping to be able to post updates when I’m overseas but in case I’m too busy continuously riding around Big Ben and Parliament, the next update won’t come until Monday.

I know, I know…how can ANYONE possibly live without a What Pushes My Buttons update for 3 days??? What’s this world coming to!!! Well to make it up to you, enjoy these clips from European vacation to hold you over for a few days:

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”It’s mearly a flesh wound”

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“Look kids…Big Ben…Parliament

Pump it Up May 9, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in brooklyn, comedy, critique, fashion, funny, humor, movies, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, sarcasm, sex, subways.
22 comments

So taking the subway back from my mom’s house in Brooklyn late last night I spotted something I hadn’t seen in a while. No, not someone taking a piss on the train (although come to think of it I haven’t seen that in a good few months). I saw a pair of Reebok pumps. You know the old school pumps that were all the rage back in the day.

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I spy a pair of Reebok Pumps

The guy wearing them was a tall white guy who looked like a cross between Randy Johnson and Tom Hanks, complete with the Randy Johnson half mullet. There was also a lady on the train who looked like Hedda Nussbaum, without the bruises all over her face (ouch – although I think that reference is wayyyy too random for mostly anyone…but me of course!)

Anyway this guy was also wearing some highwater acid washed blue jeans so he obviously just stepped out of 1987. The only thing that could have made him a man of the “double zeros” is some Jovan Sex Appeal!

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For those guys who weren’t born with “sex appeal”

Cause you know nothing says “sex appeal” like some good ole Jovan Musk. I love the line: “This provocative, stimulating blend of rare spices and herbs was created by man for the sole purpose of attracting woman. At will.”

Rare spices and herbs. Nice…cause you know I’ve also wanted to smell like ground cumin mixed with oregano and lilacs. Come to think of it, I think I threw away every bottle of Jovan Musk I’ve ever gotten as a present. Or used it to ward off those imaginary vampires I battled as a child. I mean for christ’s sake, was that the only cologne that was produced in the 80s? (Along with Stetson for Men or Brut of course). Seriously, the shit smelled like formaldehyde. I think funeral directors used it to embalm corpses. No joke.

I saw this bottle of Jovan Musk “Sex Appeal” at Walmart last weekend – which explains everything of course – because nothing says upscale cologne like a cologne sold at Wal-Mart. I resisted putting on some Sex Appeal lest I want to be followed around Wal-Mart by some lady named Betsy with bad teeth. And wouldn’t you know…right next to the Jovan Musk on the Wal-Mart shelf was – you guessed it – Stetson.

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Stetson Black – Finally you too can smell like a mixture of wilting catcus and three day old chewin tobacco

Okay. Okay. I’ll stop with the Wal-Mart cracks and the knocks against Stetson and Jovan Musk. I know there’s millions of guys out there who unfortunately wear the shit. Plus last I checked I wasn’t on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and therefore don’t qualify to make fun of Rednecks. Although I give Wal-Mart some props – the store does have some damn good values. Mmm…hmm…that’s right child.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy day today as I cram in some last second projects before heading off to London on Thursday night. And suddenly today has become meeting day which hasn’t really helped matters much. In fact off to another 2 hour one right now. Great…thanks Milton. Don’t they know I’m busy. I have a meeting with the Bobs’.

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Terrible call…just terrible May 8, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, baseball, breakfast, coffee, comedy, common sense, critique, current events, eating, food, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, sports, stupidity, television, video, yankees.
26 comments

So last night I was at the Yankees game with Bridget, Paul and Juliana (thanks to Juliana for getting corporate seats for last night’s game that were only 13 rows off the field allowing me to scalp my meager bleacher seats). In typical Yankees fashion they failed to score any runs with runners in scoring position, leaving the bases loaded once and leaving 6 runners in scoring position for the game. Just one hit in that situation would have yielded at least one run – but clutch this team is not.

Anyway, they actually got a decent pitching performance from their rookie starter Matt DeSalvo, who went 7 strong innings, only giving up 1 run on 3 hits (2 of which came in the first inning). Nursing a 2-1 lead in the 8th, Kyle Farnsworth came on to pitch. With two outs, Jose Vidro hit a cheap ground ball up the middle just past the reach of Jeter. Willie Bloomquist came on as a pinch runner for Vidro. What happened next will go down as one of the worst calls in major league history – and I was there to witness it first hand.

Bloomquist tried to steal second. Posada’s throw was on line and Robinson Cano applied the tag in plenty of time to tag out the stealing Bloomquist. However the umpire called him safe.

Safe.

Take a look at this picture.

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How many feet was he out by? Three? Four? And he was called safe.

You can view the video recap of the game to see the replays

Granted the game is played at full speed, but still, it was plainly obvious to everyone in the stadium that he was out by a mile. Even using the cardinal rule of “the ball beating the player” would have been excuse enough to call him out. But come on dude that wasn’t a hard one to make. It wasn’t even close to being a “bang bang” play. The umpire, Gerry Davis, flat out blew the call. Mr. Davis will now go down in infamy as making one of the worst umpiring calls in recent memory. Right there along with the infamous Don Denkinger call in game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Cardinals and the Royals that ultimately cost the Cardinals the game and the series.

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There’s also a famous portrait out there that shows an ump making a safe call at first when the player was out by a few feet. It wasn’t a Normal Rockwell, but something similar. Despite searching this “wealth of information” we call the “internet”, alas I can’t find shit on it. But I used to have the damn picture so I know it exists. Maybe I’ll have to dig it up tonight at my parent’s house.

Anyway, back to the game. Much to my surprise, Don Mattingly, who was filling in as manager due to a suspended Joe Torre, didn’t come out to argue the call. Cano hopped away thinking he made the tag but didn’t raise a fuss. The call was that bad it was shocking. But the Yankees lack any fire and passion this season so they didn’t argue the call. If I were them I’d be hopping mad. I’d scream in the umps face. Make him throw me out. But nope, they went along with their “gentlemanly play”. If that was Paul O’Neill out there he would’ve argued until they carried him off with police escorts. Same with Billy Martin or Lou Pinella. But nope…this team has a much passion as a quilting night at a senior citizens home.

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You know damn well Zimmer would’ve protested the call last night, helmet and all

Granted, the call was completely terrible, but you got to score more runs than 2, especially with the offense the Yankees have.

But the game will be remembered for the bad call. Even if it’s “only May” and the call was not made in a crucial playoff or World Series game thus it may not get the attention it deserves. But it should. Because it should go down as one of the worst baseball calls of all time.

Thankfully for my own sanity I had the salvation of a Starbucks Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte this morning to put me in a better mood. That, along with an Apple Fritter (with its 0 grams of fat – its much better than it looks btw!), made my morning much cheerier thanks to the impending sugar rush that came along with the meal. Oh Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Whipped Cream, how do I love thee, let me count the ways!

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Post Blog Note: Apparently umpire Gerry Davis admitted to blowing the call.

“The throw was to the first-base side and pulled Robinson toward me a little bit, so I couldn’t see the runner’s hands. Normally when the runner is tagged on his backside, his hands are at the bag. That obviously wasn’t the case tonight,” Davis said.

Umm…yeah, but how do you miss something that far off? I mean it would be different if Bloomquist was closer to the bag, but the ump “assumed” that the runner was safe because the tag came on his legs. Come on. Umpiring 101 says you need to watch the play or get in position to make a call. Not just assume that because the tag was on his legs the runner was safe. Especially when he was 4 feet off the bag. Bushleague.

No more Freedom Fries! May 7, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, basketball, celebrities, comedy, critique, current events, dogs, eating, fashion, food, funny, humor, lunch, movies, nostaglia, opinion, politics, random references, religion, sarcasm, sports, television, world news.
31 comments

So with the news over the weekend that conservative, and pro-American Nicolas Sarkozy was elected as the new French President, I guess it’s time we all finally say goodbye to the Freedom Fry.

If you remember, freedom fries were concocted after the French refused to show any sympathy or support for the US after 9/11. Many irate U.S. congressmen were so appauled by France’s non-support they mandated that we could no longer refer to anything with French in its name.

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Everything and anything French had become taboo.

French fries became freedom fries

French toast became freedom toast

French poodles were massacred by the dozens. Those French poodles who escaped the massacres were called Freedom Poodles

French dressing was banned and all containers containing French dressing were relabeled Thousand Island dressing (since half of American citizens can’t tell the damn difference between the two anyway).

French braids were banned. Anyone wearing French braids was sent to the gallows to be hung

French kissing was banned. Anyone caught French kissing had their tongues sliced off.

French Dips were aptly renamed “Roast Beef sandwiches dipped in an American made gravy”.

The movie French Kiss was banned from all video store shelves.

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Even Meg Ryan felt the wrath of the Anti-French movement

Even Vidal Sassoon products were boycotted and his salons were torched. It was a bad time in American culture as we basically committed genocide against anything that had French in its name or even sounded remotely French. But now that France has basically taken a tumble in the past few years, with high unemployment rates, a struggling economy and racial tensions running rampant, the French people actually used Democracy to dictate a change. And their voices were heard loud and clear by electing Sarkozy – a pro-American politician who now faces the daunting task of turning his country around.

So citizens of France: We forgive you for basically turning your backs on us after we saved your asses in WWII. We forgive you for not willing to send any of your troops or offer assistance against our “war on terror”. We even forgive you for giving us Tony Parker who basically stole our hottest American girl away from us (Eva Longoria). We do not forgive you however for Frederic Weis, who inexplicably was the Knicks draft choice in 1999 and who refused to play basketball in the NBA thus causing the Knicks to waste a pick. The fact that you even produced a 7 footer in France is incredibly shameful considering how “soft” your country has become. I mean he should have been ruthless on the court, like a Napoleon or Marie Antoinette. Instead he was softer than Charmin. Don’t believe us? Well just watch Vince Carter basically jump OVER him during the 2000 Olympics when the U.S. played France

Anyway, except for Mr. Weis, we forgive you French people. On behalf of all American citizens living on the mainland and abroad, I’m happy to officially announce our truce with France and the abolition of the Freedom Fry once and for all!

Viva la French Fry!

Viva la France!

Also want to send out happy birthday wishes to Tom and to Jason. Or in Jason’s case it’s: Taredartzet shnorhavor!

Part of a nutritious breakfast May 4, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, coffee, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, nostaglia, opinion, photos, pictures, rachel ray, random references, sarcasm, television, weird.
38 comments

Growing up we all saw those “nutritious breakfast” commercials. Where the mother and children are sitting at the kitchen table and the children have a whole smorgasbord of food in front of him to start their day off right. You know the whole “part of a nutritious breakfast” plugs that the cereal companies normally advertised. The ones that contained:

The bowl of cereal

The slice of toast

The scrambled eggs

The glass of OJ

The apple or orange

The occasional slice of bacon

I have to say as I child I tried to have a nutritious breakfast each day before school. Normally it was a bowl of cereal since that was the quickest and easiest. But it wasn’t your healthy cereal, like Corn Flakes or Bran Flakes or Raisin Bran or Chex. Nope, my fat ass wanted the Golden Grahams, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the Crunchberries, the Count Chocula or the Frosted Flakes that were always being advertised. Two scoops of raisins? Wheat and corn double sided Chex? Nigga please. More like 10 scoops of sugar for me. The more sugar, the better! Or if I was running late and needed to run out of the door quickly, the pack of sugar laded Pop Tarts more than did the trick.

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Cereals such as Fruit Brute and Post Mortems are all part of your child’s nutritious breakfast

On weekends? Well my friends, that was time for cholesterol heaven. My weekend breakfast courtesy of my dad or grandmother was either fried salami and eggs or corned beef hash and eggs or butter laden French toast. All the healthy stuff that sits in your stomach all day never to be digested.

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Nothing says healthy breakfast like a side serving of Corned Beef Hash

But these days who has time for healthy and nutritious breakfasts? I mean most of us are on the go, eating whatever is quickest and most convenient. Myself included. My breakfast mostly consists of a deli bought egg & cheese or toasted bialy/bagel. Or if I’m in a rush, the cup of tea and donut/buttered roll from the street vendor. Hardly the breakfast of champions, I know. Hell, even Rachel Ray herself, the queen of the quick meal, now endorses Dunkin Donuts, who basically make a living promoting breakfast on the go.

So the other day I actually got up early enough to make myself a “nutritious” breakfast. Shocking, even for myself. But since I’m the “omelet master” thanks to my days being a short-order cook at a Bagel shop up by Marist, I can whip up breakfast fairly quickly. So I whipped up a one-egg yolk/two egg white omelet (less yolks means less of that cholesterol nonsense everyone’s worried about these days) with cheddar cheese. For my “meat” requirement I sizzled up two slices of South Beach Diet approved Turkey Bacon. And I even was able to add in the quintessential breakfast “must-haves” in the way of Soy Chocolate milk and a healthy glass of OJ.

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I could’ve filmed one of those “healthy breakfast” commercials with the meal I whipped up

But unfortunately I eat these types of breakfasts too few and far between. But I take comfort knowing that I’m not alone. I did a Google search this am on nutritious breakfast. And I found some good ones I’d like to share with you today. After all, wasn’t Friday always “show and tell” day at school? Although I think they banned show & tell in my elementary school once one kid pulled down his pants and said this is what my daddy told me to show the girls to impress them. Ok, maybe the kid just pulled down his pants and didn’t say anything. But either way, show & tell was banned ok??? Anyway, here are some delicious breakfast ideas sure to get your day off to a fast moving start!

1. Everything you could ever need to get your day off to a great start. Once you’ve filled your stomach with eggs, bacon, sausage and the all-important tator tots, then you can move onto the glazed scone, muffins and french toast sticks. This my friends is what breakfast is all about!
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2. Stack em high and stack em proud! Nothing says “get me ready for a light day on my feet” more than a short stack of pancakes. Add the extra syrup for a sugar rush and you’re ready to pound the pavement!
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3. Sunny side up egg, toast, 2 sausage links, 2 slices of bacon. Oh hell yeah – that’s breakfast! But wait…don’t forget about the grilled tomato, the vegetable puree, the homefries patty and the sauteed mushrooms! Nothing says breakfast like mushrooms!
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4. Umm….yeah…not sure where this fits into the traditional American breakfast of carbs and cholesterol. Fruit? That’s for wussies! Portion control? What’s that? Everything about this breakfast is a big thumbs down. Except for the fish. Besides, what’s more quicker and convenient than chewing on a raw fish for breakfast! Plus it fills your daily need for fish oils!
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5. Now, that’s more like it! Eggs benedict! That quintessential American breakfast. The creamy, fat filled Hollandaise sauce. The indigestion-bearing Canadian Bacon. The poached eggs and English Muffin. Yum-O! Add in a side of home fries and if you must, some melon, and my friends you’re ready to take on the world and go shopping for that skin-tight bathing suit for the summer! Make sure to down a few Bloody Mary’s before you go so you’re extra-skinny when you try on that two-piece or that speedo!
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Crazy Train May 3, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, bathroom humor, funny, humor, muppets, new york city, pedestrian behavior, photos, pictures, random references, subways, television.
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So after playing racquetball for a few hours last night down at the NYHRC on Whitehall Street, I headed back uptown on the 5 train. I was able to secure a seat on the train although it was semi-crowded for 10pm. At Fulton Street more passengers came on the train, including a very bizarre interracial couple. The white guy had big bushy blond hair with a pink headband that had a large metallic reflector on it. The black girl had big dreadlocked hair that was pushed back by a white headband (unfortunately no reflectors for her). At first glance I didn’t know if they were people or Fraggle Rock characters.

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The couple on the train looked very “Fraggle-esque”

While everyone has different fashion sense, and certain this was one of those couples, the male was holding something unusual on the train – a stuffed Panda Bear. Its not too often you see a grown man with a Panda Bear on a train, but then again this is NYC, you see just about anything here. I would have been more impressed if the panda was real.

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I hope the Panda Bear paid his fare too

Anyway, another young male (early 20s) sits across from me. He looked to be exhausted as he slumped over to put his head on his bookbag. There was a guy sandwiched between him and another gentlemen who was getting squashed by the young male who was slumped over in his seat. The guy who was getting sandwiched kept clearing his throat to let the young man know that he was basically two inches away from giving him a lap dance. The guy looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders in an “I feel bad for you dude” sorta way. Anyway, the train pulls out of Grand Central as this young male keeps slumping over. As we make the turn coming out of Grand Central all of the sudden the young male pukes. Yes, he puked. And wouldn’t you know, the vomit splashes across the aisle and some of it splashes onto my duffel bag that was sitting between my legs.

Are you kidding? I look at the youth and he was pale as a ghost. I get up from my seat and stand over by the door. Luckily I had some tissues on me so I could wipe my bag. A few other people, including the guy being squashed left their seats and got away from Mt. Vesuvius. Fortunately he didn’t throw up again, and got off the train at 59th. The same guy who was being squashed earlier looked at me and laughed. Actually a few people were trying not to laugh. After initially being mad, I just shook my head and smiled. Because I too have puked on the subway before (although it was at 3am and I was completely fucking hammered). Plus I know he probably didn’t mean too. It’s just my luck that he happened to puke in front of me.

I guess that’s what I get for taking a picture of the Panda Bear on the train. Apparently the bear didn’t like to be photographed and summoned this youth to puke in front of me.

So Mr. Panda Bear, if you’re reading, I apologize for taking your picture. I know that paparazzi stalk you everywhere you go and now you’re starting to get even. You win. No more pictures.

Tap That Ass! May 2, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in baseball, basketball, bathroom humor, celebrities, funny, hockey, humor, new york city, opinion, sex, sports, yankees.
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So as discussed on this blog before, I run into some interesting characters on my way to the subway in the am through the EHP (East Harlem Projects). This am was no different as I passed by a group of young men and women (probably in their early 20’s) hanging out outside one of the public schools on 102nd and 2nd. As I’m walking past I hear one of the male youths tell the group:

“Yo, yo, check this. Last night I bent that bitch over and pow – I tapped that ass”. The young man made a slapping motion with his hand to emphasize his point.

The group started laughing and hollering and I turned my head towards them as I walked by and laughed. The guy who was telling the animated story then says:

“Yo – even the white dude knows what I’m talking about. Kapow”. Followed by more laughs. I just shook my head and laughed and kept walking as he kept telling the rest of the story.  (For the record I ain’t know nothin’ bout no ass tappin!)

I guess its just one of those things where it’s funnier when you hear it first hand, but nonetheless I got a nice laugh out of it. Unfortunately its been about the only thing I could laugh about today since it looks like a tornado hit my desk this morning. That and I have a small novel to work through in the way of an 18 page RFP from one of our prospective advertisers. Seriously, 18 pages for a request for proposal! It’s not like we’re talking about bidding for the Olympics here! (although only those in the media/advertising space will understand what I’m talking about).

Anyway I’m disappointed no Vinny Goombats sightings at the Rangers game last night. Although my “friend” was probably too busy banging Jason Kidd’s ex-wife while the team was in Toronto last night. Actually I’m gonna go out on a limb and almost guarantee that’s where he was last night. Scumbag.

On a happier note, I’m glad the Yankees decided to score some runs for a change last night. Although it figures that Hughes pulls his hamstring in the 7th in the middle of a no-hitter. I have a feeling its gonna be that kind of season for the Yanks pitching staff. So Mr. Torre, Mr. Cashman – if you’re reading – I’m a lefty. I can hit high 70s on the radar gun. And I throw strikes. No movement. Just straight “fat” pitches smack down the middle. I mean if Chase Wright can be a major leaguer, why can’t I!