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Nice time remind me to bring ear plugs April 30, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in baseball, celebrities, comedy, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, television, video, white castle, yankees.
22 comments

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was fun filled, despite the Yanks blowing chunks against the Sox.  Although I did go to Saturday’s game which was won by the Yanks, 3-1.  Bridget and I went to the game and I swear at least half the stadium was Red Sox fans.  There were red shirts everywhere.  Despite the game being entertaining (and the Yanks finally winning for once) our experience was sort of soured by the two young females sitting behind us. Young as in the under 10 year old young.  Young as in their voices still hit shrieking levels that are as ear-splitting to humans as dog whistles are to dogs.  For four hours we were subjected to “Let’s go Yankees, let’s go!” and “Derek Jeter” chants and screams.  Which became incessancy annoying and louder as the game wore on, especially since they got into a shouting match with the two young boys in front of us (Red Sox fans).  Their voices were so piercing that Bridget and I nearly swore off having girls should we ever decide to populate the world someday.

I mean the parent should’ve stepped in and told the girls to quiet a little.  There was no reason to scream “Let’s go Yankees” between innings.  I mean as if our holding our ears weren’t an indication of how loud they were screaming.  I mean it’s great to bring your kids to a game and all, but like a crying baby during a movie, sometimes as a parent in that situation you just need to shut your child up! Now I can see why people bring earphones to the game!  Could you imagine how loud their screams would’ve been had I been using the Listen Up! device

I think they should enact a rule similar to ejecting people for being drunk and belligerent.  If your child shrieks to the point where other peoples ears start to bleed, they and their parents should be ejected from the game. Or forced to watch the game in a rubber, sound proof room where they can yell and scream as loud as they want.  Maybe something to keep in mind for the new stadium?

Anyway, Saturday was a lonnggg day of drinking but kudos to the crew (you know who you are) for hanging in till 2am!  And happy bday once again to Bridget!  Our trip to White Castle at 3am definitely helped soak up the alcohol we consumed and we’re happy to report we have another Chicken Ring fan in the way of Bridget!  Congrats and welcome to the club! 

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The Chicken Ring Club has another member!

For those “not in the club”, I’m telling you, if you haven’t tried them…do it. The White Castle chicken rings are much better than those Chicken Fries things at the BK! Plus you get like 20 of them in a sack for only $6.  Can’t beat that!

One of the funnier repeated sayings of the weekend was from the new ESPN commercial featuring Jorge Posada and David Ortiz.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s hysterical.  The premise is Ortiz is caught by the Red Sox mascot, Wally, wearing a Yankees hat.

The video appears on the Blogger version of this site or you can watch it here.

I love the line by Ortiz: “No Wally, No. It’s not what you think.”  Good stuff.  Pretty funny, especially if you’re in tune with the whole Red Sox vs Yankees rivalry. If not, then you probably won’t be as amused by it.

Anyway, it’s back to work to tend to more SPAM business.  That and I need to work on a Gore-Tex proposal. Although every time I think of Gore-Tex I think of that Seinfeld episode where George is wearing the Gore-Tex jacket and knocks over everything in the wine store.  In my opinion it’s one of the best episodes of Seinfeld ever.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dinner_Party_(Seinfeld_episode)

Although it’s more famously known for being the episode about two other things:  the debate on chocolate vs cinnamon babka and the infamous “Look to the Cookie” line where Jerry relates racial equality to a black and white cookie.

The video is available on the Blogger version of this site or you can watch it here

Although looking back at the clip maybe Michael Richards (Kramer) should have said that line instead of Jerry?  That could have saved him some trouble recently.  Hey-oh. 

Now That’s a Turkey! April 27, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, baseball, eating, food, funny, humor, hunting, movies, new york city, opinion, photos, pictures, sports, television, travel, video, white castle.
25 comments

So, last weekend one of my co-workers, Mara, went on her first hunt. She got invited to participate in a turkey hunt with a team of world renowned hunters known as the Drury’s. The Drury’s are best known for their hunting videos and programming, called Drury Outdoors.

Anyway, Mara had never hunted before in her life, and the fact that she got to experience her first hunt with a distinguished group of experts was a great learning experience. We were in the same hunter safety course together a few months ago and see was the first out of our group to have the opportunity to hunt (I’ve only gotten to shoot clay targets – unless you count playing Big Buck Hunter at the bar!).

There was tons of pressure on her, since undoubtedly she was nervous being that this was her first hunt. Also having to hunt with a team of expert hunters adds to that pressure since you basically don’t want to look like a fool. If that wasn’t enough to make your hands tremble, her hunt was also being filmed for television! Yikes. Nothing like getting thrown to the wolves (no pun intended).

For those who have never hunted turkey before it’s pretty intense. You have to be fully decked out in camouflage from head to toe since turkeys tend to notice florescent colors (normally you would wear hunter orange for safety, but for turkey hunting orange is a bad thing). You have to be incredibly quiet and still and shoot quickly. Since the target of a turkey is much smaller than say a Whitetail, you have to be accurate with your shot as well, lest you want turkey feathers flying around everywhere.

Anyway, I’m happy to report that Mara’s hunt was an incredible success! Not only that, but she took down a 29 pound turkey! That’s right. 29 pounds! Unreal! Most of the hunting experts, and some on staff here, have never taken any turkey over 25 pounds and most people don’t even get to see birds that size!

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Mara’s turkey was bigger than her!

View more pictures of the bird and learn more about her hunt here

Could you imagine how many people you could feed with a 29 pound turkey! That puts any Butterball turkey to shame, that’s for damn sure! How would you even fit that in an oven? You’d need an oven at least four times the size of an Easy Bake Oven to fit that turkey in it (a little Zoolander reference for you). Hopefully she’ll bring some leftovers in the office. I could use a few “Trips to Phan” right about now!

I know most of you out there are probably anti-hunting, especially those who were born and raised in the city, but for those that are “more forgiving” about hunting, you’ll probably appreciate a story like that.

On the lighter side of “news”, today is Friday (yippee!) and thus it’s What Pushes My Buttons video day! Woohoo.

Today’s video comes courtesy of Avi, who forwarded me this rap video parody of George Bush taking shots at Kanye West. Pretty humorous. I particularly love the part where Bush is wearing the bandana. Also there’s a funny part with Cheney and a shotgun (which ties in nicely to the turkey hunt story!). You can watch the video on the Blogger version of this site

Besides that I’m off to stadium on saturday to watch the Yankees undoubtedly drop their 7th game in a row courtesy of the Red Sox. And having the guys come down from Boston this weekend to rub it in should make the loss feel even better. All I can hope for is another trip to White Castle for a Crave Case to make me feel better! Maybe I can improve on my 9 burger showing from last time. Although this time around, its all about the chicken rings baby! uh huh.

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Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Not half bad! April 26, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in eating, food, humor, lunch, movies, new york city, opinion, random references, restaurant.
38 comments

So yesterday I took a walk for lunch to Madison Square Park (those will remember that my last time in the park I ran into a begging squirrel). On my way to the park I stopped at Subway (largely thanks to the $1.99 6” sub coupons I have at my desk). It was hotter than hell in the Subway for some reason and when I looked down at the cold cuts it looked like they were wilting away. So instead going with a cold cut sandwich like an Italian BMT or a Subway Club, I asked for grilled chicken. Lo and behold they were out of grilled chicken. Crap. (They were also out of coffee – brawl ensued. Airplane movie reference if you don’t get it). Scrambling, I saw the chicken cutlets and since they looked like the only healthy (as in appearance) alternative, I decided to go for a chicken parm.

Yes, a chicken parm. At Subway. I know, I know…I’m a Brooklyn boy. Getting a chicken parm at subway for me is like someone from New England ordering a Manhattan Clam Chowder. It’s just not right. I got the sandwich on Italian bread with provolone cheese (since they don’t have mozzarella cheese at Subway) and they toasted it in their “ovens”.

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Unconfirmed reports say Subway chains use Easy Bake Ovens to “toast” their sandwiches

For toppings I got tomato (added some sweetness) and green peppers (added some crunch). I got a drink with my sub and decided on a “crazy concoction” of ice tea, lemonade and fruit punch (talk about a sugar rush). After passing on the chips and cookies (although I love the cookies at Subway – very underrated. Especially the white chocolate macadamia), I ventured into the park searching for an open seat. I passed the Shake Shack which had an hour long line yet to order food no one was at the pick up counter waiting for their order. Hmm…bizarre. Maybe they ran out of meat! (another brawl ensued). Anyway, after searching through the entire park I finally found an open bench, plopped down and prepared myself for a disappointing lunch option.

I took my first bite and you know what…it’s not half bad! The bread was nice and crispy. The chicken was actually edible and not too rubbery. The tomato sauce was nice and sweet. The green pepper gave the sandwich an extra crunch. I looked at the sandwich in confusion and took another bite. Same result. Pretty good.

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Even Mikey would like Subway’s version of Chicken Parm

Now I’m not about to say it comes close to any “authentic” chicken parm hero, but if you were in a pinch and needed a chicken parm fix, Subway was actually not a bad alternative. It was probably more to do with the crispiness of the bread from their “toasting”, but all in all it’s probably one of the better things I’ve ever eaten at Subway. I’m sure if Jared were around, he’d wholeheartedly agree!

Knee Deep in “SPAM” April 25, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, nostaglia, opinion.
32 comments

Sorry about the delay in posting this am. I’ve been knee deep in “SPAM”. No, not spam e-mail, but the actual product SPAM. You know, as in the canned meat. We’re in the midst of trying to develop a creative idea for SPAM that reaches the crux of our audience (the readers of Field & Stream and Outdoor Life). SPAM has this new single serving pouch that they’re taking to market and will be supporting the launch with an ad campaign this fall.

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The new SPAM single serving package

I know most of you are disgusted by SPAM, and truth be told I’m not the biggest fan of it either. As a child, all my father ate were SPAM sandwiches – cold ones at that. He used to tell me all the time I was fortunate that we were able to enjoy and afford warm food like White Castle and KFC for dinner. But on occasion he’d whip up some SPAM sandwiches for me to remind me how fortunate I was. I cringed and protested, but ate them begrudgingly. And with lots of ketchup.

I noticed that the Spanish deli across the street from me has tons of SPAM cans on the shelves, so I know it’s still popular in some hoods. But by and large, for those living in the metropolis areas of NYC, LA, Chicago, etc, SPAM is on the lowest end of the food chain. Some people and some restaurants probably would resort to eating dirt before they ate SPAM. Regardless, in the heartland, SPAM still goes strong.

Actually I found out through a colleague (and SPAM expert – he co-authored the SPAM cookbook) that the Asian community, specifically in the northwest, has taken quite a liking to SPAM. Maybe it’s because of its “tofu-like” texture, or the fact that like most Asian cuisine, SPAM contains ridiculous amounts of sodium. In fact, this single serving package I have on my desk has 730 mg (or 30% of your daily allowance) of sodium. Actually out of the 210 calories contained in this 3 oz. serving, a whopping 140 calories of fat. Ouch. However it is a “low-carb snack” (only 2g of carbs) and does contain 14 g of protein and 4% of your necessary iron for the day. So it’s not that bad for you (unless you’re watching your cholestoral of course).

Although I’ll give Hormel (the parent company) their due. They have come up with an easy and convenient way to eat SPAM on the go. Much like the tuna manufacturers have developed easy-tear pouches for tuna, the SPAM single serving is great for those in need of a quick, portable snack. Actually SPAM lists a whole “SPAM Idea O’ Wheel” of ways to eat your SPAM single. The ideas include a SPAM Egg & Cheese on a muffin, a SPAM mac & cheese, a “SPAMburger” and even a SPAM necklace. Although they recommend using the package to make a necklace, not the actual piece of SPAM to make the necklace. Although if you’re ever in the mood to get mauled by a dog or a pack of hungry wolves, then by all means make yourself a SPAM necklace.

Anyway I’m gonna get back to creative thoughts about SPAM. We have an idea centered around the annual SPAMARAMA event in Austin, Texas. Next year is the 30th anniversary of the event so we’re thinking one lucky winner can win a trip down to “SPAM heaven” and delight in eating nothing but SPAM for a few days. Personally, I’d take a White Castle or Popeye’s trip of the same variety…but hey, how often can you get to eat sweet & sour SPAM?

Look out below! April 24, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in breakfast, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, subways, travel.
22 comments

So for those who take the 6 train south of 42nd (Grand Central) you know that the train conductors love to whip the train around the corner leaving 42nd street on the way to 33rd (that’s also when the train shifts from Lexington avenue to Park avenue). Anyway, most “straphangers” are ill-prepared for the train whipping around the corner and almost without fail, every day someone loses their balance and smashes into other people. Most people end up bracing themselves against getting toppled over and after the train straightens, everyone is back to their normal standing positions. However despite years of seeing people get tossed around like rag dolls, I’ve never seen anyone get knocked over – until today.

This unassuming young male, about 5’8” and big build was standing against the subway door nonchalantly. There were several older women, very short (probably no taller than 5’1”) standing in front of him. As the train doors closed, the train sped out of the station and around the aforementioned corner. The young male went flying forward at the force of the turn, smashing against the older women. One woman grabbed a bar to brace herself, the other wasn’t as lucky as she went crashing to her knees. The young man felt terrible and lifted the lady up after the train straightened. It was hard not to laugh, albeit I felt bad for the old lady….but it’s one of those “train wreck” moments (no pun intended) you can help but chuckle at. Anyway no one was injured and there were smiles all around afterwards. Why is that “blogworthy”? Well it’s really not…except that it made me laugh – so thus it’s blogworthy.

Anyway, I’ve finally gotten over my disappointment about the blank Good Humor bar I received on Sunday. Since there was no considerable taste difference between the etched bar and the non-etched bar I guess I can’t really complain about it too much…except that the fun was sucked out of the experience.

Speaking of experiences, I came across this article on CNN.com this am titled “Say Yes to SoNo”. I was like, they can’t be talking about South Norwalk, CT could they? Well after clicking on the article the answer was yes.

While I agree South Norwalk has a hip scene with cool restaurants and trendy places galore, what the article FAILS to mention is that there is not ONE place to eat breakfast there on a weekend morning. Think I’m kidding? When Coogan, Charlie, Dan and I went to the MAAC Tournament championship in Bridgeport, CT in March we went looking for places to eat on Sunday am. Since we hung out in SoNo on Saturday night at the Black Bear Saloon, we figured there must be some diner or other breakfast place open given how alive the scene was on that Sat. night? Nope. There were like two gourmet coffee shops serving coffee and imported chocolates.

Any bagel place? Nope. Donut shop? Nada. Diner? Fuggetaboutit. We drove and walked around for an hour with not a place to eat in site. And this wasn’t at 9am mind you. Nope. This was at noon. Noon. As in lunch time. As in hello you have 20 bars and not one of them is open for lunch on a Sunday? Ridiculous. For an “up and coming” neighborhood to want to be taken seriously as a residential option that is piss poor. Yeah, it’s great for those “out of towners” who want to visit for the restaurants and trendy/gourmet scene. But good luck if you happen to be stuck there overnight and want something to eat besides imported chocolate from Bulgaria.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a side rant there. I’m getting “cabin fever” sitting inside on another gorgeous day. It’s hard to be funny or concentrate on work when it’s 70+ degrees outside and you’re stuck inside cubicle heaven. Then again millions of us out there are stuck in the same world. Trapped. On days like this I’m actually tremendously jealous of Heather Armstrong from Dooce. Why? Because she makes $70,000 a year just by blogging. From home.

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If I was a stay at home paid blogger I’d probably look something like this

Don’t believe me? Check out her site. She makes a ton of money off advertising on her blog. She’s a stay at home mother and supports her and her family through her blog. Must be nice right? And honestly, while I like her tone and her style, I don’t think her blog is one of the “best things I’ve ever read” on a day-to-day basis. But don’t tell that to the thousands of mothers who read her blog and follow her word like it’s the gospel. Am I bitter? Just a little. Wouldn’t you be if you basically know that there are people out there who make a great living just by sitting at home on their ass writing about nothing in particular while you toil away in “work” land?

Bitterly Disappointing April 23, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, baseball, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, nostaglia, opinion, random references.
39 comments

Well the weather wasn’t disappointing this weekend. That’s for damn sure. The Yankees were extremely disappointing this weekend. But that’s to be expected since Joe Torre over-manages each game to the fullest. Plus it’s not like the Red Sox haven’t faced Mariano Rivera 1,000 times in the past 10 years. No surprises there. I don’t care if he’s the best closer ever. When you face a team a gazillion times they are gonna know you like a book. But I’ve said my piece about that to whoever would listen to me over the weekend.

But the most bitterly disappointing moment this weekend came at the hands of one of my beloved childhood memories, the WWF Superstars of Wrestling Ice Cream Bar (or WWE Superstars of Wrestling Ice Cream Bar as it’s now called).

Firstly, you know how passionate I am about Good Humor based on my post just a few weeks back on how Good Humor should sponsor Good Friday. Knowing that Mr. Softee now reigns supreme in the Big Apple, we were extremely shocked that we saw a Good Humor truck on Sunday outside Carl Shultz Park on the UES. And frankly we were a little disappointed since we were hunting for a Mr. Softee truck so Bridget could get a shake. But who can be disappointed when the Good Humor truck is around?! I was especially thrilled since I haven’t seen one in a long time. Bridget, Avi and Lauren probably could’ve cared less, but nonetheless shared in my excitement over getting any ice cream on a warm April day.

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Searching for Mr. Softee, we came across the rare NYC Good Humor truck

The choices of course were endless. The Strawberry Shortcake, the Chipwich, the Chocolate Éclair…all of the favorite Good Humor Ice Cream’s from day’s yore. Lauren opted for one of the frozen flavored pops (lime flavored). Avi went with the classic King Kone. Bridget opted for a Chocolate Éclair and a Chipwich (to share with me of course). But I my friends hit paydirt. Lo and behold, a WWF Ice Cream Sandwich bar!! Holy fucking shit. They still make them. And they’re only $2 to boot! Just a 50 cent markup from 20 years ago! Unreal! How many products can you say where just 50 cents more expensive than 20 years ago???

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The ice cream bar, unlike its predecessors, came in a cardboard box rather than a plastic wrapper

As Hulk Hogan was on the cover of the sample bar on the front of the box, I figured I may get a Hogan imprint on the cookie side of the bar (the bar is a sandwich of chocolate, ice cream and cookie dough for those not in the know). Although a picture of John Cena (the current WWE champ) was pictured on the box so I thought maybe I’d get him. Even though I longed for one of the classics, like an Andre the Giant, I was willing to settle for a John Cena or Rey Mysterio bar.

I ripped open the box like a 5 year old rips opens a Christmas present. I see the chocolate side first and then turn the bar over. And the wrestler is…………………

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Blank? Blank???? The bar is fucking blank!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me??? I felt immediately let down and rejected. That’s probably the most disappointed I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I put my head down in shame and shuffled my feet. I was practically inconsolable. Tears welled in my eyes (ok, maybe not that far, but if I was alone they may have!). I can’t believe it. All that excitement. The buildup. The nostalgia. And the bar is fucking blank.

So a big fuck you to the WWE. No wonder why your product sucks and no one watches you anymore! Bastards. Way to ruin a 29 year olds day. And not to mention the HUGE false advertising on their behalf!! Why put a picture of an imprint of a bar on the outside of your packaging and then have a blank inside? That’s like Oreo basically giving you a picture of an Oreo imprint cookie on the outside of the packaging and then when you take a cookie out you get a smooth, plain, no imprint chocolate shell on the outside. What fun would that be? You think people would enjoy Oreos if the chocolate wasn’t imprinted with the brand name? Definitely not. Cause then you’d be eating a generic chocolate cookie with cream filling. That’s essentially what this was. A generic ice cream bar. I mean are times at the WWE that bad that they can’t afford to imprint their wrestlers on a cookie?? Unreal.

I think I was more disappointed about the stupid ice cream bar then about the Yankees losing. I expected the Yanks to lose. I didn’t expect to get a blank ice cream bar. Major disappointment!

The sun?!?! What is it? April 20, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in baseball, bathroom humor, funny, humor, new york city, random references, sarcasm, sports, television, video.
26 comments

Is that the sun we have shining? Can’t be!

“The Sun! What is it?”

“It’s a big, fiery ball in the center of our solar system, but that’s not important right now!”

(10 bonus points for whoever names the movie reference)

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It feels like the last time I saw the Sun I was in Aruba

Anyway it’s seriously been like what a month without having mostly cloudy skies and rain? I was beginning to think we were living in Lower Uncton! (very random Married with Children reference if you didn’t get it.)

Anyway, not to gross anyone out, but my stomach was killing me for some reason this am. Maybe it was the combination of having a few beers last night along the plate of hummus I ate for dinner combined with an omelette this morning and a large tea. Anyway, to spare you the details the results weren’t pretty in the bathroom this morning. As I’m walking out of the stall to wash my hands, a guy walks into the bathroom unsuspectedly. Now, I don’t know if the stench was all that bad since the shit basically just exploded out of my ass, but the guy walked into the same stall I just used. Sorry dude. My bad.

That’s probably one of the worst feelings. Knowing you’ve basically just walked into a trap. And that unwanted “warm toilet” feeling (I touched on this subject last month if you missed it.) The worst part was someone had basically clogged the other toilet so this was the only option he had (in case he needed to switch stalls).

I know I’ve touched on this subject many times before (much to your dismay I’m sure) but bathroom stalls should have a warning system on them that notifies you how long its been since the last person used the stall. Maybe the door can turn red if the stall was just used (as a red warning light to not go in there). Maybe an orange colored door would mean be warned, the shitter was just used within the last 15 minutes. A green colored door could mean that coast is relatively clear, shitter hasn’t been used within 30 minutes.

Something to think about maybe if you’re a bathroom stall door manufacturer?

Anyway, since it’s Friday, its time to humor you with a funny video. Today’s video comes courtesy of Bill Simmons’ Sports Guy blog. An american baseball player gets hit by a Japanese pitcher and charges the mound. Unlike baseball in the states where the pitcher stands in and tries to defend himself, this pitcher decides to turn tail and run away. Pretty humorous, especially the teammates trying to cut the enraged player off so he won’t get to the pitcher.

Click here to play the video

Enjoy your weekend of fun in the sun (for those who haven’t seen it in a while like anyone living in NYC). Go Yanks – Beat the Sawx!

Rock the Vote April 19, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in American Idol, opinion, top blog candidate.
40 comments

As we come closer to the one-year anniversary of “What Pushes My Buttons”, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have been loyal readers of my blog over the past year. Whether you’re an active participant in the discussion or just a casual observer, I hope that you’ve enjoyed your reading experience here thus far and at the very least have gotten a few laughs out of it along the way.

If your the kinda person who notices “tags” on blogs, you’ll notice that certain postings have been tagged “top blog candidate”. These are the posts I believe to be the funniest (or most distasteful) writings that have appeared on this blog so far. But that’s just in my humble opinion. It’s time for you to decide on that.

We’re looking for you to vote on the post that made you laugh the hardest. Or nearly throw up on your desk. Or simply shake your head in disbelief. In the spirit of American Idol, YOU have the chance to decide.

What does the winning post get? Well, frankly not much, other than the distinction of being voted as posting of the year. What do you get? Well, frankly even less, other than the chance to voice your opinion. And these days, who doesn’t want to voice their opinion!

So without further adieu, here are the candidates for the 1st annual What Pushes My Buttons Post of the Year (drum roll please):

Those are your candidates for “WPMB blog posting of the year”. To vote in this all-important “election” please go to: WhatPushesMyButtons.blogspot.com. On the right column of the page will be the voting box.

Go ahead. Rock the Vote!

Vinny Goombaats April 18, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, basketball, celebrities, critique, funny, hockey, humor, new york city, opinion, sarcasm, sports, stupidity.
29 comments

So I was at the Rangers playoff game with Rich last night (which was an absolute blowout, 7-0 blueshirts). Between periods we always hang out in the lobby landing with a nice view of the 8th avenue/34th street area (especially from the “blue” section which is way at the top for those who haven’t been to the garden before). Anyway we’re standing there talking to a bunch of people about the 1st period and this guy is lingering around the beer cart waiting for his beer to be poured. He was your typical contractor type guy -100% Italian, a stocky build (probably like 5’8”, 240 lb) and very “hey, how you doin’ ish”). He even had on his company’s T-shirt, I forgot the name of the construction company and this guy gets closer to us and says “Hey…yo, you happen to be Nets fans?”

If he was really eavesdropping on us he would’ve heard me say I hate the NBA. Maybe he needs one of those Listen Up devices. Anyway, we all kind of respond we hate the NBA and continue to talk about hockey.

Well what does Vinny Goombaats do but keep talking to me about basketball. Didn’t you just hear what we said?? Anyway, this “blowhard” (as Rich called him) starts telling me that he just remodeled Jason Kidd’s granite countertops in his kitchen. Rich and the other guys wisely turned away from this guy but I was trapped. Figures. “Yeah, it was like 400 square feet of granite…$50,000 worth of granite. His countertops are bigger than this whole area” says Mr. Goombaats. I nod in a half I don’t give a shit, half “good for you spider”. Well does he stop there…nope…he proceeds to tell me how Jason Kidd gave him courtside tickets for the Nets games for the season. “You look for me courtside…I’m the one sitting behind Jay-Z”.

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My life is now complete. I met the guy who does Jason Kidd’s kitchen.

“You know, I’m doing his garage do. All tiles. $25,000 job. I’m doin’ it for free. He gave me 2 courtside tickets all season. I’m doing the job for free.”

Dude…if you’re trying to impress me, I really don’t give a shit about your courtside tickets. Am I jealous? Sure. But honestly I’d be more impressed if I was 15…not 30.
Anyway, he goes on and on about how he hangs out with players and all this bs. I’m sure he was telling the truth, but he was just one of these guys who likes to flaunt his big shot status.

After trying to ignore him doesn’t work, Mr. hot shot proceeds to ask me if I watch the Sopranos. I tell him I don’t get HBO but he proceeds to tell me two of the Sopranos are at the game tonight, he was hanging out with them before the game. Ok…I get the point. You’re “important”. Now just leave me and my Guinness alone.

Our friend Tara and her friend come over to talk. You think this guy would get the hint and walk away. Nope. He continues to pester me with questions. Like there’s not 18,200 other people you can talk to right now.

“Hey, you like the Yankees right?” No shit Sherlock, I’m wearing a Yankees hat. I give him a nod and point to my head knowing where this is going.

“I live up in Larchmont. My wife’s flower shop delivers flowers to Joe Torre’s wife twice a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anytime we need tickets we slip a note with the flowers saying hey Joe, gimme two. Bamn, (he gives me a ‘hand on the counter’ sign for emphasis) next time we deliver, we got 2 tickets, right behind the dugout.” That’s great…glad scumbags like you get the good seats while good people like me have to buy season tickets just to sit in the bleachers.

He taps me on the arm. “Hey. You know what Jeter and Bernie drive? They have a no motorcycle clause in their contract. They drive mopeds. I went out to dinner with them last year. Nice mopeds too.”

What else you gonna tell me next? George Steinbrenner sucks you off every Friday? You were an extra in Goodfellas?

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Surprised that “goomba johnny” didn’t tell me he just did the cast of Goodfellas’ kitchens.

After a brief delay so he could chug his beer he taps me again. “Hey, you like clams?”. I mean seriously, what is it with this guy?

I decide to indulge him. “Yeah, I grew up in Brooklyn, I love clams”. “Man you gotta come up to this place in New Rochelle. You know New Rochelle?” I indulge him with a nod yes. “Man, you gotta go. It’s right off the docks. You know that factory near the docks? Down the street from there. Best baked clams. I go there every week. I know the owners. If you want to go just tell them you’re here to see John.”

I basically tuned out the rest of his verbal barrage about this place in New Rochelle so I didn’t remember the name of it. After about 20 seconds of pretending to listen I check in again. “You know, if you like Jazz and good food, come down to Oakland New Jersey. There’s this place Ruga. R-U-G-A. Great Jazz on Friday night. Are those your girlfriends?” he asks while pointing to Tara and her friend. “No, just friends of ours” I reply. “Oh, ok, well if you want, bring your friends down to Ruga. Ask for Johnny. I’ll take care of you. I’m there every Friday night. Come look for me”.

At this point I seriously had enough. Thank god the period was about to start so this asshole finally left me alone. Rich turns to me and says “Dude, what the fuck was that about?” Unreal…he basically talked my ear off for 15 minutes. I told Rich he was some hot shot who was friends with Jason Kidd and the Sopranos stars and Joe Torre. Then we look at each other and almost at the same time ask, “So if he’s so important, why the fuck is he sitting in the blues?” I mean if this guy is such a hotshot surely he could’ve gotten tickets up front? Or on the bench even? I mean the way he was going I was expecting him to say he was doing James Dolan’s kitchen. Or banging Brendan Shanahan’s wife. (Yeah, you know Brendan. Yeah, I’m banging his wife).

Anyway, I guess you had to be there to see this guy in action. Luckily he didn’t come back to chat between the 2nd and 3rd periods. Maybe he found another friend to talk to.

Anyway I’m surprised I remember the restaurant. Maybe because he mentioned it 20 times in 30 seconds. The website is RugaRestaurant.com. The place looks cool although I don’t think I would ever go there thanks to this idiot. Last thing I need is to go there and have this schmuck on wheels see me and talk to me for 2 hours.

Stuff like this only happens to me though. Seriously. I must have a sign above me that says talk to me. Impress me. Blow smoke up my ass. Unreal.

Ultimate Shower Songs…Part Deux April 17, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in celebrities, critique, dancing, funny, humor, music, opinion, photos, pictures, random references, shower, shower songs, top blog candidate.
62 comments

Ok…because many of you have asked for a new list, and it’s been nearly a year since the last list was “published”, it’s time for The Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux!

To those new to the blog, please view last year’s Ultimate Shower Songs list.

For those who have been faithful followers of this blog since day 1 and have waited almost a year for a new list, without further adieu, here’s part two of the best songs to sing in the shower (in no particular order):

Say, Say, Say. “Say” what you want about it, you know you love this duet between Sir Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. It’s a good “warm up” song in the shower since McCartney’s vocals are pretty mellow and easy to replicate. Once your vocal chords are raring to go it’s time to rip into Michael’s part: “What can I do, I’m so in love with you…baby! Eee heee”. Gotta love Michael in his bas ass years!

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McCartney and Jackson team up to produce a great shower song for you

Other good Michael Jackson songs to sing in the shower are Billie Jean, The Way You Make Me Feel, Man in the Mirror and Pretty Young Thing. Actually most Michael Jackson songs are great shower songs. I’m gonna go ahead and give him a lifetime Shammy achievement award! Congrats Michael, well deserved.

Don’t Know Much. Once you’ve exhausted yourself with Michael, you can mellow it down with some Aaron Neville. For those who have the vocal range you can also sing the Linda Ronstadt parts of the song. But Neville is relatively easy to sing in the shower thanks to his nasal-like tone. Plus it’s a good warm up for singing Neville’s famous cotton commercial. You know the one: “The touch, the feel of cot-tin. It’s the fab-rick of our lives.”

On The Wings of Love. Staying on the mellow theme, and because you just saw one of those Time-Life infomercials at 1 in the morning with the 100 greatest love songs, this smash by Jeffrey Osbourne is sure to eat up some of the hot water in your building. Plus the deep, resonating vocals bounce off the shower walls nicely. Although similar to Caribbean Queen, all you know is the hook of the song so that’s all you sing over and over again. You know, “On the wings of love, only the two of us together flying high. Flying high, on the wings of love”.

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The smooth stylings of Jeffrey Osbourne lend itself to good shower singing material, even if you only know two lines of the song

Another song you only know the hook to is Never Gonna Let You Go by Sergio Mendes. So that’s all you sing over and over again. You know the words. “I’m never gonna let you go. I’m gonna hold you in my arms forever. Gonna try and make up for the times I hurt you so. Gonna hold your body close to mine. From this day on we’re gonna be together. Oh, I swear this time. I’m never gonna let you go”. Awesome stuff. Just awesome. Good song to extend your stay in the shower to.

For those itching for the summer months you can bust out a little Cruel Summer by Bananarama. “It’s a cruel (cruel) cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own”. Good stuff. You know you even hum the instrumental riff of the song. Very feel good shower song to get you ready for tanning season (or to make you feel bad about how white you are going into beach season as you wash your body). Other good “summer” songs are Summer Girls by LFO, Summer Wind by Sinatra and Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince. Although don’t readily admit you know the lyrics to Summer Girls by LFO…could be condusive to having your ass beat in some corners of the earth (more on songs that could get your ass beat later).

Other good songs to get you in the mood for good weather are Break My Stride by Men at Work (also sung by Matthew Wilder). “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride, ain’t nothing gonna slow me down – oh no – got to keep on movin”. (Although please don’t sing the Puff Daddy version. Or anything by Puffy for that matter. As they say in my hood, he’s a “beat biter – a Pac style taker – I’ll tell it to (his) face he ain’t shit but a faker”). Getting Jiggy With It by Will Smith and This is How We Do It by Montell Jordan also are prime songs for getting in a “good mood” for nice weather. Plus if you do the Getting Jiggy With It dance while rinsing, you’ll be able to wash off the soap that is trapped between your rolls of fat. If you have rolls of fat of course.

Perhaps the most underrated Shower Song band is U2. Largely because everyone knows the lyrics to most of their songs and their style is very condusive to shower singing. With or Without You is a particularly great shower song, especially that section where Bono kicks it up a notch. “I can’t liiiiive. With or without you…..oh oh oh oh”. Great stuff. It’s the kinda song you want people down the hallway to hear you sing. Another great U2 shower song is One. “Love is a temple, love the higher love”. Powerful. Good song to pause whatever you’re doing in the shower to belt out the lyrics.

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Congrats, U2! You’ve earned a Shammy for achieving greatness in shower song music

Back to the mellow stuff (and because the Time-Life commercial just popped in your head again). When I See You Smile by John Waite is a great shower song to sing, especially if you just scored a big hookup the night before. Plus this song helps you score bonus points if you’re trying to impress upon your live-in girlfriend or the hooker you let sleep over last night. Nothing puts a “smile” on a girl’s face like hearing “When I see you smile. I can face the world. Oh you know I can do anything”. Although if you’re living with another dude you may not want to bust this one out for fear that the gaydar would go off the charts.

Speaking of off the charts gaydar, other songs not to sing if you have a male roommate around include anything by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Especially Sherri or Big Girls Don’t Cry. So what if you just saw the promo for “Jersey Girls” for the hundredth time, Valli’s songs should only be sung by those without any males within earshot (unless they happen to be musical theater or broadway actors – then you’re ok). If you choose to try the high notes of Sherri baby you best be comfortable with your own masculinity!

Other songs to avoid with a male around are A Whole New World by Peabo Bryson. So what if you watched Aladdin with your niece for the 50th time, singing this song is grounds for getting your ass beat by your roommate if he hears you singing it. Even if the vocals sound cool in the shower, sing this one at your own risk. Same goes for Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About by Bonnie Raitt. Although while you may get mocked and beaten by other males for singing it in the shower, you know damn well that after they’re done insulting your manhood minutes later they start humming the lyrics to themselves. Even if they won’t admit it, they should. The song is catchy.

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Bonnie’s got your back if any male gives you shit for singing her songs

If you need to restore some of your male pride and save face, some good songs to turn to in the shower are Pearl Jam’s Jeremy, Creed’s My Own Prison, Metallica’s Enter Sandman and Nirvana’s Rape Me. Although you may wanna stay away from Rape Me if your male roommate recently completed a stint in prison.

On topic, songs to avoid if you’re trying not to violate parole for child molestation include anything referencing teenage girls, such as I Saw Her Standing There by the Beatles. Singing “She was just 17 you know what I mean” may be tough to justify. Although in your defense you can say you were just at a game at the Garden since that’s a MSG favorite (not so much for the she was just 17 part as much as the: “She wouldn’t dance with another…OOOOOOO” part that everyone belts out in harmony at once).

Another song to be weary of if you’re a convicted child molester is Into The Night by Benny Mardones. Why you ask? Um, how bout the lyrics:

“She’s just sixteen years old, Leave her alone, they say….But I want you to know, If I could fly, I’d pick youuuuuu up. I’d take you into the night, And show you a love…like you’ve neverrrrr seen. Ever seen”.

If that doesn’t scream child molestation/child prostitution I don’t know what does! Although it won’t stop me from singing it in the shower simply because it sounds cool acoustically. The lyrics invoke passion and are souful, despite the messaging.

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Much to his dismay, and his smash hit, Benny Mardones has been placed on most child molester watch lists

That completes this list of the Ultimate Shower Songs, Part Deux. Feel free to comment on your own personal favorites and let the debate begin!