jump to navigation

If you like this blog… May 31, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in funny, travel.
add a comment

So the recent success of my blog has spurred a flurry of activity in the blogging world. Our very own John T. Williams has jumped into the frey with his very entertaining, offbeat blog covering everything from politics to science to general humorous observations. You can access John’s blog at: http://hesgotissues.blogspot.com/
I think you’ll find John’s blog just as amusing, and at times even more amusing, than mine. But just remember, I was here first! 🙂

Anyway, sorry for the lapse in blogging, I was too busy drinking and tanning in the hot Baltimore sun. My step-bro-to-be Ian has a house down there with an awesome rooftop deck over-looking the scenic Baltimore “suburbs”. Actually it’s in the middle of a “Harlem” type ghetto neighborhood, complete with back alleys, stoop dwelling, corner drinking and lots of rats. So it felt just like home! When we had the rap/R&B music blasting, the little black girls from across the alley busted out their hula hoops and started dancing. This one 7 or 8 year old must have had the hoop going round about 100 times without losing it. Seriously. I don’t even think I can fit into a hula hoop unless it was expandable. Another guy was doing tai-chi on his rooftop, complete with his kendo stick (a bamboo stick used in martial arts if you didn’t know). Seeing him flail away in the humid air staying in shape provided good comedy while I was sitting on my white sunburnt ass drinking beer.

We got to go out on Friday night in Baltimore to a few bars and when last call came around at 1:30am you had 300 college and post college kids filing out into the streets at once, their party cut short by about 4 hours. It’s funny you don’t realize why everyone dies to go out in New York City from the suburbs and other surrounding states until you see that NY bars don’t close till 4am. Watching all those masses of kids feverishly trying to hop into cars and cabs to get to the nearest Taco Bell (the only spot open past 2am) you kind of realize how good we have it here. Or how good we had it here when we did that sort of stuff…unlike now when we’re lucky to make it up past midnight.

The other major highlight of my weekend was finally breaking 100 on a golf course! Shot a 97. Not that that’s a major accomplishment but when you start getting older your arm is dead if you swing a golf club over 100 times, so I’ll take it!

That’s all the blogging news for now…I’ll have some more amusing musings next time to keep you entertained. But for now, until next time America.

Funny pics to hold you over May 26, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in humor, pictures.
add a comment

Before I head off to Baltimore for the weekend here’s a funny story. Walking down the street today Bridget & I were having a conversation about what to eat for dinner. Bridget said “I’m kinda in the mood for…” and just as she was about to say what she was in the mood for a loud horn from a truck went off. It was pure comedic genius. The timing was impeccible. Like her words were being censored by the FCC (like that Family Guy episode…and no, the Simpson’s didn’t do it). We laughed all the way to dinner. Which ended up being Wendy’s. So moral of the story…well there is no moral. It was just a funny moment. You just had to be there.

Anyway, to hold you over for the weekend for those who can’t live without the blog being updated on a daily basis, I’ve posted some funny pictures of Bridget and I taken on Tom’s Mac computer camera. For those who’ve seen these already, well see them again. And laugh. The blog will resume on Tuesday. Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Greatest Sandwiches May 25, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, humor, top blog candidate.

So last night having dinner with John and Erica (avid readers of this blog btw – and a link to John’s top-notch photography will be available through this blog soon) we mentioned a good blog topic. But of course 30 minutes later I forgot what it was. So Erika if you could remind me what it was, since I don’t have a brain anymore – Thanks! (Post blog note – Erica reminded me what the topic was…it was about “what there is always room for”. I was saying that there’s always room for tomatoes even though i was full from dinner. There’s also always room for jello. But that’s for another blogging day. Thanks Erica for the reminder).

Anyway, funny cause my blog today was going to be about the Ultimate Sandwiches. And lo and behold this am on Fox 5 Good Day New York this am what do they have featured? Sandwiches. From Lenny’s Deli. And one of them was actually my favorite sandwich of all time. So as we embark on this Memorial Day weekend full of drinking, bbq and drinking, here’s my favorite sandwiches of all time…

1) The Thanksgiving Dinner. The irrestible combination of fresh roasted turkey, cranberry slices and stuffing is a staple of every Thanksgiving day table (if you don’t like any of the three you should be deported to France so Marie Antoinette can decapitate you). Well place all three of these ingredients on a hearty sub roll or wrap and you’ve got yourself the best sandwich ever! Although eating this comes with a sleep inducing warning. One of the best places to get this sandwich as at 696 Deli on 3rd Avenue btw 43rd and 44th.

2) The Cape Cod. Similar to the Thanksgiving dinner, the cape cod utilizes thinly sliced roasted turkey and cranberries (although this sandwich involves using a cranberry compote/spread). Add some thinly sliced granny smith apples, some swiss cheese and a thin layer of mayo and let your taste buds erupt. It’s the perfect summer sandwich since it’s lite in texture and flavor. Best eaten with sand between your toes, or on your favorite park bench surrounded by 10,000 pigeons. No one makes the Cape Cod quite like the Amish Market (4 locations throughout the city).

3) Chicken parm hero. Nothing else to say.

4) Roast Beef au jus. Hot Roast Beef. Flavorful gravy. Soft gravy soaked bun. It’s the only sandwich that ever made me moist. No one. I mean no one, makes this better than Brennan & Carr in Brooklyn.

5) PB&J. Yep, that’s right. It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Peanut Butter Jelly Time. If you don’t know the reference click here to introduce yourself to Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

Please leave off the bananas. Or pickels. Just creamy peanut butter (or chunky) and grape jelly (strawberry jam a good second choice. Even better on white bread…although whole wheat is a close second.

6) White trash special. Baloney. Mayo. White Bread. If you haven’t enjoyed this one in a while go back to your roots. Get some freshly sliced Boars Head Baloney. Some nice fattening mayo. And 2 slices of Wonder Bread. This was my favorite sandwich growing up. Ate baloney like it was going out of style. I was so sodium filled from the baloney I could have doubled for a thanksgiving parade balloon. Actually I still can.

Other notables:

Salami (Genoa) and Swiss w/ Mustard. Even better when stacked with a ton of fattening salami goodness.

Chicken Cutlet w/ American cheese, Mayo, lettuce and tomato.

Roast beef, with Muenster cheese, lettuce, tomato and Mayo.

Hot grilled chicken, roasted red peppers and provolone.

Ham & Cheese. Either cold or grilled. On white trash white bread if you want to keep it real and not get all fancy like Au Bon Pain.

Tuna Melt. Better when the cheese is oozing off the sandwich.

I’m sure there’s others but I have some work to do. So feel free to add a comment and mention your favorites.

Better the second time around May 24, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, humor, movies, opinion, random references, sex.
1 comment so far

So today was markedly better than yesterday. Didn’t have anyone dry humping me on the train (actually was able to snag a seat for a change). Got to the Harrrrverd club at 7am and walked through those crimson halls with my head held high, like the 4.0 Yardsley graduate that I am, and got back to the office by 9. So not bad.

You know what else was better the second time around? Well…no not that…my Fusion Razor. You know, the 25 blade razor that has 10 utility blades from Gillette. You know their commercials that shows the male geting molested by multiple Playboy models while he’s shaving, followed by the utility blades on the razor making his morning coffee, fetching the newspaper and giving him a happy ending. I guess they’re not lying when they says it’s “The best a man can get”. Well the first time I used it, it not only cut off every hair on my face to the root, it pretty much cut off my face like John Travolta in Face/Off. So needless to say I put that razor on the DL for a while and went back to my “regular” 3 blade Mach3. Well I decided to give the ole Fusion a second shot this am and you know what…it didn’t disappoint! (well except for the models not suddenly appearing out of nowhere and the razor not making my morning coffee nor giving me a happy ending like Gillette advertised. Talk about false advertising! Where’s the FCC when you need them!)

Anyway, it’s a beautiful day…so make sure you go out and play with friends, animals, yourself…whatever floats your boat.

A little too early for this May 23, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in common sense, critique, funny, humor, muppets, new york city, opinion, pedestrian behavior, random references, rats, stupidity, subways, top blog candidate.

So on my way to work this morning at the ungodly time of 6:45 am. Yes 6:45 am…I had to set up a conference at the Harvard Club. Yes the Harrrverd Club. So distinguished and polished. I felt richer and more educmacated just walking through the crimson doors onto the crimson carpet through the crimson lined walls with crimson lamp shade adornments (you get the picture). Anyway after two 6 trains wiz by the stop at 103rd going express (cause obviously us poor folk in east harlem don’t need to go to work either) I get on an empty 6 train, meaning there was plenty of room to maneuver without getting arrested for subway grinding.

At 86th street I move to the middle of the car with a good 10 feet of room on either side of me clear. Of course the rats rush onto the train looking for a seat (rats = commuters…not actual rats. Although how funny would that be. Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets hops on the 6 with his little business suit and micro sized NY Times. That would be a sight). After the rats find their seats I still have tons of room on either side of me and there’s open space galore. Which means only one thing. That people will crowd around the nearest person they see.

It’s amazing, no one knows what to do with empty space on the train. The first thing people normally do is find that first pole and cling to it, like a “dancer” at a strip club.

(Side note:  Could there be anything dirtier than a subway pole? I mean I know strippers slide up and down the poles at strip clubs, but how many strippers work at a given club a day? 30, 40? And compare that to how many people touch the subway poles a day. A few thousand? And don’t give me the hand is cleaner than crotch excuse. Not unless you know where everyone’s hands on that train have been. At least with the stripper you know what you’re getting – Dirty whore. Who knows what you’re getting on a subway pole. Dirty whore. Sleazy business execs oozing with grease. The occassional child molester. I rest my case).

I betcha she wouldn’t be licking this pole if it was in a strip club.  But isn’t the subway dirtier?

Anyway so this scumbag stands about 2 inches from me with his bookbag shoved into my kidneys. I mean come on dude, you got like 10 feet of empty real estate next to you and you have to fucking dry hump my leg on the train. This is followed by some goth chic moving to within 3 inches on my other side. I look left beyond the guy practically standing on my shoulders and you can park a 18 wheeler in the middle of the train without touching anyone. But look right and there’s about 30 people huddled together like penguins trying to brave the Antartic cold. I’d expect this kind of behavior during peak rush hour times but at 7am, come on…give me a freakin break. Oh and it doesn’t end there.

On my way walking down 45th between Park & Madison on route to the Harrrverd Club (btw I was so tempted to say to members of the Harvard Club that I went to Yardsley and had a perfect 4.0 – that’s South Park reference from that episode where the kid is hitting on Wendy in competition w/ Stan. You know the episode where Stan throws up on Wendy everytime he talks to her) this guy about 50 feet in front of me is walking full steam, staring straight into his Crackberry. You can see where this is going. I move about 15 feet to the right to give this schmuck on wheels room to drift all over the sidewalk like Billy Joel driving on a backroad in the Hamptons and what does he do…make a fucking B line right towards me. Not looking. Head down. Had I not turned my shoulder in a Matrix type move I would have knocked his front teeth out. And I should have…but at 7 am I was still a little sleepy to be throwing body checks around the streets.

I may start a petition to make walking and using your CrackBerry illegal…similar to the cell phone ban while driving. Although I wish I had morphing abilities so that at the last second I can morph into a telephone pole and have these crackberry assholes slam head first into the pole. Then morph back into a human to laugh at them when they try to pick up the 1,000 pieces of crackberry fragments all over the sidewalk. That’ll teach them to walk with their head up next time.

Anyway so that’s been my lovely day so far…and I just got a leg cramp from being on my feet for 5 straight hours so i’m gonna go limp around for a while.

Until next time America…don’t be kind to each other out there until someone shows kindness first. That sounds a lot better than “be kind to each other out there”.

"Comp" Town May 22, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, eating, food, funny, humor, new york city, opinion, prostitutes, random references, restaurant, sports, top blog candidate.

First I’d like to say a thanks to everyone who braved the crowds at Snitch Bar on Friday night to come out for drinks…I know the ripped couches, “limited” open bar and water dripping from the ceiling wasn’t for everyone, (especially Bridget :), but thank you for making it a fun evening.

So like a high roller in AC or a call girl on the Vegas strip, this ended up being a weekend of comps for me. First was the Friday night drink special at Snitch where I drank for free. Then when we went to Jake’s Saloon on 23rd and 7th (great place btw, one of my favs for atmosphere and food), Bridget befriended Jimmy the owner, who proceeded to give us a free round of shots and some birthday tiramasu. Then on Saturday night having dinner at The Stadium in Garrison, New York (a mecca of sports memorabilia for those who haven’t been) we had made a loose reservation for 8pm for 4 (with Paul and AnnMarie). Well the hostess was completely overwhelmed and couldn’t accomodate us with a table so we willingly sat at the bar. I guess the owner felt bad that they couldn’t honor our “reservation”, even though we had no qualms about sitting at the bar, and gave us free appetizers and drinks. Big score right there. Then on Sunday night Bridget & I cleaned up at Super Stop & Shop in Yonkers, savings $60 on groceries. So not a bad weekend at all as far as Comps are concerned.

Anyway, on to some of the funnier observations from the weekend. Sitting at the aforementioned Stadium in a glass enclosure at the bar was a pair of old school Patrick Ewing sneakers. I’m pretty sure I had a pair when I was younger. You know the kind of sneaker that was 2 for $20 at Payless. It wasn’t Reebok, Nike, Brooks, Adidas, Nucleus, Puma or whatever kids wore back in the 80s/90s. It was a white sneaker with orange and blue piping and a 33 in orange on the back of the sneaker. It was a super high top, the tongue coming half way up your calf, and had a big Ewing/New York Knicks logo on the tongue. It also came with a detachable mop to wipe up the sweat that drips from your brow like Patrick Ewing at the foul line (for those who don’t know that reference, do a google search on Patrick Ewing and sweating at the foul line, you’ll find plenty of articles about that). Anyway, so i’m sure i had that exact pair…which is funny because had I just had them autographed by Ewing, they would be worthy enough to display in a glass enclosed case at a sports bar while someone dripped buffalo wing sauce from their mouth all over the glass display.

Second observation, why are there so many Hasidic Jews at Woodbury Commons? Did I miss something here? Did they make a Goyum Gap? Goys R’ Us? Last I checked there wasn’t a store that only sold long black ankle length skirts or only black top hats. I know some of them may be “reformed” but really, they don’t sell designer talis at Gucci (those long shawls jews wear with the tassels on the end for those who are not up to speed on the Jewish lingo flying around right now). There’s no hair salon that speciailizes in Hasidic curl extensions, is there? Unless these Hasidim are planning to add some color into their wardrobes I find their presence at the outlet stores just weirdly bizarre. Although they could be there to buy cheap sheets in bulk since you know they have to have sex through them and all.

Observation three, all the Asian men trying out handbags at Gucci, Dooney & Bourke, Tod’s, etc. Bridget actually made that observation. I know there’s “man bags” but do men really walk around clutching little “wristlets” during business lunches? When’s the last time you saw a man with a knock off, Chinatown Gucci bag draped under one arm with a briefcase in another. I mean I know I get a lot of slack for making “gay” comments on this blog with my knowledge of American Idol and other references, but not once I have carried anything remotely similiar to a pocketbook around with me. If it’s true that Asian influence is taking over here and abroad, anyone not living in a Metrosexual city like NY is in a heap of trouble. Can you see a southener going on a hot date with his cousin in a 57 Chevy shoving his hand gun and pouch of tobacco into a palm sized Fendi bag? Yeah, didn’t think so. So if someone can shed some light on this new phenomenon for me that would be greatly appreciated.

That’s all the news for now. Until next time America…

Who needs the Farmer’s Almanac May 19, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, humor.

I don’t…i can tell you on May 19th, every year, it’ll rain. It always rains on my birthday. Except for maybe once when I was 7. Why do you remember that you ask? I’ll tell you why. I got stung by a bee while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my yard. Bastard bee…my hands swelled up and stung like hell. Only sucking the peanut butter off my swollen fingers made me feel better. I was more pissed off that the bee made me drop my sandwich on the ground then actually getting stung. Of course I tried to pick up the sandwich and eat it, but my grandmother smacked it out of my hands. Then again the sandwich was on the ground for 5 minutes or so, so I would have been crunching away on some ants. A little “critters on my crackers, bugs on my baloney” (only those who listened to Opie & Anthony make fun of Mary Kate & Ashley on KRock would get that…so that would mean only John and Sean would get that reference. But that’s ok. It’s still funny.)

Do the Humpty Hump. Do the Humpty Hump May 18, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in animals, funny, humor, sex.

So walking to work this am we saw a common site for Bridget & I…pigeons trying to get it on. This got me thinking…are pigeons and humans that much different in that respect?

The male pigeon puffs up his chest like an intoxicated meathead on the jersey shore. He struts around jerking his neck back and forth and stalks the female pigeon causing her to run away. This continues for a few minutes, with the ultimate goal of the male pigeon being to mount the female pigeon from behind. So you tell me how’s that’s different from most males? Besides the fact humans don’t have carte blanche to go shit all over everything in sight. But as far as mating is concerned there’s a close connection. Something to ponder as the summer season rolls around, and the mating season begins!

Until next time…Stay Classy Carmen San Diego.

"I didn’t have to use my AK, today was a good day"… May 17, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in eating, food, humor, music, restaurant, sports.
1 comment so far

Before I get into my good day, man, what a Yankees game tonight against the Rangers. For all the Posada bashing I do, having him get his bell rung by Texiera on that collision at home plate I think woke him up. You can see him sitting there at home plate, birds flying around his head, which way did he go, which way did he go. I think that might have woke him up and made him a better player. Case in point, his walk off homerun to win the game 14-13. For those who didn’t see it, you missed a good one, with the Yankees coming back from being down 9-0. Although boo to Torre for putting Rivera in in the 9th, especially with Fahhhnsworth throwing nasty stuff in the 8th. Never understood that. Guy has nasty stuff, throws 9 pitches in an inning and you take him out the next inning. Typically Torre overmanaging the game.

Ok, so enough about sports, how bout this for a day. I had four beers today, and only paid for two of them. No I didn’t become a girl with a huge rack overnight. At lunch the waitress never charged me for my beer. Ok no biggie. But then Bridget and I walked home from work and decided to get something to eat. We stopped at Mad River Bar & Grill on the UES which I hadn’t been to in a while. It was empty on Tuesday night, just like most bars are (side note, Tuesday night is probably the BEST night to go out. I love Tuesday’s. Most bars are empty and have ridiculous drink specials.)

Tonight was no exception as Mad River had a 2 for 1 special. Two burgers for the price of 1. Two beers for the price of one. Jackpot. So I proceeded to have three beers and a burger as did Bridget. So that’s 6 beers and two burgers (good burgers by the way) and good onion rings and waffle fries. For a total of….$25!! Not bad. And who said you can’t get great deals in the city 🙂

As Dre said…”today was a good day”.

Until next time America….stay classy San Diego…and be kind to each other out there.

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night… May 15, 2006

Posted by whatpushesmybuttons in critique, humor, music, travel.

“So I can, so I can.” Well as some of you know I have these prescription sunglasses I had to get after my bout with sun poisioning. Or to be more specific, UV Carititis, or burning of the Cornea due to UV rays, blah, blah blah. Anyway they were also made for night driving to reduce road glare with some specialized polarization nonsense. So basically I drive at night with sunglass.

Anyway, to the point of the story, me, my mother and her fiancee’ are driving up to Oswego NY on Saturday night to move my sister back to Brooklyn from that shithole of a “city”. It’s about 12:30 am and on Route 481 way up in this North Bumblefuck town called Fulton suddenly there’s about 10 cop cars on each side of the road doing sobriety tests. My mom is panicking because we’re in a large rental truck and she’s sitting on a plastic patio chairs shoved between the two seats. So she’s sure she’s getting busted for no seatbelt.

Well I stop the van with an officer shining a maglite flashlight into the van. I roll down the window and the first thing the Keystone Cop says?

“You’re wearing sunglasses?”.

Yes deputy Dewey, I’m wearing sunglasses. Call me Cory Hart.

“Prescription?” he asks. I say yes, now knowing that he too is a wearer of the sunglasses at night, but probably the kind that Eric Estrada wore in C.H.I.P.S. So now he has lost all right to bust my balls about wearing sunglasses on a dark rainy night. All that was missing was the secret Night Sunglass Wearing Club handshake.

Ponch then proceeds to ask where we’re going and who we’re going to see. I say my sister. He says where does she live. Then he asks what her name is. Do they honestly have anything better to do? I mean really, a house or car gets robbed in Oswego every 10 seconds and this “trooper” is playing 20 questions with me. Anyway I say my sister’s name (Chantele) and asks if he knows her sarcastically. The funny part about this is if I said her last name too he probably would’ve known he her since her house was robbed and her car robbed (twice). So maybe that’s how they identify people, oh…right, you’re the April 14th robbery.

There’s no real point to that story, there’s a funnier part that goes with it, but it loses the humor being retold.

The other highlights of the weekend besides being stuck in a moving van for 20 hours and driving hundreds of miles…the blinking lights from the sewage treatment plans across the street from my sister’s apartment that kept me up all night. Actually they had a cool nuclear reactor down the road a few miles that was straight out of the Simpsons. Oh and her cat Dusty. The only cat I ever saw play fetch and actually bring the item back to you lay it by your feet and wait for you to throw it again. She puts all lazy fat cats to shame.

I was trying to think of other funny stories…and I have a whole diatribe ready to launch about women’s pocketbooks and how they are a black hole for stuff. But right now I lack the energy to launch such an attack on why women should NOT be allowed to carry more than 10 items in a bag that is no longer than an inch and rifle through the bag for hours looking for something like a bobby pin. Plus I’ve tried fighting this battle before. And it’s a losing cause 🙂

Until next time America….be kind to each other out there.