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Ass Explosion August 24, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in bathroom humor, coffee, eating, food, funny, humor, opinion.

So as I sit here in the dark in my office (since I got in before electricity was discovered apparently) I’m sitting here laughing my ass off. Why? Well I just had another funny bathroom experience. Well funny or disgusting depending on who you ask. I think these things happen to me just so I have something funny to write about.

So again the story starts just as I walk in the bathroom. I hear a foot tapping on the ground and see the stall door closed. So I know that that’s my warning someone is in there (see my blog posting in June about bathroom signal behavior). Anyway what I hear next is the sound of exploding ass. I know we’ve all been there before with diarrea and really bad episodes on the potty…but this was probably the LOUDEST ass explosion I have ever heard. I mean I’m sure the blast lifted him off the seat. I didn’t hear anything else after that for at least 10 seconds so I thought either a) he died b) he was too embarrassed to make a sound. Meanwhile I hadn’t even gotten to unzip my fly to take a piss. So I decided to take one for the team and leave him in piece with a quick flush, wash and go. I feel sorry for the poor bastard…actually I feel sorry for his ass. We’ve all been there buddy. We wish you well.

So onto another event that made me mad this morning (btw I really haven’t had much to blog about the past couple of days hence the lack in posting…but today 2 events in one day! Jackpot!!) I was in Starbucks getting my morning blast of caffeine (Iced Skim Latte Mocha latta chino w/ triple shot of Turbo (btw I think the best merge of a franchise would be Starbucks and Jamba Juice. People would be flying off the walls!) Anyway, I get an iced latte and a apple fritter (sugar + apples + icey bun = goodness!!) and the total comes out to $5.01. I give the way too peppy this early in the am cashier a $20 and say sorry I don’t have any change. Well he preceeds to start to give me my $14 in bills and starts to dig out the 99 cents in change.

I was like wait, are you kidding. He said you don’t have anything, a nickel, dime? I thought to myself here’s this company that makes millions in dollars each day and he’s haggling me over a fucking penny?? Most delis run by foreigners that live and die by every penny would even just chalk up the loss. So I see the plastic cube they have at the register that had about 13 cents in there in pennies and nickels. So I used one of those. I don’t care that it’s their tip jar. If they are that stuck up for a fucking penny then they deserve to lose a penny tip. Ridiculous. I was on boycott of Starbucks for a long time and recently was sucked back in thanks to concoctions like the Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte and the Gingerbread Latte…but I may have to reconsider my boycott again. Plus all I really buy starbucks for is its supreme use as a Laxative. Although hopefully for my sake it doesn’t give me the exploding ass like I heard in the stall this morning. I prefer to keep my colon inside of my body thank you.

Anyway I’m flying to St. Paul today to visit our traveling Road Tour at the Minnesota State Fair. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of fun to share…including the latest in Mullet design.

Actually I think the Starbucks is starting to kick in already…forget Jamba Juice…they should merge with Metamusil or ExLax! Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if the “Mocha” is really just ground up exlax. I’ll have to investigate.

I’m off before I shart myself…



1. Anonymous - August 24, 2006

You post some really “shitty” stories…hahaha

2. Anonymous - August 30, 2006

Pants Down that was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read.

Keep up the good work!!

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