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If the food’s so bad for you, then why are there no fat chinese people… March 22, 2007

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, celebrities, comedy, common sense, critique, eating, food, funny, humor, lunch, opinion, photos, pictures, politics, random references, restaurant, sarcasm, top blog candidate, world news.

First off…what did I say about a Bialy??? It needs to be TOASTED and crispy. Not soft and mushy. For fuck’s sake. My tomato was crispier than my bialy. Thanks a lot for ruining my breakfast assholes.

Ok…onto today’s topic du jour. I’m not saying there’s NO fat chinese people in this world, but isn’t it EXTREMELY rare to find a fat chinese person working in a chinese food restaurant or take out joint? Think about it. It’s not like John Pinette is behind the counter making your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

If Pinette worked at a Chinese food restaurant would he look more like Bruce Lee?

The reason behind this question you ask? Well, just came across this doozy of a story from the associated press:

Chinese Restaurant Food Called Unhealthy
Study Casts Critical Eye at Typical Menu
AP WASHINGTON (March 21) – The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos, a consumer group has found.

A plate of General Tso’s chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day. The battered, fried chicken dish with vegetables has 1,300 calories, 3,200 milligrams of sodium and 11 grams of saturated fat. That’s before the rice (200 calories a cup). And after the egg rolls (200 calories and 400 milligrams of sodium).

“I don’t want to put all the blame on Chinese food,” said Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which did a report released Tuesday. “Across the board, American restaurants need to cut back on calories and salt, and in the meantime, people should think of each meal as not one, but two, and bring home half for tomorrow,” Liebman said.

The average adult needs around 2,000 calories a day and 2,300 milligrams of salt, which is about one teaspoon of salt, according to government guidelines. In some ways, Liebman said, Italian and Mexican restaurants are worse for your health, because their food is higher in saturated fat, which can increase the risk of heart disease.

While Chinese restaurant food is bad for your waistline and blood pressure – sodium contributes to hypertension – it does offer vegetable-rich dishes and the kind of fat that’s not bad for the heart. However – and this is a big however – the veggies aren’t off the hook. A plate of stir-fried greens has 900 calories and 2,200 milligrams of sodium. And eggplant in garlic sauce has 1,000 calories and 2,000 milligrams of sodium.

“We were shocked. We assumed the vegetables were all low in calories,” Liebman said. Also surprising were some appetizers: An order of six steamed pork dumplings has 500 calories, and there’s not much difference, about 10 calories per dumpling, if they’re pan-fried.

The group found that not much has changed since it examined Chinese food 15 years ago. That’s not all bad, Liebman said. “We were glad not to find anything different,” she said. “Some restaurant food has gotten a lot worse. Companies seem to pile on. Instead of just cheesecake, you get coconut chocolate chip cheesecake with a layer of chocolate cake, and lasagna with meatballs.”

The group says there is no safe harbor from sodium on the Chinese restaurant menu, but it offers several tips for making a meal healthier:

Look for dishes that feature vegetables instead of meat or noodles. Ask for extra broccoli, snow peas or other veggies.

Steer clear of deep-fried meat, seafood or tofu. Order it stir-fried or braised.

Hold the sauce, and eat with a fork or chopsticks to leave more sauce behind.

Avoid salt, which means steering clear of the duck sauce, hot mustard, hoisin sauce and soy sauce.

Share your meal or take half home for later.

Ask for brown rice instead of white rice.

Click to view the video of this story

Wait…did you just tell me that my order of Steamed Dumplings is 600 calories and it’s only another 60 calories if I get them fried???? Are you fuckin kidding me? All these years I’ve been going steamed cause I thought it was heathlier? Fuck that…fry those bitches for me from now on. Shit, for an extra 60 calories I’ll walk around my apartment a few more times to burn it off. And you want me to lay off the duck sauce?? Yeah, right. Egg roll meet Duck Sauce. Duck Sauce meet Egg Roll. Plus have these people ever eaten brown rice. It sucks. No flavor. It only has flavor when you add Soy Sauce.

Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce

And that comment about eat with a fork or chopstix to help leave sauce behind? When’s the last time you saw someone take the plate to the mouth and pour the General Tso’s chicken down their throat? Am I missing something? I’ve never eaten Chinese food with a spoon unless it was Wonton soup…and even then its hard to grab the Wontons and pork on your spoon.

You know what I think….this is uncovering a conspiracy by the Chinese to get the Americans fat and lazy with their food so we won’t pay any attention to them until they have taken over the world! Americans will drop dead from all of the fat and sodium in Chinese food, which is by far the most popular type of food in America. Plus in light of the recent regulation of fast food restaurants, you don’t see Chinese take out restaurants having to alter their menus with dehydrogenated oil or whatever that shit was that McDonalds needed to switch too to make their food “healthier”. Am I right? I didn’t see the Wok N Roll come under scrunity like McDs, Wendy’s or KFC did. I think our government is in on this too. Yep, the U.S. government secretly wants us all to drop dead so they too can share worldwide domination with the Chinese. Need proof? Look at Hillary Clinton’s confirmation name. Don’t know it? Her full name is Hillary M. Rodham Clinton. The M? Stands for Ming. As in Ming Dynasty
Hillary with her “secret” Chinese liasons plotting to take over the world

So what else isn’t the government telling us? There has to be more to the story right? The answer is YES (said in a Marv Albert, Ewing just hit a jumper and got fouled giving the Knicks the lead in the 4th quarter of game 7 of the NBA Finals voice).

Being that I’m a sleuth, I’ve decided to be proactive and do some “classified research”. Thanks to a few sources, some threatening now that I’m a licensed hunter and a few boxes of Twinkies as bribes, here’s some of the surprising facts that our friends in the guberment aren’t telling us about calorie consumption (WARNING: THIS INFORMATION IS EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL, BUT I WANTED TO SPREAD THE WORD AND SHARE THESE FACTS WITH YOU SINCE YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ARE. IF NOT, THEN YOU ARE MY READERS AND THUS YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. EVEN IF YOU HATE MY GUTS AND WANT TO STAB ME IN THE EYE WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER, THE FACT THAT YOU STILL VISIT MY BLOG SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US DOESN’T IT? ADMIT IT, YOU NEED ME. SO JUST LET YOUR HATRED GO AND BE MY FRIEND)

Holding a pen in your hands contributes to sodium intake.
Yep…the simple act of holding a pen in your hands allows the ink to penetrate the skin through osmosis. The ink turns into sodium once inside the skin at a rate of 10 mg of sodium for every second the pen is in your hand.

Walking barefoot on crumbs can contribute to calorie intake
Walking in your kitchen barefoot? Better put on those slippers. Each crumb you walk on seeps into your skin contributing to your caloric intake. Each crumb contributes 10 calories to your daily intake. Unless the culprit is coffee cake crumbs…then you’re looking at 20 cals per crumb stepped on.

Soap is nothing but saturated fat
This was a big secret. The liquid soap you use in the shower is made with pure saturated fat that just oozes into your skin. Use a loofah? You’re just doubling the amount of soap you’re pushing through your pores. How bad is it? Lets try 5g of saturated fat for every ounce of soup used. Bar soap is slightly better for you, but still contributes 2.5g of saturated fat for every ounce rubbed into your skin.

Toothpaste is full of sugar
Brush your teeth and they feel cleaner, right? Well you may as well run while you brush. Each squeeze of toothpaste on your brush that you clean your teeth with contributes 30 grams of sugar to your system, which instantly turns to fat – the kind of fat that is never, ever broken down. Surprised? Well, have you ever noticed why the Brits are thin but have bad teeth?
Wanna know how Austin stayed thin? He never brushed his teeth.

Looking at food adds weight
This was the biggest shocker of all. Just the act of looking or thinking about food was more likely to cause the waist line to expand. “Just looking at fattening foods like chocolate cake or a greasy pile of nachos was like injecting a gallon of fat directly into your skin” said one scientist in the classified study. “The fat from these foods apparently is able to enter the skin through the cornea of your eye” said the scientist, claiming that he once put on 5 pounds just by staring at a piece of German Chocolate Cake.

I found out through my sources that the government is secretly working with Ray Ban to develop special “UVF” sunglasses which will block the fat rays emitted by fattening foods from entering the body through the cornea. The government is currently testing these special glasses on Delta Burke and Louie Anderson.
Louie Anderson recently told CNN in an interview he was test piloting special “weight reduction” glasses for the government

There are many other fun facts our government isn’t sharing with us. Make sure you spread the word about these injustices being done to the American peoples.

In the meantime, I need to tend to an order of sweet and sour chicken, pork fried rice and an egg roll that has my name on it!


1. Fred - March 23, 2007

Awesome. Just awesome. Where do you come up with this shit???

2. Chris - March 23, 2007

Fred: not sure…perhaps out of my ass? hah

side note: I met John Pinette after one of his shows he did at Kutsher’s (I worked there). He’s a really funny guy. I’m sure he won’t mind me using him as an example in my blog 🙂

3. Obama4president - March 23, 2007

funny stuff…thanks for spreading the world about the evil Ms. Clinton

4. Gary - March 23, 2007

Ha – Louie Anderson. poor Louie. Would be awesome if the government can get those glasses approved!

5. Roger - March 23, 2007

Two sites going at the same time…impressive! Hopefully with the extra exposure the rest of the world will see why Chris’ blog is one of the best.

6. Chris - March 23, 2007

Roger: Thanks dude. Glad you’re enjoying. I had to setup this site since there are code errors in my blogspot blog that prevent me from being seen by Technorati, Weblogs and the like. Not sure why…probably something to do with the Blogger interface. Nonetheless the content will be the same across both! Hopefully to launch a food only blog in the coming months so stay tuned!

7. Justin - March 23, 2007

LOL…Hillary Ming Clinton. That picture is pretty damning!

8. Candice - March 23, 2007


love him. 🙂

9. Chris - March 23, 2007

Candice: I agree…I have all of his comedy clips saved on my old computer…need to rescue them.

10. anonymous - March 26, 2007

hah…one of the funniest things i’ve read from the blogosphere in a long time. keep up the good work!

11. mr. blogger - March 26, 2007

nice work…well put. good john pinette reference. very underrated in my humble opinion

12. elizabeth - March 26, 2007

agreed. That article is full of shit. People write things more for the shock value than anything else nowadays, but I also didn’t like how it targeted a specific ethnic group. Sure, Wok and Roll is bad for you, but there are also a lot of healthier choices of Chinese Resturaunts. This article was just ill-intentioned and if he/she had any intention of helping americans get off from their lazy asses and make healthier choices, they would list the alternatives for each type of ethnic food. Let’s face it, not even chinese people would eat Chinese take out every day — we all need a variety. So while Chinese food may only constitute for 10% of our normal diets, it’s even sillier to suggest that we lay off duck sauce.

Great banter! I love it!

13. bethany - March 27, 2007

OMG…never knew that about the steamed dumplings. And here i thought I was being healthy. hmmph.

14. whatpushesmybuttons - March 27, 2007

Elizabeth: thanks for the comments. I agree…the media just wants to have the shock value of everything. If you want more disturbing facts, check out this post I did a few weeks back on calorie counts of some of the popular restaurant dishes

Bethany: i too am heartbroken about the steamed dumplings.

Thanks to the rest for your kind words and encouragement!

15. roger - March 28, 2007

i keep reading this over and over again and crack up every time!

16. trent - March 29, 2007

“I get it…I have bad teeth!”

17. janet - March 30, 2007

“The fat from these foods apparently is able to enter the skin through the cornea of your eye” said the scientist, claiming that he once put on 5 pounds just by staring at a piece of German Chocolate Cake.

hahahaha…that is hysterical!

18. whatpushesmybuttons - March 30, 2007

Janet: Its true…I stared at a carrot cake behind a glass enclosure yesterday and put on three pounds. No joke.

19. jake - April 2, 2007

wasn’t john pinette also in the finale of seinfeld…as the guy who got carjacked and Elaine saw but didn’t report?

20. roger - April 3, 2007

yep…that was john pinette!

21. john - April 4, 2007

btw the story said 500 cals not 600 cals for steamed dumplings…either way that’s ridiculous how unhealthy even the steamed stuff is for you. as much as i don’t want nutritional content on the menu’s maybe just a hint of cals and sat fat would be helpful.

22. roger - April 6, 2007

thanks alot for ruining the chinese food i had last night…i couldn’t help but think how bad the chicken and broccoli was calorie wise!

23. shayna - April 11, 2007

love the idea about the glasses!!! hook me up with a pair when you get them!

24. peter - April 18, 2007

You GO NOW!!

25. Slick - April 21, 2007

This article resembles poop smeared on a fairy tail. What a load of crap!

26. elyse - April 27, 2007

Egg Roll Meet Duck Sauce! hah…sounds like it should be a children’s book! LOL

27. hillary fan - May 2, 2007

Clinton in 08!!!!

28. oinker - May 10, 2007

there is a fat chinese person – his name is john pinette! haha

29. nincompoop - May 22, 2007

haha…this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read…good work!

30. marsha - June 13, 2007

Wanna know how Austin stayed thin? He never brushed his teeth.

hahaha…nice…maybe i should follow the same advice then!

31. chelsea - July 2, 2007

Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce

haha….awesome…so true…they look completely naked!!!

great blog!! keep up the good work!

32. Nina - July 5, 2007

Looking at food adds weight??

This one is my favorite. A friend of mine has been taking your blog seriously lol..keep up the good work!

33. Yvo - July 8, 2007

lol, i used to eat my fried rice with a spoon… cuz i’m lazy and for a while it was the best way to get it in my mouth without dropping any. (side note: i’m mostly chinese, so no ‘white people can’t use chopsticks’ jokes…) so i guess that’s what they mean about the sauce comment. tho it is pretty funny…

ps if you pay attention to what the chinese people working at the chinese take out places are eating, here’s a hint: it’s not what they’re serving you. except the white rice, with a big plateful of veggies and a bit of meat. yep. it’s true. they don’t eat what they serve. plus they wake up at ungodly hours to start chopping those damn veggies and prepping to make lo mein and shit.

too funny…

34. chris - July 9, 2007

Thanks for stopping by Yvo! Nice site btw!!!

Oh…I know it’s crazy…i was at the chinese takeout place across the street from me…and i could have sworn they were in the back eating white castle.

ok…maybe i made that part up…but yeah they make themselves the more “healthier options” when they eat. Which I order sometimes…like steamed vegetables and chicken and stuff like that…

Just funny how considering how much sodium is in the food and the condiments…how relatively slim they can stay.

If i was a chef in a chinese takeout, i’d be 6000 pounds. without a doubt.

35. carol - July 20, 2007

this is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read in my life. Egg rolls are a lonely bunch without duck sauce…hahaha…good work!

36. farrah - July 26, 2007

i think i need these glasses…i just stared at a cheesecake and gained a dress size!

37. ted - August 8, 2007

hahaha…just came over from Humor Blog and saw your stuff….good work…this is probably my favorite post of the bunch! nicely done!

38. Grannys.Myth.Peeler - August 25, 2007

The chick in the blue suit looks like a bit of a chubbalini though! I suppose if you are a guy who likes chubby Chinese women then you are gonna struggle to get your kicks. Come to think of it I bet chubby Chinese chicks get followed all over the show for that same reason.

Maybe that’s why you don’t see them very often because when they do leave the house they get stalked by hordes of chubby Chinese lovers.

But hey I love Chinese food, but I understand the health risks attached to it. My uncle was killed by Chinese food. He was leaving the take away with his supper & was just snacking on a prawn cracker as he crossed the road. A car tooted a warning to him. This in turn made him jump & he swallowed the cracker whole blocking his airway. His breathing was so restricted that all that could be heard was a slight whistle. He eventually choked. You could say that he whistled himself to death in fact. I suspect it was really an allergic reaction to fish.

The strangest thing about the whole episode is that no lessons can be learnt about the dangers of Chinese food as no one can remember what he actually ordered.

Anyway regards from a limey with good teeth.


39. Linda Lowerson - September 14, 2007

Ha ha, all highly amusing! (tho being English I don’t always understand some American words/names.) However, I was ‘fat’ years ago, (now size 10, 8stone.112pounds in American?) because, I was a lazy sod and ate too much! All the crap written today about diets, genes, looking for someone/thing to blame etc is futile. In the main, people are fat for the same reason. I can eat anything, but I walk most everywhere, carry my shopping and so on. It’s the 80/20 game. Eat wisely 80% of the time and you can afford to pig out the other 20%. Confucious say, ‘Look for simplicity in the complicated.’ Get off your backsides, eat less, move more. It works! xxx

40. Tom Quinn - June 4, 2008

Did both Louie Anderson and John Pinette do the chinese buffet routine in their acts? I would swear I saw Louie Anderson do it on TV years ago. Looking on uTube, I see John Pinette’s version but I remember Louie doing it with a little different wording and delivery. Can anyone give me a sanity check here!

Also have to add…another reason the chinese restauranteurs don’t have the girth of most of the patrons I see in my local chinese buffet is they aren’t eating four heaping plate-fulls…it’s not rocket science!

Anonymous - December 15, 2011

Oh yeah. Louie Anderson did that bit back in the 80’s. I distinctly remember the line “You been here four hours!” Disappointing that Louie doesn’t have a video of it anywhere!!

S. Nicholas - December 22, 2011

See… I knew I wasn’t crazy! I swear Louie did that bit in ’92 on ‘Louie in St. Louie’ … I mentioned it to him and he told me that that was John Pinette’s joke. But I only saw John Pinette’s “I’m Starvin” like 3 or 4 years ago and I’ve been running around telling people “You go home now! You been heah fouw owah!” since I was like 14….

I have it on VHS somewhere, I’m gonna find it now, dammit…

41. SOG knives - July 18, 2008

SOG knives…

Interesting ideas… I wonder how the Hollywood media would portray this?…

42. m; - May 1, 2010


43. Hope - November 1, 2010

lol wow. You are amazing. I searched this because I was thinking the EXACT same thing about how there are barely any fat Chinese people. Me and my friend were going to go workout but I decided I wanted Chinese instead and was wondering if I’d get fat and lose my flat tummy. And obviously, you are the RIGHTEST(if that were a word) person in the world. So i have absolutely nothing to worry about. You rock.
Love the language in this by the way. 🙂

44. missmerri - January 26, 2011

you must live under a rock because there are definitely fat chinese people in the world.

45. Chinese resturaunts | Austinbeachvolleyballclub - May 29, 2011

[…] If the food’s so bad for you, then why are there no fat chineseSure, Wok and Roll is bad for you, but there are also a lot of healthier choices of Chinese Resturaunts. This article was just ill-intentioned and if he/she had any intention of helping americans get off from their lazy asses and make healthier choices, they would list the alternatives for each type of ethnic food. […]

46. stonky - January 5, 2012

There probably aren’t many fat chinese people around, but a good number of them suffer from high blood pressure and high/bad cholesterol levels. This is reflected in my country where almost 40% of the population are Chinese.
CHinese food are known to contain high amounts of salt and sodium. They may not easily gain subcutaneous fat, but their arteries speak differently.

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