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July 31, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in Uncategorized.
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Garbage Pail Kids July 27, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in funny, Garbage Pail Kids, humor, pictures, random references.
4 comments

So in talking to Kristen today (Bridget’s BFF from Verizon for those who haven’t met) we started talking about Garbage Pail Kids. Well lo and behold, doing a little research, I found the mecca of Garbage Pail Kids collections.

http://www.gpkworld.com has the collection of all of the names on record. Just scroll a little down the main page.

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/9622/ has a collection of all of the cards! Awesome.

I definitely had every card in the first three series. Easily. Here’s some samples based on those who visit this blog frequently (in no particular order – if i missed you it was by accident…i promise 🙂

Sorry for the lack of posting July 26, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor.
110 comments

Unfortunately I’ve been busy preparing for a sales meeting next week in New Paltz so I have had anything witty or contraversial to write about. But don’t you worry…I’ll have some stories shortly, especially when I go trout fishing next week.

Anyway came across this story online. Pretty funny what Jennings has to say about Trebek. Love the last paragraph especially.

NEW YORK (July 25) – “Jeopardy!” ace Ken Jennings, who won $2.5 million during his 74-game winning streak, has a few unkind words to say about the show – and dapper host Alex Trebek.

I know, I know, the old folks love him,” Jennings writes in a recent posting, titled “Dear Jeopardy!” on his Web site.

“Nobody knows he died in that fiery truck crash a few years back and was immediately replaced with the Trebektron 4000 (I see your engineers still can’t get the mustache right, by the way).”

Jennings also takes aim at the show’s “effete, left-coast” categories and “same-old” format.

“You’re like the Dorian Gray of syndication,” he says. “You seem to think `change’ means replacing a blue polyethylene backdrop with a slightly different shade of blue polyethylene backdrop every presidential election or so.”

A call by The Associated Press to “Jeopardy!” spokesman Jeff Ritter was not immediately returned Tuesday.

Jennings, a software engineer from Salt Lake City, snagged 74 wins on “Jeopardy!” in 2004 before he was beaten by challenger Nancy Zerg.

Trebek, 66, has hosted the show since 1984. In a “correction” posted Monday on his Web site, Jennings offers an apology of sorts.

“We regret the insinuation that Mr. Alex Trebek is a robot, and has been since 2004. Mr. Trebek’s robotic frame does still contain some organic parts, many harvested from patriotic Canadian schoolchildren, so this technically makes him a `cyborg,’ not a `robot.”

MeatLoaf and FlapJacks July 19, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in food, funny, humor, music, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, prostitutes, restaurant, weird.
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No…it’s not the new breakfast deal at Denny’s (although that would add a little variation to the Grand Slam menu wouldn’t it?? Hmm…). Anyway, some weird things have been happening recently around us. Weird people floating around (Bridget has some doozy stories for you if you see her – including one of a prostitute walking around the street saying…”You Suck…You Suck Dick” and asking the newspaper vendor for 50 cent to buy a water. The other story was about a fight in 7-11 between an Asian and an African American woman and who cut who in line. The fight also involved a cheeseburger for breakfast (and it WASN’T who you thought would be buying the cheeseburger!).

Well last night on the way to the Yankees’ game – we thankfully left early before the rain came – we were walking past the projects on the corner of 101 and 2nd and heard music blasting from one of the apartments. Pretty typical, except this wasn’t rap, or R&B, or Latin…it was MeatLoaf. Yes, MeatLoaf. And it wasn’t Paradise by the Dashboard Lights or something rock oriented. It was “I would do anything for love”. TOTALLY out of place in the projects. I said whoever was listening was hopefully practicing for a dance recital. If not if they started letting white people move into the projects I’m getting the hell out of the neighborhood asap. Don’t want no white folk in my projects. So anyway, no more than 3 minutes later we’re on 102nd between 2nd and 3rd and I had looked down at something on the sidewalk and no sooner did I look up did I see these pair of Flapjacks walking towards us. Nope, wasn’t the IHOP mascot. These huge C to D cup breasts that were being “mildy restrained” by a mesh top. No Bra. Just hanging out in the open. Bridget’s chin practically hit the ground in shock and my head moved back and to the left (Seinfeld/JFK reference). I guess it shouldn’t surprise us to see that, but I guess it was very unexpected at 6 o’clock in the evening.

Anyway so there’s been some weird things and people going around. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the new millenia. Either way at least it’s provided some good stories to tell.

Wedding season is upon us July 14, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, music, top blog candidate, weddings.
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With wedding season in full swing, and with Bridget & I committed to at least 6 weddings to attend this summer, it got me thinking about the whole wedding party thing. We’ve all experienced some drunken wedding doozies in our days complete with our share of memorable (or not so memorable) hookups. As everyone knows most hookups are started on the dance floor, for better or for worse. And we all know the dreaded equation of: dancing + drinking + beer goggles = hookup. Especially back when “we” (we = Marist crew) used to spend our freshman year completing the above equation numerous times at Berties. Especially when “we” hooked up with girls with one eye in this case we = Frank)…sorry Frank if you’re reading 🙂

So I’ve decided to take a shot at which songs are traditionally played at weddings that get us in the mood to abandon our defenses and go for the hookup.

In no particular order:

“Wonderful tonight” by Eric Clapton. No brainer here. Extra browning points if you use this opportunity to dance with the 7 year old niece of the bride.

“Lady in red” by Chris De Burgh. Another no brainer. Especially if the female you’re courting is wearing red. Although be warned of singing the lyrics terribly into her ear. That can lose you points right there.

“Hava Nagila”. Huh you ask? A few reasons. First it gives you a chance to flex those muscles as you lift the bride in the air in her chair. Second it gives you a glance at just about every lady imaginable at the wedding, since you’re flying around in a big circle. Three it gives you opportunity to hold hands with said available female (unless you’re holding hands with the grandmother or a member of the male species – then it’s not so good.)

“Electric Slide”. Really. Don’t knock it. The female to male ratio on the dance floor doing the slide is like 30:1. Seriously. Take a look next time.

“Have I told you lately” by Rod Stewart. Just don’t sing the lyrics if you’ve just met the girl. That comes off just a tad to aggressively.

“The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra. The perfect swooning and wooing song. Can’t go wrong with Sinatra. Bonus points if you add some twirls and dips to the dance. Just don’t drop her.

“Get down on it” by Kool and the Gang. This song is not nearly played enough at weddings. Sometimes it’s thrown into that 60s/70s/80s medly. But it’s a groovy dance track that lets you slip in for a little close-up action. Just don’t pull a muscle in your back trying to go low.

“Amazing” by Lonestar. Just because it’s the song everyone knows is completely overused at weddings but is ashamed to admit they like it. It’s always a good fall back song for that simple slow dance.

“Don’t want to miss a thing” by Aerosmith. Again another good fall back slow dance song. Not as cheezy as Lonestar.

“Laid” by James. Not played nearly enough. The lyrics practically lend itself to a cheap hookup. Great on finding the drunkest girl at the party -she’ll be letting herself go on the dance floor. Swoop in right away before the other guys snatch her up.

“Last Dance” by Donna Summer. Last Dance = Last Chance for hookup. Clutch because it starts slow and ends fast. Bonus points if you can throw some fancy twirls and moves in towards the end.

Here’s some songs you should avoid at all costs if necessary:

“Jump around” by House of Pain. No way to stop yourself from looking like an asshole as you mosh and jump your way around the dance floor. Especially if you knock the lady you’re trying to pursue over. This song is only acceptable at Irish Weddings where everyone’s a drunken mess anyway.

“Bust a Move” by Young MC. I don’t care how good of a dancer you were back in the day. You’re not anymore.

“Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. Same as above. Just let the girls do the dancing on this one. As a guy, this also helps to weed out the goombas from the non goombas. The goombas will take over the dance floor with some fancy footwork. Watch to see the type of girls that are attracted to the goombas. Avoid them. Go for the girls that are laughing at them. They’re the much cooler type.

Any other thoughts/comments?

A tree grows in Brooklyn July 13, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, pictures.
3 comments

And so does some koi. And some plants. And some sod.

So for those who haven’t seen my “yard” in Brooklyn since those rockin Graduation and New Years Eve parties of 1998, probably won’t believe how “dramatic” the changes to my house’s yard have become.

Basically if you haven’t been there before, it’s a roughly 24′ x 30′ parcel of land that used to have two large trees. Not many people in my neighborhood have yards so this was something to be cherised. For a short time we had a swing set which took away from valuable whiffle ball space. But for the last few years it’s basically been an area for the dog to take a shit in.

Well now things have changed and good ole Max has his own “dog run” now. Also shoved into this lot of land is a Gazebo, a Koi pond, a Swing, a bed of vegetables, and other landscaping features.

If you can’t imagine all this fitting into a little 24′ x 30′ piece of property, take a look at this (click on the photos for a larger view):




The International Rules of Manhood July 11, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in funny, humor.
5 comments

Since I’m knee deep in Karp right now (a little fishing joke for those slow on the uptake) I have nothing original or vulgar to say today. Which will probably come to the delight of some of you who cringed reading my entry about “hitting land” in my stand up comedy bit. Which despite what some may think is still funny. Vulgar, yes. But funny.

Anyway, I came across this recently on the web. It’s the international rules of manhood. Here ye, here ye:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

Asshole of the day July 10, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in asshole of the day, critique, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, random references, stupidity, subways, top blog candidate.
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The asshole of the day award goes to Dr. Nicholas Bartha who in an attempt to kill himself ended up blowing up a whole building that he owned on E. 62nd between Park and Madison.

In case you didn’t hear about it, it happened this morning.
Here’s the link to the article

Apparently said Dr. was going through a difficult time with divorce and with selling his building. How difficult can your life be when you own, live and work on a building on E. 62nd? Anyway, so this genius locked himself in the basement and tried to kill himself with gas apparently, since Con Ed was getting gas complaints early that morning. Obviously being a doctor he wasn’t aware that unleashing gas in a basement of any building where all the pipes and other pressurized stuff live would cause a major explosion. And of course the said Dr. survives the blast which injured 18 people and will now be sued up his asshole by those injured from the explosion. Which of course will put him in further financial distress. Can anyone say suicide??

Anyway this lead me to think what are some of the smarter ways the doctor could have took his own life in NYC. Feel free to add any comments with your thoughts:

1) The proverbial jump onto the tracks of an oncoming train. Guaranteed to almost kill or severely dismember you. Most effective when done in Union Square during rush hour so you can tie up train traffic and ruin the commute for millions of others (“sick passengers” my ass).

2) Jump off a bridge. Although some people survive the plunge, the possibility of drowning after you break a few limbs crashing hundreds of feet down into the water is another added incentive.

3) Rip current off Rockaway (or the current near Spuyten Duyvil in the Bronx). Everyone drowns in Rockaway after they get swept away from the raging rip tide. Although it’s seemingly more effective if you’re a hispanic or black child who can’t swim.

4) Take the subway between 2am – 4am. Also it helps if you get on a stop near a mental hospital or find wherever a construction crew is working so some deranged lunatic can grab a chainsaw that just so happens to be sitting on the platform unattended and hack you to pieces (not that this ever happened before in NYC…or within the last few days or anything)

5) Self inflicted suicide with gun/knife. Being a Dr. this asshole should’ve known which nerve to cut, no? Or is killing someone with a wound to a major artery just something that is folklore and happens only in bad B movies and tv shows?

6) Sewing your asshole closed and keep feeding yourself. No? That doesn’t work? It certainly worked in a Wu-Tang song.

7) Strap yourself onto a conveyor belt and head slowly towards a chainsaw or other chopping device. I mean they use this in every movie, including Superman, although since everyone seems to escape at the very last second there are better options.

8 ) Swallow pills/lye/harmful chemicals. I mean being a Dr. he would’ve had access or at least known which medication/chemicals could have killed him quickly without blowing up half of 62nd st. Then again maybe he’s a “Dr.” just like “Dr. Jonathan Zizmore” and his super duper acne medication.

9) Strap raw meat on your body and find a pack of hungry dogs. Or wolves/coyotes if you happen to see any running wild in Central park.

10) Subject yourself to watching nothing but Pauly Shore movies for a week. Shouldn’t need to explain the need to rip out your vital organs and tear out your eyes and ear drums.

Any others you can think of??

This doesn’t surprise me July 7, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, humor, new york city, sports.
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So I read an article today about Knicks players complaining that Larry Brown “held them back” from being the players they wanted to be. While that may be true, he is one of the winningest coaches in NBA history so he must be doing something right? No? Anyway this little nugget was at the end of the story:

“All was not rosy with the Knicks on Wednesday, however. Surprise first-round pick Renaldo Balkman, a defensive-minded forward out of South Carolina, sat out the practice session with a sprained left knee. He suffered the injury in Tuesday’s practice.”

Hmm…sounds a little like another Knick, Rolando Blackman?? Didn’t he always miss time with injured knees. In fact during the draft, after the Knicks picked I was like wait, did they just draft Rolando Blackman?? Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Cause during Bill Simmons’ draft diary:

9:39 — Who’s going to be the first one to make the obligatory “Is it possible that Isiah thought he was taking Rolando Blackman?” joke. Screw it, I’ll do it.

So needless to say the Knicks are a joke. There’s even a MySpace page dedicated to selling the Knicks: http://www.myspace.com/selltheknicks

Anyway sorry to go off on a little sports tangent today…I guess it’s a little better than talking about the man who was hacked to pieces with a chain saw on the subway this morning. In case you didn’t see the article:

Article Link

A maniacal ex-con randomly carved up a 64-year-old man with two power saws in a Manhattan subway station early yesterday – moments after stealing the tools from a construction crew, police and witnesses said.

“He stabbed me in the heart! Help me!” postal worker Michael Steinberg screamed as his 6-foot-tall attacker stood over him, madly revving the black-and-yellow cordless saws.

“I’m dying! He killed me!” Steinberg gasped before the silent, blood-splattered psycho stole $200 and several credit cards from his pockets and fled from the 110th St. station, witnesses told the Daily News.

In the intensive care unit at St. Luke’s Hospital several hours after the ghastly 3:22 a.m. attack, Steinberg said, “I was sure, I was positive, I was a dead man.”

Steinberg said no one in the subway station attempted to help him. “That’s what upsets me more than anything else,” he told The News.

Cops arrested accused madman Tareyton Williams at 5:40 a.m. after he allegedly slugged Oliver Vaquer, 29, who was walking his dog with his pregnant wife on W. 86th St. near West End Ave.

“He was big, all muscles, and he had a crazy blank look in his eyes, but I just thought he was going to ask for money,” said Vaquer, a commercial voice-over artist.

“The next thing I knew he punched me as hard as he could, and I fell on a newspaper box.”

As Vaquer’s wife screamed for help, he said, Williams hit him in the face again and on the arm, then walked away.

“It was the craziest thing,” Vaquer said. “Not a word from him, nothing. He was either on drugs or didn’t take the ones he should have, but we realize now how much worse it could have been.”

The suspect, a 33-year-old convicted drug dealer, was cradling a stuffed toy gorilla shortly after 3 a.m. when he entered the 110th St. station in Morningside Heights, witnesses said.

Construction workers from Five Star Electric Corp. were replacing a sound system when Williams allegedly strolled onto the southbound No. 1 train platform, where he dropped the 2-foot-tall toy.

After urinating into an empty bottle and tossing it into a garbage can, Williams suddenly ran toward the workers, witnesses said.

“He picked up our tools and started chasing us. He just had a dumb look on his face. He seemed deranged,” said one worker. “He didn’t say a word. Nobody knew how to react. Everyone ran in the opposite direction.”

Williams allegedly slammed one of the saws against a random passenger on the platform, but didn’t cut him.

Then Steinberg, who was on his way to work at Manhattan’s 14th St. Post Office, came face-to-face with the madman.

Revving the 8-pound, battery-powered saws, Williams allegedly pounced.

“It looked like an X-Men movie,” said Isaac Prescot, 53, who saw the attack and tried to comfort Steinberg before paramedics and cops arrived.

Cops recovered the saws from a trash bin outside the station, along with Steinberg’s wallet. Williams, who had been released from prison last February after serving three years on a drug conviction, was awaiting arraignment last night on attempted murder, robbery and weapons charges. He muttered, “No, no, no,” as he was led off to Central Booking early this morning.

Steinberg – whose lung was punctured – said he was outraged that Williams was able to steal the saws simply by reaching behind a roped-off area on the subway platform. Steinberg vowed to sue the Transit Authority, but TA spokesman Paul Fleuranges defended the contractors.

“It’s an unfortunate incident,” he said. “We hope the customer recovers, but the contractors appear to have taken proper precautions by putting their tools in an area cordoned off from passengers.”


“Cordoned off from passengers??”. Apparently not too well, do ya think?? And how many workers were there compared to this guy, 3, 4. You’re telling me 3-4 workers couldn’t subdue or stop this guy from taking a saw. Instead they run away like pussies. Like Lex Luther was taking the saw and they couldn’t stop him. Ridiculous. Obviously had the workers been doing their job and not sitting around jerking themselves off like most union workers do, maybe the saws would have been being used instead of sitting there waiting for someone to grab them. What’s next, just happening to leave machetes and hand guns on a platform behind an area roped off by caution tape. Ooh…look there’s caution tape, I should avoid that area. Unreal. I’m curious to see what the next weapon of choice will be for a random attacker. You know there’s some deranged psycho out there saying, “ooh, you know, we haven’t had someone get stabbed with an ice pick in quite some time”. Maybe “Dartman” can make a return. He was fun for a few days back in 1999 when he randomly shot 50 women in the ass with darts.

How did I miss this the first time around? July 6, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor.
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In taking a glance at the Onion.com I noticed they were flashing back to their top stories from back in the day. Each day they will post on their homepage the top stories from a year until they get to 2005. I guess today was the 1999 top story day. Although I’ve read a lot of the Onion in my day somehow I missed this one. Enjoy. This is a classic.

Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor
WASHINGTON, DC—On the heels of last week’s decision to allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the Senate floor.

The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was described by Senate leaders as a “regrettable but unfortunately very necessary” move.

“This trial is not about sex, it’s about perjury,” Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. “Our job is to determine whether or not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won’t have all the facts necessary to determine if the president’s statements before the grand jury constituted a crime.”

In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including but not limited to: deep or “French” kissing, under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various objects.

Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the reenactment as “a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this administration to humiliate the president,” chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial.

“How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky’s vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside there?” Hyde asked. “What were their exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky’s ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president’s erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president’s balls, at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these vital questions of national security.”

“If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens of this nation,” Hyde added, “he will cooperate fully in these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake.”

More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the imperative of the public’s “right to know.”

“If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure—including full frontal nudity, if necessary—before the American people,” Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. “As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth—no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be—we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation.”

In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related “second-” and “third-base” sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts.

Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a prospect.

“How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the president is fucking some girl’s mouth on TV?” asked Lorraine Sanders, associate director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. “For God’s sake, she’s only a child. An innocent child!”

“This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to,” said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators. “Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only.”

Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and in their entirety, calling it “a matter of ethics.”

“This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year history,” Hyde said. “We are talking about the possible removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter that should be trivialized.”